Smoking cannabis leads me to use opiates...
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Yes, please do keep us updated. I came here and posted all the time when I was quitting. It helped me to type out all my thoughts even if it was trivial and rambling. This is the place for it.
I didn't start to know my baseline (who I was without weed) until I had about three months of no weed under my belt. Still then it took about six months before I felt like "this is me". I'm noticing subtle things even now and will continue to see them as I work on changing habits I developed over a lifetime. It was much bigger for me than was I stoned or not stoned. My whole life revolved around altering my state of being.
I was always likeable, outgoing, clever, and did well at most things I set my mind to. Definitely was not stereotypical stoner. No-one knew I was not performing to my optimum, who knew what my optimum was? As I unpeal the onion (layers of beliefs about self/life formed while stoned) I hope to find out. I hope you get the wonderful opportunity to as well.
I didn't start to know my baseline (who I was without weed) until I had about three months of no weed under my belt. Still then it took about six months before I felt like "this is me". I'm noticing subtle things even now and will continue to see them as I work on changing habits I developed over a lifetime. It was much bigger for me than was I stoned or not stoned. My whole life revolved around altering my state of being.
I was always likeable, outgoing, clever, and did well at most things I set my mind to. Definitely was not stereotypical stoner. No-one knew I was not performing to my optimum, who knew what my optimum was? As I unpeal the onion (layers of beliefs about self/life formed while stoned) I hope to find out. I hope you get the wonderful opportunity to as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 30
Today I did some remi. Last night I dreamt about acquiring drugs. My subconscious, I just realised, is driven to take more drugs.
I guess opiates make you able to do things that you should not. I feel really ashamed right now. For some reason I've been thinking about my first cigarette today. I was 15. I remember reading something saying that if you stop aged 30, you could expect a normal life expectancy. I thought that 30 was so far away, but here I am at 30...I guess I new I would alone, but I remember a distinct disgust at the thought of opiates. I'm realising that I have isolated myself for a long time now and that has not been working for me lately. In the past I buried my head in the books which served me well because I am so lucky to do the job I always wanted to. With that in mind... the fact that I have nobody to make a promise to seems less important. I have to promise myself and be held account to my 15 year old self.
I don't know why but I'm so scared of finding out who I really am. I heal quick, when I feel normal I relapse. I've been doing this for what seems like forever, but the past 10 weeks have been particularly bad. I can't do this anymore. I need to change my thinking and reward system... I WANT to discover who aim and how I respond in normal situations free of ALL substances, living a disciplined life full of structure/ritual in the pursuit of achieving my goals in a healthy and constructive way.
I guess opiates make you able to do things that you should not. I feel really ashamed right now. For some reason I've been thinking about my first cigarette today. I was 15. I remember reading something saying that if you stop aged 30, you could expect a normal life expectancy. I thought that 30 was so far away, but here I am at 30...I guess I new I would alone, but I remember a distinct disgust at the thought of opiates. I'm realising that I have isolated myself for a long time now and that has not been working for me lately. In the past I buried my head in the books which served me well because I am so lucky to do the job I always wanted to. With that in mind... the fact that I have nobody to make a promise to seems less important. I have to promise myself and be held account to my 15 year old self.
I don't know why but I'm so scared of finding out who I really am. I heal quick, when I feel normal I relapse. I've been doing this for what seems like forever, but the past 10 weeks have been particularly bad. I can't do this anymore. I need to change my thinking and reward system... I WANT to discover who aim and how I respond in normal situations free of ALL substances, living a disciplined life full of structure/ritual in the pursuit of achieving my goals in a healthy and constructive way.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome br0k3ns0u1 
I think it's great you're giving pot up and working towards a commitment to giving up opiates
I had no idea who I was - I'd been drunk or stoned my entire adult life - but I rediscovered a me I'd totally forgotten about - and that guy was pretty good.
I'm confident you'll find that too, in time
D
I think it's great you're giving pot up and working towards a commitment to giving up opiates
I had no idea who I was - I'd been drunk or stoned my entire adult life - but I rediscovered a me I'd totally forgotten about - and that guy was pretty good.
