Thatdeliveryguy

Fear is the right word. Fear and paranoia and delusions are part of my life. Something I don't talk about often is I don't really leave my house. Its hard to leave the house. I am afraid of everything, worried about every thing, I am agoraphobic.

I am afraid the voices will return, I am schizophrenic, I spend every waking hour worried they will return and haunt me. Oftentimes they said nasty mean horrible things.

I was a delivery guy, I enjoyed delivering furniture more than anything, before that I was a disability advocate and helped the disabled. What I haven't said much about is before that I spent two full years in my house. In two years I probably left the house 20 times.

Yes, I was exceptionally paranoid. I thought the world was going to get me. I thought I would have a heart attack, I thought people would kill me! Medication and a good counselor got me out of the house. Even then I had fears but I started working for the disabled. That was contract work, I could do much of it from the house, and my wonderful boss knew what was going on and always let me leave if things got bad.

I progressed so much that I sought other work, then I found my delivery job. The one thing in life I loved the most I liked delivering furniture, but on that job much of the medication wasn't allowed. My condition worsened during this period and finally I ended up hearing things that didn't exist.

During the end of the job working for the disabled and the start of the delivery job and going sans medication I started drinking. I would drink the paranoia away, I would treat my own anxiety, at first it was fun but finally it just became a habit. A habit I couldn't control.

Part of the reason I disappeared for so long on the forums, even though the library is 5 minutes away and has internet access, is I had trouble leaving my house. I couldn't leave, leaving meant anxiety and anxiety always leads to panic attacks and drinking for me.

I live in a world of fear and anxieties and paranoia, I drink because I wish it would go away. I want to be free and live life and be 'normal' if there is such a thing.

Now I have court orders, and problems left and right. Not sure I can pay the rent, know I can't pay the power, and it goes on and on.....

Even coming to write this at the library is a task, a scary task, I sweaty and close to hyperventilating. I came for support, I want and need to stop drinking, I can for some days but fear and paranoia always come. The medications I am on work somewhat but not fully.

I am beginning to think I destined to an asylum for life. I don't know that I can quit this habit, I want my daughter back. I want to work again, I most certainly don't want to drink, but to asylum and crazy place I suppose I go...... I don't believe I can comply with the court orders, and I don't think I can stop drinking. I just want the anxiety and paranoia, voices and fear to go away..... but I don't think they will.

Good day, just a little bit more insight

Gilmer

(((Jeremy)))

JT0626

Oh, Jeremy, hugs to you. Your post is very insightful & it shows just how self aware you are. Are you back on your meds? I am proud of you for reaching out to us, I'm sure that was scary within itself.

You have the capability of making good choices. You want your daughter back, let her be your motivation. My daughter is all the motivation I need. Do the right thing for you, do it for your daughter too.

Hugs, Monica

SoberLeigh

Hugs from me, too, Jeremy.

Soberwolf

You can do this jeremy im sorry your suffering brother

You can print these off if it helps 3 Anxiety Breathing Techniques You Can Practice*Anywhere - Self help for anxiety - @AnxietySlayer

A breathing exercise that calms panic attacks.

Deep Breathing Exercises for Panic Disorder

You mentioned something about mental health court hopefully they can help

Your not destined for an asylum you can do this have you spoke with a Dr about your meds not working fully do Dr's do home visits in your area im really sorry your suffering J

J the most important thing is your trying and you have the support 24/7

you can pm anytime to chat/vent sending thoughts & prayers bud

Gonnachange

You are not destined for an asylum. If nothing else talk to your doctor. I wish you well during this difficult time.

Dee74

I don;t think you're destined for an asylum Jeremy. Millions of people deal with schizophrenia every day and manage it successfully - some of them have addictive and self medication issues too and deal healthily with those as well.

there's no reason why you can't be one of those people too.

D

PurpleKnight

Hang in there Jeremy!!