My names Sara and I'm a grateful recovering addict..
Team-Sober-Sara
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Fitchburg, Massachusetts
Posts: 3
My names Sara and I'm a grateful recovering addict..
Hello everyone, my names Sara, I am 22 years old from Central Massachusetts. I have 3 daughters, and I am currently married to another addict who I am currently filing for divorce from. My children are 5 years, 16 months and 3 months. I had my first child at 17, and started using drugs at 18 and a half when I reunited with an old flame (soon to be ex husband) at the wake of both of our best friend. I up and left my child's father, and shortly thereafter began using cocaine heavily. My husband went to jail after 2 months for destroying my car, cell phone, and threw me around and I finally landed outside in the freezing cold at 2am totally stuck.
I recanted my statement, and we started running together shortly after. I started with dilaudids, but then our friend with them moved, and we had no choice "but to go to the dope". I didnt have my (then) 2 year old, she was safe with my mother, and I had become pregnant, and my mother was able to reason with me enough and say something that made me realize I was in no spot to have a child. So I terminated the pregnancy, and within a matter of days I had picked up a needle for the first time.
Things only got worse from that moment on, and in 2011 I was in 4 detoxes between June and November.
In March, 2012 I completed my first detox ever, and started the methadone clinic right after. I had chunks of attained sobriety, would slip, pick up, fall again, and so on for a long time.
My (then) fiance was undergoing interfuron treatment for his hepitisis c, and I became pregnant, although we had been warned against it. Every medical professional we spoke with told us the risks for the baby were very high and we were advised to terminate the pregnancy due to the risks of our child having severe medical problems. I held out faith and on 4-9-13 we found out we were expecting a healthy baby girl. I, then, got married 6-10-13 at our church with only our closest family members. That was the day everything fell apart...
My ex wanted to buy something to "celebrate" with, and it progressed from there with the crack cocaine. I had shared custody of my 4 year old, and her father and I split the week and she went from Vermont to Massachusetts and back again every week.
9-2013 my child's father obtained physical custody through probate Court, and I was given a decent visitation schedule.
Less than a week after, I gave birth at home after being discharged from the hospital. I used, and I am so ashamed of that, but its a part of my story and to recover I need to let it out.
The state took custody at 2 days old, and informed me my child's father had been granted an emergency hearing to amend the court order, and that she wouldn't be returning to me "until further notice".
I was granted 2-4 hour supervised visits per month, supervised by my child's fathers new girlfriend.
I found out I was pregnant again when my middle child was 6 months old. I had to increase my methadone to keep the baby comfortable, and kept picking up and falling again, throughout my entire pregnancy. During that time the goal changed to adoption on my daughter, and visits decreased to 1x a month for 1 hour at a time.
My daughter was born 3 weeks early to the day, and she tested positive in the meconium, as we'll as I did in my blood. The state took her at 22 hours old, but while she remained in the hospital withdrawing from methadone I was able to bond with her a great deal.
The methadone clinic gave me my discharge notice about 10 days after I delivered and I appealed it with the clinic, and with Department of public health, and to no avail I was termimated , and detoxed 5mg everyday. My spouse had been using for a while, now, so when I started getting sick I joined. Then he went to detox, and I was trying to make it through my Christmas visit with my daughter before going to detox, and my best friend told me I will miss a lot more visits if I don't go because I would die.
My ex came home from detox to me sick, everything messed up, Just pure chaos to come home to. I was so sick and had to ask my husband to stick a needle in my arm right after leaving detox. The next day he called a detox for me, and I took the plunge to go. He got left in the city and had an 'NA friend' bringing him home, but my mom could sense the deception. She knew, and in my heart I had the feeling something was wrong and on Christmas I left detox against medical advice, and my husband basically told me not to come home so my best friend gave me the keys to her apartment and I started staying there. A few days later I found another woman there, and it was really over.
I was devastated, heart broken, but I didn't use. I was so sick from leaving detox ama , and didn't use!
I made it one day at a time, and even in the midst of my seperation, my daughters 'step-mother' decided to stop allowing me my one visit per month, then served me to go to court, so that is coming up.
I am involved in an intensive outpatient program, psychiatry, medication management, I have a wonderful support system, and today I celebrate TWENTY ONE DAYS CLEAN AND SOBER.
Even throughout all the BS and hurt, despair, hopelessness I felt and still feel at times, I havent picked up..
I told my friend tonight that I would really really like to "act a fool" but I can't.
My social workers supervisor told me if I keep it up then he would be willing to discuss the referral I need to get into residential treatment with my child, and have them place her with me, at the end of February....
I'm Sara, a grateful and hopeful recovering addict...
I recanted my statement, and we started running together shortly after. I started with dilaudids, but then our friend with them moved, and we had no choice "but to go to the dope". I didnt have my (then) 2 year old, she was safe with my mother, and I had become pregnant, and my mother was able to reason with me enough and say something that made me realize I was in no spot to have a child. So I terminated the pregnancy, and within a matter of days I had picked up a needle for the first time.
