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Old 01-20-2015, 07:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Trying to stay sober fiancé still drinking


Hi-
I am new to this forum and am looking for some suggestions. After many attempts to stay sober for a a span of 20 years (At one time I had 5 years-10 years ago) my disease has progressed to the point that I have ended up in ICU-rehab-detox on several occasions - I am currently enrolled in an IOP Program and am attending meetings on a daily basis along with Naltrexone meds- my problem is that my fiancé still drinks and this bothers me to the point that we constantly argue-it's not easy coming home from meetings and he is passed out-I do not want to give up on this relationship but at this point my sobriety has to be my number one priority-I do not think I have another detox left in me- any suggestions besides throwing in the towel on our relationship- he also smokes med marijuana-has a legit med card for it-I just want him to meet me half way -
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Old 01-20-2015, 07:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to the Forum!!

Have you talked to him, and explained that you are now parting with alcohol? that may make the difference!!
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Old 01-20-2015, 07:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR, buxton. It is not easy to achieve and maintain sobriety when our partner continues on with their addictive behavior but it is possible. Putting your own sobriety first is key. If you find that you cannot maintain your own sobriety in the face of your fiavce's drinking, you may have some hard decisions to make.

Ave you considered Alanon?
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Old 01-20-2015, 08:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi buxton,

You've come to a good place
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“It’s tempting to want to live in the past. It’s familiar, it’s comfortable. But it’s where fossils come from.”
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Old 01-20-2015, 08:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome Buxton nice to meet you
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Old 01-20-2015, 08:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Buxton - welcome

Thats a tough one but may members here have had to deal with partners who drink or drug. I think the important thing is to find your own support and really use the heck out of it....

you'll find a lot of hope and support here

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Old 01-20-2015, 09:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Buxton and welcome. Does your fiancé want to quit or not? Does he want you to quit or not? These are questions you need to ask. A lot of partners will continue drinking and even sabotage our efforts because they don't want to lose a drinking partner or they don't want to have to examine their own consumption. They will drink in front of us or pick fights, knowing it is a trigger or is their excuse to continue drinking.

By now you have probably figured out that arguing over it isn't pushing him towards quitting and is only stressing you out. You cannot control what he does. You can only control your reactions to what he does. Focus on you and not him at this point. Get some sober time under your belt before you make any decisions. You need a clear head.

As for giving up. Well, I'm still with my husband despite the two of us cycling in and out of sobriety. He admits he has a problem and perhaps, at this point, his past experience staying sober is kicking in. But that is me. I've managed to stay sober through his relapse but I had to really let go. If he doesn't make it then I will have to decide. You may have to eventually have to make a choice. Do you really want to marry a man who is passed out drunk a lot, when you get home? If you plan to have kids, do you want a partner who is unreliable in minding children because he's passed out? You don't have to make that choice today. Just for today, choose to be kind too yourself and stay sober without any regard to what your fiancé is or isn't doing.

Keep coming back here and reading. There are a bunch of us on here who are alcoholics with alcoholic partners. It can be done. Just stick with your program.
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Old 01-20-2015, 10:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I feel your pain. My wife still drinks and insists on picking a fight when she has been drinking. I am staying sober for me, not her. It is YOUR sobriety, not his.
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