newbe99

Hello everyone, and thank you all for indulging me on my very first post.

I don't really know where to begin. I feel like I am at rock bottom and I am so ready to make a fundamental change in my life. I just don't know how to make sure I can follow through and keep from making the same mistakes I have made over and over.

I am 39 and married with a beautiful wife and a wonderful 8 year old daughter whom I love more than I can ever describe. A little over a year ago, my alcoholism caused me to take an action where the guilt still consumes me daily. On Halloween night, I got trashed. Just trashed. My wife and I got into a big fight that night (and I cannot even remember why). She insulted me and I slapped her on the cheek. I have never done something so irresponsible or horrible in my life. I didn't think I could sink any lower.

But I have. A few months ago, I was incredibly hung over from a weekend of partying. On Monday, I came into work briefly, and then proceeded to drink a 750 of vodka in my car throughout the course of the day in the parking garage. I slept throughout the day, sent occasional emails, and then claimed that I was sick when I got home and went to bed at 7:30 p.m.

I've repeated this behavior several times since then. After returning from a two week vacation where the wine was flowing regularly, I don't know how to get back on my feet. I can't sleep at night. I will wake up at 2 a.m. just to grab a shot so that I can sleep and quell the paranoia. I'll drink in the morning just to get to equilibrium before work. I hide all of this from my wife. I don't want to be in this state anymore. I want to find something else in my life to fill the void.

I have come to associate alcohol with everything fun in my life, but I also recognize that it is destroying everything fun in my life. I am otherwise a very healthy individual who loves exercise, the outdoors, time with the family, etc. I don't know how I have let myself become what I have.

I feel humiliated and humbled to make this very first post. I would greatly appreciate the insight and guidance of others who have been in this same type of situation. I am ready to make a change. I HAVE to make a change. I am just at a loss right now to understand or even contemplate how to get rid of an affliction that has been such a central part of my life for 20 years now.

Soberwolf

Welcome Newbe99 Youl find a ton of support here check out these links http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2015-a-24.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-33-a-16.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

Really nice to meet you

Nonsensical

Welcome to Sober Recovery.

drinking at work? drinking to sleep? drinking to feel normal in the morning? anxiety? paranoia? shame? embarassment? guilt?

Been there, done that.

There is a path to a happy sober life for all of us. Let's find yours.

Change is possible.
Hope is reasonable.
Believe it.

ZPQX

Hi newbe99, welcome! You've come to the right place. And have come to the right insight: alcohol is not fun, it destroys.

I'm 6 days sober after 5 years of heavy daily drinking. Everything fell apart because of the drinking. I tried to quit time and time again, every time lasting about 30 minutes before I gave up and grabbed a beer again. It had gotten bad.

I wanted to quit. So do you, that is clear. And every time I tried, I really wanted to quit. But I failed. Why? Because even though I wanted to quit, I was not putting in the effort. It takes work and you have to be willing to do what it takes.

At one point I realized that and 6 days ago, I quit AND started working on staying sober.

It pays off though. I found the first few days the most difficult, but it's getting easier and easier. And in just 6 days I've begun to make a pretty good start building the life I actually want.

So go for it! Do it! At first it may be difficult, but time will pass. And it will get easier. Sometimes you just have to sit through the hard parts as time heals you.

Be well and healthy!

DuhDave

Welcome Newbe99. You'll find a lot of support here. Read as much as you can and feel free to post as much as you like.

We're here for you.

DD

DanCO

newbe99,

Man, your situation mirrors mine exactly. I wasn't always a daily drinker, I could go weeks without anything, no withdrawal, no DTs, yet when I would have a drink (mine was bourbon) I kept at it for days, drinking at work, sending drunk, confident emails, closing construction bids, even taking clients out to lunch without anyone having known I was totally and completely wasted. Eventually 2pm would hit and I'd not feel well (i. e. hungover) and head home with anxiety, anger and shame that would be beyond tolerable. I have done this on and off for 9 years...and I'm done. Defeated. Burned out and pissed off.

Time for us to take responsibility and help each other. Time for us, as men, spouses, fathers, brothers and sons, to take complete control and make better lives for ourselves and our loved ones.

Here's to a better more beautiful life ahead

Cheers

SoberLeigh

Welcome, newbe99.

newbe99

Dan, thank you so much for this post. It's humbling and gratifying to know that there are others out there in my same situation. I know that as a father and husband, I have to take the steps to fix my life and put my family first. I WILL do this, and I look forward to the opportunity to help you do the same.

Gonnachange

Newbe99, posting here is a great first step. What I would suggest to you is to post, ask questions, and read. A lot! Tons of information here and many different stories; find what resonates and find motivators to help you get past the next urge. It's going to take work, as others have mentioned, and as someone who has tripped up more than once I can attest to that. I also believe that the end goal is worth it so I'm going to keep trying.

ktwsober

Welcome sir and good luck

As others have said read, absorb, ask questions and for help. I have been through medical detox and in patient rehab, if interested in those just ask

omenapt

you are getting in deep..stay very close to this support and maybe check out AA nearby!..
..this from experience

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Newbe99!!

newbe99

So yesterday was the big turning point in my life. For the first time ever, I truly WANTED to stop drinking. The romance is gone for me and it's just not fun any more. I have come to recognize the destructiveness and pointlessness of it. I feel that I really understand this for the first time in my life.

Yesterday, I reached out to two friends on Facebook who had posted openly about going sober and that was a really powerful motivator. It really helped me to know what I wasn't alone and that there were others in the world who had suffered and recovered. I know I can do this.

So yesterday, I took my last drink in the evening. Felt like **** and went to bed around 9 p.m. I actually slept/passed out until 1:30 a.m. and I knew I was going to be waking up in the middle of the night. Been there too many times before.

I was cold and sweaty all night long. I absolutely could not fall back asleep after 1:30 a.m. and I laid there until my alarm went off at 7. It was agony. I felt scared and paranoid all night long. I felt dizzy when I went to the bathroom. I was tempted to use my old remedy, i.e. go do some shots to fall back asleep, but this time I resisted. I'm not going there anymore.

This morning, I can't say I feel great. But I am sober. I am walking into work with the mental acumen to do my job. And I know that today, I won't drink. I'm not worrying about tomorrow. I will do this one day at a time.

Thanks everyone for indulging this read. I look forward to sharing my progress and hopefully helping others take the same journey. Happy Friday!

Fly N Buy

Glad you're here, friend!
Keep coming back!!!

Gonnachange

Glad you got through the evening. Now on to day 2!