Newbie, stuggling with the shame
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, UK
Posts: 48
Newbie, stuggling with the shame
Hi all
This is my first post on here. Been lurking for a while and learning a lot from reading everyone's thoughts...
Still struggling to find sustained sobriety - I'll stop drinking for a few days at a time but it never holds for long. In 2012/13 I managed to stop for over a year but never had the courage to match that since
The thing that gets me every time I try to stop is the shame about what I've done. I do nearly all of my drinking alone in my study once the kids are in bed so it's all fairly hidden, but for me the shame is all about the money I've wasted, money I could have been saving for my family. Every time I have a few days sober that nagging voice inside me tells me how much money I have wasted and my mind works it out obsessively - how much a week, how much a month, how many thousands a year and then I find that I despise myself so much I want to drink to bury the feeling of being such a pathetic and selfish ****
Yes I know that if I stop now I will save all that money in the future but I can't forgive myself for getting it so wrong in the first place, for being such a shite human being - I feel so trapped by this guilt and shame that I don't know how to escape - it's like I wish someone could come along and wipe my memory clean, like a hard drive, and let me start again
I know there are many of you who go through the same thing - I don't know if there are any answers. Just trying to open up - not very easy for me as you may have guessed from the 'I drink alone in my study comment'
Take care all of you
This is my first post on here. Been lurking for a while and learning a lot from reading everyone's thoughts...
Still struggling to find sustained sobriety - I'll stop drinking for a few days at a time but it never holds for long. In 2012/13 I managed to stop for over a year but never had the courage to match that since
The thing that gets me every time I try to stop is the shame about what I've done. I do nearly all of my drinking alone in my study once the kids are in bed so it's all fairly hidden, but for me the shame is all about the money I've wasted, money I could have been saving for my family. Every time I have a few days sober that nagging voice inside me tells me how much money I have wasted and my mind works it out obsessively - how much a week, how much a month, how many thousands a year and then I find that I despise myself so much I want to drink to bury the feeling of being such a pathetic and selfish ****
Yes I know that if I stop now I will save all that money in the future but I can't forgive myself for getting it so wrong in the first place, for being such a shite human being - I feel so trapped by this guilt and shame that I don't know how to escape - it's like I wish someone could come along and wipe my memory clean, like a hard drive, and let me start again
I know there are many of you who go through the same thing - I don't know if there are any answers. Just trying to open up - not very easy for me as you may have guessed from the 'I drink alone in my study comment'
Take care all of you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,850
Welcome to SR, JUK.
Hope that you can put the shame behind you; it is good to learn from our mistakes and experiences but we need to find a place that is solidly in our past for shame and guilt as those emotions only impede our progress in moving forward.
Glad you found SR.
Hope that you can put the shame behind you; it is good to learn from our mistakes and experiences but we need to find a place that is solidly in our past for shame and guilt as those emotions only impede our progress in moving forward.
Glad you found SR.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere else
Posts: 395
Hi Juk,
I can very much relate to how you're feeling it took me forever to stop drinking because every time I sobered up the shame would take over and I just have to get drunk again, I it's a vicious cycle. Just keep posting here and once you get past the initial shame it will get easier.
I can very much relate to how you're feeling it took me forever to stop drinking because every time I sobered up the shame would take over and I just have to get drunk again, I it's a vicious cycle. Just keep posting here and once you get past the initial shame it will get easier.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wales
Posts: 497
Hey, I think shame is something we all feel but the way I've managed it myself (and I know it's nt easy)...I think how I'll feel in a years time. I could either still be feeling ashamed about yesterday and the day before and the day before....or I could have a sense of 'yep I pretty much made some ****** up mistakes before but look at how I've turned things around'. It's gonna take me a long time to pay off debts due to drinking but I could either start slowly paying them off or be in twice as much debt.
Mindfulness techniques help too. Focussing on 'now'...every time your mind starts wandering to the guilt and shame notice it and validate it but don't become caught up in it and bring yourself back to now! Sounds hard but actually the more you do it, it really helps.
You can either spend your time beating yourself up which helps noone or making changes :-)
You've done it once so you KNOW you can do it and we know you can do it. Xx
Mindfulness techniques help too. Focussing on 'now'...every time your mind starts wandering to the guilt and shame notice it and validate it but don't become caught up in it and bring yourself back to now! Sounds hard but actually the more you do it, it really helps.
