suicideseason

hi. im mat. i was sober for 2 weeks. had to start over again today.Got drunk about a month ago, got in a stupid fight my girl attacked me basically im ordered out of my place of living , if i go back its a felony. goto court february second. I have a lawyer. i am expecting my son to be born valentines day. i have my daughter shes 13 or 14 months now. ive been homeless for about 31 days today.

What made me drink again, was i went to church yesterday. I didnt see her but i herd my daughter say "dadadadada" and i know that girl from 5 miles away. I just want to hug her and i cant. All i can do is wait. and wait. and try to stay warm. I find it bizare i cant afford to eat but i managed to afford to get messed up yesterday. I want to see my son inside my girls belly. or whoever she is to me now, since she dont want me.

I went to a.a. today. will probably go tomorrow.

Im orginally from colorado moved out here to utah to work on my family. Im a drug addic alcoholic. Im a cutter also. i havent done that in about 6 months.

I work full time i give them most of my money so that way their not on the street like me. Im getting tired, i want to meet my son when hes born. Half of me just doesnt want to live anymore. Im losing intrest in having conversations with people just because i talk, and most people dont... acknowledge me. I feel like a ghost.

I dont know what tomorrow holds. i want to be sober for my daughter and son, and my ex. and me.

I have a viewing tomorrow for an apartment, i hope i get it. I have a 5 thousand dollar lawyer for my legal issues which arose from all that happened to get me kicked out of my house.

thanks for reading.

Jsbodhi

Aw! Hug!!
Welcome
Xoxo

sleepie

Hi, welcome to SR... I am sorry you are having such hardships. You will find plenty of support here. I was briefly homeless and believe me I understand how easy it is to just eff it and drink when you need the relief. But it will pay to keep your head on straight especially if you are homeless because it is only gonna get worse in a hurry if you drink. You have to stay strong, I'm sorry- I know it's hard.

Dee74

I hope you get the apartment too Mat.

If you're feeling suicidal I hope you at least read through this link - there's some crisis numbers there, and some useful reading...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

I want to commend you on wanting to stay sober. It's first step to building up your life again.

You'll find a lot of support here

strategery

Welcome suicideseason! I am sorry to hear about what you're doing through as that has got to be extremely difficult. I hope you get the apartment tomorrow.

suicideseason

im familliar with the suicide links. Ive frequented them over the last 6 or 7 years.

i just dont want be percieved as feeling sorry for myself.. so i havent followed through with hurting myself.

thanks. theres 2 ppl intrested in the apartment and Im not from around here so expect the worse and keep your fingers crossed.

Mikie9

Where are you posting from? I don't mean that as smart ass in any way. Just wondering if you are in a place where you are warm and fed. I hope so.

Drinking right now is just making your situation worse. Hurting yourself is not on the table if you care anything about your children. I only post, because my dad was pretty close to this stage when I was born, and he turned it around and lived a good life, I know you can too. But you have to fight.

suicideseason

I have one of the first samsung galaxy phones with a slide out keyboard, not them huge new ones. Its got half a battery. Im losing appetite i bought a wrap thing from walmart today when i was sleeping in their parking lot for lunch. its still in my car. Ive lost 17 pounds in 5 days. everything drags on. Im staying in a vacant house tonight. I can hear this lady talk in her house next door. driving me crazy i wanna freakin sleep.

Mikie9

eat man, rest, and work on tomorrow. Maybe find some help somewhere? Find a church, an AA group, anything. Salvation army?

It isn't the lady's next door problem you want to sleep in an empty house next door to her and she talks loud be kind if you can and work on tomorrow.

Just to share, I used to call this "camping"... I was homeless for awhile.

suicideseason

im going to church and a.a. im trying to get baptised before my court date hopefully wash my sins away before that day. heh.

the church wont help me til i get baptised.

asking for help, is what got me started in this situation, believe it or not. a coworker gave me a small pillow and a torn blanket a week or 2 ago it was nice. offered to pay her for them.

campings a good term. lol.
and im not sure ill ever ask for help again, it takes alot. I dont even wanna get started on help, or police.

they have aa i guess at my bank at 6pm everyday but thursdays and saturdays. Thursday and saturday their in richfield, and i was abandoned in that town i dont really want to goto that town if I can help it. Their assholes.

Mikie9

camping sucks brother, make it temporary. If I can get out of that situation ,any one can. I don't feel comfortable sharing anymore about that life I lead, but it wasn't good.
Just wishing you the best, and if I can help in anyway let me know. We have all been in similar situations, so stick close to us if you can.

suicideseason

Ill try. Thanks

Soberwolf

Welcome Mat nice to meet you

JanieJ

Welcome Mat,

I hope you can get a roof over your head soon, my friend.

Please keep us posted about how you're doing, we're all here to support you.

chicory

Hello Mat and welcome. I am glad you found us.
We will encourage you, and be there for you.

Stay strong. and remember, if you want help, and are willing to get better, things can get better. Do it for you. And for your children.

I am glad you have a job,, thats good. You can do this

there are people out there who want to help others like yourself. believe that.

take good care, and visit free kitchens, eat right, and rest when you can.
best to you,
chicory

FreeOwl

You've got a lot on your plate man, but you have a job and you're here with a desire to stay sober and you have a child and another on the way.... You have a lot to focus your gratitude on.... A great start!!

Welcome

Nofearnobeer

Hey Matt! I am sorry for what you are going through...As others have said , you are moving in the right direction...Stay sober and stay focused on whats important , things WILL come together for you...Have faith in that! Stay strong and keep looking up!

suicideseason

theres not a shelter within 45 miles. I also recieved a worki injury before all this happened on december 7th i moved a few tons of dead turkey with no help. pretty much have a hernia.

Half this town, knows my girlfriend. She probably has 10 aunts and 20 cousins around here. Since the whole incident I have kinda been outcast the help is limited.
Hurting myself seems a bit of a good idea every day i wake up.
Should probably start getting ready to look at the apartment in a hour and a half

Soberwolf

Good luck Mat

Nofearnobeer

Go git er Dun Matt!