doggonecarl

Sorry that you continue to struggle. Not much has changed since you first came to SR. This, from your first post:

If nothing has changed since Sept. then nothing is changing in how you address your alcoholism. I hope you can pull yourself out of your despair and figure out what will work to address your problem.

Good luck.

Cecilia44

I was trying to change, I guess, in responding to carl, I WAS. I was meditating for stress, posting on the gratitude threads twice a day, etc. But the other day I was just angry and I didn't even know why. Too much to do I think and it was just overwhelming me.

Life "gets in the way" of my recovery sometimes. I know you should put recovery first, but I have other things to do. I run a home-based Web business, besides having another part-time job as well. I can't just cancel my appt. with a client because I am "too stressed" today. Can I? That wouldn't look too professional.

And yes everyone, I quit years ago because I was scared of my drinking. I was drinking every day back then and my hands were starting to shake, etc. and it scared the cr*p out of me ... so I quit. Other than that, it was really my only motivation. I realized I was an alcoholic then and I know that now, but I rarely drink every day, all week long, like I did back then.

I do LIKE being sober, but after a while, I guess I expect more changes to happen or something and the days start adding up and life just becomes life (the pink cloud doesn't last very long for me I guess) and I don't know. I want a change sometimes so I drink. Or something sets me off so I have a good excuse. Then I am really GRATEFUL to be sober for a few days ... and then repeat the cycle again.

Maybe I am not grateful for life enough. I don't know.

I don't want to stop trying ... I DO want to get and stay sober, and sometimes I forget the "new tools" I am trying to use to do that (meditation, etc.), sometimes I don't have TIME to post here, even on the gratitude threads because I have work to do. So then what?

Cecilia44

To be honest really, the only thing I get out of staying sober for some time is my self esteem improves. I always feel like a loser when I give in and drink, but other than that, I don't know that anything else changes that much. That and physically of course I do feel better, but if there is supposed to be something else, I don't know what that is. Maybe I should just be grateful for that, I don't know.

Wholesome

Do you exercise? It's a great way to boost your mood, relieve stress and keep motivated to stay quit.

ardy

Hi Cecilia,

mm some of what you said hits home... I love Facebook have a page from my high school mates that I am on .. but do more chatting with the guys then the ladies.. just like in school... I do have a couple of lady friends not the same as a mate... guy pals... one lady I really like being around we have such fun and she always feels better when we have chatted and had coffee and just been so silly.. her son is 21 just moved out to a flat with buddies... TJ cover your hears your to young to hear this haahahaha but M is having some reall issues and is lost to who to trust.. so I am put on a back burner for when she needs someone to just scream at.. educated well connected and has her own business.. but can not remember how to make coffee.. hahahah my pal C is not as educated married once and children son killed in a bad shooting and less then a year later her husband met the same fate.. C is strange bingo playing lady that lives with a gent that is a mate of mine ( mike and I are like two old ladies with good gossip) and they live in a mansion home.. Mike has the money and all the grand things from the 1800's love having coffee with them on Sundays and playing the wind up music boxes. . and taking Edison and wax drums and my Elegant glass collection.. but C keeps going back to when her hubby and son died.. so we chat on that a bit and try to pull her today..

Cecilia, I don't know the world today is so different from years ago. people and thought and so much is just a mess.... miss my old friends of the 1980's just lost another yesterday.. know that Ernie is at the beginning of a parade route with a bunch of silly's and they are all shouting and slapping each other on the back...

Friends are people that mean so much to you that when you need them the most like your family you just never can find them and then turn on a light and hey Gail just walked into the room from 1989......and it is so good to see her.. or Mr Roma and his cafe.. went there last night to eat laugh and kiss his cheek before I left.. for that gent has a path to take soon and we will miss him so much..

Cecilia, reach into the Darkness turn on that light and kiddo around that corner you will find someone that you have forgotten about and the laughter will start and seem like it never ended ... promise... wander thro some of these pages and find that kinderd spirits that are just around that corner ... prayers ardy..

tomsteve

"If I want to drink ...I do ... if I don't want to, I don't. What else is there?"

A lot. I can get worse to the point ya don't have a choice and end up facing many of the consequences many of us here have.

Hopefully you will get to the point real quick where ya don't want to drink more than you want to drink.

nomis

I think I can understand what you're saying, but.... if I'm completely it honest, it also sounds like there is some AV talking in your posts. The benefits soberiety can sometimes be tough to see. I mean, it's not like we suddenly win the lottery and life becomes perfect.

But it does become manageable. Or at least mine did. And the embarrassment and shame went away, I began to believe in myself, got in shape, got a good job, got my finances in order, etc..

I dunno, bad things still happen, life isn't a straight shot, but I know now, whatever happens in life, good or bad, I'll be able to handle and deal with it the very best way I'm capable of. And that gives me strength.

mns1

Cecilia, it sounds like you know that being sober is better than being drunk. And you said it yourself: You want to be sober. You feel better physically and mentally. And you should be thankful for that.

But this change that you want. Something tells me that you both want it and are terrified of it at the same time. It takes work to find friends, find a boyfriend/girlfriend, find meaning in life where it seems like all you do is work to pay your bills, eat, sleep, and repeat the cycle. And maybe that scares you. I don't know this is just what I gather from your words.

Whatever this change is that you want, don't expect it, pursue it. You can make change if you take action. But please, Cecilia, don't let that "old pal" in the back of your mind convince you that it is all you need to feel the sense of fulfillment you seem to be searching for.

If I may suggest a little "exercise", look in the mirror. Pretend that the person looking back is someone you've never met before. And ask yourself, if you were meeting this person for the first time, would you expect that they are someone who has given in, given up hope, and is letting something like alcohol drown their spirit? Chances are the answer will be "no". Stare until you see the beauty in yourself. It's there, and you'll know when you see it.

More power to you Cecilia

Soberpotamus

Isn't improved self-esteem enough? At least at first?

Life seemed so bleak at first when I got sober. The first year was pretty rough. Second year has had its moments too.

But things start to click, and to snowball. It's just really slow at first. You need to have some sort of "faith" that things will be better. So many people here are evidence of that.

And I think it's about what you want in life, you know? Did you ever have a passion for anything? I sure did. But I never thought I'd get it back full force. At twenty-two months, I'm getting it back! It's paying off to stay sober.

It doesn't take five minutes to post in gratitude threads, btw. It helps to read what others there post. Lets you see what others are going through. And it helps to feel a part of something.

You can do this.