Lance40

Last time I quit drinking I relapsed around Day 70, and this time I'm at Day 71 and feel myself hitting that wall again. Sobriety doesn't seem as serious, my commitment is not as strong and I've left off some of my sobriety practices. I've started to experience occasional cravings, have started to have some drinking dreams and have a sneaking thought that some unplanned time in my future I will drink. I've shared my concern with my sponsor, am committing to weekly AA meetings, am starting back my sobriety practices and have decided to stay closer to SR which is why I'm posting this now. I guess that's all I have for now.

Dee74

noes the time to really redouble your efforts Lance...the very time you don;t feel like working on your recovery is the time you need to...you'll feel better again and it will get easier, but for now really play it safe, ok?
D

Mikie9

So Lance, you want to be where you were 71 days ago? Just asking because your post sounds like my alcoholic voice...lying to me about how drinking was.

I mean you can if you want too. No one is stopping you. Go ahead, have a drink or two, if you want. But it sure does seem the last 70 days have been good for you? Things are better? Not saying things have ben perfect, but better than 70 days ago, right?

If being sober these last 2 plus months is really worse than when you stopped, well, go ahead and go back there if you want. Be a damn shame to give up on your goal now.

Seems you have lost what it is like to be a drunk, and you need to remember my friend. It is an ugly place or you would have have never needed to stop.

Find your first post here, and then think about things, and then decide your plans.

Lance40

The last 70 days have been good, really good. I've been rediscovering hobbies, interests and activities that I had left behind for years. I am happy and feel that my life has purpose. I've gotten so engaged with life that I've not made it a priority to make the time to do what I need to do to keep sobriety alive. This isn't about wanting to start drinking again; even with the cravings I don't desire that. It's more about this being a slippery slope that could lead to unintended consequences. I'm taking it as a wake up call that I need to refocus and perhaps look at new ways to keep my sobriety alive while maintaining balance.

Dee74

The important thing to realise is this happens to everyone at some time.

It would be great if recovery was a straight line and the further away we get the better we feel but that's not always the case...just like life, there are some ups and downs to everyone's journey.

I was reading this today - it might be worth a try Lance?

Mindful Meditation: Why It Works

Lance40

Thanks Dee - I like this and am going to give it a try. Also, thanks for the reminder that these times will come. Just posting about how it's been going is giving me some fresh perspective.

Soberwolf

Good luck Lance

mns1

Stand tall and stand firm Lance.

Stay focused and faithful and you will push through this!

soberclover

Stay strong Lance. Jumping in and out of sobriety isn't fun. I remember experiencing the "wow this is real" moment right about this time. Sobriety is so much more than just not drinking and I think you are experiencing that. Sooooooo awesome you are posting these thoughts!!

AddictGuy

Lance,

I hope you get through this. You could come back here and say, "I got through it everybody. And this is how I did it." And we could all celebrate with you, and the terrorists wouldn't win.

You call it hitting a wall. There's something about arriving at and surpassing past milestones -- any milestones. I think of it like Chuck Yeager pushing through the sound barrier for the first time. It was like this place that we didn't even know for sure that we could go . . . and if we could, if we would ever live to tell the tale. It's where things start getting weird. Just what is it about 760 miles an hour? But then this courageous guy, with "the right stuff" says, let's do this. Let's go there. Let's see what this is all about. Let's look for the good in it and forget the rest.

The same with when people thought the world was flat: If you sail off to the horizon, well, bad things can happen. You had better not really lose sight of ground. For one "There be dragons" and if that wasn't bad enough, you could just fall off the edge.

And here we are trying to make a clean and sober life forever for ourselves and we end up with all of these nuts we have to crack first.

If we didn't keep track of the days, we wouldn't even know that it's been 70 days, or however many. But since we do know, well, now it's so much harder. Believe me, I know. Maybe if we put our heads together we could figure this one out. It took a lot of people to build Yeager's plane.

I see one of the things you are talking about focusing on is coming to SR. Yeah. These people here -- they can definitely help you get outside of your own head and staying on target. So many good perspectives.

Even with the people who are still using. You read their stories and you ask yourself: Is that what you want for yourself? To go back in that direction seeing where it can and so often does lead? Really?


Mikie, for instance, is right on. He really sounds like he has both ores in the water. He talks about consequences of bad behavior, benefits of good behavior, asking if you really want to throw all of the progress away -- there are a lot of solid concepts embedded in his brief note. He's done his homework. You should study it. I think I will.

