Wife still drinks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Crestview, Fl
Posts: 102
Wife still drinks
My wife still drinks. Annoying but I am staying sober for me, not her. My big issue is that every time she drinks, she starts a fight with me and always make me out as the bad guy and her as the victim regardless of what the fight is about. Help! Anyone???
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I'm not sure what you could do about that retiredusaf...I pretty firmly believe we can't control how someone else acts, only how we respond...
either learn to let it wash off you, or if you think it might help, speak to her about it when she's not drinking maybe and see how that goes?
D
either learn to let it wash off you, or if you think it might help, speak to her about it when she's not drinking maybe and see how that goes?
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
I was doing the same thing your wife was doing, I was seriously a nightmare for my boyfriend, I also didn't remember anything because I black out, and I thought he was over exaggerating what I did the next day, until I became aware of my behaviour .
Then I realized I had to change, my advice would be to try and talk to her sober, without being accusatory and pointing fingers, just an honest conversation about how you feel and how it's affecting you.
If she feels backed in a corner or guilt tripped she'll get defensive.
Maybe try to write her a letter too, be kind and explain how you'd like to make things better between the two of you, make sure to own up to your mistakes too, otherwise she'll probably point them out to you,
maybe just try to say that neither of you is perfect, but that you'd like to be better and have a healthier and more respectful relationship, tell her your relationships means a lot to you, and so does she.
I could be wrong about this, but it worked for me
it wasn't until he owned his behaviour and was kind about the whole situation that I finally listened, and was able to acknowledge my own responsibility for the way things were.
When he got mad and told me over and over again what I was doing wrong and how horrible I was being, I just reminded him of what he was doing, it was like a relationship arms race.
But after we talked kindly, both of us couldn't apologize more!! Haha. Its been awesome since and we've both held up our ends of the bargain. Not perfect, but pretty damn good.
Now I admit I have slipped a couple times and been a blackout psycho once or twice since, but I have been trying so hard and he knows that, he let my slips go and allowed room for error, that meant so much to me I can't even explain it, my love and respect for him grew so much through all of this.
Good luck and I hope you two can work something out
Then I realized I had to change, my advice would be to try and talk to her sober, without being accusatory and pointing fingers, just an honest conversation about how you feel and how it's affecting you.
If she feels backed in a corner or guilt tripped she'll get defensive.
Maybe try to write her a letter too, be kind and explain how you'd like to make things better between the two of you, make sure to own up to your mistakes too, otherwise she'll probably point them out to you,
maybe just try to say that neither of you is perfect, but that you'd like to be better and have a healthier and more respectful relationship, tell her your relationships means a lot to you, and so does she.
I could be wrong about this, but it worked for me
it wasn't until he owned his behaviour and was kind about the whole situation that I finally listened, and was able to acknowledge my own responsibility for the way things were. When he got mad and told me over and over again what I was doing wrong and how horrible I was being, I just reminded him of what he was doing, it was like a relationship arms race.
But after we talked kindly, both of us couldn't apologize more!! Haha. Its been awesome since and we've both held up our ends of the bargain. Not perfect, but pretty damn good.
Now I admit I have slipped a couple times and been a blackout psycho once or twice since, but I have been trying so hard and he knows that, he let my slips go and allowed room for error, that meant so much to me I can't even explain it, my love and respect for him grew so much through all of this.
Good luck and I hope you two can work something out
Wu Wei
Join Date: May 2014
Location: So. California, USA
Posts: 351
I have the same problem and it's starting to get to me. So I started in with the AL Anon forum and so far it has been helpful but I haven't got down to setting boundaries or detaching, as they say. Just starting out. But the situation is really getting under my skin.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by Jsbodhi 
I was doing the same thing your wife was doing, I was seriously a nightmare for my boyfriend, I also didn't remember anything because I black out, and I thought he was over exaggerating what I did the next day, until I became aware of my behaviour .
