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Old 01-13-2015, 06:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Sometimes it stresses me out to be here.


So I gave in and drank. Why? I don't know really. Was mad. Upset. Angry for no reason that I can put my finger on. Maybe PMS. Who knows?

Anyhow, drinking tonight, don't like it, but it is what it is.

I think I would go farther if I had more hope and I am not sure if I do. Besides feeling better physically from not drinking (and I am not a person who drinks everyday), I don't know what there is to hope for. I was sober for 7 years and while I never felt like cr*p from being drunk, I can't honestly tell any of you that life, "got better."

Because it isn't true. Life was life whether drunk or sober. And so be it.

And does being drunk help? I don't know, sometimes, maybe yes, maybe no.

It would be nice to have someone to talk to. I would love to have a woman friend, but I don't. Seems like the women get married, have kids (not me) and are too busy to hang out with me. I have two friends where I live, both drunks, but it isn't because they are drunk that I hang around them, I would love to have a woman friend, drunk or sober, but they aren't here. So what to do about any of it? I don't know.

When I was sober years ago I was scared and paranoid and that is what made me quit drinking. And sure, yes, life was better than waking up with a hangover everyday, but did I get alot of friends or people to trust out of it? No. I know what comes with getting sober and what came, in all truthfulness, wasn't all that much different.

I ignored my parents because I blamed my drinking on them. And was it partly their fault? Sure, my Dad was a drunk for many years. But what I got in return (the BF), wasn't any better, just different.

I find this site stressful sometimes in the fact that everyone says you have to keep in communication with everyone on the site to get sober. Sometimes I don't have time. Sometimes it is more of a bad thing, than a good one.

What I DO KNOW, is that regardless, it is ME who DECIDES to quit drinking and nothing anyone here, in AA, my mother, or anyone else can keep me from it. It is still up to me.

So use this site as "help" .... ehhhhh, maybe. If I want to drink ...I do ... if I don't want to, I don't. What else is there?
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Old 01-13-2015, 06:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Cecilia44 View Post
I find this site stressful sometimes in the fact that everyone says you have to keep in communication with everyone on the site to get sober. Sometimes I don't have time. Sometimes it is more of a bad thing, than a good one.
It's as good as you want to make it be. You most certainly don't have to hang here 24/7 to make it help.
I personally find that a scary and very unrealistic way to live life - staying attached to a recovery board all the time. What I do see helps many people, in the beginning, is to be here and post as much as needed in the beginning. Hopefully, at the same time, a person also finds outside sources of help and support.

Then, in best case scenario, that person continues to come on occasionally, to tell others about their new sober life and what might help Newcomers.

I'm a person who came here looking for support and insight/understanding and a few shoulders for dealing with opiates and pain.

Am now well over a year free of opiates. I don't post often nor interact much. Yet I read, and I "Like" and I love seeing the names of people I've known for years...or days.

Hey, it helps.

I had more to say about the other stuff but will have to wait till tomorrow.

Cheers!
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Old 01-13-2015, 06:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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None of us here can stop you from drinking, that's true.

I use the people here on SR as inspiration. I also am active on the Gratitude threads. There is evidence that keeping a gratitude journal leads to positive change.

I hope you decide to pour out the rest.

All I can say is that my life has gotten better since I quit. I won't go back to drinking because of what it did to my cognition, emotions, body, relationships, and my ambition and discipline to write.

There must be reasons why you quit drinking before. There must be benefits that you're choosing to ignore now.
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Old 01-13-2015, 06:44 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Cecilia,

You don't have to do anything that you feel isn't helping you. Everyone has there own way they approach this.

But I feel compelled to ask you why, if life is life whether drunk or sober, did you decide to get sober in the first place? And what kept you sober for 7 years? Because it doesn't add up.

I hope you find motivation again
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Old 01-13-2015, 06:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Cecilia44 View Post
I was sober for 7 years and while I never felt like cr*p from being drunk, I can't honestly tell any of you that life, "got better."
OK. But did life get worse? Probably not. If you had continued to drink for those 7 years, it probably would have. That's something, I guess.

Maybe if you get sober again, you can start exploring some new frontiers? Some of us have really enjoyed using our sobriety to change our lifestyles completely. Just a thought.
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Old 01-13-2015, 06:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Cecilia - I'm glad you're still here

I know for myself I got out of my recovery what I put into it.

