JadedGirl

This isn't getting easier it's just getting harder. It's 16 days now and feel worse than ever. Friend in work said having a bottle of wine tonight and asked me if I was and said I don't drink any more to which she replied 'well done, good on you'. Don't even know why it just made me feel really pissed off like saying 'no NOT well done', I'm not doing it because I want to I have no choice!!
I know deep down I am doing it for me but at the moment it's just so hard. I don't feel better. I'm craving like **** and my head keeps saying go on, haven't drunk for 2 weeks I deserve it. I know I'll feel so much better tonight if I do. I don't feel better at all. My mood is ****. Man looking across at me in the car earlier as I'm crying like a pathetic child who can't have her sweets. Physically I don't feel better. Bloating from drinking has gone but I feel like a fat pig after all the eating **** I'm doing to compensate. I'm not classed as overweight but I feel huge and disgusting.
Feel angry at everyone and everything and don't even know why. Maybe it's because they can drink and I can't.
My daughter is with her dad tonight and my head keeps saying I could drink tonight and no one would know but I know I'd hate myself if I did but then is it better to feel angry at myself or feel angry at everyone and everything when I can't.
I hate ranting but I have to get it out and don't know how. I was going to go over my friends but can't face anyone. Don't want to be around anyone tonight, had to do that all day in work and put on a happy face when I just want to shout at everyone. I'm not normally a nasty person but feel it at the moment. Don't know what's wrong with me.

Nowsthetime

Hello: I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch. My AV also tells me (when I'm going to be alone) "nobody will know". That's not true. YOU will know and YOU are the only one that matters in this journey. Play the tape, use all the tools you have learned here. Keep your eyes on the price and remember what YOU really want. Also remember that SR has your back!

Jupiters

you always have a choice.
You know IF you CHOOSE to drink, you will end up regretting it, but you still have a choice. The choice has always been there and always will.

SoberLeigh

Nothing is 'wrong' with you, sweet JadedGirl. You are in recovery; it is hard work; our bodies are working hard 'behind the scenes' to heal the internal damage; I think that that physical process affects our minds, too (slowing it down to some extent and affecting our emotional state).

I had no good choice but to stop drinking, either; the alternative wasn't pretty.

Hang in there; it WILL get better and easier. I promise.

AcceptingChange

You're right, it does get harder even after a few weeks. I remember thinking that once i got sober, i'd feel perfect, healthy, happy and full of vitality. Then when time went by. I kept waiting for my new natural high to kick in, the natural high i was effing up by drinking. But i never got that. I got rid of the post-drinking sickness, i got rid of the morning anxiety. But i didn't get a natural high, which was pretty disappointing.

Psychologically, we drinkers used to control our moods by knowing "later in the day or week, i'll drink and feel good". And that was a form of OCD for me, i had to control my mood. Not having that anymore has been tough.
One takeaway is, drinking a bottle of wine will just leave you sick and anxious in 48 hours. Dealing with todays cravings is less painful than that crap. And you'll have to go through this crap in the future anyway, so let's just get it done. I do have faith that this will pass. Cuz we're the ones who are gonna be the old pathetic addicts, that's our path, unless we make the changes now.

Gonnachange

Sorry that you're feeling the way that you are, but coming here was a good decision. Stay home if you want; have a cup of tea, listen to music, read, take a bath, etc.

JadedGirl

I'm not going to drink, I can't give in, I hate feeling sorry for myself I feel pathetic and I hate feeling so angry for no reason. In my pyjamas already and just smoking lots and drinking lots of coffee.

Soberpotamus

Try not to let it overwhelm you. What you've described sounds normal for early sobriety. Try and realize that it won't always feel so bad though. We've all been there. I took the opportunities in early sobriety to start searching out some things to distract myself with, and some ways to self-soothe. You are going to feel bombarded by emotions early on, but it will even out over time. Hang in.

Nowsthetime

Lots of coffee will not help your jitters, bad mood, etc. Work through it, keep posting and vent... We are all ears

Foolsgold186

I could have wrote that when I first got sober. I despised everyone. I was so mad at the world for me not being able to drink. I wanted no pats on the back... No you can do it crap, nothing! I just so desperately wanted to be normal and able to drink it ate me up inside....so I did.....and I hated myself after it. Had to start all over again and go through the same turmoil. In fact it was worse!

You'll feel a lot of anger but come on here and vent. It'll pass and soon your emotions will level out.

I know it doesn't feel like it but thing do get better.

Hang tight!