Then I realized I had to change, my advice would be to try and talk to her sober, without being accusatory and pointing fingers, just an honest conversation about how you feel and how it's affecting you.
If she feels backed in a corner or guilt tripped she'll get defensive.
Maybe try to write her a letter too, be kind and explain how you'd like to make things better between the two of you, make sure to own up to your mistakes too, otherwise she'll probably point them out to you,
maybe just try to say that neither of you is perfect, but that you'd like to be better and have a healthier and more respectful relationship, tell her your relationships means a lot to you, and so does she.
I could be wrong about this, but it worked for me it wasn't until he owned his behaviour and was kind about the whole situation that I finally listened, and was able to acknowledge my own responsibility for the way things were.
When he got mad and told me over and over again what I was doing wrong and how horrible I was being, I just reminded him of what he was doing, it was like a relationship arms race.
But after we talked kindly, both of us couldn't apologize more!! Haha. Its been awesome since and we've both held up our ends of the bargain. Not perfect, but pretty damn good.
Now I admit I have slipped a couple times and been a blackout psycho once or twice since, but I have been trying so hard and he knows that, he let my slips go and allowed room for error, that meant so much to me I can't even explain it, my love and respect for him grew so much through all of this.
Good luck and I hope you two can work something out
Then I realized I had to change, my advice would be to try and talk to her sober, without being accusatory and pointing fingers, just an honest conversation about how you feel and how it's affecting you.
If she feels backed in a corner or guilt tripped she'll get defensive.
Maybe try to write her a letter too, be kind and explain how you'd like to make things better between the two of you, make sure to own up to your mistakes too, otherwise she'll probably point them out to you,
maybe just try to say that neither of you is perfect, but that you'd like to be better and have a healthier and more respectful relationship, tell her your relationships means a lot to you, and so does she.
I could be wrong about this, but it worked for me
it wasn't until he owned his behaviour and was kind about the whole situation that I finally listened, and was able to acknowledge my own responsibility for the way things were. When he got mad and told me over and over again what I was doing wrong and how horrible I was being, I just reminded him of what he was doing, it was like a relationship arms race.
But after we talked kindly, both of us couldn't apologize more!! Haha. Its been awesome since and we've both held up our ends of the bargain. Not perfect, but pretty damn good.
Now I admit I have slipped a couple times and been a blackout psycho once or twice since, but I have been trying so hard and he knows that, he let my slips go and allowed room for error, that meant so much to me I can't even explain it, my love and respect for him grew so much through all of this.
Good luck and I hope you two can work something out
^^^^^^ sounds a great approach to me
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Wow JS! That has to be the most inspiring story I've read here lately.Retired, I got the same exact advice last night from an AA member I respect and has been through this very thing. My situation is slightly different in that mine is sober. Words can hurt but I cut the drama in half by not reacting. This takes everything I have. She's very scared and some of it is real and some not. A month or so of compassion and kindness will end the game regardless if I stay or go. I'm committed
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I see this dynamic with my parents. Unfortunately, they both want to believe that it is their volatile, passionate relationship that causes my mother's drinking, not the fact that she is an alcoholic. Sometimes alcoholics purposely start arguments as "justification" for their drinking. From an outsider's point-of-view the biggest mistakes my father makes in this situation is trying to reason with my mother when she is drunk and minimizing the past drunken behavior when she is sober. Take good care and stay sober. A sober life is an amazing life . . . .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Originally Posted by Jsbodhi
I was doing the same thing your wife was doing, I was seriously a nightmare for my boyfriend, I also didn't remember anything because I black out, and I thought he was over exaggerating what I did the next day, until I became aware of my behaviour .
Then I realized I had to change, my advice would be to try and talk to her sober, without being accusatory and pointing fingers, just an honest conversation about how you feel and how it's affecting you.
If she feels backed in a corner or guilt tripped she'll get defensive.