I'm confident you'll find that too, in time
D
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Despite only being a chronic pot head, I was terrified of being straight. I said to myself "what the f do sober people DO?" like they were alien to me. I didn't want to turn into a weird alien straight person. I don't know why I imagined I'd lose myself and turning into a sterile boring person with no sense of humour. I also thought I'd have to start treating a lifetime of disorders which I was medicating with weed. Looking back I see there was no reason whatsoever for me to be even the smallest bit scared of sober me. I'm actually still cool plus it turns out that those disorders were just smoke and mirrors caused by my AV. Once I'd gone through withdrawal and PAWS, I was pretty darned healthy of mind. Some people do have to deal with stuff once the drugs or alcohol is gone but I was lucky and I didn't. You don't know for sure until you try.
I know what you mean about smoking. That's my last vice. Thought I would quit at 30 too but that came and went...
I know what you mean about smoking. That's my last vice. Thought I would quit at 30 too but that came and went...
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Forgot to ask - How long is your longest stretch without drugs? As you are a professional in the field, you'd probably know more about whether you are truly clear and healed from substances or not. If it wasn't that long and was just the gap between acute withdrawal and normal, well that gap can be a mighty unsettling place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 30
I've been using opiates for about 3 years. At first it was every few months.
I have stopped for several months at a time during which I just get stoned. The past 10 weeks I've used opiates more persistently.
I'm using strong opiates at low-moderate doses. My tolerance is high but I do not get withdrawal physically.
I smoked a joint last night too.
I want to see how I feel after one week opiate and cannabis free.
I have stopped for several months at a time during which I just get stoned. The past 10 weeks I've used opiates more persistently.
I'm using strong opiates at low-moderate doses. My tolerance is high but I do not get withdrawal physically.
I smoked a joint last night too.
I want to see how I feel after one week opiate and cannabis free.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 30
Yes indeed, it is day one, and for sure this time.
I last used opiates three days ago, not many either. Although I've been OK physically, mentally, I've been feeling pretty low in terms of mood and energy. Opiates really lift my mood and give me energy. Then it hit me, I've been feeling a huge emptiness, a feeling that I know very well. Drugs have filled that void for a while now, either using or thinking about it in someway. The feelings I derive form drugs other people get from life.
I make the same mistake over and over in that I try to change all at once failing miserably and getting depressed about it. I have to replace my drug use with healthy activities that will give me a natural reward and longterm satisfaction in knowing I'm reaching my goals. With that i mind, I want to take it step by step:
1. Aim for one week drug free - tomorrow will be a real test
2. Wake up early, stretch and do some weights
3. Eat well
4. Be kind and friendly at work
With time I want to do more exercise, study, and even learn how to use logic pro!
I've been thinking about myself as a child a lot lately. I grew up in a house where i was always at threat of violence and abuse. Part of that meant putting up a front so that nobody would find out, hiding the terror i was feeling. I still do this every single day. I don't think anybody suspects I use drugs or lead a fairly isolated existence. Keeping up is hard sometimes, this week more so. Anyway, I remember when I was may be 9, I isolated myself for a few weeks over summer, then one day i just went out and played with my friends. It was like I hadn't been away... I'm not sure why I remembered that but i imagine i was making it into some huge thing in my head.
I know what I need to do tomorrow...
I last used opiates three days ago, not many either. Although I've been OK physically, mentally, I've been feeling pretty low in terms of mood and energy. Opiates really lift my mood and give me energy. Then it hit me, I've been feeling a huge emptiness, a feeling that I know very well. Drugs have filled that void for a while now, either using or thinking about it in someway. The feelings I derive form drugs other people get from life.
I make the same mistake over and over in that I try to change all at once failing miserably and getting depressed about it. I have to replace my drug use with healthy activities that will give me a natural reward and longterm satisfaction in knowing I'm reaching my goals. With that i mind, I want to take it step by step:
1. Aim for one week drug free - tomorrow will be a real test
2. Wake up early, stretch and do some weights
3. Eat well
4. Be kind and friendly at work
With time I want to do more exercise, study, and even learn how to use logic pro!
