Serenidad

I need advice from anyone who can offer it. I've been going to AA and working with a sponsor for the past month. I drank again yesterday on day 29. :-(

I just don't know what to do from here. I know I am alway supporting AA here on SR but I'm starting to doubt & not really sure I believe what I say sometimes. :-( AA says "fake it til you make it" and to be honest...it's getting exhausting!

Going to AA meetings every day is sooo tiring and I'm having second thoughts about what is right for me. :-( When I was sober for 5.5 years I only went to AA for the first half of that. (Court ordered) Everyone from AA says "you relapsed because you stopped going to meetings". I didn't go for the last 3 years of the 5.5 years. I really don't know why I drank again after 5.5 years other than I wanted to "fit in" to my husbands and friends lives. Who knows?

I'm just so confused. My heart tells me one thing, my brain tells me another and AA tells me different.

Bottom line...I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and don't want it to be part of my life.

I am also very stubborn and don't want to be told what to do....by AA and a sponsor. I also have a problem with AA saying they are not religious yet every other word is God. I believe in God but hate the fact that Agnostics and Atheists are scared away. I also have a problem saying "hi! My name is Serenidad and I'm an alcoholic" every time I speak. Shouldn't that be obvious? I'm IN an AA meeting!!!

Lastly, listening to people talk about alcohol in every meeting seems to trigger me more than anything. Sometimes listening to their sob stories is enough to want to drink too.

I'm just lost. That's all there is to it.... :-(

P.S. Not that it matters but I've never been a daily drinker. That doesn't make me any less of an alcoholic. When I drink I drink 2-3 evenings per week and drank til was buzzed or drunk. I think I just want to numb my PTSD and feelings.

I don't know...I really don't. I started back to work today yesterday after one month off. I didn't drink when I wasn't working...then I started back to work and drank after I got off. Wtf?

Sorry to disappoint you all. I'm really disappointed in myself! :-( I just wish I could use SR alone every day as my recovery tool & go to the gym instead of AA. BUT....AA tells me without THEM, I will die. I'm so confused and scared!

Thx. :-(

Soberwolf

Serenidad acceptance is so key to this

Knowing what happens accepting that i cant drink safely or responsibly there is no point going down a dead end road and you know its a dead end road

My best advice is accept this Serenidad like really accept it if you were sober for 5.5 years then you must know life is better sober

its a choice and i choose not to drink i dont want to you couldnt give me all the money in the world to have a drink

I think you should also look at your recovery plan start doing more for your sobriety

you have done this before you can do it again

Kris47

Big Hug for you Serenidad.

Take it easy. You'll be okay. You messed up. Just start over.

Just don't pick up the first drink.

I understand how you may be feeling. When I went to AA for the first time I felt unsure. It did save me from myself though. Things happen. Just be honest. I commend you for being so honest with your feelings here. Your sponsor has heard this before. You can also get a new temporary sponsor if you need to. Give it a try, won't you? I wanted to yell at my sponsor a few times. Ultimately, she was really right. You are going through a difficult time. We all need to use all the modalities that are available to us to stay sober. SR is a great tool. you get what you put into any of these modalities. Gosh, you were doing so well. Just get back up. You are strong and you can quit again. Sending good vibes your way! We're With You! Talk to God in private. You'll figure it all out. Just hang in there.

FreeOwl

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I can hear the despair in your words. I'm sure this feels pretty hopeless and confusing.

As a reflection: it also feels like there is a great deal of resistance coming through in your words. It seems I can feel the resistance to 'God', the resistance to stating 'I am an alcoholic' the resistance to being told what to do.... To structure and requirements.

I can understand resistance because on looking back from acceptance I can see how I clung to it for so long. And even now I can consciously see myself resisting sometimes. I have at least progressed to a point I can usually recognize it quickly and make a choice to move back into acceptance.

The undertone I sense leads me to wonder: do you feel you are still fighting it? Do you feel there is yet room for you to let go? When you feel the pressure of pushing back, do you think you might make room to remind yourself 'I am willing to let go of my struggle against this ________ and be willing to accept it may help'?

More simply; do you believe that you have given in and chosen that life in sobriety is what you truly and deeply want?

If not... Can you focus on intending that daily and really returning to the simple why's of sobriety?

Also - you mentioned PTSD.... Are you seeking counseling for that? I can't recall... But that is likely to be an influence. You may find that working cognitively on those issues can help strengthen your sobriety.

Keep going. It sounds very painful and discouraging for you right now.... But please, keep going.

Serenidad

Thanks wolf. I'm just not sure WHAT recovery plan is good for "me". I need your help figuring that out. I would love to hear other peoples experiences and what has worked for them. Ty

FreeOwl

The one 'for you' is the one you are willing to give your all.

The most critical success factor of any plan is YOU.

You must be willing to do whatever it takes and to commit with your full being to the program.

Hawks

"I am also very stubborn and don't want to be told what to do....by AA and a sponsor."

To be blunt.

There's the problem right there.

No surrender

Find a group that believes in the steps, not meeting attendance.

Take em quick, less than a month.

See what happens.

