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-   -   I need help with my adult son (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/355812-i-need-help-my-adult-son.html)

redrosesdz 01-07-2015 03:54 AM

I need help with my adult son
 
Yesterday was my son's 25th birthday. He lives in my house rent free. I drive him around, because he doesn't have a license. He is a chef and has 2 jobs, both of which are in the city and we live in the suburbs. He has a 5 yo daughter that doesn't live with us. He used to get her once a week. For the past several months, it's been once a month or less. He doesn't pay child support. He does pay his multiple fines.

I've told him before that if he gets drunk to the point of hurting someone, namely me or my other son, or destroying the house, he has to go. Last night he got that drunk again. He put a dozen holes in the walls of my basement, where he is living. When I tried to stop him, he started threatening me. My other son got him calmed down.

I can't handle this on my own. I can't live with him anymore. Yet, I don't have the strength for tough love and I worry about where he would go. He's alienated family and most of his friends. When he was younger I sent him to a boot camp, a half-way house, AA, Drug & Alcohol clinic and general counseling. He's been in jail for alcohol and drug related offenses more times than I care to count. I've tried to get him to get help when he's sober. He doesn't drink everyday, but when he does drink, he binges and often can't control himself.

I know that I'm a big part of the problem by letting him live here for free, providing him food and transportation to and from work. I also know that I need help in dealing with this. I no longer have the strength to deal with this.

A bit about me ...
I've been a single mom for 18 years. My son's dad moved out of state and started a new family. Other than a few visits and phone calls, he's not in the picture. 11 years ago I was diagnosed with a disabling illness. I've been in and out of the hospital and it's all I can do to keep going from day to day. We live in a house that used to be nice. It's getting destroyed. I've lost all of my friends, because they couldn't stand to see what I go through with my son. My family lives far away, except for my elderly mother who needs her own help. I'm her care giver.

I've got to get him out of my house. I can't help him anymore. I don't know where to turn. I don't know who I can call in my area that can help. I just know that I can't do this on my own any longer.

:a108:

chicory 01-07-2015 04:16 AM

Redrosesdz,

My heart hurts for what you are going through, and have been for a long time.

You cannot let him ruin your house, health, and life. I can understand your feelings ...I truly do. But when it comes to them being destructive, a line must be drawn, in my opinion.
If you must, you can call police about him threatening you, or damaging your home. If he spends time in jail, so be it. He is terrorizing you when he does this, and that is unacceptable. Perhaps you could speak to the judge or his lawyer and get it mandated that he get mental help.. counselling, insist he go to AA or be out, or a half way house if they will take him. He might very well do better if he has to mentally figure these things out on his own. And you could have your life back, because I know you want that.

Are you going to Al-anon, and do you have one in your area? Counselling for yourself would be a good idea, as I had to do the same.

It sounds like he could use some therapy as well. Could you insist he do so, basically "or else'? sometimes their mental issues must be addresses, as well as not drinking.

you should not have to live a prisoner in your own home. He would probably manage if he had to do so.

big hugs to you. we have a lot of mama's who understand your dilema, and who have done some awesome work to get their peace back.

keep posting!
hugs
chicory

IOAA2 01-07-2015 04:55 AM

Hi and welcome.

I feel your pain of the complications in your life.
I warn you you’re likley not going to go willingly on the path of for you’re sanity. Right now I suggest you go to Friends and Families in the forum page on this site.
Also as stated above Al- Anon in your area is a God send for what your going through. I lovingly call them the black belts on recovery, particularly for the family.

I wish you best of times on this new journey but if this path is chosen much sanity is restored.
I know what your doing and feeling is mothers instinct but it’s not doing him any favors.

BE WELL

Db1105 01-07-2015 05:00 AM

Please contact your local Al-Anon group.

redrosesdz 01-07-2015 06:04 AM

I didn't even think about al-anon. Thank you for the suggestion!! There's a meeting tonight @6. It says that it is a "literature meeting." I'm going to go.

Is it OK to post the same message in the Friends and Family section?

IOAA2 01-07-2015 06:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redrosesdz (Post 5122511)
i didn't even think about al-anon. Thank you for the suggestion!! There's a meeting tonight @6. It says that it is a "literature meeting." i'm going to go.

Is it ok to post the same message in the friends and family section?



yes!

PurpleKnight 01-07-2015 10:13 AM

Welcome to the Forum!!

You'll find loads of support here, and as also suggested Al-anon is a great place too!! :)

headcase1 01-07-2015 10:17 AM

I wish I could give you a big hug Roses,but we know that wouldn't help that much.Sounds like your son needs some real help.Sadly he's got youth working against him.I didn't get sober til I was 52.Oh how I wish I could sit him down & talk to him.He needs help but dragging a young person to a facility often only makes them resent the very system that's trying to help him.I know because it was me 25 yrs ago.By God's own grace I still have a home & a loving family,any other woman would have left me a long time ago.Please show him this post,Please tell him that people who have never met him care about him & his mother.I'll be praying for you both.Mike

Soberwolf 01-07-2015 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chicory (Post 5122392)
Redrosesdz,

My heart hurts for what you are going through, and have been for a long time.

You cannot let him ruin your house, health, and life. I can understand your feelings ...I truly do. But when it comes to them being destructive, a line must be drawn, in my opinion.
If you must, you can call police about him threatening you, or damaging your home. If he spends time in jail, so be it. He is terrorizing you when he does this, and that is unacceptable. Perhaps you could speak to the judge or his lawyer and get it mandated that he get mental help.. counselling, insist he go to AA or be out, or a half way house if they will take him. He might very well do better if he has to mentally figure these things out on his own. And you could have your life back, because I know you want that.

Are you going to Al-anon, and do you have one in your area? Counselling for yourself would be a good idea, as I had to do the same.

It sounds like he could use some therapy as well. Could you insist he do so, basically "or else'? sometimes their mental issues must be addresses, as well as not drinking.

you should not have to live a prisoner in your own home. He would probably manage if he had to do so.

big hugs to you. we have a lot of mama's who understand your dilema, and who have done some awesome work to get their peace back.

keep posting!
hugs
chicory

This

redrosesdz 01-07-2015 12:38 PM

Soberwolf, I found that John Lennon saying last year in a quote falls puzzle and cried when I first read it. It's such a beautiful quote! Thank you!

JanieJ 01-07-2015 01:25 PM

Redroses ((()))

I feel for you -I'm also a single mother and my son was also like that. I got him housed by the local authority in a flat near me in the end. Took 18 months but he is out now. He was smashing his own flat up for a while and then realised he had to fix it. The police came by because he was making so much noise, apparantly.

I couldn't stand the stress of my own son threatening me. He's been gone about six years now. He's 28 and still smoking a lot of weed, but he has given up the drink. He has improved. I see him frequently and we get on fine.

You've done what you can for him. Get him out, hun. xx


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