I'm done with it
 

I've been posting here for coming up 3 years. I did 7 weeks or so, then relapsed. After that I worked really hard on building a sober life and did 2 years and almost 7 months. Things were going well despite lots of difficulties in my life.

But I realise now, looking back, there was always a little part of me that wondered if one day I would be able to drink normally again. 'The whisper' I called it. Every 6 months or so, 'the whisper' would get a little more urgent. It took advantage of tragedy (I heard it after my Dad died)...it would pipe up when something good happened (promotion? Yay, let's drink!).

Mostly I recognised it and learned to ignore it...but I never shut the door on it. Not completely.

Over Christmas I drank and threw away years of sober time. I had a million reasons..I was depressed, lost in grief, I left a job where I had been happy and settled for many years, my sisters marriage broke down, my daughter split with her long time boyfriend...blah blah blah.

Truth is, I started listening to that voice and I planned to drink. It happened fairly slowly but became inevitable because I WANTED to drink. I knew what the end result would be. After that first sip, all bets were off. There was no going back for me...

I was lost in self pity for a while...but as the new year came in I decided...no more. I am well and truly done with it. There will never again come another situation that I will drink over.

The door has been shut and bolted. And I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

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Love it! What a way to start my day. :c011:

It doesn't sound like you threw anything away at all Jeni - it's all still there :)
Now you have no doors left ajar - that's awesome :)

D

I pride myself of not being "normal" because sober people will never be "normal" in the eyes of people who can drink without issue. I don't even try to impress or please anyone and I've finally stopped fooling myself that I can ever be like others who drink in moderation.

Wonderful post, Jeni.

All doors shut and bolted - love it.

Stay strong. Congrats on your resolve.

Your doing well Jeni

Great post Jeni! So much resonated with me. I had 21 months at one point and threw it away because I felt I was denying myself something. I suffered major loss too and rationalized that I could not lose drinking too. I think the mindset you mention of not shutting the door completely on drinking certainly plays a role. I'm still struggling with never being able to have that temporary escape going forward but I'm determined.

I wish you all the best and know that we can do this!!

Stay strong happyface:

Hey! I'm glad you are resolving to keep on embracing sobriety!!

I have also experienced 'the whisper'.

I find that what works best in keeping its power from growing is fully exposing it. Bring it into the light by sharing it here, share it in a meeting, share it with a counselor or a close friend or sponsor or spouse.

Under no circumstances allow it to occupy a space in your mind without revealing it. You take away its power each time you talk about it. It thrives on your hidden dark corners. It grows each time you allow it to sneak in and capture a little bigger piece of your mind.

When you hear the whisper; tell about it. Expose it. Counter it's lies by re-telling yourself the truths. What alcohol really brought you and what you really love about sobriety and all that you know about what is meaningful to you and what you refuse to lose to it.

It is weak and powerless in the light.

That's wonderful, Jeni.

I'm glad to see you back Jeni;
Sounds like you've figured out what happened and what you need to do now :)

Onward! True that! Yay! Eureka!
Seriously, you sound very serious and I'm kinda getting emphatically pumped. Way to go at addressing the Beast properly (with closure)!

This is a great post, thank you.

Good for you. Freedom at last :)

You've put your finger on the biggest struggle of them all; accepting the 'never'. People can go for years never quite getting there, then relapse. So glad you're there.

Proud of you, Jeni.

What a wonder post to read with my morning coffee. Thank you, Jeni,and thank you for the inspiration.

Jeni26, you are just so FANTASTIC, rootin for ya. :egypt:
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Yes. That was the wrench in my former attempts. I wondered if I would ever drink again. I never even kidded myself that it would be moderately. I always wondered if binging once a year would be that harmful.

My former sobriety record from 2004-2014 was 10 days. Over six months this time, nowthat I accept that I will never drink again.
It's much easier to stay sober when you know that you will not drink again

Way to go jeni! I love it!! :)