I've been thinking about myself as a child a lot lately. I grew up in a house where i was always at threat of violence and abuse. Part of that meant putting up a front so that nobody would find out, hiding the terror i was feeling. I still do this every single day. I don't think anybody suspects I use drugs or lead a fairly isolated existence. Keeping up is hard sometimes, this week more so. Anyway, I remember when I was may be 9, I isolated myself for a few weeks over summer, then one day i just went out and played with my friends. It was like I hadn't been away... I'm not sure why I remembered that but i imagine i was making it into some huge thing in my head.
I know what I need to do tomorrow...
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi brokensoul well done on making a day 1
Have you considered NA mtns in london http://ukna.org/meetings-search
There will be hard days but with a good recovery plan a good set of real friends (mtns) and support (us & mtns)
youl soon see how good sobriety really is if i was getting a bad deal out of sobriety do you think id stay sober ? il be 18 months sober on Wednsday
Really glad your here bud have you joined the class of january ? its a thread for ppl getting sober around the same time
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-2-a-7.html
Have you considered NA mtns in london http://ukna.org/meetings-search
There will be hard days but with a good recovery plan a good set of real friends (mtns) and support (us & mtns)
youl soon see how good sobriety really is if i was getting a bad deal out of sobriety do you think id stay sober ? il be 18 months sober on Wednsday
Really glad your here bud have you joined the class of january ? its a thread for ppl getting sober around the same time
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-2-a-7.html
Tired
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
I grew up with people using all varieties of drugs. Alcohol premium (which is what I struggle with now) weed, opiates, speed, hallucinations, blah blah.
Needless to say I did them all eventually, but alcohol hooked me.
I do not believe pot is a gateway drug. That's too simple. All forms of drugs are gateway drugs. Even caffeine.
I did smoke pot for months and want more more, and that was my only hook at the time.
Clean living is your only out if the 'one drug leads to another because of this or that'
That's mental trap, cycle, down the same path through different roads.
All to the same place. Nowhere town, down Despair road.
Sucks, but be aware of that.
Needless to say I did them all eventually, but alcohol hooked me.
I do not believe pot is a gateway drug. That's too simple. All forms of drugs are gateway drugs. Even caffeine.
I did smoke pot for months and want more more, and that was my only hook at the time.
Clean living is your only out if the 'one drug leads to another because of this or that'
That's mental trap, cycle, down the same path through different roads.
All to the same place. Nowhere town, down Despair road.
Sucks, but be aware of that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Originally Posted by br0k3ns0u1 
Tired enough - yea and you wouldn't believe what I do on them. That's really playing on my mind now
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
A week is a good goal. I don't think you'll know your sober self at a week though. I was having a really hard time at one week and life was relatively bleak. If I had considered that to be my sober self, I wouldn't have wanted to carry on sober. It got so much better that trying to express it in words does not do justice. But it took much longer than one week to get there. I wish that I had done it sooner in my life because it never got easier and I didn't "grow out" of it like I always hoped I would.
I too grew up in fear - from 5 - 16 years old anyway. My step dad was a violent alcoholic who ruled our household like a dictator. I was shamed and threatened and did all I could to isolate myself from the family and hide in my room or sneak out to spend time with friends. Pot was a natural transition. As an adult I became known as "always happy" and was told I was the most energetic person ever. I was perfect for all sorts of customer service, marketing and PR positions. I never displeased anyone, very diplomatic. I learned early on that if people are not happy with you, there can be scary consequences.
It's not all grim though. I am a naturally happy person, just that I had a side no-one saw - every night stoned out of my head getting some major down-time. I think that while weed may have worked for blotting out the pain in the beginning, it really just allowed all those negative thoughts to continue. Once I quit, the negative thoughts loosened their grip and I felt more confident and content.
These posts get really long but I always have so much to say! Last thing - what really helped me was when people told me NOT to focus on all the horrid emotions/memories that came flooding back in the first few weeks of quitting. They said I could work on those later - for now just focus on getting through each day without drugs.
