Serenidad

Your right FreeOwl. My AV was yelling loudly last night! Yelling lots of Bullsheet! I just posted an update. You're right..you're right...you're right!

Thank you for seeing the red flags and calling me out on the BS! I need that sometimes.

wpainterw

I did what you say you do. When asked why I drank I said, "Because of my sister's death, my nephew's death, my mother's death, my dad's death, my dog's death (always was able to replace the dog; new dog, still drank because old dog died, ashes on bookshelf, old collar hanging on wall; tail feathers in old show catalogue). Yes, I always drank "because..." PTS! Like the person who said, "I've been in Sorrow's Kitchen and licked out all the pots!"
"I drank because I could not change the past!" That's a real winner! Well, actually a guaranteed loser! Like saying I drank because when I howled at the moon the moon wouldn't howl back!
What to do? Choose meetings (AA or otherwise) where you feel comfortable. Try Rational Recovery, Smart Recovery. Talk with counselors, Focus on parts of everyone's brain that is very often not the "friend" it purports to be (learn about the "lizard" part of the brain that wants you to drink and how to ignore it, cage it, keep it from ruining your recovery), seek out non drinking friends, exercise, live in the "Now"- not the past (which you cannot change) or the future, which you cannot predict. Focus on what you can change (stuff like yourself and other stuff you can do something about). If all your eggs break, make scrambled eggs. Good luck!

W.

FreeOwl

May spirit be with you. May you find acceptance. And in that acceptance may you find the freedom , the gift, the love, the blessing that sobriety is.



My prayer for you.

Serenidad

Awesome advice here! Thanks so much.

Serenidad

Thank you Owl. (Hug) :-)

BernieE

It seems like you've been punishing yourself rather harshly in thoughts and deeds. Could you change the focus to doing things that support your best self, like exercise and music and positive friends, good food and funny movies and whatever else makes you happy? Feed the good wolf...

kittycat3

Hi S, you and I have similarities in our pasts. I am only on day 8 today (wooooohoo!) but in the past I have logged almost 6 years sober. I am sorry you are lost and struggling. I know my return to drinking is due to not fully accepting my issues w/ booze - I wanted to be normal and I deserved that GD drink dangnabbit! I know it's that feeling of being denied or forced not to drink (I too hate giving up control) and feeling left out that drove me to drink again.
This time around I am working my hardest at making this a choice. And it truly is a choice, not BS'ing you. Thinking about my recent slips and what I've done - I never, ever want to feel that way again. As long as I don't drink, I won't have to. And that is a choice I am proud to make! Even if it's a hard pill to swallow many (most?) days.
Not saying I have it all figured out either - but until (if I ever) do...I'm just not going to drink. Not today.
Hugs

Cecilia44

Serenidad I know what you are feeling. I have read some of your posts before and you are a drinker like me. I too only drink about 3 days a week. Not every day and sometimes can stop at 9 drinks in the evening.

But hear me out on this: I can drink 9 drinks in 3 hours! How many other drinks of tea, soda, etc. could I drink in 3 hours and would I want to? Nope. Something is WRONG with me. Something isn't right that I can do that. So I AM an alcoholic.

I have sat here many times and compared my drinking to others on here. Convincing myself I am "not that bad." But drinking that amount in such a short time isn't normal. It makes me an alkie.

I agree most with Anna's post. You need to accept that you are an alcoholic and I think you are still questioning it. I HAVE questioned the same thing, but let's quit fooling ourselves.

Once you truly admit you are someone who cannot drink, it is so much easier. Then the struggle stops ... and what a blessing!

I hope I helped you in some way.

Soberwolf

Hi Serenidad just checking in with you

How are you today ? What will you do ?

barefootjunker

Have you truly worked the steps? Have you gotten active? Every time I see someone go back out they are not doing one of these. I don't agree with fake it till you make it, can only fake it so long with out work. It takes the work to grow, it is not easy, but it does work if you are willing to do what it takes to get it.

As for tiring, well i work 10 to 12 hours a day 6 days a week and still go to at least one meeting a day. I go early, help set up, and if asked do what they say. If I am just there and seems there is nothing to do, I ask if there is something I can do. Why do I do this? It gets me out of myself, at times puts me in an uncomfortable spot, but I survive it. I stay later and help clean up. I am not a social person but am starting to be as I do these things. As people see me doing these things they warm up to me which helps me get out of myself. It opens a connection to those that do have what I want. If you look at their side of it, they see someone come in just before the meeting, and run out as soon as it is done. What does that show the people that are working it? It shows them that this person is just like the thousands of others that come through the doors, don't work it, and are waiting on someone to do it for them.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but it is what I see out of the post. I'll probably get yelled at by admins, but oh well.

JanieJ

Serenidad,

Think everything has been said that I can offer. Just wanted to show support. xx

Serenidad

I'm fine. I'm back on the "horse". Had a talk with my husband and he's being supportive. I'm just gonna "keep swimming". That all I CAN do.

In the mean time I am just trying to be gentle with myself. Thx for the love! One 4 drink slip doesn't mean "game over" for me. It means I need to learn from it so it doesn't happen again.

Trying to avoid toxic/unloving people, places and things is critical for me right now too. I'll be ok. I'm a fighter!

Love you guys! :-)

Kris47

Yes, you will!

