Back to where I was
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
Originally Posted by Calitano 
Good going Cauliflower.
I stopped drinking late last year, and it's only now I'm realizing how the way I was living was like driving with the handbrake on. With a fairly sizable self help book collection weighing the trunk down too
The relief and shock when I realized were both staggering.
I stopped drinking late last year, and it's only now I'm realizing how the way I was living was like driving with the handbrake on. With a fairly sizable self help book collection weighing the trunk down too
The relief and shock when I realized were both staggering.
Thanks everyone. Today was a good day, even squeezed in a bike ride with my son after dinner.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
The storm....
I have decided to continue my journal here, online. It kills me to think how much pain I will cause my family if someone stumbles upon my journal and reads what I have been doing to destroy my life. The betrayal will be just too much to handle.
I was just sitting outside.
It was so serene I was going to meditate on it out there.
I was thinking how beautiful everything was. How calm the lake looked. How calm I felt, even under the gray sky. I noticed the clouds moving in and it was literally the calm before the storm. I actually watched the storm move in over the lake, and was astounded how quickly it moved, I heard the rain and felt the wind coming before the storm arrived on my deck. It blew over quickly, but I watched it coming, and it reminded me that I could feel the storm of alcoholism coming to take over my life.
I know alcoholism is a progressive disease which spreads like a wildfire, and if not put out, it will eventually kill you. I knew it for a long time, yet I was watching myself drink more and more. I was a closet alcoholic, I really don’t think anyone really knew how much I was drinking. Once, my husband mentioned something to me about my drinking, it only drove me to be more secretive, to plan better, to hide it better, to cover my tracks more diligently. We sneaky alcoholics get pretty good at our craft, until we can’t hide it any more. I was always disappointed when my husband turned down invitations for a night cap from friends after a night out, but when we came home, after he went to bed I would secretly uncork a bottle of wine and drink it all. The bottle would be stashed, the glass washed or hidden and I would stumble to bed. Sometimes, I would do all that without even remembering doing it. Numerous times I woke up in a panic. Do I have my Pj’s on? Where is the freaking empty bottle!!? In my case, the cat was never let out of the bag so to speak. I quit before I did anymore damage to myself and to my family.
The planning to drink was another red flag, When the kids were busy in hockey, I would never drink and drive (thanks God!), but I would plan to drink the day before their hockey games, and attend with a flaming hangover. Looking at the calendar became a when can I drink planner, as opposed to a busy family planner. I used to get so mad at myself for being hung over on a Wednesday, who drinks in the middle of week?
I compared myself to my late mother, at her decline into the depths of alcoholism. Using her decline as a ruler to my own decline, I would say, “Well, this happened when she was in her late 40s and I’m only this, so I can’t be that”, sort of thing. I knew I was an alcoholic for a long time but never stopped. I don’t think most alcoholics stop once they realize they are in trouble, when the big ah-ha moment hits them over the head like a ton of bricks.
The more time I spend on SR, the more clear it becomes to me that I dodged bullet. So many of us are suffering immensely, and having a hard time with quitting, and it breaks my heart. I am stopping before the drink takes over physically. Because it will. Eventually, my body will become dependant on the drink, and the horrible effects of withdrawal (the ultimate hangover) will take over.
I am grateful to be here, and I am grateful to all those who offer support.
To those who are struggling right along with me, my only advice it to watch that storm coming, and take note. Watch for the signs, you can hear it! Listen, and take cover while you can. I know I have to watch out for the storm and keep my guard up. It’s been 16 days since my last drink and I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind
I was just sitting outside.
It was so serene I was going to meditate on it out there.
I was thinking how beautiful everything was. How calm the lake looked. How calm I felt, even under the gray sky. I noticed the clouds moving in and it was literally the calm before the storm. I actually watched the storm move in over the lake, and was astounded how quickly it moved, I heard the rain and felt the wind coming before the storm arrived on my deck. It blew over quickly, but I watched it coming, and it reminded me that I could feel the storm of alcoholism coming to take over my life.
I know alcoholism is a progressive disease which spreads like a wildfire, and if not put out, it will eventually kill you. I knew it for a long time, yet I was watching myself drink more and more. I was a closet alcoholic, I really don’t think anyone really knew how much I was drinking. Once, my husband mentioned something to me about my drinking, it only drove me to be more secretive, to plan better, to hide it better, to cover my tracks more diligently. We sneaky alcoholics get pretty good at our craft, until we can’t hide it any more. I was always disappointed when my husband turned down invitations for a night cap from friends after a night out, but when we came home, after he went to bed I would secretly uncork a bottle of wine and drink it all. The bottle would be stashed, the glass washed or hidden and I would stumble to bed. Sometimes, I would do all that without even remembering doing it. Numerous times I woke up in a panic. Do I have my Pj’s on? Where is the freaking empty bottle!!? In my case, the cat was never let out of the bag so to speak. I quit before I did anymore damage to myself and to my family.
