Relapse after 7 years
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 23
Relapse after 7 years
Hi everyone! Writing my first post ever… I’m a bit afraid my story will sound weird. Like I was somehow ungrateful for my sobriety. I don’t know. Anyway, here it goes… I had been sober (from alcohol, sometimes took pills) for 7,5 years when I relapsed in July 2014. I started drinking maybe once a week, or twice a month. Partying, going out, went back to the exact same lifestyle I had before. But the consequenses started getting worse every time with very long hangovers and just getting into messes. So… I am on day 4 now. Quit everything, alcohol, pills and smoking too.
I’m trying to make sense of what happened. Why the relapse? It felt like it was a spur of the moment kind of thing, but maybe it wasn’t. My childhood was chaotic, I have PTSD. The last time I got sober about 8 years ago was just before my wedding, after that we had two beautiful kids. I put all my focus on my wonderful children and just trying to run a home and work. But it’s been a hard few years, my father passed away last year, 7 years after my mom, one of my kids turned out to have special needs which takes up a lot of my time, marriage not so good.
So, I’m thinking that maybe I didn’t work enough on my recovery? I went to AA a few times, I read recovery literature and I’m open to different kinds of recovery ideas. My first sober year I went to an alcohol counsellor. I stopped seeing the people who were triggers, stopped going to triggering places, all of that. But here is the part I don’t get. I never got rid of the restless feeling, as much as I love many aspects of my life, my kids, of waking up without a hangover, feeling healthy etc. It’s like I have this enormous restlessness, I crave excitement. My house used to be filled with people, I liked being the hostess, it was the first time in my life I felt accepted in a group, because my family of origin was so messed up. The life I led before sobriety was very exciting, not only when it involved drinking, but I was just very social, did a lot of things. Then I stopped when I quit drinking. My husband isn’t so social, so I just started staying at home, climbing the walls…
It’s like I need an adrenaline rush, but I’m not into extreme sports or anything like that. I have hobbies that i like but it’s like it’s not enough. I never found any replacement I was happy with. On one hand I like structure but if I never experience any excitement, unpredictability etc. I just don’t know how to handle that kind of boredom either. So right now I feel sad, because I realize that my life is a mess when I drink and party. But I was also unhappy during my sober years. I know, it probably sounds strange, but I’m trying to be honest so I can maybe find some solutions. Maybe it’s got to do with being an adrenaline junkie, being used to drama and chaos from childhood, I’ve never known anything else. When I got sober I gained 40 pounds, just stopped caring about a lot of things, like I lost my motivation to do anything. I wasn’t part of anything anymore, so why bother?! It felt like I lost my identity and never really found it again. I’m trying to be hopeful this time around. I would appreciate any of your thoughts! Thanks for letting me share.
I’m trying to make sense of what happened. Why the relapse? It felt like it was a spur of the moment kind of thing, but maybe it wasn’t. My childhood was chaotic, I have PTSD. The last time I got sober about 8 years ago was just before my wedding, after that we had two beautiful kids. I put all my focus on my wonderful children and just trying to run a home and work. But it’s been a hard few years, my father passed away last year, 7 years after my mom, one of my kids turned out to have special needs which takes up a lot of my time, marriage not so good.
So, I’m thinking that maybe I didn’t work enough on my recovery? I went to AA a few times, I read recovery literature and I’m open to different kinds of recovery ideas. My first sober year I went to an alcohol counsellor. I stopped seeing the people who were triggers, stopped going to triggering places, all of that. But here is the part I don’t get. I never got rid of the restless feeling, as much as I love many aspects of my life, my kids, of waking up without a hangover, feeling healthy etc. It’s like I have this enormous restlessness, I crave excitement. My house used to be filled with people, I liked being the hostess, it was the first time in my life I felt accepted in a group, because my family of origin was so messed up. The life I led before sobriety was very exciting, not only when it involved drinking, but I was just very social, did a lot of things. Then I stopped when I quit drinking. My husband isn’t so social, so I just started staying at home, climbing the walls…
It’s like I need an adrenaline rush, but I’m not into extreme sports or anything like that. I have hobbies that i like but it’s like it’s not enough. I never found any replacement I was happy with. On one hand I like structure but if I never experience any excitement, unpredictability etc. I just don’t know how to handle that kind of boredom either. So right now I feel sad, because I realize that my life is a mess when I drink and party. But I was also unhappy during my sober years. I know, it probably sounds strange, but I’m trying to be honest so I can maybe find some solutions. Maybe it’s got to do with being an adrenaline junkie, being used to drama and chaos from childhood, I’ve never known anything else. When I got sober I gained 40 pounds, just stopped caring about a lot of things, like I lost my motivation to do anything. I wasn’t part of anything anymore, so why bother?! It felt like I lost my identity and never really found it again. I’m trying to be hopeful this time around. I would appreciate any of your thoughts! Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Welcome to SR, Shimmering. This is a great place for support, encouragement and understanding.
