I need help with my adult son - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read





Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-07-2015, 03:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 5

I need help with my adult son


Yesterday was my son's 25th birthday. He lives in my house rent free. I drive him around, because he doesn't have a license. He is a chef and has 2 jobs, both of which are in the city and we live in the suburbs. He has a 5 yo daughter that doesn't live with us. He used to get her once a week. For the past several months, it's been once a month or less. He doesn't pay child support. He does pay his multiple fines.

I've told him before that if he gets drunk to the point of hurting someone, namely me or my other son, or destroying the house, he has to go. Last night he got that drunk again. He put a dozen holes in the walls of my basement, where he is living. When I tried to stop him, he started threatening me. My other son got him calmed down.

I can't handle this on my own. I can't live with him anymore. Yet, I don't have the strength for tough love and I worry about where he would go. He's alienated family and most of his friends. When he was younger I sent him to a boot camp, a half-way house, AA, Drug & Alcohol clinic and general counseling. He's been in jail for alcohol and drug related offenses more times than I care to count. I've tried to get him to get help when he's sober. He doesn't drink everyday, but when he does drink, he binges and often can't control himself.

I know that I'm a big part of the problem by letting him live here for free, providing him food and transportation to and from work. I also know that I need help in dealing with this. I no longer have the strength to deal with this.

A bit about me ...
I've been a single mom for 18 years. My son's dad moved out of state and started a new family. Other than a few visits and phone calls, he's not in the picture. 11 years ago I was diagnosed with a disabling illness. I've been in and out of the hospital and it's all I can do to keep going from day to day. We live in a house that used to be nice. It's getting destroyed. I've lost all of my friends, because they couldn't stand to see what I go through with my son. My family lives far away, except for my elderly mother who needs her own help. I'm her care giver.

I've got to get him out of my house. I can't help him anymore. I don't know where to turn. I don't know who I can call in my area that can help. I just know that I can't do this on my own any longer.

redrosesdz is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to redrosesdz For This Useful Post:
chicory (01-07-2015), Tonymblue (01-07-2015)
Old 01-07-2015, 04:16 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,364
Blog Entries: 1
Redrosesdz,

My heart hurts for what you are going through, and have been for a long time.

You cannot let him ruin your house, health, and life. I can understand your feelings ...I truly do. But when it comes to them being destructive, a line must be drawn, in my opinion.
If you must, you can call police about him threatening you, or damaging your home. If he spends time in jail, so be it. He is terrorizing you when he does this, and that is unacceptable. Perhaps you could speak to the judge or his lawyer and get it mandated that he get mental help.. counselling, insist he go to AA or be out, or a half way house if they will take him. He might very well do better if he has to mentally figure these things out on his own. And you could have your life back, because I know you want that.

Are you going to Al-anon, and do you have one in your area? Counselling for yourself would be a good idea, as I had to do the same.

It sounds like he could use some therapy as well. Could you insist he do so, basically "or else'? sometimes their mental issues must be addresses, as well as not drinking.

you should not have to live a prisoner in your own home. He would probably manage if he had to do so.

big hugs to you. we have a lot of mama's who understand your dilema, and who have done some awesome work to get their peace back.

keep posting!
hugs
chicory
chicory is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to chicory For This Useful Post:
IOAA2 (01-07-2015), redrosesdz (01-07-2015)
Old 01-07-2015, 04:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,699
Hi and welcome.

I feel your pain of the complications in your life.
I warn you you’re likley not going to go willingly on the path of for you’re sanity. Right now I suggest you go to Friends and Families in the forum page on this site.
Also as stated above Al- Anon in your area is a God send for what your going through. I lovingly call them the black belts on recovery, particularly for the family.

I wish you best of times on this new journey but if this path is chosen much sanity is restored.
I know what your doing and feeling is mothers instinct but it’s not doing him any favors.

BE WELL
__________________
AA IS NOT A SENTENCE, ITíS A REPRIEVE.

ALCOHOL-ISM= INCREDIBLE SHORT MEMORY.

I CAME FOR MY DRINKING AND STAYED FOR MY THINKING.

WE ARE NOT FAILING AS LONG AS WE KEEP TRYING.

WHAT I USED TO CALL BOREDOM I NOW CALL SERENITY.
IOAA2 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to IOAA2 For This Useful Post:
redrosesdz (01-07-2015)
Old 01-07-2015, 05:00 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Db1105's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: De
Posts: 1,300
Please contact your local Al-Anon group.
Db1105 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Db1105 For This Useful Post:
chicory (01-07-2015), Fly N Buy (01-07-2015), IOAA2 (01-07-2015), redrosesdz (01-07-2015), sugarbear1 (01-07-2015)
Old 01-07-2015, 06:04 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 5
I didn't even think about al-anon. Thank you for the suggestion!! There's a meeting tonight @6. It says that it is a "literature meeting." I'm going to go.

