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Old 01-18-2015, 08:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Anyone have issues with jealousy


I find myself strongly disliking people that don't understand addiction and/or haven't experienced it. People that seem to have faced no adversity in their lives and just seem to have it all. As much as I hate to admit it I can't help but get jealous sometimes knowing what myself and others close to me have been through to see normal people going about their lives thinking things about stuff they have no clue about. I should be and am(once i catch myself) happy for them that they have never experienced such hell. I guess I tend to overly victimize myself too when others have it worse so it makes me somewhat of a hypocrite, then that just makes me feel like a guilty pos. I just can't seem to break away from my first instinct being to despise these people, I see people like this on the daily and have them in my family and it just drives me almost insane sometimes. I seem to gravitate towards people like myself, not because I want to be better than them, but just because I can relate and fit in easier. I am just finding it hard liking people that are sober and have never had a drug problem.

I'm bringing this up because it is an issue I need to confront and if I refuse to like people that are different than me then it will make it harder to change myself for the better.
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Old 01-18-2015, 08:53 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Give yourself time Jim - I was pretty screwed up after all my years of smoking weed and drinking.

I was so screwed up I wasn't even aware I was screwed up until about 3 months after I quit.

There's a quote I wish I'd known back then:

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

Addiction makes you self centred and self absorbed. That's not a criticism, it's just a fact...
as addicts, we live a lot in our own head.

You'll find things get better man

D
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Old 01-18-2015, 08:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Try not to hate those that are different man, they just are. You and your friends can't understand how they can live life without a buzz, they can't understand how you and your friends can live a life with a buzz.

No one is lesser than the other. Just different wiring. The main thing is, regardless of how they live without, is do you want to live without the buzz. I know many people who don;t get messed up daily, who are no where near what would be considered normal, I am one of them.

maybe stop trying to label humans by societies "labels", and just live?
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I have gone down that road many many times, and it always leads me wanting to be back where i am today.
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Old 01-18-2015, 09:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Oh yeah I totally agree, that's why I want to work to change that. Everyday I'm sober though I find myself thinking a little more about others, being more open and happier for others. I just want to be able to reinforce that and keep it on a positive path. Thinking back to being the middle of my H binges, all i did was get angry, jealous, and overall negative. When I'd hear my old addict friends talk all it ever was, was gossip, and conspiring against each other. It's craziness, makes me wonder why we even want to do it to begin with.
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Old 01-18-2015, 09:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I've been criticized, treated badly, and judged for a large part of my life so it's hard to let go of that negative chip on my shoulder type of attitude. That's no excuse by any means, just saying it can be hard to not think everyone is against me.
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Old 01-18-2015, 09:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
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It's a process Jim - I think you're doing well

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Old 01-18-2015, 09:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hang in there jim, it does get better, and the mind becomes clearer. It really doesn't take very long to let go of the thoughts we had while using.

But it does take time, so keep posting here because we all understand the struggles of not only changing habits, but changing our mindset... especially when it comes to how we view others, and for me at least, how I viewed myself in this world.

My saving grace has been realizing that being under the influence has skewed my perceptions, and that it is ok to be confused for a bit. And most importantly that it doesn't matter. I answer to myself, no one else. If I am ok with how I live, I am ok with how others live theres.
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Old 01-18-2015, 09:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
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It sounds to me as though you're talking more about resentment than jealousy, though the two often work together. Jealousy, envy and resentment. The alcoholic trifecta.

We're most susceptible to all of these emotions when we're unhappy with our own lives and, conversely, more immune to them when we're living the life we want to live.

It takes time and effort to build a good life, but many of us here have done just that. I believe that we're all always works-in-progress, and that an unhappy life need not be the final chapter.

Other people are generally afraid of alcoholics and addicts, or at least of our addictive lifestyle. Who's to say that they can't also succumb to addiction? This is often expressed in disgust, pity or anger. Or, as you've suggested, in a false sense of security -- a defense -- that may be expressed as a conviction that they know more about addictions and being an addict than they actually do.

The more you focus on building a better life for yourself, the less others' thoughts, opinions and behaviors will adversely affect you. It works almost every time.
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Old 01-18-2015, 11:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Just looking at in what condition alcohol can bring one's life and condition it doesn't come surprising to find resentful-appearing thinking etc.
Also alcohol itself does a thing to brain chemistry that makes you think you're jealous, it may be called the av or just the chemistry but there is some mechanism that actually makes you think you have emotions that are not really yours, and that is thanks to the booze messing up the systems.

My bet is it's just the addiction trying to play on the addict's emotions to wear them down and make them use. To wreak havoc and make them confused.

Other than that, jealousy is propably normal, but I've always found the way to react to others like "they're so lucky to not have this problem, to not even dream about it..." is an altered way of reacting, where I think the addiction wants you to act with it like a victim and stay in that cesspool of "emotion" because it is just the swamp that is needed for using....
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Old 01-18-2015, 11:35 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Jimt if I may relate a personal experience,

I've had a chronic illness for the last nine years. The first couple years I had it, I kind of resented healthy people. I wanted everyone to feel sorry for me. To understand. This caused me to become very bitter and I ended up pushing people away who could have been my friends.