Maybe try to write her a letter too, be kind and explain how you'd like to make things better between the two of you, make sure to own up to your mistakes too, otherwise she'll probably point them out to you,
maybe just try to say that neither of you is perfect, but that you'd like to be better and have a healthier and more respectful relationship, tell her your relationships means a lot to you, and so does she.
I could be wrong about this, but it worked for me it wasn't until he owned his behaviour and was kind about the whole situation that I finally listened, and was able to acknowledge my own responsibility for the way things were.
When he got mad and told me over and over again what I was doing wrong and how horrible I was being, I just reminded him of what he was doing, it was like a relationship arms race.
But after we talked kindly, both of us couldn't apologize more!! Haha. Its been awesome since and we've both held up our ends of the bargain. Not perfect, but pretty damn good.
Now I admit I have slipped a couple times and been a blackout psycho once or twice since, but I have been trying so hard and he knows that, he let my slips go and allowed room for error, that meant so much to me I can't even explain it, my love and respect for him grew so much through all of this.
Good luck and I hope you two can work something out
Then I realized I had to change, my advice would be to try and talk to her sober, without being accusatory and pointing fingers, just an honest conversation about how you feel and how it's affecting you.
If she feels backed in a corner or guilt tripped she'll get defensive.
Maybe try to write her a letter too, be kind and explain how you'd like to make things better between the two of you, make sure to own up to your mistakes too, otherwise she'll probably point them out to you,
maybe just try to say that neither of you is perfect, but that you'd like to be better and have a healthier and more respectful relationship, tell her your relationships means a lot to you, and so does she.
I could be wrong about this, but it worked for me
it wasn't until he owned his behaviour and was kind about the whole situation that I finally listened, and was able to acknowledge my own responsibility for the way things were. When he got mad and told me over and over again what I was doing wrong and how horrible I was being, I just reminded him of what he was doing, it was like a relationship arms race.
But after we talked kindly, both of us couldn't apologize more!! Haha. Its been awesome since and we've both held up our ends of the bargain. Not perfect, but pretty damn good.
Now I admit I have slipped a couple times and been a blackout psycho once or twice since, but I have been trying so hard and he knows that, he let my slips go and allowed room for error, that meant so much to me I can't even explain it, my love and respect for him grew so much through all of this.
Good luck and I hope you two can work something out
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I think you need to decide what you are willing to accept/live with and make a decision to ignore it or to move on. I do hope you find some peace and congratulations on your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by gettingsmarter
Have a camera on your phone? If she gets into a rage record her so she can see how nice she is when drinking. She will be pissed off anyway. She might be surprised when you show it to her when she's sober.
It was cruel but effective.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: South Bay, So Cal
Posts: 6,123
I know I've written before on thus subject, so I'll keep my response brief. My husband surrendered and admitted he was an alcoholic. He went to 12 Step Meetings, got the Sponsor, continues to work the steps k traditions. Sponsors other men. Has commitments and is of service in and out of the rooms. He was an excellent example of recovery! He insisted on being the "attraction" NOT "promotion" of sobriety ,
I went on to drink another 7 years after he got sober. No amount of letters from my son, fights ( when I was drunk...which was every night) with my husband. NOTHING made me stop, I did not have a problem. I haven't logical explanation, but I do know I told my husband I was thinking of Rehab. The next week, I drank!! That Monday I went into Kaiser de-tox, then Regab for 1 month. I know, from my life experience, until the addict is ready to give up this insane relationship...nothing the family can do or say will make for her sobriety. Just my story.
Bobbi
I went on to drink another 7 years after he got sober. No amount of letters from my son, fights ( when I was drunk...which was every night) with my husband. NOTHING made me stop, I did not have a problem. I haven't logical explanation, but I do know I told my husband I was thinking of Rehab. The next week, I drank!! That Monday I went into Kaiser de-tox, then Regab for 1 month. I know, from my life experience, until the addict is ready to give up this insane relationship...nothing the family can do or say will make for her sobriety. Just my story.
Bobbi
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