Congratulations on 7.5 years of sobriety - very impressive. Sorry to hear that you relapsed.
Sounds as though you may have put sobriety and recovery efforts on the back burner - easy to do when you have a young family and home to care for and work obligations.
I found that so much of recovery was getting to the 'root' of my alcoholism - why I used alcohol as a coping tool, why I lacked confidence in myself to deal with and respond to life in a healthy fashion. I had to peel away the layers of my psyche and take a good hard look at myself.
You mentioned that you went to AA a few times; have you thought about going back; maybe getting a sponsor. I have never attended AA but, from what I have read on this site from those who utilize AA and have heard from two real life friends, the Steps are a great tool for self-examination.
Have you thought about counseling to help you identify the source of discontent that you mentioned?
I am sorry about the loss of your parents; it sounds as though they could have been young . . . .
Glad you found SR, Shimmering.
Congratulations on 7.5 years of sobriety - very impressive. Sorry to hear that you relapsed.
Sounds as though you may have put sobriety and recovery efforts on the back burner - easy to do when you have a young family and home to care for and work obligations.
I found that so much of recovery was getting to the 'root' of my alcoholism - why I used alcohol as a coping tool, why I lacked confidence in myself to deal with and respond to life in a healthy fashion. I had to peel away the layers of my psyche and take a good hard look at myself.
You mentioned that you went to AA a few times; have you thought about going back; maybe getting a sponsor. I have never attended AA but, from what I have read on this site from those who utilize AA and have heard from two real life friends, the Steps are a great tool for self-examination.
Have you thought about counseling to help you identify the source of discontent that you mentioned?
I am sorry about the loss of your parents; it sounds as though they could have been young . . . .
Glad you found SR, Shimmering.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: The Northland
Posts: 600
Welcome to SR. shimmering. Great advice from Leigh to get to AA and/or counseling to figure out you restlessness and discontent. Can you channel some of that energy into exercise or a team sport?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
thanks for posting this and welcome.
Your story is one reason I will never drink again. Regardless of the causes or what we perceive to be our reason to drink or whether we think we are cured, I'll never drink again. I've adopted the allergy idea. I've seen someone suffer from a seafood allergic reaction - almost died. Alcohol is MY seafood. I only have a year, but I must remind myself to be vigilant until it is second nature to me. I just don't drink, period.
Sorry to hear about your relapse. I hope you will carry that experience with you and stay abstinent.
Your story is one reason I will never drink again. Regardless of the causes or what we perceive to be our reason to drink or whether we think we are cured, I'll never drink again. I've adopted the allergy idea. I've seen someone suffer from a seafood allergic reaction - almost died. Alcohol is MY seafood. I only have a year, but I must remind myself to be vigilant until it is second nature to me. I just don't drink, period.
Sorry to hear about your relapse. I hope you will carry that experience with you and stay abstinent.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi shimmering, welcome to SR. I can understand. I got unhappy. Antsy in my own skin. I stopped tending to my sobriety and put it on the back burner. I relapsed and went right back to where I was. I didn't have as much sober time but it's the same principle.
I started going back to AA and established social support. I posted and read on here. I started reading meditations. I've had better results this time. I hope you stick around with us. Nice to meet you.
I started going back to AA and established social support. I posted and read on here. I started reading meditations. I've had better results this time. I hope you stick around with us. Nice to meet you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I can relate.
I am an adrenaline / endorphin junkie. Running and surfing and skiing and pushing my body are definitely things that I love.
