Another awesome thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1 
Well over the last few hours I've changed my perspective on things.
a) Things could be alot worse. I could be Brennan. I could be Brennan's mom, or sister. I have my health - I have friends and family and a snuggly puppy dog that care about me. I have some money in the bank. I have a good paying job. I didn't kill myself or anyone else in my drinking career (yet) and I certainly should have numerous times.
So I lost a close friend and my fiance is screwing around. Yeah - it's a crap week. But I should be grateful for the things I do have, because in reality my life is not that bad.
b) An interesting realization I've come to.... I actually don't really want to drink/use. It's not the bad times that cause me to drink/use since I've been trying to get sober - it's actually the good times.
It's when everything starts going good in my life that I start to question whether I might be able to control my drinking.
I'm actually OK being sober through this. In a wierd way, it feels good to feel SO much, even if those feelings are bad.
And for today - based on what I am feeling - I'm pretty sure I'm safe from picking up a drink or a drug. So I should be grateful for that.
Thanks all for your continued support and love.
Mrrr.
a) Things could be alot worse. I could be Brennan. I could be Brennan's mom, or sister. I have my health - I have friends and family and a snuggly puppy dog that care about me. I have some money in the bank. I have a good paying job. I didn't kill myself or anyone else in my drinking career (yet) and I certainly should have numerous times.
So I lost a close friend and my fiance is screwing around. Yeah - it's a crap week. But I should be grateful for the things I do have, because in reality my life is not that bad.
b) An interesting realization I've come to.... I actually don't really want to drink/use. It's not the bad times that cause me to drink/use since I've been trying to get sober - it's actually the good times.
It's when everything starts going good in my life that I start to question whether I might be able to control my drinking.
I'm actually OK being sober through this. In a wierd way, it feels good to feel SO much, even if those feelings are bad.
And for today - based on what I am feeling - I'm pretty sure I'm safe from picking up a drink or a drug. So I should be grateful for that.
Thanks all for your continued support and love.
Mrrr.
stay strong.
This was such a great post to read/hear.
*BEAR HUGS*
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Mrrryah1.
After a coupla decades of working with couples, and with my own extensive life experiences (not to mention numerous instances published on SR), it seems that most people are resigned to staying in destructive relationships with the faint hope that "things will work out on their own," that it was "just a phase," that "I won't find anyone better," that "He's my soul mate," that "I'm too old to find someone else," that "He's the last chance I have to be happy" or, much worse, that "I must be doing something wrong/there must be something wrong with me." That last option is precisely what the cheating/addicted/abusive partner is trying to achieve. Another favorite of mine is "He's a really good person, deep down inside." If you need to dig that deeply to find some semblance of a good person, then you've wasted your time and energy. Prepare to keep on digging as time goes on.
If the person survives the abusive partner, they eventually come to a point at which they realize that they've made a huge mistake, often years into the relationship. This is no way to live. I wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't respect anyone who would allow me to do such a thing.
Alas, all my training, experience, and my good counsel often fall on deaf ears. What often happens in couples therapy is that, when one of the people in the relationship begins to realize that the relationship is a destructive one, they find reasons (rationalizations) to discontinue the therapy. It's usually the abusive/neglectful/unfaithful partner who initiates this process, often in insidious ways, though it's just as often the "injured" partner who seeks to flee the sharp light of assessing the status of the relationship. I never get over the heartbreak of this particular outcome, knowing all the pain and suffering that's in store for them. Without a great deal of help, there simply does not exist a good prognosis for a relationship in which betrayal or other kinds of abuse are an issue, no matter how many individual cases there are to the contrary.
Over time, we tend to take our relationships for granted, very much at our own peril. I'm interested in not only making relationships work, but to have them flourish. A recent, quick survey among colleagues and friends (N=12) told me that most of them consider their marriages to be something along the lines of living with a roommate (and that this has been going on for years), with some actually using those words. Two are in couples therapy -- one of whom told me that his relationship has been better than at any time during their twenty five years of marriage. Five reported infidelity (three men and two women), and I'm aware that two other man have had affairs, and I'm pretty sure another woman has as well.
Time is more precious to me than at any other time in my life. I wouldn't waste a minute with someone who I couldn't trust. Having been on the other side of trustworthiness, I know what it's all about, and I've been around too long to tolerate it from someone else.
There are many things in life that are much worse than being alone.
I'm happy to read that you've arrived at a better place with your drinking, and I do hope that you get some peace of mind and satisfaction out of all this.
