Kafkaesque

Hi everyone,

I could use some perspective and advice/help. This weekend is my best friend's birthday, so we are spending the day together to celebrate. She was always my drinking buddy and is still a heavy drinker. We are celebrating this weekend that way next weekend when she goes bar hopping with her other friends, it won't feel like either of us missed out on celebrating.

I thought that I had planned everything perfectly so I wouldn't be tempted, but I feel more tempted than ever. We have gone out together plenty of times without drinking, but for some reason all I can think about is wanting to drink with her like we used to. That thought scares me even more, since I wasn't ready to deal with my drinking problem until I went a month without seeing her and drinking alone every day made it that much more obvious that I wasn't just being young and having fun, I was indulging in my addiction and found a friend who didn't judge me.

When I relapsed in December after my failed LSAT attempt, I knew I could stop and I haven't had a drink since. But it's that voice saying "well you quit successfully once, you could do it again" that is getting to me. What is one more relapse and then I'll quit again? I remember the first few weeks after that night - I was a mess. I couldn't get into a good place. Now it has been 52 days sober, I feel like I'm in a great place finally and suddenly I want to self-destruct just for one day I won't even remember?

I can't understand why I keep going through this cycle of getting sober, struggling to stay sober, becoming genuinely happy, and then relapsing. Am I still missing something in my recovery process or is this cycle something that every alcoholic/addict goes through? Do I have to remove myself from anything and anyone that reminds me of the "good" drinking days? Or will I ever be able to end this cycle? I just want to stay happy and sober but I feel more vulnerable and scared than ever.

Sorry for the long post! :/

Mentium

If I can offer you some advice from the perspective of someone who is now over 60 and has been a 'serial relapser' for something like 30 years - if you allow yourself to think in terms of it being OK to drink because you have quit before, then you may well end up like me. It hasn't been all bad and my drinking hasn't actually destroyed my life, but it has made it very miserable at times. The mental anguish when I have been into a long period of daily drinking is not something I would wish on anyone. . You don't have to do that. You might think about making a decision that alcohol simply has no more room in your life. It is up to you of course and good luck whichever way you go.

Anna

For me, yes, and I had to accept that the 'good drinking days' were very few. It's the nature of the disease to hook us, hence the good drinking days, and then we can't get away.

Your AV is pushing hard right now because it knows you're on your way in recovery and because it knows you are vulnerable about this particular birthday weekend. Don't allow it to control you. Change your plans if you feel vulnerable. Don't risk losing your sobriety.

SoberLeigh

^^^^ Exactly what Anna said.

Nothing is worth risking your sobriety, K.

Soberwolf

I 5000% agree with Anna

For me its acceptance crush the AV with sober positivity

Awesome job on 52 days do you have a sober plan ? (things youl do & work on to remain sober)

ScottFromWI

It is a cycle that some addicts go through, but not all. What is your recovery process/method? Is there a pattern leading up to your drinking periods? It could be that you aren't doing enough ( for example not attending meetings enough if you are in AA or not working the steps ), or it could be that you are not doing the right thing at all.

Relapses/Slips/Oops, or whatever you want to call them are NOT inevitable, and there is no magic number of them that one has to go through before they finally get sober. It's really up to you do decide which one will be the last.

Fly N Buy

Glad your here, keep coming back!

From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

Kafka

PurpleKnight

When I got Sober I needed to make some tough decisions, and because up unitl then I hadn't, I continued to do the same things when I was drinking, so I went to bars, hung out with the same people, went to birthdays and didn't tell anyone I wasn't drinking, and guess what happened? I would go a few days and then drink, go another few days and then drink.

So how about letting your friend know you don't drink anymore? and if that isn't possible then rearrange the birthday plans?

It all comes down to how much are we prepared to do to protect YOUR Sobriety, because it is a life changing decision, but it needs to be backed up with action to make it work!!

Carlotta

Does she know about you not drinking anymore?
My BFF is not an alcoholic bust she enjoys a few here and there. She was one of the very few people with whom I drank (meaning that I associated drinking with her with happy).
I told her I quit and I had also told her that people drinking did not bother me (which is true).
I was a few months sober when I went to visit her for a week and when she had asked me, I had told her her having a beer would not be a trigger (the truth btw). Well, not only she had absolutely no alcohol in the house but she also had found out about AA meetings schedule in the area.
We had a sober blast that week. Now that's a real friend for you

JanieJ

I agree with Anna. This is not worth risking your sobriety over.

strategery

I thought I'd share my experience and hope it helps.
One of the things for me is once I got going again, it was extremely hard for me to stop. I got into that nasty habit of saying, " I will quit tomorrow", the next day would come, I would drink, and the I'd say the same thing the next day. Rinse and repeat. When I started thinking about what I was doing and looking at my sober days as a proportion (since I was struggling when I was first here), I realized I could not moderate and I couldn't go back since it's so easy to get into that vicious cycle again.
The other thing that I noticed when relapsing, is the cravings were super intense for a good two weeks. I do not want to go through that again. For me, it's been a realization if I pick up that first drink, I might never come back. I've seen that a bit too close up and it scared me.