The not feeling accepted thing. Craving excitement..... The trauma part... The difficult childhood family life. I think these may hold part of the key.
I found that working active sobriety and also seeing a therapist about my trauma, my doubts and fears and anxieties and my lack of self love have really helped.
I found that I drank and partied and wanted to be accepted in large part because I hadn't accepted myself and was trying to escape me.
I found I needed to embark on a journey to know and accept and love me, as part of my sobriety.
I've heard similar stories and perspectives in the rooms.
AA and counseling (not about drinking but about the basic stuff of life and my own family and personal history) are the path that is working to help me. Also exercise and physical endeavors help with that urge for adrenaline.
I am an adrenaline / endorphin junkie. Running and surfing and skiing and pushing my body are definitely things that I love.
The not feeling accepted thing. Craving excitement..... The trauma part... The difficult childhood family life. I think these may hold part of the key.
I found that working active sobriety and also seeing a therapist about my trauma, my doubts and fears and anxieties and my lack of self love have really helped.
I found that I drank and partied and wanted to be accepted in large part because I hadn't accepted myself and was trying to escape me.
I found I needed to embark on a journey to know and accept and love me, as part of my sobriety.
I've heard similar stories and perspectives in the rooms.
AA and counseling (not about drinking but about the basic stuff of life and my own family and personal history) are the path that is working to help me. Also exercise and physical endeavors help with that urge for adrenaline.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 23
Hi again! Wow, thanks so much for your replies! It made me feel so much better after putting my story out there for the first time!
SoberLeigh-I think you have such a good point, maybe I never quite learnt how to deal with life without any crutches, since I was prescribed painkillers for migraine, and started taking them a lot more often than i needed. They replaced the alcohol.
I need to learn how to live completely without any crutches. But I'm afraid of so many things, don't believe I can really handle them!
Ruby2 - "antsy in my skin", that's exactly how i felt. For years. So enter painkillers... And in the end alcohol too. But they didn't really help either, I know that now.
Thanks again, feeling more hopeful now. The best to all of you!
SoberLeigh-I think you have such a good point, maybe I never quite learnt how to deal with life without any crutches, since I was prescribed painkillers for migraine, and started taking them a lot more often than i needed. They replaced the alcohol.
I need to learn how to live completely without any crutches. But I'm afraid of so many things, don't believe I can really handle them!
Ruby2 - "antsy in my skin", that's exactly how i felt. For years. So enter painkillers... And in the end alcohol too. But they didn't really help either, I know that now.
Thanks again, feeling more hopeful now. The best to all of you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 23
FreeOwl - wow, our stories sound so similar!! I'm not alone then. Your post really got me thinking, maybe I haven't accepted myself... I'm very insecure and extremely shy, going to AA was very difficult for me, afraid to speak up and so on. I have an appointment with a therapist I've seen before who knows about my addictions and that I started drinking again. Hopefully talking about this will help me. I think it was also the right choice to join SR. Thanks again!
A couple of you mentioned sports and exercise, I will look into that! I used to do a lot of sports when younger, before the drinking.
A couple of you mentioned sports and exercise, I will look into that! I used to do a lot of sports when younger, before the drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Talking with a counselor about childhood trauma and cognitive behavioral therapy has been helpful for me. Also working on self acceptance and compassion, being willing to face my own difficult emotions has made a big difference.
I really think that just becoming willing to be alone and to open the door to 'hearing' myself.... Talking to that little boy who has fears and wounds and anxieties - has been crucial to my own growth as a human and my sobriety.
Seems like we spend a lot of our adult lives trying to escape that little kid in us.... Telling them they're wrong, not good enough, we don't give them attention and so we continue wounding ourselves and running away from ourselves... So we just become more and more uncomfortable in our own skin.... Instead of working on being our own best friend.
I really think that just becoming willing to be alone and to open the door to 'hearing' myself.... Talking to that little boy who has fears and wounds and anxieties - has been crucial to my own growth as a human and my sobriety.
