Separated AH in early recovery
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Separated AH in early recovery
I normally post in Friends and Family Forum but I was advised I might be served well posting this here.
My separated AH just starting a recovery program. We share a 6 yr old daughter. I want to be supportive of him but as I am working my own recovery for co-dependence I am not sure what our contact should be. As expected he is up and down and all around. Not mean but sometimes I can tell his mind is just not focused. I just need advice from someone who has gone through it. What is the best way for me to be supportive but still staying on my side of the street? He seems forthcoming when he says things are nuts inside his mind right now. He says it helps to have DD6 daily even if its for a little, then at times he says he just wants to be alone and sleep. I do not have an interest in restoring our marriage although I still love him. I just want to support him in the best way for him and our daughter without getting all "codie".
My separated AH just starting a recovery program. We share a 6 yr old daughter. I want to be supportive of him but as I am working my own recovery for co-dependence I am not sure what our contact should be. As expected he is up and down and all around. Not mean but sometimes I can tell his mind is just not focused. I just need advice from someone who has gone through it. What is the best way for me to be supportive but still staying on my side of the street? He seems forthcoming when he says things are nuts inside his mind right now. He says it helps to have DD6 daily even if its for a little, then at times he says he just wants to be alone and sleep. I do not have an interest in restoring our marriage although I still love him. I just want to support him in the best way for him and our daughter without getting all "codie".
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I really think the best thing that you can do is to look after yourself and your daughter. Early recovery is tough and it's fantastic your husband is in a recovery programme but that's where he needs to get his support from. It's likely that his mind will be all over the place for some time so having an awareness and acceptance of that is important. Keep yourself and your daughters welfare as the main priority and as your husband recovers you will be in a better place to decide your future. All the best xx
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Originally Posted by LBrain 
for starters, drop the AH - I assume that means alcoholic husband - an obvious alanon thing, and start referring to him as your husband
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Originally Posted by iamthird
That is an acronym for Alcoholic Husband, yes. We use acronyms frequently on the F&F forum boards. I guess posting in this section was a mistake but I was advised to by a moderator so I took their advice. I'll go back to my corner....
If you wanted the alcoholic point of view you'll find it here...
often a thread posted at around this time of day will get comparatively fewer responses tho...simply because there are fewer members online.
As to what can you or should you do...I have to admit I'm still unsure about this situation and what the relationship is.
Generally tho, I think you need to accept that your AH's recovery is his recovery.
You can't do it for him, and I'm sure you realise that from your reading on co-dependency.
Support is important sure but a persons recovery stands or falls on what they do.
Beyond that how much you get involved will be up to you.
If you are separated I still think your child's best interests should be your priority here, followed by your own.
If your AH needs support there are many options open to him. You should never feel obligated to be his sole or primary support iamthird
D
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Originally Posted by LBrain
for starters, drop the AH - I assume that means alcoholic husband - an obvious alanon thing, and start referring to him as your husband
why exactly LB?
D
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Hi iamthird -
Welcome to newcomers thread - your posts are always welcome here.
Each person's recovery is unique, and I'm afraid there isn't enough info in your post to offer you helpful specifics.
However, taking care of your stuff is best way you can support him. This is not in contradiction to healing a codie - they are one in the same.
As an observation, much of the post is still centered on your husband, rather than your needs - except for the comment that you do not want to be married to him. So I suggest starting there - where you can clearly hear your own voice - and focus on create interactions that are in accordance with that voice.
Using AH as an example - H is confusing b/c you don't want to restore your marriage, and AH could be interpreted as a shame label - which isn't supportive. This doesn't seem to be in accordance with your intent.
I think you're doing a good thing by reaching out and asking questions, and I hope that you continue to do so. Browsing the newcomers threads can also help as they are full of info.
Welcome to newcomers thread - your posts are always welcome here.
Each person's recovery is unique, and I'm afraid there isn't enough info in your post to offer you helpful specifics.
However, taking care of your stuff is best way you can support him. This is not in contradiction to healing a codie - they are one in the same.
As an observation, much of the post is still centered on your husband, rather than your needs - except for the comment that you do not want to be married to him. So I suggest starting there - where you can clearly hear your own voice - and focus on create interactions that are in accordance with that voice.