Time and again I put other things and other people ahead of my recovery...and I drank again.

I really needed to make time for my recovery.

I also had to accept that drinking wasn't a viable option if I wanted things to be different.

Alcohol is not an agent of change for drinkers like us - it's an acquiescence, an appeasement to the status quo. It doesn't create, it ossifies...

I also needed a little faith - faith that if I stayed sober I'd be able to find all those things I wanted to find - that better life, those better friends, that elusive love, that better me.

I should be clear tho - just being sober didn't get me all that - it just gave me a solid base to work from

It did happen - but not overnight. Sometime it was a real waiting game.

SR gave me a lot of comfort in that waiting period. Don't underestimate the value of that
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Old 01-13-2015, 06:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Cecilia.

Sorry that you are drinking now. Like Lethe said, recovery is as good as you make it. Our lives are our creations and we are free to change things in it that are not working well or which we don't like. Sometimes it takes a lot of work, but possible. It's tough to have loved ones with addiction problems, but many people deal with it successfully; I don't think it's a good approach to blame our drinking on anyone because that way we avoid dealing with our problems.

As for SR, I think the best is to use it in any way that we find helpful. I've been posting pretty regularly and consistently since I got sober, because it helps me and because I like to interact. Many people prefer to mostly read the posts. You can also choose to interact with a select few also if that's better for you. In other words, SR, like life, is what you make of it...

I hope you will find your way
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Old 01-13-2015, 07:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi, Celia:
A lot of wisdom in this thread. I agree that when it comes down to it, it is up to us if we drink or don't drink. We have to make a conscious choice on a daily basis. Some days that choice is easy. Other days it is unbelievably difficult.

For me, this site has been vital to my recovery, in part because, frankly, what I thought I knew about my binge drinking and what I was doing to try to mitigate it just wasn't working. I needed to learn from the wisdom and experience of others and have folks I could check in with to check myself. But everyone is different. One interesting precept I've heard about recovery is that in the early days if it feels a bit weird or discombobulating, that might be a sign that it is what we actually need to do. That is, as drinkers, our sense of what is the right thing to do--what feels "natural"--is probably our AV talking.
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Old 01-13-2015, 08:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quitting alcohol didn't make much of a difference for me either, except then I started to work on all the "other stuff". And wow, was there a lot of that. Stuffed feelings, hidden resentments, anger, anxiety, a very outspoken inner critic, lol.. it opened up a whole can o' worms, lol. Once I tackled all of that my entire life changed.
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Old 01-13-2015, 08:47 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Advbike, that is a great point. I thought that when I quit drinking that would be the end, but it was really only the beginning. Sobriety was what enabled me to see all the other things that were going on in my life (or not going on) that I dimmed with alcohol.
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Old 01-13-2015, 09:02 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Advbike and matilda are onto something important here. Not drinking is just a first step that opens the door to sobriety. The real change comes from the work you do after that.
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Old 01-13-2015, 09:13 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I guess what's different for me this time around is that I don't look at alcohol as something I had to give up, or even a neutral substance that was just part of my life. I used to say that I was living life on my terms; even though I drank a lot, it was my choice, dammit, and it was what it was.

But it wasn't my choice, and alcohol was yanking the leash. It decided what friends I'd see (usually none), what plans I'd make (usually few, since I'd cancel so many), and where or when I could drive. Life hasn't been rainbows these last 4 months, and I know myself well enough to realize I'll never be a natural optimist or feel there are rosier days to come. It is, however, truly my life now.

Cecilia, I hear you; I don't have lots of friends or people to talk to either. SR is great to keep in virtual touch with how folks are doing in the sobriety realm, and there are tons of venues for the other interests you have now or could develop. I've gone through a couple discs of Rosetta Stone French lessons - I have a Midwestern accent (think "Fargo") and sound like an idiot, but it's fun. I've also dropped some potential hobbies that never worked out (RIP sewing, I hardly knew ye). It's not just killing time or that I see it as a gateway to wonderful things. I'm just treating myself to having fun after so many years of actively disliking my thoughts and feelings. I hope you're patient with yourself. Alcohol isn't a necessary part of anyone's life, and if you can take it or leave it then PLEASE leave it.

