Jillian2563

So I had a plan yesterday and I totally failed. 5 mins before I was about to leave work, my husband text me with his paranoid accusations and I lost it. I had my water full to the rim in my cup and was planning on cooking as soon as I got home. BUT I am so stressed out by my husband and his freaking accusations. I said F it. I'm drinking.

He really needs help too because he is going insane. And trying to not drink when he acts like this is really hard. I don't know what to do. We had a good day all day yesterday, getting along, no arguing, then bam! He thinks I'm cheating on him and he keeps coming up with different scenarios everyday and it's driving me insane. I'm tired of all his ridiculous accusations.

How do I get through this without drinking?

doggonecarl

By realizing that there is a lot of stress involved with quitting, regardless of the situation you are in. Withdrawals amp up our anxiety, our stress levels. Our addiction tells us there is only one way to handle this, and that's to drink.

But all that really happens it that you are stuck in the cycle of drinking and never getting to the point of seeing the benefits of sobriety.

Tell me, in what ways did your situation with your husband improve after you drank? I'm guessing none, unless being oblivious is a solution.

Get back on the sober train.

Anna

Do you want to live with a man who falsely accuses you of cheating?

If so, you could try detaching from his words and accusations and focusing on yourself and your recovery.

Jupiters

sorry your hubs is making you a bit mad.
From your post though - it sounds like there is some other issues going on...trust issues?
I can tell you, trying to sort that out while drinking is not going to end well.
Is there a reason he is concocting this up? Why is he accusing you of this? That would drive me bonkers as well.

tomsteve

ya said f it im getting drunk.
im guessin that has been a response to situations like this for some time that it seems normal. only it isn't.
something that baffled me was seeing that even after getting drunk over something, that something was STILL there.
thinking my way into right/new actions wasn't going too work. I had to starty acting my way into right actions.
how to get through this without drinking....hmmm.. I think iit would be wise to see that even after drinking the situation is the same so alcohol didn't help( thinkin it helped at the time as it took everything away or calmed ya down temporary is only a lie).
no start thinking about solutions.
what are your options?
but first and foremost DONT DRINK!!! it wont help.

Wastinglife

I had a partner who was always accusing me of cheating. However, it came from her own insecurities and self-esteem issues rather than any real event. I was secretive and elusive at times but for a different reason: I was an alcoholic and trying to hide it.

It might help you to deal with a suspicious spouse if you knew why he was worried about infidelity. Does it stem from a mental illness? Addiction? Or simply insecurity? When I was drinking, I was a paranoid mess. Thought I was going to be fired everyday I walked into work or that creditors were following me.

There is probably an underlying reason for your husband's paranoia. He may need some help from a therapist or a professional. Don't drink over it. It will make things worse.

mns1

I agree I think you need to fire back and ask your husband what makes him think you are cheating on him.

In any case, don't let what he says drive you to drink. You know you're not cheating and that's what matters. And you'll be in a much better state of mind to handle this sober.

Good luck!

Soberwolf

Jillian i agree with Anna do you want to live with a man who accuses you of cheating ?

That isnt normal and its a red flag in my world

Have you tried coouples therapy

Jillian2563

It didn't improve. I basically ignored him and went to bed. I think I use drinking as a way to ignore problems. Maybe I could've improved the situation by talking rather than drinking.

Jillian2563

Jupiters ans wasting: it does stem from addiction. He is trying to go thru withdrawals himself from meth. He thinks he hears people in the house, thinks that when he leaves for 10 to go to store, I let people in. I am trying to schedule him an appt for addiction counselor but I know that HE has to want the help to. He keeps telling me he wants help and we will get through this, then hours later makes accusations again. I know he is not in his right mind and it's just driving me nuts. I think there are also some childhood issues.

Jillian2563

That's what I need to remember. I know I'm not doing any wrong.

Jillian2563

We've tried couples therapy a few years ago. I'm looking into some options now. Only problem is, it's hard to find a marriage counselor that also deals with addiction.

soberclover

What about you looking in to attending Al-Anon or Naranon meeting or at least looking online for some of their literature? I have learned that with each stressful situation that I come through without drinking, I am that much stronger the next time stress comes knocking at my door. I also think posting about your stress is great! Next time I suggest jumping online for support before you pick up a drink to see if that would be helpful.