I too grew up in fear - from 5 - 16 years old anyway. My step dad was a violent alcoholic who ruled our household like a dictator. I was shamed and threatened and did all I could to isolate myself from the family and hide in my room or sneak out to spend time with friends. Pot was a natural transition. As an adult I became known as "always happy" and was told I was the most energetic person ever. I was perfect for all sorts of customer service, marketing and PR positions. I never displeased anyone, very diplomatic. I learned early on that if people are not happy with you, there can be scary consequences.
It's not all grim though. I am a naturally happy person, just that I had a side no-one saw - every night stoned out of my head getting some major down-time. I think that while weed may have worked for blotting out the pain in the beginning, it really just allowed all those negative thoughts to continue. Once I quit, the negative thoughts loosened their grip and I felt more confident and content.
These posts get really long but I always have so much to say! Last thing - what really helped me was when people told me NOT to focus on all the horrid emotions/memories that came flooding back in the first few weeks of quitting. They said I could work on those later - for now just focus on getting through each day without drugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 30
Hey Wacky, your story seems a lot like mine. I ran way from my family at 18. I studied hard and that really has set me up. At that time I felt pretty good about things, I was living the dream (away from Mum) and taking positive action. At this point I genuinely believed that i did not need a single person. Although I knew lots of people there was a distance between us, and unfortunately for me, I don't think I've had true friend since before I was 18, and as for girlfriend I haven't even tried.
Like you, I would lock my bedroom door and sneak out to hang out with older kids - thats when I started smoking weed. I think I was 15 and getting high with a bunch of people made me feel like i belonged. Shortly after I started going to illegal field raves taking rave drugs every now and then. At 17 I started paying attention at school and I took a decision to stop associating with the people I was. It wasn't until I was 23 I started smoking weed again, but not regularly. This coincided with me deciding to live alone, still on the whole I don't need anyone vibe.
I started smoking weed more regularly again at 25. It was August. I was off uni, had no studying/things to keep me occupied, and I was incredibly bored. That summer i smoked almost everyday but I stopped when I went back to uni (it was my final year). After finals all I did was get stoned until I started working. At this point I would smoke at weekends and then that turned into most evenings. I managed to quit for a month or two here and there but I always went back to it.
I feel so pathetic even writing this, but around June 2011 I felt so empty. I was a new doctor with new responsibilities (I was really just a walking/talking filling cabinet), trying to decide on which speciality to choose, worried about the massive competition involved (esp because I wanted to, and do, work in London). At the same time, the novelty of work was starting to fade. At first I would get home and there would be tonnes for me to read/learn. With time this became less the case and I had literally nothing to do. The contrast between my work life, where I felt in demand and valued, and my outside life, where there was nothing and no one, was getting difficult to deal with. For the first time in a long time I wanted someone to share my life with, but after years of isolating, I had no idea what to do. I saw a TV programme with Michael Pallin in which he took ******** for "spiritual enlightens". I wasn't quite sure what the problem was but I thought that ******** would help. I guess it did in a way.
Those uncomfortable, contrasting daily experiences stayed with me. I started an intense rotation (EM) working an awful rota. I think it was January 2012... I needed to manipulate a broken wrist. Despite a good nerve block the patient was anxious so I decided to give her 3mg of morphine. I put the remaining morphine in my pocket without realising finding it when I got home. It sat at home for a week or two. That was my first taste of opaites. I was underwhelmed and just fell asleep. A few months later I hurt my shoulder and got some codeine. It made me feel amazing! It took a longtime to work out what opiates were doing to me- they take away my anxieties.. That uncomfortable contrast, is even more intense now. When someone is about to die I get called. I either save them, make them comfortable and let them die or sometimes with the best intentions, prolong their suffering. In doing so I lead a team, work with loads of people, and do something really important. As soon as I leave work there is nothing and nobody. Opiates allow me to forget that and that makes me happy. Instead of talking to someone and being preoccupied, I'm there, I connect to random people, and I just really love that.