(((Serenidad)))

Clementina

Hey Serenidad,

You've gotten so much amazing advice and support here and I agree that it sounds like you need to make the decision for yourself once and for all, and stick with it.

Like you said above, for a lot of people (myself included) the AV starts to creep in at times when people are further removed from drinking and start to forget how bad it really was. Which makes sense, because alcohol messes with your memory formation, so it's easy to forget huge portions of our alcohol consumption. That, and the fact that human memory is pretty bad in general. The brain tries to block out unpleasant memories (and it's very effective at this-- this is one of the main functions of the brain, to protect us and help us function.) And sometimes the ego tries to block a full, honest self-analysis, which includes the bad aspects of ourselves.

This, I think, is why I have only made it to 5-6 weeks of sobriety ever (and have done so at least 10 times in the past 2-3 years), but I keep relapsing around week 5-6. For me, that's right now so I know I have to keep my guard up. Always, but maybe especially during month 2. It sounds like that's what happened to you!

For me, this self-knowledge is helping me move forward and motivating me to make it for real this time. I hope it does for you, too! And all those previous attempts were still valuable to me in that they helped me train myself in a) understanding that I'm an alcoholic, and b) developing my will and habits to create a sober lifestyle. Maybe all your previous attempts have worked in the same way for you. And it sounds like THIS is your time for real!!!

It's so easy to forget that we can't moderate when the irrational AV, which seems to come from our rational mind but DOESN'T, starts whispering (or yelling) things like "just a few sips won't hurt." Detaching myself from that AV part of my brain has been incredibly valuable to me. Recognizing that I DON'T have to identify my REAL SELF with my AV helps me more than anything to reject those thoughts as irrational, not expressions of the real me. This has been a whole change in the way I think about myself and the world, and it's transforming my life in all kinds of amazing ways.

It sounds like part of your struggle might be these kinds of mental transformations-- such as accepting that you don't drink anymore.

Another transformation in my thinking has been recognizing that drinking causes a lot of problems for me and that I can't control myself if I drink. (This is what a lot of people call acceptance-- accepting that you are an alcoholic.) I have accepted these facts, but ultimately I think it doesn't matter what name you put on yourself (or don't put on yourself), as long as you stop drinking.

I stopped drinking because drinking causes problems and therefore is a problem. I stopped because I never want to live an alcoholic life, I have never wanted to become an alcoholic, and I don't want this to progress ANY further than it already has. Because I want to life a full, happy life with intention and progress. I want to do good things with the time I have in this world. So I don't use the label 'alcoholic' in my self-talk. Though I know I am an alcoholic and always will have that AV waiting for its opportunity, thinking about myself with a negative label isn't motivating to me. (And I can't imagine how it would feel to announce it in words at meetings every day-- personally I know that wouldn't work for me. I struggle enough with anxiety, self-confidence, and being too hard on myself as it is,) and I know I need to pump myself up with positive thinking on a daily basis. I tell myself I am strong, evolving, intelligent, self-aware, on a road to self-mastery, AND I remind myself daily that I am someone who doesn't drink. (I relate fully to all 70 items on your list btw!) I prefer to think of not drinking as part of my strength, intelligence and evolution, and I'm so happy I'm no longer buying into all the lies that keep so many people hooked on alcohol without even realizing they have a problem.

One last thing that has transformed my life and thinking has been the concept of meta-decisions. Basically, a meta-decision is a decision about your decisions. It's a larger-scale life decision about how you will handle the smaller, everyday choices that will come up. This makes life a lot easier because you don't have to wear yourself out debating about each everyday decision you come across. So for example, I decided to become vegetarian long ago, and that larger meta-decision that overrides every smaller-scale decision I make about food on a day to day basis. Same with booze. I have made a meta-decision that I don't drink. The fact that others drink doesn't mean I will chose to disrespect my body, mind, life, or loved ones in that way.

Sounds like you are making the meta-decision to not drink. Good choice! Just keep your meta-decision in the foreground! The mantra "I don't drink" can be so helpful when temptation arises.

Just some things to think about. (Things for me to think about, too!)

Lots of hugs and love to you!!! I'm so happy for you that you're back on the wagon, and so proud of you. Well done! We are strong, intelligent, evolving beings and we are overcoming this addiction together.

I am so proud to be a part of this community. You all give me hope for humanity.

Love, Clem

mns1

I'm glad I could make you laugh Serenaded!

But seriously, if you go to the gym and channel that energy into something proactive like lifting weights, I think you will find it very rewarding. And don't be afraid of getting big and bulky! Women seem to think that that is what automatically happens if they even touch a dumbbell.

Serenidad

Wow! Thanks for the wonderful post Clem. I appreciate the love and wisdom. Are you or have you read any recovery books that you can share with me? :-)

Clementina

If I find any good ones I will send them to you! I like reading philosophy books, which help more indirectly. Stoicism and Buddhism have been the most helpful for recovery so far.

Do you know any good ones?

Serenidad

Hmmmm.....nope. Haha. I still haven't read my Rational Recovery book yet and people have been telling me to read it for the past year so I'm finally starting to read it. Have you read that? :-)

Serenidad

Hmmmm.....nope. Haha. I still haven't read my Rational Recovery book yet and people have been telling me to read it for the past year so I'm finally starting to read it. Have you read that?

Clementina

I haven't but it looks like a good one. I'm going to order a copy!