Jkm1987

I Have been alcohol free for 16 days (yay!) as of today. I've pretty much kept my sobriety and life changes to myself except for telling two of my closest friends.

I got into a spat with my mom today over nothing of significance. But she threw my drinking in my face. This is the second time she's done this. She's never tried to talk to me about it in a concerned manner or talked about helping me in any way. She's only ever used it to try and hurt me. And it works. My SO thinks I need to just cut her off for the time being and focus on myself and getting well. Have any of you guys experienced this?

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm looking for as far as responses. Just needed to vent. Parents sure suck sometimes.

Anna

Yes, and yes.

I knew I had to detach from my mother or my recovery would be in jeopardy and I didn't even live in the same city she lived in. However, she had always been able to push all my buttons. So, I detached and it worked beautifully and I was so happy with how I felt about things that I continued to remain detached. Not all parents are good for us and that's nothing negative about us, but about them.

hopeful4

Do you think it would help to sit her down and talk to her and explain what you are doing and why, and that you could really use her positive support??

You may give it a try! If that is not possible, I would avoid her as much as possible. Your sobriety needs to be #1. Congrats on your 16 days, that is super!

Jupiters

if she's using it to hurt you, without any real genuine concern...I would give some thought to distancing yourself in the early days. We are already fragile enough, having someone (let alone a parent) use it as ammunition in an argument, really isn't going to help.

tommyinphilly

Do whatever you have to do in order to stay sober. If you really think that talking to her will fix the situation, great. If you think it will just give her more ammo to use against you, leave her be for a bit. Congrats on getting past 2 weeks. That's amazing

Dee74

If it's really upsetting you, I think detaching is probably the right move for now.

Hopefully, in time, once your mother sees this is real change, she'll respond differently to it & to you, jkm.

Spacegoat

Yes yes & yes. My father always done this, and about my cannabis use (even though he smoked a joint with me and then denied it, who does he think he is Bill Clinton?) No rhyme or reason to it, or nothing constructive...

My mother on the other hand…

Much worse scene. She owes me a load of money and since that came about she has been doing everything to keep me away from the family home. Which doesn't belong to her at all, and there is a court order for my kid to go there.

I was in hospital recovering from a mickey-mouse suicide attempt (took an OD of tablets, I think it was a cry for help, I definitely wouldn't do it again). And the doctors said I needed some support. They asked me to ask my mother if I could move home for a while, anyway on the phone she just basically ignore the situation and went off on a tangent how I should really stay at my apartment and I could lose it if I wasn't there all this crap. The doctor was irate and took the phone off me and told her that I have been through a hard time and needed some support - she said no prob to him.

Then I went there man and it was a gas-lighting scene, she was stealing from my wallet and I also think from atm, she was actively turning my family against me that 'I was creating an atmosphere in the house by being in my room all the time' (I lay in bed for 3 months aware of all this it was very depressing, nightmarish and the worst hell I've been through).

Eventually I snapped and went back on the drink/ looking for drugs. She was getting a script from the doctor for valium which was for me, no problem there very happy to do that much. I could go on but it was a terrible nightmare. Eventually one night, I had been drinking downtown, came home, the evil bitch was sidled up to me "now don't be telling anyone downtown about our problems" all this… I just saw red and broke a f'n vase (that I had bought) and shouted 'TELL ME WHERE IS MY F'N MONEY GONE. Bingo, perfect excuse for her to call the cops. I found out what she believes in anyway finally - other peoples money! And she would be willing to kill for that I would say, she was willing to let me die in the gutter anyway. And now her gaslighting is affecting the next generation. man I near damn lost my mind already over this situation.

Dude, i can relate. Sorry for the long post, now I need to meditate. Peace

angd1978

I have been "No Contact" what so ever with my mother since the day I got sober. She is definitely a major trigger for me, as she doesn't respect anyone's boundaries and constantly harps on everyone's faults. I can't have that negativity in my life anymore. I just had to get through being sober and not talking to her on Thanksgiving, CHristmas, New Years and my birthday. It was hard at first, but has been the best thing that I have ever done. I am starting to see a shred of self-confidence come back after all these years. I am not sure if I will ever talk to her, but I do know for now at almost 2 months it is not an option. Some people are just toxic and want to see you fail to make themselves look better. You have to take care of you!

Soberwolf

Yes a bit of distance would be good while your recovering and hopefully in time your mum will see things diffrently and as D said respond better

Well done Jkm on 16 days