Lx

ReadyAtLast

It's very normal to feel as you feel. you will feel better but everything seems so raw in the early weeks as we don't have the crutch of alcohol to numb everything. It really will get better though. Do anything you need to do to stay sober. I'd also try and look at it so it's not like you're missing something, more looking to have a better life without alcohol. It took us years to get into this mess, it takes longer than a few weeks to feel better but it will get better and the bad days will get fewer.you're doing really well

Anna

I think it might help if you began to think of new things to do that didn't involve alcohol. Do you know people who don't drink that you could go out for coffee with? I know for me, I had to make some big changes in my life so that I did feel good about what I was doing.

Mark1014

I know we're all different, but my third and fourth weeks were the toughest. It was rough. Did lots of crying and I am a middle aged dude. After that valley, the light started flickering a little. There are still some scattered rough days but not like it was. Keep pushing through and get this part done. I'm pulling for you and wish you the very best....just do not give up.

Soberwolf

JG this is why they say very early recovery is a rollercoaster

It really helps to start working on your sobriety ie mtns (Aa or Smart), group therapy, addiction counselling, volenteering, a new college course, CBT

There is lots to help you along the way and i really agree with Anna's post

most important remember it wont always be like this bud

Congrats on 16 days

Ruby2

JadedGirl, rant away. Once the initial relief of not drinking was over I went through phases like you are now. I hated everyone and everything. I wanted to punch walls and scream. It was all massively unfair that 'they' could drink and I couldn't.

It is all part of the process. Those days were rough and I wanted nothing more than to drink at the pain but I didn't. It was really uncomfortable. I hated it. But you seem to be right on schedule. Rant away. Tough it out. It's great you came here. Talking about it helps a lot. Deflates the monster and helps process the 'why' of it so we can learn and grow.

Thepatman

Let it out JadedGirl, let it all out of your system!

Like any grief, anger is part of the early recovery.

Acceptance will come...

and you will go from to to finally ...

Just keep trucking! rooting for ya

mns1

JadedGirl, things get harder before they get easier. You need to be strong and stay focused.

I agree with Anna. What can you do to start being active and socializing in an environment that promotes sobriety?

If you are concerned about gaining weight, maybe you could look into some group fitness classes.

Hang in there!

tomsteve

Ahhhh the flashbacks to early recovery I can get when reading here!
I didn't have a single problem with the Mental obsession early on. The hate for myself and seeing what a wreck I had done to my existence and the trail of wreckage I left in my wake was pretty fresh.
But then the fog lifted. Not only was the craving, compulsion, and obsession there, but so was the anger- and sometimes it was rage. And no apparent reason. I built up a pretty serious callus on my lip from biting it so I wouldn't say what was on my mind!! Seriously..I had a callus on my lip biting it.
And I would want to drink. But I knew where that would take me.
And that's where AA really came into play for me. I went to many meetings, read the BB( which sometimes would bugger me up reading "resentment is our number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything"), did my best to do what the bb said, and had a lot of faith in the words of those that went before me that everything would get better as long as I kept at it and didn't drink.
Sometimes it was down to one minute at a time.
I don't remember the exact day or date, but a day finally did come when I didn't even think about alcohol for the whole day. I didn't realize it until the next day, but it was a miracle.
Getting sober wasn't easy. Not acting on the thought of drinking was sometimes very difficult.. I had to fight pretty dam hard some days. What a trip it would be driving by a bar I used to drink in and my car would want to turn in!!!
But I trudged.
Every second of fight has been worth it as staying sober has been easy. I no longer am fighting it. The drink problem doesn't exist for me anymore. I am safe and protected as long as I keep following a few simple suggestions.

Keep fighting. It will get easier.
T.I.M.E.

AddictGuy

Hey Jaded,

I haven't been on this site long but I have seen you popping up to encourage other people. So you like being in a position to offer encouragement; to say, one way, or another "Good going. Keep up the fight." And you are smart. Yeah, no one would have known, but you told all of us and you seem to be just too honest and too determined to then turn around and deceive us about it. Winner qualities.

You clearly want to be a winner. That puts you out in front of the pack in itself.

It's hard to be a winner. If it was easy, there would be a lot more winners. Winners do things losers are not willing to do. I would say that one of those main 'things' could well be sticking to a thing when it is hard, and not only when it is easy. And you are already sticking to it . . . when it is hard. These people with experience are all telling you, the roller coaster levels out a bit, and it's not all a walk in the flower garden, but it is very, very worth it, because back there is, well, back there.

Jsbodhi

You sound like how I've felt the last couple days, I did drink and it wasn't even nice, just wanted the alcohol out of my body and to be sober again.
Stay safe out there xoxo