Gordy

My first entry on the site so a little about myself first. I am 48 year old male and have been an alcoholic for about 12 years. I’ve been drinking since I was 17 but the problem only really started in my 30s. I suppose trying to find the reason why I became this way, I wanted to revive a little spark from those fun and crazy times during my youth. Now I am married and have a wonderful wife and a beautiful son. The drinking went underground as my spouse never agreed with my drinking habits which I limited to the week-ends only. She considered I drank too much and should cut down, this was because she cared about my health and weight etc. she is also tea-total. I never considered a 6 pack on a Saturday night excessive but I begrudgingly limited myself to a couple of cans instead to keep the wife happy but I always had a stash hidden around the house somewhere. The beer stash became spirits as I found it easier to conceal and drink, its only then I realised I had an issue…….I really was addicted to this stuff and couldn’t stop. Without going into a complete catalogue of all the embarrassing times and those I hurt when I over did it, the following years turned me into a hardened drunk. I could neck back a liter and a half of Vodka on a Saturday and the same again Sunday (I at least managed to control the heavy consumption to the week-ends). All the problems and pain this caused my wife and family forced me to admit I had a problem and seek help. I went to various 1 to 1 counselling sessions, read non- stop all the books I could on alcohol addiction and attended AA meetings. Over time, about another 2 years to be honest, I managed to get it under control. I did naturally have some slip ups but got back on track.
Now to the present. The longest I managed to go without a drink was 2 and half years, I had a relapse which didn’t last very long but I cannot for the life of me figure out why I did hit the bottle again. Life was good, professionally the job was going well….. Why did this happen? This has been much the same for me now going on 6 years. I stop drinking for a year or 4 months, 6 months then feel compelled with an overwhelming urge to drink again. In the periods when I don’t drink I feel great, I never crave for it or even think about it, then for some in-explicable reason one day I wake up and BAM! its locked in my head……gotta have a drink. I fight it off best I can for a week or so, keep busy, read or may-be go to see my councillor. Enviably, It get me and I will go on a bender for up to 2 day to a week. Then, as soon as it came, I’ve stopped and another long period of sobriety will ensue.
I am not looking for advice, just experience and support……words of wisdom. I can’t figure out what pattern of alcoholism this is, I can give it up so easy for long periods then it comes back and bites me months and months later. Why can’t I give up for good?
Thanks to all who read this, I have spent many hour reading all your own stories and the struggles we all suffer to stay off this evil substance.
Gordy

Soberwolf

Welcome Gordy youl find a ton of support here and if you had 2.5 years you can do it again

Nice to meet you

Dee74

Hi Gordy

The one thing I've learned here is there are many many patterns of alcoholism...

the bottom line is, if your drinking is causing you problems, it's time to stop...and if you want to stop, then you're in the right place for help.

Posting and reading here daily really helped me build a defence against those crazy notions of drinking again.

I know we can help you too Gordy

D

ScottFromWI

Welcome Gordy. I'm not sure there's a definitive answer to why any of us are alcoholics, whether we have long periods of sobriety in between or if we drink every single day. Alcoholism itself really makes no logical sense.

For me, I turned the corner by accepting that no matter what happens, I cannot ever pick up the next drink without serious consequences. Once I did that it opened up a whole new world where alcohol simply doesnt have a place anymore.

I hope you can find what you seek here at SR, and once again welcome.

Findingtheway

I really enjoyed reading your post. Sounds like me...I've been getting various periods of sobriety that renew my hope. And then a day comes along seemingly out of the blue and I'll drink.

I'll drink hard and fast...horrible things happen and I'll stop again. Reset back to sober patterns and life gets better...until the invariable next time.

I'm learning it's tied to my emotions...I went to AA tonight and basically started sharing about my perception of an unfair God of my misunderstanding...

Because I don't understand God...and my lord did the hatred and anger start flowing...emotional RELEASE.

My emotions tie me into knots. I need to be vigilant of them.

Again really enjoyed your post. I absolutely get it.

headcase1

Hi Gordy,You only have to quit this one last time, make it forever.Tell your wife when you want a drink & discuss a plan with her of what to do to replace the booze.Best of luck to you.

Trapped777

You sound like a periodic alcoholic.

I was one of them a while back, could go weeks/months without drinking, then a binge. Then it crept up on me and I could not stay stopped for a few days.

It crept up quick.

Then I just couldn't stop drinking. Best get it sorted now. Much easier to get it sorted when you are a periodic alcoholic.

Be well.

Gordy

Thank you to you all for the replies and support to my first post. I know I can crack this and am sure this site is a very good start. I read peoples stories and experiences every night and find strength, not just from the content but the camaraderie and genuine care shown supporting one another.
I feel good at the moment, 11 days sober, feeling strong. One day at a time though, planning for the long haul.

Thank you
Gordy

Soberwolf

Awesome job on 11 days sober Gordy why dont you join the class of January its ppl who got sober around the same time as each other

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-2-a-8.html

Congrats again Gordy

Lancashire

I think Dee is right, for me also I need to come on here and read and post experiences to remind myself, that this isn't a made up problem in my head, but to remind myself that Alcohol is an addictive substance that ruins lives and takes them too.