The planning to drink was another red flag, When the kids were busy in hockey, I would never drink and drive (thanks God!), but I would plan to drink the day before their hockey games, and attend with a flaming hangover. Looking at the calendar became a when can I drink planner, as opposed to a busy family planner. I used to get so mad at myself for being hung over on a Wednesday, who drinks in the middle of week?
I compared myself to my late mother, at her decline into the depths of alcoholism. Using her decline as a ruler to my own decline, I would say, “Well, this happened when she was in her late 40s and I’m only this, so I can’t be that”, sort of thing. I knew I was an alcoholic for a long time but never stopped. I don’t think most alcoholics stop once they realize they are in trouble, when the big ah-ha moment hits them over the head like a ton of bricks.
The more time I spend on SR, the more clear it becomes to me that I dodged bullet. So many of us are suffering immensely, and having a hard time with quitting, and it breaks my heart. I am stopping before the drink takes over physically. Because it will. Eventually, my body will become dependant on the drink, and the horrible effects of withdrawal (the ultimate hangover) will take over.
I am grateful to be here, and I am grateful to all those who offer support.
To those who are struggling right along with me, my only advice it to watch that storm coming, and take note. Watch for the signs, you can hear it! Listen, and take cover while you can. I know I have to watch out for the storm and keep my guard up. It’s been 16 days since my last drink and I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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A terrific post - I'm glad you're so self aware Cauliflower. Wish I had been. I had all the same behavior, same warning signs. I simply couldn't let go of the idea that drinking could be fun & manageable if I just tried harder to control it. Of course that never happened. I continued until I was completely dependent on it - terrible things happened that need never have.
Proud of you for reaching 16 sober days.
Proud of you for reaching 16 sober days.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
Today is day 17, wow! The days are getting easier as I move into acceptance. Acceptance of a new life without alcohol. We all have to get there in order to become successful. I now have to take charge and accept responsibility for my life. I am trying hard to stay positive, because I know negative thinking will only drive me towards drinking, as it has in the past.
Yesterday was such a downer for me though, I let my emotions take over and turn to remorse and sadness. I examined HALT and recognized hunger, anger, loneliness, and tiredness, all at once!. No wonder I was literally curled up in a tight little ball. I had a bite to eat and then watched some TV. Ellen is a godsend. I love her enthusiasm! And she really makes me laugh out loud, just what I needed. A little side note, about her show yesterday. One of her guests was a man who is suffering from ALS and it really got me thinking. Here he is, newly married, brand new house, and carrying on with his life, with this debilitating disease; he is trying hard to fight it, but there is no cure at this moment for ALS, but he is fighting. I sat there and it hit me that I have a cure for my so called disease, alcoholism; whether or not it’s a disease is to be determined, but I think not. But if it is, my cure is to just not drink, its easy. I’m sure this man with ALS wishes his cure was purely in his control. I am responsible for my own health, and I intend to take care of myself from now on. We only have one life, and it’s going to be a good one!
My husband came home the other day with a new cell phone case, and he bought one for me as well. It’s perfect. It say’s “Live the Life you Love”, and I fully intend to!
Yesterday was such a downer for me though, I let my emotions take over and turn to remorse and sadness. I examined HALT and recognized hunger, anger, loneliness, and tiredness, all at once!. No wonder I was literally curled up in a tight little ball. I had a bite to eat and then watched some TV. Ellen is a godsend. I love her enthusiasm! And she really makes me laugh out loud, just what I needed. A little side note, about her show yesterday. One of her guests was a man who is suffering from ALS and it really got me thinking. Here he is, newly married, brand new house, and carrying on with his life, with this debilitating disease; he is trying hard to fight it, but there is no cure at this moment for ALS, but he is fighting. I sat there and it hit me that I have a cure for my so called disease, alcoholism; whether or not it’s a disease is to be determined, but I think not. But if it is, my cure is to just not drink, its easy. I’m sure this man with ALS wishes his cure was purely in his control. I am responsible for my own health, and I intend to take care of myself from now on. We only have one life, and it’s going to be a good one!