Seems like we spend a lot of our adult lives trying to escape that little kid in us.... Telling them they're wrong, not good enough, we don't give them attention and so we continue wounding ourselves and running away from ourselves... So we just become more and more uncomfortable in our own skin.... Instead of working on being our own best friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 23
FreeOwl - again, I can so relate to this! Feels so strange but in a positive way to hear/read someone put so many of my thoughts and feelings into words.
I definitely have that sad kid inside who's afraid of a lot of things. A lot of fear about not fitting in, being accepted etc. I wanted to join SR already a couple of years ago, but was too afraid. For years I've read a lot of helpful recovery literature but I haven't specifically worked on the areas you mention. So thanks!
The thing is, during my sober years I almost never craved alcohol, maybe the thought crossed my mind twice in seven years. I messed up pretty bad so when I got sober I was truly sick and tired of it. But I guess my mistake was that I didn't get to the root of my problem. Kinda makes me sad now. I never thought I was whiteknuckling it, but maybe I was? And right now, one moment I'm hopeful but then I feel despair again - 7 years for what? Didn't I learn anything?
I definitely have that sad kid inside who's afraid of a lot of things. A lot of fear about not fitting in, being accepted etc. I wanted to join SR already a couple of years ago, but was too afraid. For years I've read a lot of helpful recovery literature but I haven't specifically worked on the areas you mention. So thanks!
The thing is, during my sober years I almost never craved alcohol, maybe the thought crossed my mind twice in seven years. I messed up pretty bad so when I got sober I was truly sick and tired of it. But I guess my mistake was that I didn't get to the root of my problem. Kinda makes me sad now. I never thought I was whiteknuckling it, but maybe I was? And right now, one moment I'm hopeful but then I feel despair again - 7 years for what? Didn't I learn anything?
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
I relapsed after 7 years and it took me 8 long years and about ready to dive head first into the rabbit hole when I got sober again. I'm going to post a couple of quotes from the Big Book that described me perfectly when I was sober -- and once I went back to drinking after long-term sobriety.
Alcoholics Anonymous 1st Edition
pp xxviii-xxix
Alcoholics Anonymous 1st Edition
pp151-152
If you stick around awhile you'll probably see me post these quotes because they were written as if they were describing me. When I wasn't drinking I was always restless, irritable and discontented. When I was drinking I was physically, mentally and emotionally wrecked. When I wasn't drinking I couldn't live without it, and when I was drinking I couldn't live with it.
I'm not one to preach AA but I can give you my experience with it. My history is that I got sober for 6 years in AA but I never worked the steps. I was sober but the obsession was still there and the symptoms were restlessness, irritability, and discontent. I eventually went back out and drank for a year. I got sober again using AA for 7 years but I never worked the steps. Again the obsession never left me and I lived in a state of restlessness, irritability and discontent. I eventually went back out for 8 years and nearly died.
When I came back to AA this time I immediately got a sponsor and we started working the steps. By the time we were finished my obsession for alcohol was gone along with the restlessness, irritability and discontent. I will have 2 years of sobriety in about 3 months and it has been totally different than my past attempts. The removal of the obsession to drink has been the key difference.
If you are leaning towards other recovery options there are lots of members that have been successful using other methods that you can find in the secular recovery forum. But one thing I have noticed (and this is only my personal perspective) is that regardless of the recovery program used the successful members seem to have been able to eliminate the obsession -- the restless, irritable and discontented feeling that often plagues those of us with untreated alcoholism.
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
pp xxviii-xxix
Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, "I don't miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time." As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
pp151-152
If you stick around awhile you'll probably see me post these quotes because they were written as if they were describing me. When I wasn't drinking I was always restless, irritable and discontented. When I was drinking I was physically, mentally and emotionally wrecked. When I wasn't drinking I couldn't live without it, and when I was drinking I couldn't live with it.
I'm not one to preach AA but I can give you my experience with it. My history is that I got sober for 6 years in AA but I never worked the steps. I was sober but the obsession was still there and the symptoms were restlessness, irritability, and discontent. I eventually went back out and drank for a year. I got sober again using AA for 7 years but I never worked the steps. Again the obsession never left me and I lived in a state of restlessness, irritability and discontent. I eventually went back out for 8 years and nearly died.