Jillian2563

Thanks sober clover. I definitely should have done that instead of saying F it. I've gone to Al-anon in the past and liked it in the latter half if the meeting but not the first half. Why do they have to read the same thing everytime during the first half? I just don't like that part....

But like you said, I could go online for literature.

Is AA and naranon the same way at the meeting where they read the first half thru the meeting?

Ruby2

When you first posted about paranoid accusations of cheating, the thought "addiction" popped in my head. You confirmed it. I went through this with my husband. Constantly accusing me of cheating. It was paranoia. It was very hard to deal with. It's crushing. No answer will suffice to explain. He won't believe any of it. It is the nature of the beast of drugs. You did and are doing nothing wrong. Focus on you and your recovery. If he calls you and tries to start an argument, don't engage. Don't argue with or explain anything to your husband. I would listen for a bit, say 'I'm not going to discuss this' and then hang up on him. I hung up on him numerous times. He didn't know how to text back then but I would have ignored those. It takes two to argue. Walk away. I mistakenly thought that I could explain and calm his fears and vindicate myself. It didnt happen when he was still using.

Are you safe? Has he threatened you? If you don't feel safe, do you have some place to go? It is so grinding to go through this. Especially when you are trying to stop drinking. You can do it despite your husband. Drinking was my go to escape but it didn't help. It only made me less able to tolerate the abuse. And it is abuse if its nonstop and random. Hang in there.

Soberwolf

Hugs Jillian

Could you not separate the 2 recovery for you Al anon for him and marrige councelling together ?

Jillian2563

Thanks Ruby for your understanding. I am safe and he had not threatened. He says stuff like he doesn't think I love him anymore and I try to explain I don't like him when he's using but love him when he's clean. And I do know my drinking affects him too. I have to be strong today. I really need to stop drinking - habits are hard to break.

Yes sober wolf, I suppose we could split up counseling and recovery for both of us. It's just a matter if me taking the time to find the right resources for us and sticking to the appointments.

Thank you everyone for the support. It definitely helps to talk to people that know what I'm going thru.

Ruby2

Hi Jillian,

I wanted to check back as I originally posted from my phone, read it again, and i sounded like a lunatic. I'm glad you are safe and not threatened.

My husband is dual addictions - crack/alcohol. at his worst he was accusing me of cheating, telling me that I didn't love him anymore, and more of the same. Over and over and over again. Numerous phone calls. Badgering me. Trying to get me to argue.

Crack makes people paranoid. I'm pretty sure meth is the same way. My point is that talking to your husband at this point about his accusations will probably be as productive as talking to a wall. No amount of denial/explanation/discussion made any difference with my husband. It got insane. I was variously sleeping with his drug dealer, various men from work, the neighbor across the street. If he started, I simply said "I'm not and I don't want to have this discussion again." If it was the phone calls and texts I would either not answer or else answer and if he started in on it would tell him "I'm not going to listen to this. I'm going to hang up now" and then do it.

It was horribly painful but it is the addiction. My husband was also thinking people were in the house. Or were going to break into the house. I kept finding clubs, bats, knives stashed around the house. Doors barred with chairs pushed against them.

So, none of this is a reflection on you. In my experience, you can't engage with him. Asking why he thinks you are cheating on him will only start the whole thing off into more craziness. He will say one thing, you will give him an honest answer, he will bring something else up. You will address that and then he will come up with something else. If he is willing to go to treatment, then that would be great. In the meantime, I had to put up with that kind of garbage when I was first getting sober. It is hard but just know that it was far easier to deal with when I was in my right mind and sober because I knew it was insanity, than to get wrapped up in it while I was drinking and get more upset and depressed about it.

Notmyrealname

Somewhere in between <stressful event> and you knocking back the first drink, you gotta derail that freight train, gotta make sure that you're not bringing thirsty lips together for a meeting with bottle/glass of booze. By hook, crook, hell or high water, that's a meeting that you just can't let happen, no matter how stressful the day is or how highstrung you are feeling.

Hope that helps .. good luck.

Jillian2563

Wow Ruby. Everything you said is exactly how it's going for us. It's crazy that someone else knows what I'm going through!

He is being honest with me now. He called me this morning to tell me he messed up again. That he wants help. So I guess that's a good start.

How did you and your husband get through this?

Thanks for everyone's support.