What I came to realize is that this the hand that I was dealt, and I had to play it. Expecting anyone else to understand was not going to help me do that. And, as Dee touched on, people have their own unique challenges they have to deal with.

I think we need to own our harships and embrace our unique challenges and welcome understanding from others, but not necessarily expect it.

And I should note: it's when I stopped expecting understanding from others that I actually started to recieve it!

You get what you give
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Old 01-18-2015, 11:39 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I think it's wonderful that you are questioning these things and working them out. Give yourself some credit for going through withdrawal and be kind to yourself. If you find your mind racing with all sorts of thoughts and emotions, remember that you don't have to take this all on at once. When I was in the early days I was hit with overwhelming emotions and people advised me to take a rain check and deal with them when I had more sober time. That advice saved me a lot of distress and triggers.
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Old 01-19-2015, 04:24 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Back to the original question of this post - Does anyone have issues with jealousy?

I'd have to answer yes to that one as I do find my self resenting and being jealous of those that can drink or do drugs recreationally and leave them behind otherwise. Looking at THEM makes me wish I could do that so I could feel the warm buzz or the euphoria of an opiate.

The problem for me is that when given the opportunity I cannot leave it behind for the next weekend or holiday. Every day all day becomes a holiday.

No matter how much I've tried I just can't.
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Old 01-19-2015, 05:05 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I definitely get like this sometimes when I hear friends complain of what seem to me to be quite small problems
It's a good thing to recognise and check yourself on I think
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Old 01-19-2015, 06:14 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I've dealt with jealousy & anger issues in the past but it's better since I quit drinking.I don't have the severe mood swings that I had when drinking.Look at it this way, if all the people you are jealous of disappeared overnight would you be happy? Or would you start looking for a new group to dislike?
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Old 01-19-2015, 06:48 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I have not struggled much with jealousy and similar feelings, I think when I have these, I most often compare myself with another "version" of myself (earlier in life), or my own fantasies and ideals... that's a weird phenomenon also

The thought I had here, reading the OP, is related to this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimt91 View Post
I seem to gravitate towards people like myself, not because I want to be better than them, but just because I can relate and fit in easier. I am just finding it hard liking people that are sober and have never had a drug problem.
Have you ever tried volunteering to help people that are old, sick, homeless, addicted, etc? If you gravitate towards people with problems, you might be able to connect with them perhaps in ways others who never had significant challenges will not. Do this sober for a while. It might give you a sense of improvement in yourself doing this kind of work, and maybe an increase of self-worth also (I really think that often the root of jealousy is personal insecurities and self-esteem issues). Could also do some of this in AA or here on SR.

Other than this, I would echo what others said above. We usually feel small and frustrated in the company of others we perceive living a better life than our own because we are not satisfied with ours and don't have a perspective. So that's the area to work on. Much less likely to compare ourselves negatively with other people when we are aligned with our values and the lifestyle we envision. It's not easy to create that from a point when our life is full of trouble, losses, and lack of freedom, but we can get there slowly and methodically working on it. Don't beat up yourself for progress not being fast... I think it rarely is especially in the beginning, after getting sober from years of alcohol abuse.

Do give a thought to the activities I suggested above.
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Old 01-19-2015, 09:03 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I don't think anyone makes it through life unscathed, but some people are better about keeping it to themselves than are others. Someone else's success is not your failure. We never really know what goes on inside another person's home. I've been shoked to learn of some of the devastating realities people I've known have lived with, when everything looked really good from the outside. Appearances are deceptive, and I think it's pretty rare that the person who appears to have it all actually does.
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Old 01-19-2015, 09:19 AM   #17 (permalink)
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That was an excellent point, Adnamaeel! And a good reason why it's better not to compare ourselves to others, or what we are able to see from others. Also, there are many people who intentionally like to show a contrived image to the external world, even their closest friends and relatives, and sometimes driven by an underlying motive to make others jealous, envious, or just to gain admiration ... may not be the best reference because these attitudes usually come from personal insecurities deep down... so who is better or worse, really?
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Old 01-19-2015, 02:04 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Thank you all for the awesome replies. This doesn't make a huge difference, but I don't drink although I have alcoholic tendencies when I have, my problem is with the opiates and marijuana.

I totally agree with volunteer work being a good idea, I have thought about starting this up once I feel a little better. I've also been trying to get involved with more activities to keep me busy, I just started MMA and have been lifting weights for awhile and those things really make me feel good and an overall friendlier person.

My problem with jealousy/envy tends to be towards those close to me. The ones that I know the lives of pretty well. I am pretty understanding with people that I don't know well/strangers. I know it isn't right and I don't like it, I just have the urge to dislike these people close to me. I also tend to like people that will fight with me rather than people that are passive and easy going. For some reason overly friendly and reasonable equates a hidden motive to me and makes me very distrusting.
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