Mentium

I am something of a serial relapser. I am on day one yet again after a period of several months drinking preceded by almost 11 months sober. You get the picture. It has been the story of my life for over 30 years.

I am not and never have been an out of control drinker, which is not to say I had control either of course. A bottle and a bit of wine pretty much every night - far too much of course - but not the level of intake some of the people I have met at AA were doing. The balance between cost and benefit has at times been a small one - the relaxation and buzz in the evening worth the nightmare that the day becomes, and as time goes on I feel worse and worse - mostly mental anguish and anxiety and I get to the point where I drink just to make those feelings go away. It is a vicious cycle. And when I get to that point I put the brakes on - it isn't easy - but somehow I get the strength to - and detox myself for a few days, weeks or in the case of the last stretch for about 11 months.

Someone asked me on here in another thread what am I going to this time that is different to all the other times. And I asked myself the same question.

Well I have arranged for some counselling. I left AA because it made no sense to me in the end, but a friend of mine from there suggested that I would probably never quit for good unless I got to the bottom of my motivation for drinking. I am also changing my diet. In the past I have binged on chocolate when I have quit and that has (from reading I have done recently) set up exactly the sort of carbohydrate highs and lows that can mimic alcohol cravings - and some people believe contribute strongly to them. The diet starts in a few days when all the alcohol is out of my system.

I don't feel those two things are enough in terms of some sort of coherent plan, so I have decided to change my whole day around as well. When I am drinking I make sure I have an empty stomach in the evening so as to enjoy that 'hit' more when it gets to the brain. Starting tonight (just finished it actually!) I am eating a reasonable sized meal at the time I would normally crack open a bottle of wine. I have also started a journal which if is is readable enough may well end up as a blog, though I'm not sure I write well enough for that.

I have two border terriers (that's one of them in my avatar!) and instead of moping around with a thick head and anxiety ridden brain until 10.30 before taking them out for a walk I am going to do that at 8.30 or so.

And finally I plan to come here every evening and read and post. So apologies for the long #1 post tonight. It has done me good even if has bored everyone else rigid!

Take care all.

upminer

Counciling has really helped me good luck

awuh1

I would look very carefully at what leads up to that first drink, on each and every time that you decided to drink again. Search your memory and write it out. If you do this quite carefully you will likely begin to see patterns emerge. Often people see multiple patterns that lead up to a first drink.

THEN, formulate a plan for each different set of circumstances so as to not repeat the mistake(s).

This is more difficult to do than it may at first appear.

Mentium

Brendan - thank you for your thoughtful response, but no - I don't feel guilty at all really. And when I say I am not an 'out of control drinker' I am comparing my habit with some of the people at AA I have met who were drinking pretty much every waking hour before they got sober. The limit of my control is drinking enough to fall asleep/go unconscious on the sofa most nights.

If I could drink at that level say two or even three days a week and leave it for the rest of the week I would probably drink that way, but I can't and what happens in that the toxicity builds up to the point were the day time is a living hell of anxiety and swirling mental crap. It is that which I want to quit for - to get rid of it.

Perhaps I can't and maybe I am doomed to detox, relapse and drink to the end of my days. But it isn't what I want. I am seeking happy sobriety as are many of us here I imagine.

SoberLeigh

Sounds as though you have given your plan considerable thought, Mentium. I couldn't tell from your post if you are going to give AA another try. I have not utilized AA but, as your friend mentioned and many here have mentioned, the Steps seem to provide a mechanism for getting to the root of our alcoholism.

Rooting for you, Mentium. Really good to see you back.

doggonecarl

If this is your pattern, seeking a break from drinking, then it's no wonder you go back to drinking. I'm not seeing where "never drinking again" is the goal.

So let me ask the obvious. Are you done? Really done, with drinking. Because if you are holding out the hope of one day...as in one day I'll be able to drink, then one day, indeed, you will drink. And maybe the ability to take those breaks will become harder and harder to achieve.

Sarahnels

If you can for 11 months, you can do 11 more. I'm in the same boat! Nine months at a time and then bam, another binder. So, I feel for you. How can we have so much strength and lose it all in one night? I am also thinking about seeing a therapist. I have heard of it helping a ton. I hope that it works for you!

Anna

Mentium, I apologize for this thread getting off track.

I think you have a good plan. Eating well and watching sugar intake is good. And, of course, exercising and time with your pets is invaluable. I also think that writing/blogging is helpful.

upminer

so true. Every time I tried to moderate sooner or later the binge was around the corner....

SoberLeigh

Agreed, and it was ALWAYS sooner for me, much sooner.

Nofearnobeer

Good plan Mentium! Stick with it and to it! Turn 11 months into a year , then 2 years , then 11 years...!

Nofearnobeer

SoberLeigh

I put down the drink and I am happier, more content, more satisfied and more consumed with positive emotions than I ever was while drinking or engaging in my desperately futile attempts at moderation. I will never regret putting down the drink and regaining my life, my soul.

mns1

You are not doomed Mentium. As long as you keep trying, you are never doomed. If something doesn't work, you readjust, and then try again. And again, and again, and again.

But I think you have a decent approach going. If it's working for you, Keep at it!

More power to you!

Dee74

I've removed some posts.
Please focus on the OP - thanks

Dee
Moderator
SR

PurpleKnight

Sounds like a solid plan Mentium!!

I really needed to also take some drastic steps and completely revolutionise my daily routines to make it happen.

Hopefully this is your turning point!!

Soberwolf

Hi Mentium i think counselling is a good idea i done group therapy i spoke to a local alcohol addiction team i read literature relating to alcoholism spiritually mind management etc i completed 2 college courses i made a point of always visiting & phoning friends & family if not everyday then every other day

i went the extra mile even when it wasnt asked off me

i got into a good routine of this

im not saying you should do any of this but it really really helped me

plus you got all the support of your friends here Mentium you can pm anyone of us whenever you want friend

sg1970

I found that sweets helped me with cravings. Also even though you don't want to get into AA you can always just attend a meeting or two to kill time and be around other alkies.

Best wishes

sg1970

duplicate post

saoutchik

Hello Mentium

Just to say your post was not boring at all - I found what you had to say on chocolate very interesting and a bit disturbing as I am eating lots myself (23 days sober)

Way to go on 11 months!