After a coupla decades of working with couples, and with my own extensive life experiences (not to mention numerous instances published on SR), it seems that most people are resigned to staying in destructive relationships with the faint hope that "things will work out on their own," that it was "just a phase," that "I won't find anyone better," that "He's my soul mate," that "I'm too old to find someone else," that "He's the last chance I have to be happy" or, much worse, that "I must be doing something wrong/there must be something wrong with me." That last option is precisely what the cheating/addicted/abusive partner is trying to achieve. Another favorite of mine is "He's a really good person, deep down inside." If you need to dig that deeply to find some semblance of a good person, then you've wasted your time and energy. Prepare to keep on digging as time goes on.
If the person survives the abusive partner, they eventually come to a point at which they realize that they've made a huge mistake, often years into the relationship. This is no way to live. I wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't respect anyone who would allow me to do such a thing.
Alas, all my training, experience, and my good counsel often fall on deaf ears. What often happens in couples therapy is that, when one of the people in the relationship begins to realize that the relationship is a destructive one, they find reasons (rationalizations) to discontinue the therapy. It's usually the abusive/neglectful/unfaithful partner who initiates this process, often in insidious ways, though it's just as often the "injured" partner who seeks to flee the sharp light of assessing the status of the relationship. I never get over the heartbreak of this particular outcome, knowing all the pain and suffering that's in store for them. Without a great deal of help, there simply does not exist a good prognosis for a relationship in which betrayal or other kinds of abuse are an issue, no matter how many individual cases there are to the contrary.
Over time, we tend to take our relationships for granted, very much at our own peril. I'm interested in not only making relationships work, but to have them flourish. A recent, quick survey among colleagues and friends (N=12) told me that most of them consider their marriages to be something along the lines of living with a roommate (and that this has been going on for years), with some actually using those words. Two are in couples therapy -- one of whom told me that his relationship has been better than at any time during their twenty five years of marriage. Five reported infidelity (three men and two women), and I'm aware that two other man have had affairs, and I'm pretty sure another woman has as well.
Time is more precious to me than at any other time in my life. I wouldn't waste a minute with someone who I couldn't trust. Having been on the other side of trustworthiness, I know what it's all about, and I've been around too long to tolerate it from someone else.
There are many things in life that are much worse than being alone.
I'm happy to read that you've arrived at a better place with your drinking, and I do hope that you get some peace of mind and satisfaction out of all this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 498
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1
I was on my fiance's ipad last night and found messages where he was sending pictures of himself/inquiring about other women....
To add to my emotional distress of this week so far.
Now I have to think about whether this I need to break off my engagement and leave my relationship too? Seriously?
I thought god only gave us as much as we could handle......... I think he might have the wrong person, because I'm about to cave here.
Ugh.
To add to my emotional distress of this week so far.
Now I have to think about whether this I need to break off my engagement and leave my relationship too? Seriously?
I thought god only gave us as much as we could handle......... I think he might have the wrong person, because I'm about to cave here.
Ugh.
Best of luck on this.
I will NOT drink to that!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Baltimore MD USA
Posts: 634
Mrrryah,
Sending you hugs. If you want, you can PM me too if you need support. I have no problems with keeping in contact with you off-boards if you need more private support.
Your last post of reflection is very good & so is your self awareness. Hang in there....
Sending you hugs. If you want, you can PM me too if you need support. I have no problems with keeping in contact with you off-boards if you need more private support.
Your last post of reflection is very good & so is your self awareness. Hang in there....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Mrrryah, I'm not the best person to discuss cheating issues, but a suggestion I can come up with is that you wait a little. You said you are engaged... so hold on to that for a while if you don't want to break up with him, see where it all goes with a little "incubation". You are newly sober and your feelings and perspective are likely to change at least a bit. And I imagine you also seem somewhat "new" to him in this state. So perhaps get to know each-other better once again, before making more serious commitments, or before breaking it?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Myrrah,
Whatever the case may be, don't turn to alcohol/drugs at this time of uncertainty. You've been working really hard on your sobriety. Good for you!
To be honest, I have to ask whether there is a voice telling you, as it has in the past, that this might not be the right relationship for you. Some time back, you posted this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. Hang in there. Stay strong.
Whatever the case may be, don't turn to alcohol/drugs at this time of uncertainty. You've been working really hard on your sobriety. Good for you!
To be honest, I have to ask whether there is a voice telling you, as it has in the past, that this might not be the right relationship for you. Some time back, you posted this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. Hang in there. Stay strong.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
