the 1st step is the hardest...Right?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Manchester NH
Posts: 5
the 1st step is the hardest...Right?
Today I finally admitted that not only did my alcoholic boyfriend have a problem, but I also have a problem…Co-Dependency. I found this forum and all of a sudden I felt relief, there was a place for me with people who understand and want to help. I have had my counselor mention co-dependency to me quite a bit however I didn’t want to believe it. After yesterday I do!
I have been so preoccupied by my boyfriends drinking that I have given up on my own life. I spend all of my time trying to figure out ways to get him to not drink and put us in situations that keep us so busy that I end up controlling his life. I have even gotten to the point that I convince him to come to bed at the same time as me even if he doesn’t have to be up early. If he stays up later than me he will get drunk. I have come to aknowledge and accept that all of this is unacceptable behavior. I need to focus on me so I can be a positive force in our relationship and not a negative one. I need to be a better person and focus on my health and my needs instead of obsessing over his life.
I do not intend on leaving my boyfriend but instead working on myself so I can be happy and hopefully he will follow suit. He has never hurt me or hit me and he loves me so much. His family has shared with me on many occasion they have never seen him this happy or committed to anyone in his life. All of this makes me happy now I just need to focus on ME so I can be happy with myself and work on Fixing me!
I am truly scared of this journey, its hard to look inside and focus on yourself and it has always been easier for me to fixate on others then myself. I do not know where this journey will take me but I am taking the first step in the right direction for myself and no one else!
I have been so preoccupied by my boyfriends drinking that I have given up on my own life. I spend all of my time trying to figure out ways to get him to not drink and put us in situations that keep us so busy that I end up controlling his life. I have even gotten to the point that I convince him to come to bed at the same time as me even if he doesn’t have to be up early. If he stays up later than me he will get drunk. I have come to aknowledge and accept that all of this is unacceptable behavior. I need to focus on me so I can be a positive force in our relationship and not a negative one. I need to be a better person and focus on my health and my needs instead of obsessing over his life.
I do not intend on leaving my boyfriend but instead working on myself so I can be happy and hopefully he will follow suit. He has never hurt me or hit me and he loves me so much. His family has shared with me on many occasion they have never seen him this happy or committed to anyone in his life. All of this makes me happy now I just need to focus on ME so I can be happy with myself and work on Fixing me!
I am truly scared of this journey, its hard to look inside and focus on yourself and it has always been easier for me to fixate on others then myself. I do not know where this journey will take me but I am taking the first step in the right direction for myself and no one else!
Resolutely Staying Sober ODAAT
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wyoming, USA
Posts: 103
Your situation sounds similar to what my wife found herself in. And looking at that from the "alcoholic's" viewpoint, that is not going to help him. He needs to make that decision on his own, for his own well being, and to keep your relationship strong. No amount of prodding and meddling will force him to make that move, only find new and different ways to ensure that he is able to drink (at least in my experience). Keep your head up, he knows that it bothers you, hopefully that gives him a reason to look inside of his heart to make some changes in his life.
Good luck, and you will find all kinds of support here.
Good luck, and you will find all kinds of support here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Manchester NH
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Nuke 
Your situation sounds similar to what my wife found herself in. And looking at that from the "alcoholic's" viewpoint, that is not going to help him. He needs to make that decision on his own, for his own well being, and to keep your relationship strong. No amount of prodding and meddling will force him to make that move, only find new and different ways to ensure that he is able to drink (at least in my experience). Keep your head up, he knows that it bothers you, hopefully that gives him a reason to look inside of his heart to make some changes in his life.
Good luck, and you will find all kinds of support here.
Good luck, and you will find all kinds of support here.
Did you and your wife ever have a conversation where she just said its enough? He and I are planning on talking tonight after what happened yesterday and try to figure out where we are going and what we both want. I am just very nervous for this conversation because I don’t know how he will react or which direction its going to take. Long term I know we both want the same thing but I just don’t know how we will get there.
Did your wife ever go to Al-Alon? It has been suggested to me but I am not sure how I would handle going. I do have a friend who has offered to come with me but I almost feel like if he is no actively seeking help that I am almost betraying him by going. I am not sure how to explain it any better but I think he would be upset if I went because he is not at a point where he is ready to admit he has a problem.
Its very hard to be the spouse of an addict and its just gotten to a breaking point
I am so happy to be here and have people who are in or have been in similar situations. A place I can feel safe and be 100% honest.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I strongly suggest Al Anon face to face meetingS. You may not like what you hear for awhile but your going for YOU.
Also suggested is reading the forum Friends and Families on this site.
BE WELL
I strongly suggest Al Anon face to face meetingS. You may not like what you hear for awhile but your going for YOU.
Also suggested is reading the forum Friends and Families on this site.
BE WELL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Manchester NH
Posts: 5
I know I would be going for me but I just have so much social anxiety around groups of people and such. I dont know I am fearful of it. I am going to counseling today and I am going to talk to my counselor about it and I am going to try to get up the courage to go. My friend is willing to go with me for support. She is the only person who knows what I am going through right now and has been such an amazing resource and support for me!
