Moving in the right direction....
 

I've been a chronic relapser for a long time now. It's embarrassing and I don't like admitting that - I wish I could be one of those people who just came in to the program and "got it" first try, but for whatever reason, I needed more proof that I was an alcoholic and an addict to find the resolve to stay sober for good. To really and truly accept my powerlessness to my deepest core.

The last 6 months, I've been trying to get sober again, after spending the entire summer in a drunk. I had a period of almost 90 days sobriety, followed by a 3 day relapse, then a period of 30 days, followed by a 2 day relapse, then a period of 30 days, followed by a 1 day relapse.

People have said things like "I can't give you surrender, you must find it yourself." or "maybe you just haven't hit your bottom yet." These comments can lead me to questioning whether I wouldn't just be better off giving up, and going back out until maybe I find these things once and for all. And just pray that I won't die in the process.

But today - I can't help but feel that despite my recent short-lived relapses, I am still moving in the right direction. I've put so many safeguards in place in my life that even when I do relapse, I'm running straight back to recovery within a matter of 24 hours, desperate to not repeat the cycle again.

Am I saying that relapse needs to be a part of my recovery? Absolutely not. I would certainly save myself much pain and misery, and potentially my own life, if I never picked up a drink again. I hope to god that is the case.

I should mention that after these relapses, I have honestly felt to my very core the deepest surrender I have ever known. I can only describe it as pure and utter desperation and defeat. I've begged my higher power on my knees to help me. Help me to hold on to that feeling of desperation so that I do not have to go through this ever again. Take my will, my life, everything you need. If I can just stay sober, please god.

I've been working the steps with a sponsor, and she's continued to push me forward despite my relapsing.

After my last 1 day relapse, I decided that I am going to keep pushing through and giving sobriety my all, my everything, no matter what it takes. I am so powerless over my addiction, but I can rely heavily on my higher power to help me and guide me to my sober destiny. The path that is intended for me on this earth, in this life.

The only alternative to this option is to descend further into my addiction, and god knows that is a terrifying place that I do not want to go.

The only thing that will absolutely ensure my failure is the absence of continuing to work on my recovery and sobriety.

I will quit drinking, or I will die trying. I know that to be true today.

Happy sober 24 hours all.

Rooting for you, Mrrryah.

:hug: Mrrryah

Im so glad your not giving up on this and i really appreciate you being here i know you can do this

:scoregood

It sounds like you are doing very well with your recovery. To relapse and go back to sobriety so fast is a great sign of your commitment. The brain is a powerful persuader. I am very excited to hear about your success. Have a wonderful day.

Stay focused Mrrryah you can do this. Relapses happen they are part of finding your way to the sober path. And from the looks of things it seems like you have come out stronger from each one. Work hard and have faith!

Hang in there!

I'm in your corner, Mrrryah!! I will be rooting for you all the way!

Alot of your post speaks to me. I've LIVED alot of your story.

The periods of sustained sobriety...The periods of falling. And then coming right back.

My job is to stay sober TODAY. And today only. However that needs to be.

For many days i have accomplished that goal. But if I've been accomplishing it the wrong way...Again EVENTUALLY i will fall. I need to allow something else to take control. I give myself over today. It's NOT my job to run this show!

I wish you well Mrryah. Continue forth to improving your life.

It was hard to stop drinking when I thought I was giving up something valuable. I felt deprived. Now I see alcohol for what it really is and I would no sooner drink it than I would rat poison. What things of value do you imagine are contained in those bottles?

Me too, Mrrryah Xx

I'm rooting for you and it does indeed come off as things are moving in the right direction.

Don't ever, ever give up, Mrrryah. I have faith and confidence in you.

You mentioned that you have so many safeguards in place that you return immediately to restart your efforts for sobriety. That's wonderful.

Have you identified the source of your most recent relapse and put a safeguard in place to block the type of situation or thought process in the future?

As always, rooting for you, Mrrryah.

Good luck Mrrryah. We can make it.

Mrrryah,

Since you're in the program, I'll share this with you. I read from As Bill Sees is quite often.

Here's an excerpt from one of his that I share on occasion:

Quantity or Quality

"About this slip business -- I would not be too discouraged. I think
you are suffering a great deal from a needless guilt. For some reason
or other, the Lord has laid out tougher paths for some of us, and I
guess you are treading one of them. God is not asking us to be
successful. He is only asking us to try to be. That, you surely are
doing, and have been doing. So I would not stay away from A.A.
through any feeling of discouragement or shame. It's just the place
you should be. Why don't you try just as a member? You don't have to
carry the whole A.A. on your back, you know!
"It is not always the quantity of good things that you do, it is also
the quality that counts.
"Above all, take it one day at a time."

Some of this may apply/be helpful today for you.
So, well we need to keep trying and change - don't feel like the lone ranger ;)


peace

Oh Mrrryah. I relate to so much to your post. I'm rooting for you, just like I keep rooting for myself even when I fall down. The fact that you've come back so quickly seems like progress to me.

Don't be embarrassed. I see a strong person who I believe is really going down the right path. At least for myself, even when I've had a drink when I said I wldn't...I keep thinking, what if I never even tried this. What if I was where I was a year ago, totally stuck in a bottle with absolutely no idea how to get out. At least now, I see the bright side of things and I want to continue on this path, and I know you do to. Let's keep on keeping on!

(((HUGS))).

you got a buncha people in your corner M!
just keep picking yourself up and movin' forward!!!
don't ever feel embarrassed! not here. not ever.

Helped me much - thank you Flynbuy :)

I know that you can do this.

This is a great post - thank you for sharing your experience. You write so well!
Really hope you have a happy, sober new year. Definitely moving in the right direction xx

I forgot to mention, Mrryah, that I am very proud of all of your hard work.

Keep moving ahead.

Totally rooting for you Mrrryah1! Many of us have been where you are now, so definitely don't be too hard on yourself. Keep pressing ahead as they say! :)