Things only got worse from that moment on, and in 2011 I was in 4 detoxes between June and November.
In March, 2012 I completed my first detox ever, and started the methadone clinic right after. I had chunks of attained sobriety, would slip, pick up, fall again, and so on for a long time.
My (then) fiance was undergoing interfuron treatment for his hepitisis c, and I became pregnant, although we had been warned against it. Every medical professional we spoke with told us the risks for the baby were very high and we were advised to terminate the pregnancy due to the risks of our child having severe medical problems. I held out faith and on 4-9-13 we found out we were expecting a healthy baby girl. I, then, got married 6-10-13 at our church with only our closest family members. That was the day everything fell apart...
My ex wanted to buy something to "celebrate" with, and it progressed from there with the crack cocaine. I had shared custody of my 4 year old, and her father and I split the week and she went from Vermont to Massachusetts and back again every week.
9-2013 my child's father obtained physical custody through probate Court, and I was given a decent visitation schedule.
Less than a week after, I gave birth at home after being discharged from the hospital. I used, and I am so ashamed of that, but its a part of my story and to recover I need to let it out.
The state took custody at 2 days old, and informed me my child's father had been granted an emergency hearing to amend the court order, and that she wouldn't be returning to me "until further notice".
I was granted 2-4 hour supervised visits per month, supervised by my child's fathers new girlfriend.
I found out I was pregnant again when my middle child was 6 months old. I had to increase my methadone to keep the baby comfortable, and kept picking up and falling again, throughout my entire pregnancy. During that time the goal changed to adoption on my daughter, and visits decreased to 1x a month for 1 hour at a time.
My daughter was born 3 weeks early to the day, and she tested positive in the meconium, as we'll as I did in my blood. The state took her at 22 hours old, but while she remained in the hospital withdrawing from methadone I was able to bond with her a great deal.
The methadone clinic gave me my discharge notice about 10 days after I delivered and I appealed it with the clinic, and with Department of public health, and to no avail I was termimated , and detoxed 5mg everyday. My spouse had been using for a while, now, so when I started getting sick I joined. Then he went to detox, and I was trying to make it through my Christmas visit with my daughter before going to detox, and my best friend told me I will miss a lot more visits if I don't go because I would die.
My ex came home from detox to me sick, everything messed up, Just pure chaos to come home to. I was so sick and had to ask my husband to stick a needle in my arm right after leaving detox. The next day he called a detox for me, and I took the plunge to go. He got left in the city and had an 'NA friend' bringing him home, but my mom could sense the deception. She knew, and in my heart I had the feeling something was wrong and on Christmas I left detox against medical advice, and my husband basically told me not to come home so my best friend gave me the keys to her apartment and I started staying there. A few days later I found another woman there, and it was really over.
I was devastated, heart broken, but I didn't use. I was so sick from leaving detox ama , and didn't use!
I made it one day at a time, and even in the midst of my seperation, my daughters 'step-mother' decided to stop allowing me my one visit per month, then served me to go to court, so that is coming up.
I am involved in an intensive outpatient program, psychiatry, medication management, I have a wonderful support system, and today I celebrate TWENTY ONE DAYS CLEAN AND SOBER.
Even throughout all the BS and hurt, despair, hopelessness I felt and still feel at times, I havent picked up..
I told my friend tonight that I would really really like to "act a fool" but I can't.
My social workers supervisor told me if I keep it up then he would be willing to discuss the referral I need to get into residential treatment with my child, and have them place her with me, at the end of February....
I'm Sara, a grateful and hopeful recovering addict...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
Welcome to SR, sobersara. You will find support, understanding and encouragement.
Congratulations on 21 sober days.
I am so sorry for the sadness and struggles in your young life. God for you for wanting to turn your life around.
Keanu on us; we are here for you.
Congratulations on 21 sober days.
I am so sorry for the sadness and struggles in your young life. God for you for wanting to turn your life around.
Keanu on us; we are here for you.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome Sara youl find tons of support here its nice to meet you
This is what Addiction does it was hard to read that you have been through a lot and im so happy for you to reach 21 days clean & sober this is awesome news
I hope you stay on team sober its the best life by far
I hope you have sucess with getting your daughter bk you can do this
This is what Addiction does it was hard to read that you have been through a lot and im so happy for you to reach 21 days clean & sober this is awesome news
I hope you stay on team sober its the best life by far
I hope you have sucess with getting your daughter bk you can do this
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Albany, New York.