Resolutely Staying Sober ODAAT
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wyoming, USA
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by Munke
Nuke thank you for your insight! I have gotten to a point where I am done pushing and prodding it hasn’t worked so now I am working on me. He did try to give up cold turkey this past week and yesterday had a slip and went back and then this morning he told me it was to hard and he doesn’t think he can quit so militantly. At this point I honestly do believe it has to come from him. I can only focus on me and how I handle myself and let him handle himself.
Did you and your wife ever have a conversation where she just said its enough? He and I are planning on talking tonight after what happened yesterday and try to figure out where we are going and what we both want. I am just very nervous for this conversation because I don’t know how he will react or which direction its going to take. Long term I know we both want the same thing but I just don’t know how we will get there.
Did your wife ever go to Al-Alon? It has been suggested to me but I am not sure how I would handle going. I do have a friend who has offered to come with me but I almost feel like if he is no actively seeking help that I am almost betraying him by going. I am not sure how to explain it any better but I think he would be upset if I went because he is not at a point where he is ready to admit he has a problem.
Its very hard to be the spouse of an addict and its just gotten to a breaking point
I am so happy to be here and have people who are in or have been in similar situations. A place I can feel safe and be 100% honest.
Did you and your wife ever have a conversation where she just said its enough? He and I are planning on talking tonight after what happened yesterday and try to figure out where we are going and what we both want. I am just very nervous for this conversation because I don’t know how he will react or which direction its going to take. Long term I know we both want the same thing but I just don’t know how we will get there.
Did your wife ever go to Al-Alon? It has been suggested to me but I am not sure how I would handle going. I do have a friend who has offered to come with me but I almost feel like if he is no actively seeking help that I am almost betraying him by going. I am not sure how to explain it any better but I think he would be upset if I went because he is not at a point where he is ready to admit he has a problem.
Its very hard to be the spouse of an addict and its just gotten to a breaking point
I am so happy to be here and have people who are in or have been in similar situations. A place I can feel safe and be 100% honest.
We have a very open relationship where we do talk about anything and everything, so the conversations while difficult were never unusual to us. She has never sought out AlAnon, but has read some books that I have purchased, and her and I have open and truthful discussions about our (her
) feelings. Becoming sober is hard, if you don't know the difficulties of stopping something that you are addicted to, it is difficult to be able to relate to somebody who is. I quit chewing Copenhagen 392 days ago, and I still want to go out and buy a can every now and then. It never goes away, you just learn to control it, and hope that it gets easier as time goes on...alcohol is no different, and I am going through those first difficult stages/days right now. My wife is VERY supportive and has been helping me stay sober.
I think that Alanon would be a good choice for you if you like that public setting, I am finding that this site has helped me a ton!
Best of luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Manchester NH
Posts: 5
Nuke,
Thank you so much for your insight and kind words. I talked to my counselor tonight and she suggested a CODA meeting for me its a womens group for codependents. I am going to go to it next thursday (I would go tonight but I already have an appointment) Its a group that uses the 12 steps to overcome codependency and the 12 steps are along the lines of AA. depending on how I feel after going to that group I may try Al-Alon. Group settings make me nervous. I did also buy the boko Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and the workbook that goes along with it and I started reading it and going through some of the activities last night. My BF and I spoke last night and had a very open conversation about all of this and I explained to him that I am trying to get better and I am going to work on my codependency but that he is also ill and needs to get help. He did admit for the first time he has a drinking problem and that he wanted to get clean eventually but was not sure if now was the right time for him. I do not honestly expect him to get sober overnight and I know he needs to be in the right frame of mind to do so but for us to have a future and children then he needs to get clean. He also chose not to drink last night without issue. I did not ask him to or anything. He was going to think about everything we talked about and hopefully he makes the decision to get sober but until then all I can do is focus on me and my health.
Thank you so much for your insight and kind words. I talked to my counselor tonight and she suggested a CODA meeting for me its a womens group for codependents. I am going to go to it next thursday (I would go tonight but I already have an appointment) Its a group that uses the 12 steps to overcome codependency and the 12 steps are along the lines of AA. depending on how I feel after going to that group I may try Al-Alon. Group settings make me nervous. I did also buy the boko Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and the workbook that goes along with it and I started reading it and going through some of the activities last night. My BF and I spoke last night and had a very open conversation about all of this and I explained to him that I am trying to get better and I am going to work on my codependency but that he is also ill and needs to get help. He did admit for the first time he has a drinking problem and that he wanted to get clean eventually but was not sure if now was the right time for him. I do not honestly expect him to get sober overnight and I know he needs to be in the right frame of mind to do so but for us to have a future and children then he needs to get clean. He also chose not to drink last night without issue. I did not ask him to or anything. He was going to think about everything we talked about and hopefully he makes the decision to get sober but until then all I can do is focus on me and my health.
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