Is it OK to post the same message in the Friends and Family section?
redrosesdz is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to redrosesdz For This Useful Post:
chicory (01-07-2015), Fly N Buy (01-07-2015)
Old 01-07-2015, 06:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,699
Quote:
Originally Posted by redrosesdz View Post
i didn't even think about al-anon. Thank you for the suggestion!! There's a meeting tonight @6. It says that it is a "literature meeting." i'm going to go.

Is it ok to post the same message in the friends and family section?


yes!
__________________
AA IS NOT A SENTENCE, ITíS A REPRIEVE.

ALCOHOL-ISM= INCREDIBLE SHORT MEMORY.

I CAME FOR MY DRINKING AND STAYED FOR MY THINKING.

WE ARE NOT FAILING AS LONG AS WE KEEP TRYING.

WHAT I USED TO CALL BOREDOM I NOW CALL SERENITY.
IOAA2 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to IOAA2 For This Useful Post:
redrosesdz (01-07-2015)
Old 01-07-2015, 10:13 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
PurpleKnight's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,837
Welcome to the Forum!!

You'll find loads of support here, and as also suggested Al-anon is a great place too!!
PurpleKnight is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to PurpleKnight For This Useful Post:
Fly N Buy (01-07-2015), redrosesdz (01-07-2015)
Old 01-07-2015, 10:17 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kiel WI
Posts: 221
I wish I could give you a big hug Roses,but we know that wouldn't help that much.Sounds like your son needs some real help.Sadly he's got youth working against him.I didn't get sober til I was 52.Oh how I wish I could sit him down & talk to him.He needs help but dragging a young person to a facility often only makes them resent the very system that's trying to help him.I know because it was me 25 yrs ago.By God's own grace I still have a home & a loving family,any other woman would have left me a long time ago.Please show him this post,Please tell him that people who have never met him care about him & his mother.I'll be praying for you both.Mike
headcase1 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to headcase1 For This Useful Post:
chicory (01-07-2015), JanieJ (01-07-2015), redrosesdz (01-07-2015)
Old 01-07-2015, 11:19 AM   #9 (permalink)
Try your best.. eventually you'll get it
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 66,471
Blog Entries: 4
Quote:
Originally Posted by chicory View Post
Redrosesdz,

My heart hurts for what you are going through, and have been for a long time.

You cannot let him ruin your house, health, and life. I can understand your feelings ...I truly do. But when it comes to them being destructive, a line must be drawn, in my opinion.
If you must, you can call police about him threatening you, or damaging your home. If he spends time in jail, so be it. He is terrorizing you when he does this, and that is unacceptable. Perhaps you could speak to the judge or his lawyer and get it mandated that he get mental help.. counselling, insist he go to AA or be out, or a half way house if they will take him. He might very well do better if he has to mentally figure these things out on his own. And you could have your life back, because I know you want that.

Are you going to Al-anon, and do you have one in your area? Counselling for yourself would be a good idea, as I had to do the same.

It sounds like he could use some therapy as well. Could you insist he do so, basically "or else'? sometimes their mental issues must be addresses, as well as not drinking.

you should not have to live a prisoner in your own home. He would probably manage if he had to do so.

big hugs to you. we have a lot of mama's who understand your dilema, and who have done some awesome work to get their peace back.

keep posting!
hugs
chicory
This
Soberwolf is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Soberwolf For This Useful Post:
chicory (01-07-2015), redrosesdz (01-07-2015)
Old 01-07-2015, 12:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 5
Soberwolf, I found that John Lennon saying last year in a quote falls puzzle and cried when I first read it. It's such a beautiful quote! Thank you!
redrosesdz is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to redrosesdz For This Useful Post:
chicory (01-07-2015)
Old 01-07-2015, 01:25 PM   #11 (permalink)
Life is an unlikely miracle.
 
JanieJ's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,862
Blog Entries: 7
Redroses ((()))

I feel for you -I'm also a single mother and my son was also like that. I got him housed by the local authority in a flat near me in the end. Took 18 months but he is out now. He was smashing his own flat up for a while and then realised he had to fix it. The police came by because he was making so much noise, apparantly.

I couldn't stand the stress of my own son threatening me. He's been gone about six years now. He's 28 and still smoking a lot of weed, but he has given up the drink. He has improved. I see him frequently and we get on fine.

You've done what you can for him. Get him out, hun. xx
__________________
Stop trying to leave, and you will arrive.
Stop seeking, and you will see.
Stop running away, and you will be found.
-Lao Tzu.
JanieJ is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to JanieJ For This Useful Post:
chicory (01-07-2015), headcase1 (01-07-2015), redrosesdz (01-07-2015)
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:56 PM.