Im in the 4th month of my new rotation. Lots of people keep asking if I'm married and I even got an offer to be match-makered today. People like me. They tend to think I'm smarter than I really am, and that I'm generally calm and together (if only they new). I'm good with my words and no how to influence people. Despite knowing this, I feel almost invisible outside of work.
I've spent so long running and people-pleasing, it's all i know how to do. I really want to meet someone but how do I explain I'm a 30 year old guy who has no friends, family or relationship experience, who also used drugs? How would I even deal with a relationship of any description? Would I be a good friend?
Like you, I would lock my bedroom door and sneak out to hang out with older kids - thats when I started smoking weed. I think I was 15 and getting high with a bunch of people made me feel like i belonged. Shortly after I started going to illegal field raves taking rave drugs every now and then. At 17 I started paying attention at school and I took a decision to stop associating with the people I was. It wasn't until I was 23 I started smoking weed again, but not regularly. This coincided with me deciding to live alone, still on the whole I don't need anyone vibe.
I started smoking weed more regularly again at 25. It was August. I was off uni, had no studying/things to keep me occupied, and I was incredibly bored. That summer i smoked almost everyday but I stopped when I went back to uni (it was my final year). After finals all I did was get stoned until I started working. At this point I would smoke at weekends and then that turned into most evenings. I managed to quit for a month or two here and there but I always went back to it.
I feel so pathetic even writing this, but around June 2011 I felt so empty. I was a new doctor with new responsibilities (I was really just a walking/talking filling cabinet), trying to decide on which speciality to choose, worried about the massive competition involved (esp because I wanted to, and do, work in London). At the same time, the novelty of work was starting to fade. At first I would get home and there would be tonnes for me to read/learn. With time this became less the case and I had literally nothing to do. The contrast between my work life, where I felt in demand and valued, and my outside life, where there was nothing and no one, was getting difficult to deal with. For the first time in a long time I wanted someone to share my life with, but after years of isolating, I had no idea what to do. I saw a TV programme with Michael Pallin in which he took ******** for "spiritual enlightens". I wasn't quite sure what the problem was but I thought that ******** would help. I guess it did in a way.
Those uncomfortable, contrasting daily experiences stayed with me. I started an intense rotation (EM) working an awful rota. I think it was January 2012... I needed to manipulate a broken wrist. Despite a good nerve block the patient was anxious so I decided to give her 3mg of morphine. I put the remaining morphine in my pocket without realising finding it when I got home. It sat at home for a week or two. That was my first taste of opaites. I was underwhelmed and just fell asleep. A few months later I hurt my shoulder and got some codeine. It made me feel amazing! It took a longtime to work out what opiates were doing to me- they take away my anxieties.. That uncomfortable contrast, is even more intense now. When someone is about to die I get called. I either save them, make them comfortable and let them die or sometimes with the best intentions, prolong their suffering. In doing so I lead a team, work with loads of people, and do something really important. As soon as I leave work there is nothing and nobody. Opiates allow me to forget that and that makes me happy. Instead of talking to someone and being preoccupied, I'm there, I connect to random people, and I just really love that.
Im in the 4th month of my new rotation. Lots of people keep asking if I'm married and I even got an offer to be match-makered today. People like me. They tend to think I'm smarter than I really am, and that I'm generally calm and together (if only they new). I'm good with my words and no how to influence people. Despite knowing this, I feel almost invisible outside of work.
I've spent so long running and people-pleasing, it's all i know how to do. I really want to meet someone but how do I explain I'm a 30 year old guy who has no friends, family or relationship experience, who also used drugs? How would I even deal with a relationship of any description? Would I be a good friend?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 30
Hi Soberwolf
Well done on getting to 18 months��. I wanted to ask what meetings are like and how they helped you. Are you friends with members of the group?
Today was day 1. I was so tempted today but I held out. I felt weed anxiety today but it eased as the day went on. Here's hoping day 2.
Well done on getting to 18 months��. I wanted to ask what meetings are like and how they helped you. Are you friends with members of the group?
Today was day 1. I was so tempted today but I held out. I felt weed anxiety today but it eased as the day went on. Here's hoping day 2.
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