I am curious as to what all we addicts are calling the "the tools" of recovery. Not just one big sledge hammer, but a whole tool box for whatever the leaking pipe or the loose wire might require.

Your sobriety practices -- You mentioned a couple but would you mind listing them for me? I may be clean and sober these days, but there are other not unrelated things, certain squeaky doors of mine that tend to respond to similar treatments and I would like to know all I can about them. My particular mission is self-mastery and that can go in a lot of directions, but the concepts of building our strengths and broadening our vision seem to be broadly applicable and I would like to know more of what you are referring to when you speak of these tools and these practices . . . and anyone here feel free to chime in. What a powerful tool an extensive list of tools and practices would make.

You are saying some of the right things Lance, but I also hear you laying the groundwork, as if you are starting the rationalization process for a slip . . . or a fall. This is your fork in the road -- this is your sound barrier. This is your edge of the earth. Before you decide which way to go, you owe it to yourself and to everyone who wants you to remain sober to check yourself and see if you are doing it with your eyes wide open.

fini

hi Lance,
seems like "the wall" is very common at around the time you're at.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3836936

re-focusing; that's it.

strategery

Lance, I am not as quite as far along as you, but am close (2 months).
One of the things I have done is spend a lot of time in the newcomer's section. There are all sorts of stories. Every so often someone comes back that was sober for awhile (several months to several years), starts drinking, but then keeps on going. They are then usually interested in starting to get sober again, but have numerous complications and issues due to the drinking (withdrawals, legal issues, etc). The sad thing is I don't usually see them around here for long, so I don't know what happens to them. If we start drinking again, it could be either of us that is that person on the board with the problems. I don't want to go there and I am sure you don't want to either.

I think IOA22 always says to keep in mind, x hasn't happened YET. I know if I go back, there is no guarantee I come back or get sober again. The same is true for you. It's easy enough to fall back into drinking again. I also know if I start drinking again, those cravings are going to be a bear to deal with when I stop. While I get cravings, I don't let alcohol be an option. The consequences for starting to drink are just too much for me to entertain the idea of drinking. I don't want to go back to where I was since it was miserable.

I think it's easy to start romanticizing alcohol the further we get away from dealing with the issues related to it. However, I still remember Nuudawn making a comment that the reality of alcohol for her was drinking wine in the morning, in sweats covered with stains. It made a real impression in my mind of what alcoholism really is.

Keep in mind sobriety is as serious now as it was when you first started to where if you think you're weakening, you need to double down on reminding yourself why you got sober and need to stay sober. I am glad you are here and staying vigilant.

Ethos23

I hit that wall . . . many times, in fact. Looking back I was lucky I stopped when I did. Each time I went back to drinking, I would pick up where I left off and it would get worse, much darker and lonelier each time. The time between each time I quit was also much longer. I'm scared that if I didn't stop when I did that I would still be drinking and would have just accepted my fate and kept drinking.

Keep an "attitude of gratitude." Be grateful for your 71 days. Take some time to reflect, or even to write down, a very detailed account of where you were 71 days ago. Why was it so bad that you decided to quit?

Gearnut

Your story resonates with me and it makes sense to have an "attitude of gratitude". IE: Be thankful for every day we have with a clear head and our liver isn't working overtime to process what we've taken in.

Lance40

Thanks for all the posts. There is a lot of stuff here I really needed to hear. I woke up before my alarm this morning and the first thing I did is fumble in the dark for my mobile on my night stand to read on SR. AddictGuy's post was a trifecta: a punch in the gut, a spotlight of clarity and a gauntlet thrown down as a challenge. My ego rose up inside of me and I felt irritated, and then during my shower I realized that it really is black and white. I subconsciously allowed my Day 70 to become my sound barrier and the edge of a flat earth - a place you get up to but don't go past. Right then and there at 7:10am in the shower I re-chose sobriety and decided to punch through the barrier.

As I was walking to work, I realized I've been viewing quitting drinking as an event that happened at a point in time, and that as I amass more sober time that it's something that disappears in the rear view mirror. Not so. I'm a problem drinker - an alcoholic, and I always will be. 1 day of sobriety or 10 years of sobriety doesn't change the fact that even one drink will awaken the beast. Last time I got lucky and I was able to choose sobriety again after a few months, but I was plunging into new depths of misery faster than ever before.

The conscious slide started about 2 weeks ago when I started getting back into my electronic music. I spent years in the rave and underground dance scene, and it became a primary outlet for alcohol and drug use. I became a music collector, and during my earliest days of sobriety I knew I had to stay away from my music collection. Recently I started listening to it, and halfway through the first track I had a drug flashback and was "there" - I felt the rush, the euphoria, the nostalgic numbed bliss.