IOAA2

Hi.
In my observations at many AA meetings too many who relapse do not or do not easily regain any sobriety. I know everyone is different but for me why chance it? For those that relapse with over 10 sober time only 3% regain sobriety.

This disease is powerful, baffling, insidious and cunning, why do battle?

BE WELL

anattaboy

I had to make it first (not drinking)........that's all. Anything that may threaten that is not necessary.

jazzfish

The thing I was missing is that I kept expecting something from outside of me to bring me sobriety. I kept expecting some switch to flip from drunk to sober. It was really kind of a fizzle when I finally realized that my sobriety was going to rely 100% on my own motivation and commitment. It was also a very freeing feeling to accept that.

Mentium also referred to the never-ending cycle. In my opinion, worse than jails, institutions and death are 30 more years of miserable alcoholism.

matilda123

Kafkaesque, congratulations on your sobriety. You are doing a great job!

I think of that voice (which I hear too, but which is starting to get hoarse a bit) as the voice of nostalgia. It is the voice that tries to get us to focus on all the "good times" with alcohol and conveniently forget the bad. We're smart, so we know it is false, but for me at least, there was for a long time (years really) when I retained a fantasy that I could manage my drinking.

Then, I realized I couldn't. No event really, just clarity--kind of just fizzled out, like jazzfish noted.. Once I really embraced that, then the real work (which I'm in the throes of now) begins. How to reward and pacify without alcohol? How to celebrate without alcohol? How to be in social situations sober? I don't know for sure, but am hopeful that embracing that realization that drinking is forever off the table is the beginning of me breaking that cycle that had dogged me for so many years.

Creekryder

Ah, the good ole days of drinking. The great times when your eyes looked like you were going to bleed to death. The great conversations where you could get through two words before slurring the other ten. The spilled drinks, stumbling, DWIs, pissed-off spouses, embarrassed sons and daughters, hangovers, lying in your own vomit. Golly, gee, don't you wish you could go back and have that again?

All it takes is a couple of drinks...for old time sake, of course.

Vandermast

Hey there

This stuff aint easy

For me that one more relapse and Ive had a few might be the one that does me in

V

Kafkaesque

Thank you everyone for all of your responses! I think I was looking for someone to tell me it's okay to drink... that it's part of the recovery process, and inevitable. I wanted someone to take the control away from me. At least, I think that's what the AV was looking for but I posted on SR because I wanted to be set straight and I knew that if I posted on here, I would get the response that I needed: not to jeopardize my sobriety.

My friend knows that I'm an alcoholic. She still talks about drinking a lot, but she hasn't ever put me in a situation where I would be tempted. I called her yesterday and told her that I wanted to drink this weekend and I was worried I would be tempted. She reassured me that she would take no part in drinking with me even if I told her I wanted to because she would feel like an enabler and reminded me that we have more fun now that I am sober.

When I first read all of your posts, some of them made me a little upset because I kept thinking "why does everyone tell me it's my choice? I can't control my AV!" but after letting your words sit in my head, I realized that this is my choice. My AV wanted to hear that it was in control, but as soon as I came to terms with the fact that staying sober is my choice, I decided not to listen to my AV and instantly felt this flood of relief rush over me. So thank you all for reminding me that I made the decision to get sober and that I'm the one who makes the decision to stay sober every day.

To those of you who asked me if I have a plan, I guess I don't. Not really, anyway. I have hobbies that I've picked up to keep my mind off of it, but I'm realizing that taking my mind off of it doesn't help change my thought process. I think I need to start attending meetings and begin dealing with my problem, rather than trying to ignore it and stay sober by will power alone. Those of you who have a sober plan, how did you develop this plan? Was it just something you came up with?

Thank you all again! As always, you were the reason I was able to stay strong before my AV took over.

Dee74

This is a trap I fell into in 2004. I finally stopping drinking and smoking weed, I keep all my mates, I was around the stuff but not part of it.

I kept that up for 8 weeks.

I decided to 'take a night off' and drink and smoke., fully expecting and intending I would go back to sobreoity the next morning.

It was over two years - of some of the most destructive drinking and drugging I ever did - before I stopped again, after nearly dying.

do not presume you know the parameters of your addiction because, frankly, you don't. No one does.
Addiction changes.

I truly believe alcoholism and addiction are progressive conditions.
I have experienced it

D