whatamidoingnow

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. When we first met I didn't know he was an alcoholic. I had never known an alcoholic before. He got a DUI shortly after we became serious. I stayed with him through all his court case and he ended up serving some time in the county jail where I visited him 3 times a week and wrote to him every day to support him while he was there. It was traumatic to say the least but still I didn't realize he had a bad drinking habit. The first year we were together he couldn't drink and didn't for more than 10 months. I moved into his apartment when he was gone and took care of things. (he paid most of the rent). When he got out of jail he returned to drinking, he moved out about a month after he was out because he said he "needed to work on himself" we didn't talk for a week or so and then he wanted me back. I am in love with him so I thought we should give it another chance. We didn't have any other problems in our relationship but he would make up problems or take out all his stress on me. He isn't physically abusive. I went to alanon and learned that I shouldn't tell him not to drink that he would have to do that for himself. When he was drunk I was his best friend. He would get sober for a few days and then start a fight with me over something insignificant just to push me away. I am not sure why he does that. Every month for the last 5 months he has done the same pattern. I need help understanding why he does this. He has no other friends and now I know why. He now says he has to disregard people in his life so he can get well. From what I learned about AA they say don't get into a new relationship but what about the relationship you were in before? Also I am not a drinker. I still love him but I can not continue to go through the heartache every month. I was reading online and found this website and thought maybe it would be helpful to me to understand the dynamics of an alcoholic. I really don't want to leave him forever but I don't know what to do. I don't consider myself a co-dependent person because I can get along without him. I don't enable him either and e everything I have read states that someone that is involved with an alcoholic person is co-dependent which I am not. Any help or suggestions are welcome. I should also add that we are not young we are both in our late 40's. Thank you.:

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, whatamidoingnow. I am sorry for what brings you here.

feeling-good

I am equally sorry and just wanted to comment that I deeply wish my estranged husband had the commitment to helping that you seem to have. However, I am talking from a recovering alcoholic's viewpoint. I don't know what or what does not constitute co-dependency, but I absolutely wish you and your boyfriend the best possible outcome

IOAA2

Hi.

I’m sorry for your situation.
I strongly suggest many more Al Anon meetings along with having a guide called a sponsor which works when she is used.

Also, on this site is a group called Friends and Families which offers a gold mine of help for the willing.

In my experience of observing alcoholic relationships, they are tough. “Normal” relationships are tough to begin without adding alcohol to the pot.

BE WELL

whatamidoingnow

Thank you for your kind words. I just wish my boyfriend would appreciate our relationship instead of trying to sabotage it all the time. It's like he doesn't want to be happy.

whatamidoingnow

I do not know my way around this website how do I get to the friends and family?

Anna

I hope that your boyfriend decides to seek support for himself. You might find support in AlAnon for yourself, as well as our Friends & Families forum on this board.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

Soberwolf

Welcome Whatamidoingnow heres the link Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Nice to meet you youl find a ton of support here

http://www.al-anon.org/how-can-i-hel...-quit-drinking

http://www.al-anon.org/how-to-find-a-meeting

terribob

I can attest to the fact that as destructive as I am as a drunk, never is it worse than shortly after I STOP drinking. There's a chemical change in the brain when you stop drinking combined with some serious cravings. Alcoholism is a nasty disease that's pretty stubborn and subject to relapse. If he's only drying out a few days at a time, you can expect this behavior to continue. Hope it gets better and I could give you some insight.

whatamidoingnow

Thank you. Does it ever go away? Will it get better. I guess I am tired of the empty promises. We never fight about his drinking I have been really understanding since I met him and try to help any way I can, I just guess I am doing the wrong thing. Yes he drinks then this always happens when he stops for 4 or 5 days. It's always the same thing, he says he loves me but now I don't know anymore. I haven't texted or called him since Friday and I don't plan on talking to him, my thought is if he really wants to be with me he will make the first move now since I am the one that always comes running to him. Am I doing the right thing? I really need direction since I am really confused about this whole thing.

Soberween

Sometimes an alcoholics self esteem is so far in the toilet that they see those who love them as flawed human beings. Along the lines of "gosh, I'm so effed up, any other person that could possibly love me must be an undesirable effed up person themselves." This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. You sound like you are holding your own really well. Sorry you are having to endure this. It's really painful, I am sure.

whatamidoingnow

It is very painful to me, I feel deflated and that's just not me. Everytime we get back together I think it will be different but it goes back to the same thing. I try to build up his self-esteem and encourage him to do things. Believe it or not we get a long really well during the other times, it's just the 5th day of sobriety he starts a fight over nothing at all. We could be sitting watching a movie and the next thing I know he is telling me to leave his house because I disagreed with something and he doesn't like it even though he knows usually what I disagree with is true and it isn't even a relationship issue. Now he says he wants to concentrate on himself and his relationship with his two kids, one is 12 and the other 21, he has made no move during this week I have left him alone towards making anything up with the 21 year old. At least through all this the 21 year old has stayed in my life. He tells me it's always a roller coaster with his dad and I am the only one that has stuck by him through more than anyone else has. I just love him, he is a great guy except for this part of him, but I am tired to say the least. Am I right to just keep ignoring him or should I make a move to talk to him?