When I came back to AA this time I immediately got a sponsor and we started working the steps. By the time we were finished my obsession for alcohol was gone along with the restlessness, irritability and discontent. I will have 2 years of sobriety in about 3 months and it has been totally different than my past attempts. The removal of the obsession to drink has been the key difference.
If you are leaning towards other recovery options there are lots of members that have been successful using other methods that you can find in the secular recovery forum. But one thing I have noticed (and this is only my personal perspective) is that regardless of the recovery program used the successful members seem to have been able to eliminate the obsession -- the restless, irritable and discontented feeling that often plagues those of us with untreated alcoholism.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 23
Thank you Grungehead! Yes, these quotes definitely describe me. Very restless and discontent all these years. And the feeling has just been growing, like I was in some kind of trap. I've been feeling like I can't live with it, can't live without it as so many out there do.
Congratulations on almost two years sober! That's so great! Makes me hopeful to hear that you got rid of the restlessness and obsession.
Congratulations on almost two years sober! That's so great! Makes me hopeful to hear that you got rid of the restlessness and obsession.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I’m grateful to say I’ve been sober in AA for a lot of years. I found out early that if I didn’t change the person I came in with, my reasons for drinking, I would not be a happy camper.
I can identify with much posted above and was lucky to start working on my “triggers” early on. My biggest overall one was fear of so many things that at times I was paralyzed. My/our fear comes in many packages, fear of the unknown, what if, what will people think, procrastination, financial insecurity and on and on.
Getting sober and staying sober I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin and after so many years still go to AA meetings to see what happens to people who stop going to meetings and have my memory refreshed with what it was like drinking.
Bottom line is continuous sobriety is continual work and change, even when we don’t want to.
BE WELL
I’m grateful to say I’ve been sober in AA for a lot of years. I found out early that if I didn’t change the person I came in with, my reasons for drinking, I would not be a happy camper.
I can identify with much posted above and was lucky to start working on my “triggers” early on. My biggest overall one was fear of so many things that at times I was paralyzed. My/our fear comes in many packages, fear of the unknown, what if, what will people think, procrastination, financial insecurity and on and on.
Getting sober and staying sober I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin and after so many years still go to AA meetings to see what happens to people who stop going to meetings and have my memory refreshed with what it was like drinking.
Bottom line is continuous sobriety is continual work and change, even when we don’t want to.
BE WELL
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,498
Of course you learned things in the 7 years you were sober. I try to remember that recovery is a journey, a lifelong journey, and you learned in those 7 years. You learned in those 6 months since you started drinking again. And, now, you are ready to work on recovery again, aware that you need to dig a little deeper.
Self-acceptance is so important, as was mentioned earlier. I am not the person that I put out there during my drinking years. I am much less social and I need 'alone' time on a regular basis, so I had to accept that I wasn't going to enjoy going out with people that I didn't know well. I think if you begin to accept yourself for who you are, you will be on the road to peace.
Self-acceptance is so important, as was mentioned earlier. I am not the person that I put out there during my drinking years. I am much less social and I need 'alone' time on a regular basis, so I had to accept that I wasn't going to enjoy going out with people that I didn't know well. I think if you begin to accept yourself for who you are, you will be on the road to peace.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Glad to meet you Shimmering!
I did a similar thing. I had 3 yrs. sober & decided I could have 'a glass' of wine. The glass of wine led to the whole bottle - & it wasn't long before I found myself trapped once again. It was worse than ever, and I ended up drinking all day, every day. That's when I found SR - after 7 years of trying to get my life back. The encouragement I found here helped me get free. You will do this!
I did a similar thing. I had 3 yrs. sober & decided I could have 'a glass' of wine. The glass of wine led to the whole bottle - & it wasn't long before I found myself trapped once again. It was worse than ever, and I ended up drinking all day, every day. That's when I found SR - after 7 years of trying to get my life back. The encouragement I found here helped me get free. You will do this!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Welcome to the SR family. 
I relapsed after being sober for twenty years. 
It took me two years to get sober again. But I am sober five years now and don't intend to drink ever again.
I'm glad you joined us. You'll find lots of support here.
I relapsed after being sober for twenty years. 
It took me two years to get sober again. But I am sober five years now and don't intend to drink ever again. I'm glad you joined us. You'll find lots of support here.
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