Reading members posts, like yours just now puts a sense of perspective, where I can say I am not going to drink tonight. Thats all the promise I can allow myself.

Tomorrow I will marshal my strength and focus on not drinking tomorrow, because today was a success and done with.

I know 2 things, alcoholic voices come to us when we are particularly down or weakened and you are more likely to start drinking again, when you believe you can control your drinking.

JanieJ

Welcome to the family Gordy


Glad you found us.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Gordy!! You'll not go short of support here on SR!!

waveridermke

I've been attending AA meetings regularly over the past month and one thing that I've noticed is that even some the members with years of sobriety under their belt have thoughts of drinking again.

I like to think that, as drinkers, we have fine-tuned our brains to seek out alcohol as a solution - like a neurological tick.

This Saturday, I heard a speaker who had gained over 80 pounds of fluid that her liver was unable to process, had turned yellow, and was hospitalized for a significant period of time. When the doctor told her that she MIGHT not have cirrhosis, her first thought was "maybe I can have a glass of wine after dinner." She said that this thought was bizarre in a number of ways because a.) she never had just one glass of anything when she was drinking, b.) she never drank in public, and c.) she was on the brink of death a few months ago.

It seems that as alcoholics, our brains not only don't need a good reason to drink in order to desire alcohol, but will also want to drink even if it's the worst idea in the world.

When I first came to these forums, I had suffered a relapse due to a pretty intense case of "auto-piloting." I felt trapped in my own body as a I saw myself purchase and drink a four-pack of tall boys after a really fulfilling period of sobriety. I never felt so insane as I did that day.

This time around, I've really taken to heart the spiritual element of the AA program. I've spoken to someone who's used meditation to remain sober. Either way, it's not easy, but it seems that being aware of how difficult it is to remain sober is an important step - program or not.

OnMyWay7

I had stopped for months in 2011. I can't even remember when I started again or why. I think just because it was summer.

All I know is now I'm back with elevated liver enzymes after a few more years of not only wine but now vodka as well.

I need to do something different this time. I don't want that to happen again. Sounds like you don't want it to happen again either. What are you going to do differently?

Fly N Buy

Glad you're here!

Had a friend tell me once that each time he quit somewhere in his brain there was a thought ........not forever, I will drink again someday.

He's got 10 years on this run, but his experience is similar to yours.

When I quit he cautioned me regarding this. Don't know if that's you or not......
But, maybe that sheds some light - perhaps.

Thanks for posting, and welcome

oak

Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us. There is a lot of support here.

I can relate to your experience of staying sober for 6 months or so, then relapsing. I did that for several years too. Somehow, I managed to get long-term sobriety after several years of relapsing. For me, getting enough support was important, and getting into therapy with a good therapist who could help me heal from past trauma was important. But everyone is different. You can find what you need to stay sober.

You have lots of experience being sober. That will help a lot.

MIRecovery

When I quit forever is when I truly believed that I would never ever be a normal drinker. When I admitted total defeat and became willing to give my recovery everything I had things started to get better.

Against my better judgment I went to AA 6 times a week, got a sponsor, and worked the steps. An amazing thing happened. I have not drank since.

Gordy

I know in my case, the triggers have changed that set me off again. I can quite happily sit in a bar with friends and drinks coke or go to the works Christmas party where free booze is everywhere but not touch a drop. The atmosphere and general happy mood in those situations is enough for me.
This is where you have to do the self-analysis to be able to understand and control your habits. In my line of work I am always under a lot of pressure. Confrontation and arguments are a day to day thing…. that set me off initially 12 years ago and the restrictions being newly married pushed my habit underground. This was when my drinking was at its worst, my emotions couldn’t handle it at the time. Now it’s changed, I've toughened up emotionally, I cope quite easily at work now but as ‘Trapped777’ put it….yes I think I’m a periodic alcoholic…. Sporadic, no idea when it will raise its ugly head again.
.....For instance, my family and I treat ourselves to week-ends away occasionally, we stop in a hotel in some far away place. I have relapsed twice after long periods of sobriety during these times. My brain is telling me to relax, have fun……a little drink of something perhaps. I then find, before I know it, that I’ve suddenly switched off all rationality and am using the well-honed skills of a deceitful alcoholic to get drink by any means. As we drive into town where the hotel is, my eyes rapidly scan both sides of the street, looking for the liquor stores……how close are they to the hotel, how can I make an excuse to get out……should only take me 15 minutes there and back……..how can I smuggle the bottle in……….
I'm sure you all recognize these patterns, those of us living within a family unit?
So, this is where I am going to be most vigilant in future, these situations became my new triggers in my now domesticated, 40 something, life style. Even habits adapt to the environment, just took some years before I really realized and accepted it.
Reading your replies it seems common for some to go ‘without’ for long periods then have a short relapse.
I’m 14 days dry now and no problems, I know that there wont be any problems for quite a while. I will keep coming here to read your pearls of wisdom to bolster up my strength, I have an appointment with my addiction councillor next week so looking good……..for now.

Thanks for all the support and welcomes.
Gordy

Soberwolf

Well done on 14 days/2 Weeks sober Gordy

seasky

welcome gordy and congrats on two weeks