angd1978

I just went on my first sober, first date since probably high school. I have 57 days today and don't want to screw things up. I had a great time and the person understands that I don't drink and is okay with that. I am happy that I didn't do anything stupid like end up sleeping with the person or even a first date kiss. Any thoughts are appreciated. AA says a year but I have been in and out of toxic relationships and mostly by myself for 7 years. I want to get out there and live life.

mns1

Hey if you like the person and they are supportive of you, why the heck not?

All the better in my opinion.

Good for you angd!

angd1978

Thanks! I just don't know if this person really will understand that I need my space and time to heal. I am pretty self-absorbed right now! lol

Anna

I'd say whatever feels right for you, and keep your focus on your recovery.

Soberwolf

Hi AngD its completly up to you but my advice is

I would proberly say anything between 6-12 months im not AA

The reason i think time is important is because its hard enough working on ourselves without the added pressure of what a new relationship brings

If we get into a relationship early and it doesnt go as planned the risk of relapse is seriously high

Im not saying it will or wont work out (if you choose to go ahead & date i genuinly wish you the best btw)

What im saying is i think its best to build some sober muscles first & then try dating

its your choice though & i genuinly wish you the best in any decision you make

saudades

I agree that you should do whatever you feel is right. It sounds like the person is understanding which is good. Just keep your priorities straight and make sure you will have a healthy way (ie, not drinking) to deal with any hardships that come along with relationships (including the possibility of a breakup).

mns1

This statement tells me that you understand the possibility that dating could impact your sobriety plan. That could either be for better or worse. This person sounds understanding and supportive, but of course you've only had one date. In that case, if you think you really like them, then maybe give it a couple more dates and, as these guys said, decide what is best for you.

Always keep your health priority number one.

Either way I wish you the best!

gippy1968

Tread carefully. It is very easy to let your sobriety guard down when trying to form a new relationship - especially so early in your recovery. Be honest and upfront with what is going on with you.

Be careful and good luck.

angd1978

Very good advice! He seems very interested in me and I just think he's a nice guy that may have enough background to accept me for who I am. I told him I just have to take things very slow and that I am extra cautious. I will not rush into anything, anymore... as I have done in the past, only to get burnt. I am not in AA either but I just know what my friends that go to AA have said. He will either understand that I need my space or not. I think if we were drinking last night, some unreal chemistry might have led to things that I would have regretted. i would have messed things up in a few weeks and been really upset. It feels good to have the upper hand and a clear mind for once.

Hope4Life

Every one has to make their own decisions but please guard your sobriety and your heart.

I can only relate the experience that I am going through right now. To qualify this I will say that I am in AA, I have not had a drink in 30 months and have been clean from a lifelong pot addiction for 2 years. I have been in AA 11 months.

I entered into a relationship on Christmas day, with a lady I had been friends with for about 7 months. We could not be more different as we are from completely different cultures and countries. I fell hard for her and wanted to help her in every way, can you say co-dependent! I have helped her with her Disability application, her car, her diet (she is diabetic and overweight) and I even bought her a new set of eyeglasses.

Since last wed she has refused to speak to me and communicated only through email. We are meeting today to talk and I know what is coming.... I just hope we can remain friends. I was swept off my feet by a chance at a relationship after 5 years single and I definitely was blinded to our differences. We had a great friendship before we made this mutual mistake and hopefully that can continue.

Lesson learned but my heart is really hurting over this. Thank God I have a great sponsor and another friend that I can discuss this with and learn from.

Remember that NOTHING is more important than your sobriety!

Good Luck!

PurpleKnight

Keep Sobriety your main priority and you won't go too far wrong, don't compromise for anyone!!

IOAA2

Hi.
May your self honesty guide you. Caution is the word as we think we know what is good for us, if that’s the case why are we here? AA guideline for many topics are based on many years of experience by the pros. We are not unique and can fail for the same reasons people did many years ago.
Perhaps it should be taken into account that we drank mostly for emotional reasons to escape. Relationships are a huge emotional unknown even with “normals.” And have painful moments.

BE WELL

EndGameNYC

Not a judgment or a criticism of what your life is all about, and certainly not picking on you. I have no idea how you experience your own life. But your comment speaks to why it's so important to start building a life for ourselves after we put down the drink. If that's not in place -- and this doesn't need to be completely so -- then navigating a new relationship is even more difficult than otherwise. And, really, who doesn't want to be swept off their feet?

Living a good life can be a formidable defense against making poor decisions, acting out of loneliness, and compromising our values in order to feel better...as well as protecting ourselves from self-destructive behaviors. Taking the risk to bring love and companionship into our lives is rarely a bad thing, but what comes after the initial, often crazy-making attraction, makes all the difference, to say nothing of what happens when that attraction fades.

It's been my experience that we don't stay together for the same reasons we got together in the first place, and that there is generally heavy denial attached to this reality. What happens when my lover is no longer the most interesting person in the world?

Falling in love is, to me, largely a mystery...or at least I'd like to think so. You suggested as much when you commented that the two of you were very different in so many significant ways, yet you still got together. On paper, it doesn't "make sense." But the heart holds ultimate veto power over our best thinking in such affairs.

I don't know whether or not there's a good time to start a relationship in sobriety, but I do recognize when it's not. What I also know is that there's never a bad time to protect my sobriety.

ReadyAtLast

This is so true. I am 2 years plus sober and recently started a new relationship. One night when things did not go according to plan and I felt things collapsing around me I wanted to drink. I very nearly did drink. my previous dating life had always been when drinking and if things broke down I drank. I was going to do all I knew.

I don't mean wait 2 years ( I was married until recently) however, in early sobriety when you are still finding out who and what you are and working through so many many issues the risk of relapse is so high if a new relationship doesn't work out or something goes wrong. we usually revert to old behaviours until we have had a real chance to work on ourselves and build up new behaviours.

SereneEdition

I personally needed time to heal - i simply was not in a state to attract a healthy person until a year. You'll know when you are ready, which feels different than being motivated desire, or avoiding loneliness. The later reasons tend to risk recovery.

Good luck and have a plan!

Notmyrealname

I think if you feel solid in your sobriety and reasonably mentally healthy, that's probably a good time. If you are whiteknuckling or relapsing monthly or climbing the walls and freaking out, that's probably not a good time to inflict yourself on others.

Aellyce

My view and experience about this, and what I would suggest to anyone: don't approach meeting new people with the idea that it's dating, initially. Just get to know them as friends, interact as much as you want, do things with them. Much easier and safer to figure out whether it's a good combination that way, and also how you both react to the situation emotionally. I also believe in this kind of starting relationships in general: no need to put a label on it at start, or have/create expectations -- see where everything goes naturally. Of course we all tend to fantasize about many things, and I think that's OK, no need to act on it unless we are quite confident it's a good move. So in other words: take it slowly with an open mind. If the other person is inpatient and is trying to push anything, it's probably not a good partner anyway. I think it's also more exciting if we don't rush these encounters

bunnezjp

When you're ready.

Bunnez

itstheone

I can stress enough the importance of being honest and up front. No MATTER how emarassing shameful etc. At least it was my case...

Its so hard hiding from a possible romance you in itself become the lie trying to hide things...I wish it were easier to find like kind people outside AA but honesty will win anyone....there is no timeframe for love as everyone walks in our lives for reason and to let that pass by because you have some 6-12 default cooling off period is non sensical.....who said!

keithj

AA says 'we don't wish to be the arbiters of anyone's sex life'. Numerous people in the rooms of AA have found it beneficial to get oneself very very solid in recovery and the 12 Steps before getting romantically involved.