You can either spend your time beating yourself up which helps noone or making changes :-)
You've done it once so you KNOW you can do it and we know you can do it. Xx
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 315
Nice to meet you
You said:
" I do nearly all of my drinking alone in my study once the kids are in bed so it's all fairly hidden"
But is not hidden to YOU - thus the shame. - I can relate.
You can do this! Your 1 yr is remarkable!
You mentioned "courage to quit"...you have that- your posting here......
again Welcome...you are not alone.
You said:
" I do nearly all of my drinking alone in my study once the kids are in bed so it's all fairly hidden"
But is not hidden to YOU - thus the shame. - I can relate.
You can do this! Your 1 yr is remarkable!
You mentioned "courage to quit"...you have that- your posting here......
again Welcome...you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: NW Missouri
Posts: 81
Welcome! You're absolutely not alone in experiencing shame regarding the addiction. I love what JadedGirl wrote in particular- I can't add anything except, this is a great place for support while you work on becoming sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Shame....Shame was a condition I lived in...brought on by acting completely out of my self-will, self will run riot, fueled to hideous behavior in drunken states of mind I cannot face....I could not face my shame so I covered it up and doused it with liquor...and descended into a state of incomprehensible demoralization...It was the natural state my Flesh Nature degraded to....
Now, I am FREE...I used to be that person controlled by my selfishness, a natural product of the flawed nature we all seem to have, and which excelling in it by fueling it with drugs and alcohol leads to that state of...SHAME.
That is what I WAS...I cannot change that but I can accept that it was me, completely in the grips of my self-will. Now I don't have to be that.. I can be free...and the only thing that comes from dwelling on the SHAME that WAS me, is if I dwell on it. I can now accept it, and even more I can accept that I am now FREE...by the Grace of God..he did for me what I could not do for myself...and the miracle happened by working the 12 Steps of AA.
I am FREE...and I know you can be...God Bless You....RDBplus3
Now, I am FREE...I used to be that person controlled by my selfishness, a natural product of the flawed nature we all seem to have, and which excelling in it by fueling it with drugs and alcohol leads to that state of...SHAME.
That is what I WAS...I cannot change that but I can accept that it was me, completely in the grips of my self-will. Now I don't have to be that.. I can be free...and the only thing that comes from dwelling on the SHAME that WAS me, is if I dwell on it. I can now accept it, and even more I can accept that I am now FREE...by the Grace of God..he did for me what I could not do for myself...and the miracle happened by working the 12 Steps of AA.
I am FREE...and I know you can be...God Bless You....RDBplus3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I understand. I easily wasted 250k on booze and cigs.
But this time I see things differently. When I die, I am not bringing anything with me. As long as I leave enough money for my son to start his own life.
So what I did is ok. It brought an amazing life experience. I am more enlightened that I have ever been.
But this time I see things differently. When I die, I am not bringing anything with me. As long as I leave enough money for my son to start his own life.
So what I did is ok. It brought an amazing life experience. I am more enlightened that I have ever been.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,344
I need to accept that the past was closed to me - I couldn't change a second of it.
Wishing it were not so is wasted energy.
We can do a lot with the day before us tho. I tried to make my life a kind of livign amends - doing good and being of service - I'm still doing that
Forgiving yourself is pretty fundamental to moving on.
Focus on being all you can be now, and the past will soon matter less
D
Wishing it were not so is wasted energy.
We can do a lot with the day before us tho. I tried to make my life a kind of livign amends - doing good and being of service - I'm still doing that
Forgiving yourself is pretty fundamental to moving on.
Focus on being all you can be now, and the past will soon matter less
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Originally Posted by JUK 
Every time I have a few days sober that nagging voice inside me tells me how much money I have wasted and my mind works it out obsessively - how much a week, how much a month, how many thousands a year and then I find that I despise myself so much I want to drink to bury the feeling of being such a pathetic and selfish ****
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wales
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by Anna
I had a really difficult time with the shame and guilt. I also hid my drinking as much as possible. My shame was less about the money and more about letting my family down. It was so bad that I felt threatened to start drinking again. What finally helped me was journaling. I had tried everything but had resisted writing my feelings. When I finally started writing, I immediately felt the negative feelings lifting. I wrote and wrote for months, most of the first year actually, and it was very therapeutic.