My husband came home the other day with a new cell phone case, and he bought one for me as well. It’s perfect. It say’s “Live the Life you Love”, and I fully intend to!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,323
I find acceptance is the key.
I accept that i can't drink safely.
I accept that i can't drink for the next 24 hours.
I start each day by telling myself these 2 things, and accepting them.
And telling myself and another human being (i.e my sponsor) that nothing will change my mind. Just for today.
I'm 4 months sober as a result of it. I can sense the resolve in your posts. Take it day by day and you'll do well.
Good luck to you.
I accept that i can't drink safely.
I accept that i can't drink for the next 24 hours.
I start each day by telling myself these 2 things, and accepting them.
And telling myself and another human being (i.e my sponsor) that nothing will change my mind. Just for today.
I'm 4 months sober as a result of it. I can sense the resolve in your posts. Take it day by day and you'll do well.
Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
I probably had the best of the three sober weekends so far.
This is a good journey to be on. I am 45 years old and it’s time to own up to my self.
Only I can change my world, and I am ready. Yesterday was Mother’s Day in this part of the world, and it was good. For the first time in 6 years, I was not crippled in self pity, sadness, and remorse. I was able to reflect on how my mother tried her best in raising her children. I was able to be there for my children and grand-daughter, and accept fully their love and complete vulnerability. They depend on me so much, and I am so grateful for the next 40 years to be there one hundred percent.
Detox: I am not sure how long the toxin stay in my body, but I am working on getting healthy and cleansing my body of the poisons of alcohol. I have been making myself green smoothies every morning, consisting of spinach, lemon, celery, chia, and fruit. It’s supposed to help with the detoxification of the liver and other organs (heart, kidney, pancreas and brain). The damage is non-visible, but I know it’s there. The damage to my self esteem is more visible, and I am working on that too. I am going to look into perfecting a vitamin regimen suitable to my getting healthy. Last night I had a nice long bath with my detox sea salt mixture. I bought a jar of the sea salt stuff a few months ago and used it all up and my husband bought me a new jar for mother’s day. I kinda laughed to myself, thinking, yes, now I can really detox in the tub. I used to have a glass of wine (ok, a whole bottle, who am I kidding) while soaking in the tub. It was supposed to relax me, but I used to get out totally wasted and full of anxiety. Last night, I filled the tub, turned on the jets and soaked. I mixed up a jug of lemon water and was thoroughly relaxed, I mean truly, relaxed. What a wonderful way to end the day!
Depression: I read a post from a young lady here who was checking in after one year of sobriety. She is doing so well, and her voice was one of happiness, health, and relief. She touched on something that really got me thinking about myself. She said she did not realize how her drinking contributed to feelings of depression, which have all but disappeared since she quit drinking. Not too long ago, I felt horribly tired, sad and completely weighed down, like I was wearing cement boots! I thought of going to see my doctor and getting some advice, I figured I was suffering from depression. But now, when I look back, it was the after effect of years of drinking to suppress feeling. I am going to continue searching for answers, listening to myself, and learn to deal with the issues at hand. To me, they are loneliness, boredom and feeling of low self worth. I need to get mobile, and regain control of my life which was lost in the shuffle somewhere.
Onward! I am really getting anxious to start exercising regularly again…so time to get mobile.
Have a wonderful day everyone!
This is a good journey to be on. I am 45 years old and it’s time to own up to my self.
Only I can change my world, and I am ready. Yesterday was Mother’s Day in this part of the world, and it was good. For the first time in 6 years, I was not crippled in self pity, sadness, and remorse. I was able to reflect on how my mother tried her best in raising her children. I was able to be there for my children and grand-daughter, and accept fully their love and complete vulnerability. They depend on me so much, and I am so grateful for the next 40 years to be there one hundred percent.
Detox: I am not sure how long the toxin stay in my body, but I am working on getting healthy and cleansing my body of the poisons of alcohol. I have been making myself green smoothies every morning, consisting of spinach, lemon, celery, chia, and fruit. It’s supposed to help with the detoxification of the liver and other organs (heart, kidney, pancreas and brain). The damage is non-visible, but I know it’s there. The damage to my self esteem is more visible, and I am working on that too. I am going to look into perfecting a vitamin regimen suitable to my getting healthy. Last night I had a nice long bath with my detox sea salt mixture. I bought a jar of the sea salt stuff a few months ago and used it all up and my husband bought me a new jar for mother’s day. I kinda laughed to myself, thinking, yes, now I can really detox in the tub. I used to have a glass of wine (ok, a whole bottle, who am I kidding) while soaking in the tub. It was supposed to relax me, but I used to get out totally wasted and full of anxiety. Last night, I filled the tub, turned on the jets and soaked. I mixed up a jug of lemon water and was thoroughly relaxed, I mean truly, relaxed. What a wonderful way to end the day!