Using AH as an example - H is confusing b/c you don't want to restore your marriage, and AH could be interpreted as a shame label - which isn't supportive. This doesn't seem to be in accordance with your intent.
I think you're doing a good thing by reaching out and asking questions, and I hope that you continue to do so. Browsing the newcomers threads can also help as they are full of info.
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I don't care about the AH, I mean really, it is just an abbreviation so we know who someone is talking about.
I can understand if I am standing on the street, I would never say my alcoholic husband or addict boyfriend but it is a recovery site...Get real!
Anyway...
Keep the focus on you and your child. That does not mean you can't tell him you support him and that you are praying for him.
That does not mean telling him how to work his program. Don't tell him to go to a meeting, don't tell him to call his sponsor. If he has a problem and is trying to unload it on you or get you to give him an answer then you can suggest he talk to someone in the program. "Call you sponsor!" does not equal "I can't really help with that, is there someone you should call?"
You understand what I mean? That puts it back to him, put the ball back in his court. It will save you a lot of heartache, whirling of emotions worrying about him and/or the need/want to help/fix/solve/control his problem.
Whatever it is, put the ball back in his court. If he can't figure it out himself (and he can't, he needs to ask for help) then he will reach out to people that can help him and with all the honestly and sincere expression I can express in text, that person is not you.
He needs to do these things, now whether he wants to is another issue but it is not YOUR issue. Yours is Al-anon and your child.
That will last a while and it is best to leave him be. Try hard not to say anything negative and I say that because anything you say now could set him off depending on his mood at that moment. The emotions are up and down and can change on a dime. I am NOT telling you that his reaction is your fault, it is not, but early recovery is raw and I won't poke a bear with a stick.
If he wants it, if he wants sobriety, he will ask for it and he will work for it.
All that said, try to live in the moment. If you are both having a good moment then express it was a good moment, enjoy it and let it be. If you see him having a good moment with your daughter then express that and let it be.
Letting things be and letting things go is a big part of recovery on both sides of the fence.
I can understand if I am standing on the street, I would never say my alcoholic husband or addict boyfriend but it is a recovery site...Get real!
Anyway...
Originally Posted by iamthird
I want to be supportive of him but as I am working my own recovery for co-dependence
That does not mean telling him how to work his program. Don't tell him to go to a meeting, don't tell him to call his sponsor. If he has a problem and is trying to unload it on you or get you to give him an answer then you can suggest he talk to someone in the program. "Call you sponsor!" does not equal "I can't really help with that, is there someone you should call?"
You understand what I mean? That puts it back to him, put the ball back in his court. It will save you a lot of heartache, whirling of emotions worrying about him and/or the need/want to help/fix/solve/control his problem.
Whatever it is, put the ball back in his court. If he can't figure it out himself (and he can't, he needs to ask for help) then he will reach out to people that can help him and with all the honestly and sincere expression I can express in text, that person is not you.
He needs to do these things, now whether he wants to is another issue but it is not YOUR issue. Yours is Al-anon and your child.
Originally Posted by iamthird
As expected he is up and down and all around. Not mean but sometimes I can tell his mind is just not focused.
If he wants it, if he wants sobriety, he will ask for it and he will work for it.
All that said, try to live in the moment. If you are both having a good moment then express it was a good moment, enjoy it and let it be. If you see him having a good moment with your daughter then express that and let it be.
Letting things be and letting things go is a big part of recovery on both sides of the fence.
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Join Date: May 2012
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It's hard to disagree with any of the above. I was not initially inspired to respond as there is simply not enough information. Alcohol? Drugs? If drugs what kind. For some this matters. For others not so much.
My wife could have left me or thrown me out but chose to stay and support my efforts as she felt I was worth it somehow. In the end I could not have done it without her but as I have come back I hope I'm proving to be worth it. She has simply stood by me while I struggled through what I needed to do. That was/is invaluable to me. It helped that she knew and I wasn't hiding the fact that I was trying to get clean as many others do. She knew all along. I could feel her support and I knew that if I was having a rough time I could go to her and talk.
This is a bit different than some and I would not know how one predicts who is worth taking a stand for and who is not.
One thing to consider is that the statistics for a recovering addict/alcoholic are very poor.