2muchpain

I do believe that every alcoholic needs a sober plan if they are not going to end up six feet under. But as you already know, considering your past sobriety time, that plan can take many forms. I don't think there is a one size fits all plan. How did you manage to stay sober all that time without going to meetings? Are you still doing those things? For me, going to the gym is a big part of my plan for many reasons. Doing things that I've wanted to do but kept putting off because of fear is another important thing. Getting therapy is another. I also go to meetings. To be honest, anybody that tells me that I need to do it their way or die just turns me off, but then again, they might be right. I am still early into sobriety, so I'm probably not really qualified to give you the best advise but thought I'd share anyway. Hope you find a plan that works for YOU. John

Serenidad

To be honest FreeOwl, there is a huge part of me that still wonders if I am REALLY an alcoholic. Sounds so crazy when I think about it. I compare myself to others too much I guess.

Here's what my mind says:
1. You NEVER drank daily EVER
2. You NEVER drank in the morning EVER
3.

Lenina

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

Have you checked out AVRT and Rational Recovery? read the thread I posted and check out RR. The founder and author of the book is very Anti AA. To the point of the pathological but the theory is good and it works for me. Please, continue to go to AA and do your Step Work. And don't give up.

Love from Lenina

Serenidad

Sorry I accidently sent it before I was done: anyway...I just alway read about people on these week long binges and drinking 24/7 and compare myself.

I know...maybe those are all "yets" for me.

I drink to numb the pain of my past and anxiety. There is part of me that says "if you could just fix that crap...you wouldn't need alcohol!"

Sad, a lie, right?

Clementina

Hi Serenidad!

Some others might disagree but based on your list of things that bug you, it really sounds like AA might not be for you. You can't blame your relapse on that, and they can't blame it on your stopping going to meetings.

Recovery is personal and there is no one-size-fits-all recovery program. Personally I have never been to AA for all the reasons you mentioned (it scares me away too) but I know a lot of people swear by it. Whatever works for you! I don't like being told what to do either so it would really bug me if people tried to tell me what recovery strategies I should use.

Why not try just the site and the gym for awhile like you said? That's what I do and it's working so far. I'm not you but it sounds like that's what you really want.

Ultimately your sobriety is in YOUR hands.

I'm so happy you bounced right back. That's what matters most

FreeOwl

Well.... You're being honest. So that's good.

Here is what I began saying to those doubts;

'Even if I'm NOT "an alcoholic' - alcohol caused me more than enough problems and I want my life to be more. So I don't care whether I am or I'm not. I want to live sober.'

'I cherish life and I don't want to miss it. Real, genuine, non-modified LIFE'

'There is no test to prove whether anyone is or isn't an alcoholic. It doesn't actually matter, though. All through my life and in the lives of many many others I can see; alcohol causes more harm than good. I don't want or need it'

'I am a better human being, more in alignment with my soul, when I am sober'

Things like these are the messages I started playing in my self talk. Early on... They were a stretch. I sometimes didn't believe them. But as time and sobriety continued, I found more and more that I really could see the truth in them. I began to cherish sobriety, to see that it was actually the far greater way to live.

We have to work to effect a shift in our beliefs.

headcase1

You've got to believe in yourself,and don't let yourself off easy when you mess up.Decide in advance a plan that you can use instead of drinking too.

lulukat

Serinidad, This day, this hour, this minute you can start again on a sober life. There will be times it is hard--LIFE is hard at times. When times were tough when you were drinking---did drinking help the problems go away? I'm going out on a limb here and answering that myself."No" drinking doesn't help. I do not like some of the AA meetings or main people at those meetings I went to at first--so I found other ones. Have you told all of this to your sponsor? Told them your feelings and that you feel you just need some support, are struggling? If you feel you can't say these things to her---you need to find someone that you can. I know many people who do not believe in God--they have their own higher power and so the word "god" doesn't offend . Going to a meeting now but I'll check in here later. Or-Do a marathon posting session here for your support today . You are worth it and you can do this. Reach out Before reaching for the drink. Hugs

FreeOwl

I don't know if it is or it isn't.

For me.... As I began to fix 'that crap' I found that I actually no longer wanted alcohol.... And that a lot of 'thAt crap' has actually been FROM alcohol.

trachemys

That is your addictive voice talking. Try to get your rational mind to concentrate on one thing:

1. I don't drink.

Soberwolf

Hi Serenidad id definatly say your AV has been running the show that alone proves a problem

I was not only going AA in the beginning i went to group therapy 3 times a week where i learnt about my alcoholism done meditation and spoke to trained addiction staff who were in recovery themselves

i was seeing an alcoholic team in my local area arranged by my hospital

i started doing service at AA making teas set up putting chairs away at the end cleaning the tea kitchen afterwards etc

i bought & read literature 1.living sober 2. big book 3.i came to believe

i started to volenteer at my local hospital

I got involved in things relating to my sobriety i kept a journal i got out the house started doing things

Serenidad bottom line is you know can do this your asking for experience when you have experience of 5.5 years

Time to crush the AV with positivity reclaim your life Serenidad its yours

Tonks

Well, in my opinion, I think it's a truth. I subscribe to the belief that addiction and alcoholism are Symptoms in themselves and once the underlying issues are addressed (the pain of your past), the addiction can really be addressed whole-fully.

Have you ever considered counseling? In my personal experience I've found it greatly rewarding, albeit extremely hard at first. It opened up a lot of doors that I tried so hard to keep shut.

Yet it gave me the will to live again. Just something to think about.

SoberLeigh

Serenidad; hugs to you.

I would hate to see you give up on AA until you have completed all of the Steps giving it all you have. You have done so much work so far. I hope you see it through.

Lenina posted a great link. While I don't appreciate AA bashing or bashing any method, RR and AVRT could be beneficial to your sobriety efforts. Recovery is not a one size fits all process; if AA doesn't work for you, there are other options.