Depression: I read a post from a young lady here who was checking in after one year of sobriety. She is doing so well, and her voice was one of happiness, health, and relief. She touched on something that really got me thinking about myself. She said she did not realize how her drinking contributed to feelings of depression, which have all but disappeared since she quit drinking. Not too long ago, I felt horribly tired, sad and completely weighed down, like I was wearing cement boots! I thought of going to see my doctor and getting some advice, I figured I was suffering from depression. But now, when I look back, it was the after effect of years of drinking to suppress feeling. I am going to continue searching for answers, listening to myself, and learn to deal with the issues at hand. To me, they are loneliness, boredom and feeling of low self worth. I need to get mobile, and regain control of my life which was lost in the shuffle somewhere.
Onward! I am really getting anxious to start exercising regularly again…so time to get mobile.
Have a wonderful day everyone!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
Day 21! New habit formed.
Where does all the dust come from? I just finished cleaning my 9 year old son's room. He will be pleasantly surprised when he comes home from school today. I have to battle boredom and find things other then work to keep me busy. I mean, work is good, but it gets so boring. I work from home, and I seriously miss the interaction of a real office. But, at the same time, I love being home! I love working in my pajamas, and taking more breaks then I really should!
I am working on my plan and I need to stick to my daily goals:
1) Get Dressed Everyday (with the occasional pj days when it's cold and raining)
2) Eat a healthy breakfast or green smoothy.
3) Take vitamins
4) Drink at least 8 glasses of water everyday.
5) Have a 30 minute quick clean up plan in place to keep up with the housework.
6) Exercise
7) Have a healthy snack ready for the after school fridge / carb cupboard raid.
8) This will be my new hobby, I am thinking of taking up golf this summer. I have no friends, so it's a good time to make some! Or I can drag my son to the driving range with me. Yesterday he wanted to go fishing, so maybe we can do that too.
Where does all the dust come from? I just finished cleaning my 9 year old son's room. He will be pleasantly surprised when he comes home from school today. I have to battle boredom and find things other then work to keep me busy. I mean, work is good, but it gets so boring. I work from home, and I seriously miss the interaction of a real office. But, at the same time, I love being home! I love working in my pajamas, and taking more breaks then I really should!
I am working on my plan and I need to stick to my daily goals:
1) Get Dressed Everyday (with the occasional pj days when it's cold and raining)
2) Eat a healthy breakfast or green smoothy.
3) Take vitamins
4) Drink at least 8 glasses of water everyday.
5) Have a 30 minute quick clean up plan in place to keep up with the housework.
6) Exercise
7) Have a healthy snack ready for the after school fridge / carb cupboard raid.
8) This will be my new hobby, I am thinking of taking up golf this summer. I have no friends, so it's a good time to make some! Or I can drag my son to the driving range with me. Yesterday he wanted to go fishing, so maybe we can do that too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,374
WTG, Cauliflower! I love your enthusiasm and vigor. I wonder, working at home, did you drink all day long or were you able to limit it to later in the day? In drinking mode, if I had been in your shoes, I'd have been drinking all day long. Sipping away, thinking I was getting away with something but probably obvious as hell.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Fantastic job Cauli! I just caught up on your posts. Thanks for sharing, you really have a way with how you express your thoughts. It's great.
I can relate to a lot of what you went through / are going through and experiencing; the good and the bad.
You are doing a fantastic job. Keep it up!
I can relate to a lot of what you went through / are going through and experiencing; the good and the bad.
You are doing a fantastic job. Keep it up!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
Originally Posted by Cissy
WTG, Cauliflower! I love your enthusiasm and vigor. I wonder, working at home, did you drink all day long or were you able to limit it to later in the day? In drinking mode, if I had been in your shoes, I'd have been drinking all day long. Sipping away, thinking I was getting away with something but probably obvious as hell.
I was a night drinker. Once all the family responsibility was done I would drink. It got so bad, that my work was suffering, because I was so hungover nothing got done. I guess the frustration from my husband was real, and I was battling back with excuses . What triggered me was being home working all day and then the family comes home from school and work, and really not contribute to the home in anyway. Drove me nuts, still does, but I am putting my foot down, but in a much calmer way.
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