My wife could have left me or thrown me out but chose to stay and support my efforts as she felt I was worth it somehow. In the end I could not have done it without her but as I have come back I hope I'm proving to be worth it. She has simply stood by me while I struggled through what I needed to do. That was/is invaluable to me. It helped that she knew and I wasn't hiding the fact that I was trying to get clean as many others do. She knew all along. I could feel her support and I knew that if I was having a rough time I could go to her and talk.
This is a bit different than some and I would not know how one predicts who is worth taking a stand for and who is not.
One thing to consider is that the statistics for a recovering addict/alcoholic are very poor.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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My post was not meant to scare anyone back to their corner. I guess it's just me. I just find it demeaning being referred to as an AH or A. I understand that is how that group speaks, but it still comes across as a way to dehumanize a person. That's all I was trying to convey. Sorry that it came across as contemptuous. Perhaps it was, but it seems to be a derogatory label from my point of view when a group just throws it around all the time in that context.
Now that I've lightened up a little, maybe I should be called a Drinking American instead of an Alcoholic. Don't call me the 'A' word
. I'm not your alcoholic. Nobody is.
That is all.
Now that I've lightened up a little, maybe I should be called a Drinking American instead of an Alcoholic. Don't call me the 'A' word
. I'm not your alcoholic. Nobody is.That is all.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Just to be there as a friend i would say.
If my ex-partner had have been even the slightest bit friendly or respectful towards me things would be nowhere near as dire as they have turned out.
Sounds like you are already being as supportive as you can. Cool, the guy is lucky.
If my ex-partner had have been even the slightest bit friendly or respectful towards me things would be nowhere near as dire as they have turned out.
Sounds like you are already being as supportive as you can. Cool, the guy is lucky.
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Originally Posted by LBrain
My post was not meant to scare anyone back to their corner. I guess it's just me. I just find it demeaning being referred to as an AH or A. I understand that is how that group speaks, but it still comes across as a way to dehumanize a person. That's all I was trying to convey. Sorry that it came across as contemptuous. Perhaps it was, but it seems to be a derogatory label from my point of view when a group just throws it around all the time in that context.
Now that I've lightened up a little, maybe I should be called a Drinking American instead of an Alcoholic. Don't call me the 'A' word. I'm not your alcoholic. Nobody is.
That is all.
Now that I've lightened up a little, maybe I should be called a Drinking American instead of an Alcoholic. Don't call me the 'A' word
. I'm not your alcoholic. Nobody is.That is all.
Good for you - I wouldn't have taken you for a feminist tho, LB.
Seriously, tho, I wouldn't over think it.
I was an alcoholic, and a husband.
When I think back to the way I treated my two partners when I was drinking, I consider myself lucky AH generally stands for Alcoholic Husband round here, and not ***-hole.
D
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Originally Posted by Dee74
I still think I gave good advice to post here.
If you wanted the alcoholic point of view you'll find it here...
often a thread posted at around this time of day will get comparatively fewer responses tho...simply because there are fewer members online.
As to what can you or should you do...I have to admit I'm still unsure about this situation and what the relationship is.
Generally tho, I think you need to accept that your AH's recovery is his recovery.
You can't do it for him, and I'm sure you realise that from your reading on co-dependency.
Support is important sure but a persons recovery stands or falls on what they do.
Beyond that how much you get involved will be up to you.
If you are separated I still think your child's best interests should be your priority here, followed by your own.
If your AH needs support there are many options open to him. You should never feel obligated to be his sole or primary support iamthird
D
If you wanted the alcoholic point of view you'll find it here...
often a thread posted at around this time of day will get comparatively fewer responses tho...simply because there are fewer members online.
As to what can you or should you do...I have to admit I'm still unsure about this situation and what the relationship is.
Generally tho, I think you need to accept that your AH's recovery is his recovery.
You can't do it for him, and I'm sure you realise that from your reading on co-dependency.
Support is important sure but a persons recovery stands or falls on what they do.
Beyond that how much you get involved will be up to you.
If you are separated I still think your child's best interests should be your priority here, followed by your own.
If your AH needs support there are many options open to him. You should never feel obligated to be his sole or primary support iamthird
D
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