I knew I was treading on dangerous ground, but I basically told myself "screw it" and kept on listening. That evening I knew there was a rave night at a club, and I started convincing myself that it would be fine to go and be sober. That was foolish because I've done that before and the bartenders know me so well they were pushing free liquor shots across the bar. Only by the grace of God I didn't go, but that put a crack in my sobriety. That crack has let other ideas start to slip in.

The only way that I know how to re-focus right now is to go back to the basics of Day 1, and that's how I'm living out today. I'm not drinking today, I'm avoiding any known triggers, and this evening when I get home I'm setting aside time for an activity that actively supports my sobriety. I think the idea of journaling about where I was 72 days ago to remember what that life is really like is what I plan to do this evening.

Mark1014

Hang in there Lance....this has been a very useful thread for me personally too.

AddictGuy

Lance,

Your afternoon post of today nearly brought tears to my eyes -- quite unexpectedly. I worry if someone I write to will even come back and read it, but I consoled myself that if not you, then maybe someone else. But is was you.

Besides it's a tool of recovery for me too. And like I was saying the idea of focusing on tools and practices of recovery fascinate me, after all, it's a tough, tough job.

You mentioned journal work. I think whether you are writing someone on here, or writing yourself in a journal, either way, at least in part, you are writing to yourself. You are focusing. And focus is critical. And the more focusing you do, the more likely you are to make it.

Often I think, when you don't hear from someone you have written to, it's because they didn't make that day. They have disappeared into the ether. It's nasty out there.

It is such a game. To me, it is THE game. I will confess to you, Lance, I don't like the thought of leaving sight of being in some strange new place and never ever coming back.

I think for some of us the need to have that substance something lives much deeper and closer to our core than in others. The deeper it lives, the farther down inside of ourselves we have to reach to get under it and separate ourselves from it. I think it can come very close to be like leaving a part of our very selves. Almost like tearing the mother ship in half. But if you did do that, at least you would be moving forward with the better part of it, right? And leaving the rest behind. There's that.

I am excited for you. You are a thinking person. You are able and willing to look at yourself and get heart-attack serious about what you are up against. And what you want . . . . given a nudge, lol.

Lance, I want to be a winner -- long term and forever.

Colin Powell said, "I just want to be the same person I was yesterday." Wow! To get to that place. . . Will I live that long and travel that far? First: A dream.

I think the real winners in this life might just be in the minority. I think for most of us, if it is substances, or just a bad attitude, life gets on top of more of us, than we get on top of it.

All do not have the same mountains to climb and for some it really does seem closer to just a walk in the park. Some people have no idea whatsoever what it is like to be an addict. (Why don't you just quit?) But here we are, and our particular mountain is before us. It's not fair that for some of us, it's a higher mountain and a tougher climb, but our mountain is our mountain and what can we do but climb whatever is there? At least then we have the joy in our hearts of knowing that we are moving in the right direction, and, well, isn't that what our lives are for? Growing? It's not selfish, if only because . . .

. . . if we don't have it, we don't have it to give. Taking care of ourselves takes care of more than ourselves. And our whole world is watching -- looking for people who can shine some light and spread some warmth is this world that can be so dark and cold. Are we those people? Those rare few?

I believe it was Buddha that said: "You can vanquish all of your enemies but he who masters himself is the greatest victor."

And it was Patton who said, "Accept the challenge so that you may experience the exhilaration of success." So I kinda put the two of them together and I thought: If victory is the greatest thing and the greatest victory is self-mastery, well then, I know what the ultimate thing to do is. Or like you said, there's the gauntlet. It must be good that at least we can see it for what it is, perhaps like the advantage of the smoke clearing off of the battlefield so we can get a look at the enemy.

So now to navigate the gauntlet, right, Lance?

You sound like a winner to me. You know there's a fine line between winners and losers. Some famous person said that winners do what losers are not willing to do.

I think some of us ask for help and cry for lack of it, while hoping that no one can actually reach us where where we most need to be reached. Looking at ourselves is the hardest thing, and yet the most critical thing. Someone said, it's not so bad if you lie to me, just don't lie to yourself.

Here's to one more day, Lance, my brother, over by the edge of the earth somewhere, where "There be dragons." Here's to one more day . . . . beyond our view of land.

AddictGuy

Sorry for the typos. It's hard to proofread in that little box. And besides, here's a shout out to fromadistance