Posts: 76
Congrats sobersara! You went thru a lot! I'm worried about my sister. She continues to use and doesn't think she can go to jail cause she has a kid. I can't make her see her denial. Idk its stressfull . congrats again
Team-Sober-Sara
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Fitchburg, Massachusetts
Posts: 3
Thank you, everyone! Its definitely been an eye opening situation for me, and I am starting to see things for what they really are, starting to finally recognize that my Higher Power has a plan for me, one much greater than I can see, and for the first time I am going to embrace life and take each and every minute to become a better person than I was the minutes before..
I am staying with my best friend but there is a residential program in my area with available beds right now, and I plan on hopefully going in there, until I can move to women's and children's with my infant daughter. Today I have hope for myself... And that's something I ran short of my entire life. Today I'm learning to love myself, for the first time. And the best of all for me, is learning to stop doing for everyone else, and do what's best for me, my recovery, my life, my children. I will no longer allow people to down-talk me and walk all over me because of whatever excuses I've used to put my tail between my legs and walk away like a coward. I'm a WOMAN, A MOTHER, AND A SURVIVOR. Thank you for your support, and Im very excited to have become a member here..
I am staying with my best friend but there is a residential program in my area with available beds right now, and I plan on hopefully going in there, until I can move to women's and children's with my infant daughter. Today I have hope for myself... And that's something I ran short of my entire life. Today I'm learning to love myself, for the first time. And the best of all for me, is learning to stop doing for everyone else, and do what's best for me, my recovery, my life, my children. I will no longer allow people to down-talk me and walk all over me because of whatever excuses I've used to put my tail between my legs and walk away like a coward. I'm a WOMAN, A MOTHER, AND A SURVIVOR. Thank you for your support, and Im very excited to have become a member here..
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by sobersara 
Thank you, everyone! Its definitely been an eye opening situation for me, and I am starting to see things for what they really are, starting to finally recognize that my Higher Power has a plan for me, one much greater than I can see, and for the first time I am going to embrace life and take each and every minute to become a better person than I was the minutes before..
I am staying with my best friend but there is a residential program in my area with available beds right now, and I plan on hopefully going in there, until I can move to women's and children's with my infant daughter. Today I have hope for myself... And that's something I ran short of my entire life. Today I'm learning to love myself, for the first time. And the best of all for me, is learning to stop doing for everyone else, and do what's best for me, my recovery, my life, my children. I will no longer allow people to down-talk me and walk all over me because of whatever excuses I've used to put my tail between my legs and walk away like a coward. I'm a WOMAN, A MOTHER, AND A SURVIVOR. Thank you for your support, and Im very excited to have become a member here..
I am staying with my best friend but there is a residential program in my area with available beds right now, and I plan on hopefully going in there, until I can move to women's and children's with my infant daughter. Today I have hope for myself... And that's something I ran short of my entire life. Today I'm learning to love myself, for the first time. And the best of all for me, is learning to stop doing for everyone else, and do what's best for me, my recovery, my life, my children. I will no longer allow people to down-talk me and walk all over me because of whatever excuses I've used to put my tail between my legs and walk away like a coward. I'm a WOMAN, A MOTHER, AND A SURVIVOR. Thank you for your support, and Im very excited to have become a member here..
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
It's great to have you join us sara. You're never alone.
I'm sorry for all you've been through, but congratulations on your 21 days clean & sober. You never have to go back to that horrible place again.
I'm sorry for all you've been through, but congratulations on your 21 days clean & sober. You never have to go back to that horrible place again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR and congratulations on 21 days!!
I'm sorry for what you've been through. My stuggle wasn't quite the same, but it was a struggle none-the-less. SR has been a HUGE part of my recovery, and I hope you find the same!!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm sorry for what you've been through. My stuggle wasn't quite the same, but it was a struggle none-the-less. SR has been a HUGE part of my recovery, and I hope you find the same!!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Glad to hear you are finally climbing out of that hole. Fellow H user here with over 2.5 years clean. I still often can't believe it. I was just sure I was going to die out there. It takes a little time to truly and positively know with your entire being that picking up JUST ONCE will destroy your life. Everything you love and everything you have fought so hard for to this point. Keep up the good work.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 576
Keep at it Sarah! I am sorry for the loss and despair you experienced.. But you now have a whole huge wonderful life ahead of you.. Keep looking up and lifting up! Stick with it! SR is all ears and virtual arms and shoulders... 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi Sara and Welcome from a billion stars in the sky.. prayers kiddo you hold tigh to this group for they have been there and done that.. you have so much to live for .. and so young to be able to change that path and bring your little ones with you .. to a Day of Sun Shine and better future.. prayers just so many prayers. and kiddo you can do this for you have looked in the mirror and saw who and what you want to be for yourself and the babies. love a Mom ardy .... you scream my way sweetheart or to anyone here. . we will be there ... yep..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
Welcome SoberSara! Sounds like you have been on quite a journey....glad you found SR. This community has been really important in my sobriety and staying clean. Keep up the great work; you are worth it!
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