Sorry this is so long, but this post resounded with me. I'll be sending good thoughts your way.

Drew
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Old 01-13-2015, 09:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Currently starting day 17 as of the stroke of midnight. Having some previous experience with extended sobriety, I know for a fact that life isn't all sugar plums, lollipops, unicorns and rainbows just because I decided to get sober. Life is going on with or without you, drunk or sober, dead or alive.

Without going into great detail, I might be out of work soon due to a situation out of my control. This is a career that I started at 20, have dedicated the past 9 1/2 years to, and received all training and experience on the job. Basically, I'll be starting over at 30 without any marketable skills. I believe that's referred to as "having your ass to the wind."

I won't go into the notion of hitting high or low bottoms, as I feel that one's own personal bottom is a matter of context and unique to the individual. I can say that being sober while dealing with life on life's terms provides me with two things- hope and optimism. For someone who drank the way I did, those are two feelings I welcome with open arms. Best of luck to you.
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Old 01-13-2015, 09:30 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I've got to say - I really love & value this community. I just read all of the responses above - some from people who "I know" because they post a lot, a few more rare posters. And all of the postings above are thoughtful, true and realistic experiences of sobriety. Eloquent. Moving to me...
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Old 01-13-2015, 09:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Seven years is a long time to have been sober! I am in my third year of consecutive sobriety and sometimes feel the way you do...I am involved with my church, go to AA and do volunteer work. Still somehow I am not making strong personal connections or feeling spiritually where I should be...yet. BTW...I also am not married and do not have kids. My close friends are few and I do not see them often. (one of them is an active drunk as well).

Still for me, drinking just is not an option. Recently I decided that I just have to go deeper than I have been. For me this means trying and exploring even more things that are out of my comfort zone until I hit on something that brings me out. It is very easy for me to get in my head and stay there...

I'm not sure what activities you are involved or what your work entails, but I would suggest looking into some type of activity that will get you out of yourself and your normal comfort range. And if you're able to afford/find counseling, that would give you someone to talk to. AA meetings might also help you find just someone to talk to, if nothing else. Please don't give up on sobriety.
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Old 01-13-2015, 10:51 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Please keep talking on here, you can do this if you really want to! Big hugs!
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Old 01-14-2015, 04:38 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Cecilia, reading your post, I am sensing some depression issues. You speak of not having hope. Are you seeing anyone for depression? Anxiety is part of my equation and I had to work on that as well as staying sober. Maybe depression is part of yours?

I hope you stick around. And I really hope you can figure out the other things you need to work on to find the life you want.
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Old 01-14-2015, 04:43 AM   #18 (permalink)
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How are you doing today Cecilia?

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Old 01-14-2015, 04:58 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Quitting alcohol didn't make much of a difference for me either, except then I started to work on all the "other stuff". And wow, was there a lot of that. Stuffed feelings, hidden resentments, anger, anxiety, a very outspoken inner critic, lol.. it opened up a whole can o' worms, lol. Once I tackled all of that my entire life changed.

HI.
This is the foundation of HOW IT WORKS in AA for close to 80 years and has been instrumental in millions staying sober.

It works if we work it.

BE WELL
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Old 01-14-2015, 05:18 AM   #20 (permalink)
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I don't know what there is to hope for. I was sober for 7 years and while I never felt like cr*p from being drunk, I can't honestly tell any of you that life, "got better."
Because it isn't true. Life was life whether drunk or sober. And so be it.
Hi Cecilia,
I experienced this too. I thought if i quit drinking, that being sober would be a new high. I imagined i'd be healthy and clear headed and a spunky 15 year old with endless energy.

But now i'm back to the same person who wanted to escape from being the person i was when i chose to drink. And after all these years of drinking, i still have the same old fears. Drinking didn't change me. It just provided a temporary escape for a few hours, when it worked. Often the escape wouldn't occur and i'd be just as depressed.

You asked if " 'life' got better". Do you mean global life, or your individual life? I know my body couldn't take being sick all the time, the aftermath of being drunk. And if life is so painful that you feel it's just as good being sick as not, then maybe you're experiencing depression. Alcohol isn't the solution for life's miseries, and yes, there are many that we experience even when we're sober.
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