I also started writing And find it really therapeutic especially reading back on progress xx
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: east coast
Posts: 451
Been there done that....stayed drinking ;obsessing over the should of, would of and could of. I been sober since nov 17, 2014; the longest I've been without a drink since I was pregnant for 9 months in 1999. Staying in the here and now , having patience and reading so many stories about how things eventually changed for others that focused on sobriety keeps me going. You can't see what's ahead of you when your looking in the rear view mirror. I know a little over 2 months may not seem like much, but from where I stand its a whole lot and I'm grateful. Trust me there have been good days and bad days but my bad days without a drink has not been no where as bad as drinking days. Matter of fact I'm struggling now... I feel irritated for no reason , at least I think there's no reason. Did I have any thoughts that a drink would make me feel better? Of course, but when I think of all the drama that comes along with that drink, its not worth it. This is the only time I rely on my mishaps from past drinking keep me from drinking. I refuse to let myself or anybody else keep me in guilt. I hope you can find a way to move pass the past if you don't more than likely you will keep drinking and keep scoring guilt points.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,902
I don't know if this will work for you, but AA helped me learn to deal with the shame of my past. I learned a lot from the program and the people in it.
One of the steps in AA is to make amends to those we have harmed. I had a tough time doing this with my wife. It's not that I'm not remorseful over my drinking, but I can't tell her I'm sorry, because it won't mean anything to her. I mean, I've probably already apologized about 1000 times in the past after a drinking episode. How do I do that again now? Tell her that the first 1000 apologies weren't sincere, but now "trust me, I really mean it this time?"
Instead, what I've learned to do is make a "living" amend. I don't really need to say too much, but she can tell from my actions that I've changed deeply and that I've become a different, more mature, less self centered, caring person. It takes time, but for me it has worked. My 25+ year marriage is probably the best it's ever been now.
One of the steps in AA is to make amends to those we have harmed. I had a tough time doing this with my wife. It's not that I'm not remorseful over my drinking, but I can't tell her I'm sorry, because it won't mean anything to her. I mean, I've probably already apologized about 1000 times in the past after a drinking episode. How do I do that again now? Tell her that the first 1000 apologies weren't sincere, but now "trust me, I really mean it this time?"
Instead, what I've learned to do is make a "living" amend. I don't really need to say too much, but she can tell from my actions that I've changed deeply and that I've become a different, more mature, less self centered, caring person. It takes time, but for me it has worked. My 25+ year marriage is probably the best it's ever been now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,320
Shame was/is a huge one for me too (waves hand). Private binge drinker too.
Dee is right: we cannot change the past, the door is closed. I know we know that, but I think really owning that helps to work through the feelings so that you can get to the other side.
Sending you positive and supportive thoughts...
Dee is right: we cannot change the past, the door is closed. I know we know that, but I think really owning that helps to work through the feelings so that you can get to the other side.
Sending you positive and supportive thoughts...
Cause no harm
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
Welcome Juk, your shame is no stranger to most of us who have shared the same. But a day of sobriety pulls the cloak of shame from your shoulders. It's your choice if you put it back on the next day or not. Hopefully not.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Glad your here Juke......the shame & guilt I experienced was huge......I got a DUI 2 years ago & the financial toll of that was over $7000. & as a single parent & home owner, needless to say, that money could have been well spent elsewhere, but I couldn't undo that & forgiving myself & moving forward is all I could do. Things are OK....I"m OK, the important thing for me & those that love me, is that I don't drink. Be kind to yourself friend...move forward & don't beat yourself up.
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
JUK,
Stop being so hard on yourself, buddy. That shame will surely undermine your sobriety. Out of the universe of possible alcoholic sins, reducing the amount you have saved for the future by buying alcohol would seem to be pretty low on the list for me. Be grateful you haven't done something much worse like killing someone while driving drunk.
Stop being so hard on yourself, buddy. That shame will surely undermine your sobriety. Out of the universe of possible alcoholic sins, reducing the amount you have saved for the future by buying alcohol would seem to be pretty low on the list for me. Be grateful you haven't done something much worse like killing someone while driving drunk.
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