The "Have you been drinking?" questions
Sober Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Lancashire
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by MrLofg0029 
Yes, for a few months she was going regularly, but in the last year, she goes 2x per month and has no sponsor. Current status is thus that she's a little bit of a member of AlAnon.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi, I'm an alcoholic as is my husband. He's recently relapsed. I've stayed the course. Before he relapsed I started getting scared because I saw all the patterns that I saw in the past that led up to his prior relapses falling into place. And sure enough, he relapsed. Has anything changed in your program lately? Maybe she is sensing something is off and this is triggering her fear.
And honestly, my husband has lied to me about going to AA meetings as an excuse to get out of the house. He's gone to AA meetings and then been gone for the night afterwards. He went to an AA meeting this morning in fact and is out now. I knew when I came home he was already using. So, that said, it takes a long time for trust to be rebuilt. It was good that you were honest but it triggered her fears.
Maybe talk to her about how the questions are making her feel. Focus on your recovery (and congratulations on your eleven months). Maybe go together to an open meeting. Introduce her to some of the people in your group.
And honestly, vanilla extract, listerine, cologne. People who are desperate will drink anything with a high alcohol content. Not such an odd thing. I once saw a guy standing on the street corner at six in the morning with a bottle of Mountain Dew in one hand and listerine in the other. It happens. Good luck.
And honestly, my husband has lied to me about going to AA meetings as an excuse to get out of the house. He's gone to AA meetings and then been gone for the night afterwards. He went to an AA meeting this morning in fact and is out now. I knew when I came home he was already using. So, that said, it takes a long time for trust to be rebuilt. It was good that you were honest but it triggered her fears.
Maybe talk to her about how the questions are making her feel. Focus on your recovery (and congratulations on your eleven months). Maybe go together to an open meeting. Introduce her to some of the people in your group.
And honestly, vanilla extract, listerine, cologne. People who are desperate will drink anything with a high alcohol content. Not such an odd thing. I once saw a guy standing on the street corner at six in the morning with a bottle of Mountain Dew in one hand and listerine in the other. It happens. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Chattanooga TN
Posts: 596
I didn't read all the posts, but I have to say if I had to deal with ME for any amount of time before I quit drinking, I would not believe a word, for a very, very long time. Addicts lie with impunity. It isn't a a character flaw, it is the addiction. How many tmes have we wanted to be sober for all the right reasons... and I mean really wanted it, but failed and lied to try and cover it?
IMO, the best you can do is stop being defensive about her questions, they are warranted. She obviously has stuck with you through a lot of drunk bs, and it will take some time before she stops expecting that. It isn't her fault, it is a natural defense to not continue being lied too. The fact that you aren't lying "this time" isn't her problem, so I would drop the defensive stance and expecting immediate reprieve from her past experiences.
IMO, the best you can do is stop being defensive about her questions, they are warranted. She obviously has stuck with you through a lot of drunk bs, and it will take some time before she stops expecting that. It isn't her fault, it is a natural defense to not continue being lied too. The fact that you aren't lying "this time" isn't her problem, so I would drop the defensive stance and expecting immediate reprieve from her past experiences.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
I agree that I takes a long time to regain trust. However, if she using that as an attack just to belittle you I think that's borderline abusive.
On my favorite advice radio show there was a call similar to this recently. Her advice is to look at the person and just say "that hurt." No greater detail than that. I wonder if that would work?
On my favorite advice radio show there was a call similar to this recently. Her advice is to look at the person and just say "that hurt." No greater detail than that. I wonder if that would work?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
I've talked to my sponsor some of the old timers who know how I drink. They reminded me that I created this monster, however they each did say that it's batural for me to feel pissed considering how hard it's been for me and how much work I've put in to stay sober.
A few pointed out that she might be doing it to **** me off because she's unhappy about something she won't talk about. This makes sense to me. I'm a Jekyll and Hyde drinker.
Alternatively she's confused because I am acting differently because I'm sober, and she's looking for clues that the biggest behavior modifier in my life - alcohol - is to blame. Regardless, it's still an annoyance.
I'm in the passenger seat if my car, heading out of town. She insisted on driving because she wasn't sure if I was ok to drive. Sigh
A few pointed out that she might be doing it to **** me off because she's unhappy about something she won't talk about. This makes sense to me. I'm a Jekyll and Hyde drinker.
Alternatively she's confused because I am acting differently because I'm sober, and she's looking for clues that the biggest behavior modifier in my life - alcohol - is to blame. Regardless, it's still an annoyance.
I'm in the passenger seat if my car, heading out of town. She insisted on driving because she wasn't sure if I was ok to drive. Sigh
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