My introduction
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 349
Wow, read this post and it started out so well and went downhill after that. I think this explains it: Thank you, and again- no need to reply as I am half cut every time I log in anyway, so you're only conversing with a drunk person.
I haven't commented on much lately, but felt the need to reach out here.
Just because a couple of people in AA "stopped sponsoring/conversing with you" doesn't mean that EVERYONE is like that and that the whole of the program isn't helpful. You were sober for 15 days, so it must have been working. Try it again or try something else. Put the resentment you still feel for the people who stole your parents' money on the back burner if that's something you feel you will still be resentful about and move forward anyhow.
This is a great example of how alcohol changes people. Here this was a wonderful, inspiring post I was reading and then all of a sudden, add alcohol and it all goes down the crapper.
Pick yourself up Gabrielle and try again. Enough with the pity party. I can read it in all of your later posts. Stop letting other people run your life .....
I haven't commented on much lately, but felt the need to reach out here.
Just because a couple of people in AA "stopped sponsoring/conversing with you" doesn't mean that EVERYONE is like that and that the whole of the program isn't helpful. You were sober for 15 days, so it must have been working. Try it again or try something else. Put the resentment you still feel for the people who stole your parents' money on the back burner if that's something you feel you will still be resentful about and move forward anyhow.
This is a great example of how alcohol changes people. Here this was a wonderful, inspiring post I was reading and then all of a sudden, add alcohol and it all goes down the crapper.
Pick yourself up Gabrielle and try again. Enough with the pity party. I can read it in all of your later posts. Stop letting other people run your life .....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
Hoping for the best for you.
My life seemed (seems to be) the worst anyone could have. I am only on two days sober. I too have lost a baby. I want to try for another but know that I have damaged my body from alcohol. I live with another addict and it's exhausting every time he relapses. We have the worst fights. And plus, that's no way to raise a baby until we are both recovering.
But, I finally realized my drinking is only hurting me. Hurting my mind so I can't think clearly. Hurting my body so I can't conceive or will develop a serious condition from alcohol. Hurting my family by ignoring them only to get wasted. Hurting myself, over and over again.
Hope you find the strength to get thru this before April, March, or heck, even tomorrow.
My life seemed (seems to be) the worst anyone could have. I am only on two days sober. I too have lost a baby. I want to try for another but know that I have damaged my body from alcohol. I live with another addict and it's exhausting every time he relapses. We have the worst fights. And plus, that's no way to raise a baby until we are both recovering.
But, I finally realized my drinking is only hurting me. Hurting my mind so I can't think clearly. Hurting my body so I can't conceive or will develop a serious condition from alcohol. Hurting my family by ignoring them only to get wasted. Hurting myself, over and over again.
Hope you find the strength to get thru this before April, March, or heck, even tomorrow.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi GS.
A couple of things...It seems, at least in the beginning, that you mistook this place, SR, to be an AA site. Though many people have gotten sober with the use of AA, there are at least as many people here who've gotten sober by other means.
There is no perfect way to work through the AA Big Book Twelve Steps. The first three steps are more or less conclusions of the mind...that there's something wrong and that there's something I can do about it. You don't need to believe in God for this to work, though some might disagree. What worked for me was that I believed that there was a better way for me, and that part of this meant that I was willing to trust other people to guide me along.
Step 4 is about taking stock in terms of what is and what is not working for me in my life, whatever it is that promotes my drinking, and whatever personal attributes and personal resources I have at my disposal that will help me to live a better life. It's a given that we're working through the Steps because not all is well in our lives, so the implication is that change is necessary in order to achieve sobriety. There is no requirement that you have to "clean up" all your resentments at this very moment in order to get sober; the suggestion is that we acknowledge that we have them and how they came about. Resentments may not have been the only thing that supported or increased our drinking -- or prevented us from getting sober -- but they do tend to be triggers for many of us over the long run. Also, hating yourself qualifies as a resentment.
For me, my working through Steps 4 and 5 had an immediate positive effect, but I experienced many more of the benefits of that work further down the line and very gradually. I still don't consider myself as having worked through the Steps perfectly, but it doesn't matter. The willingness to work on ourselves and the destruction that drinking brings can make all the difference, no matter how "incomplete" the results. I don't know that I've completely shed all my resentments, but I'm certainly in a much better place since I worked through -- and continue to work through -- that part of the program. It's entirely possible that your sponsor rushed you through the work, given that you were sober for around two weeks when you started commenting here about Step 4.
People who use the AV/Addictive or alcoholic voice to support their recovery would tell you that your AV is looking for as many reasons as possible, any reason at all, for you to continue or to resume drinking. And there are many. Sobriety goes against our grain, and for many of us, putting down the drink and then staying sober is among the most difficult things we've ever done. But virtually everyone with long term sobriety will tell you that it was well worth it. You just need a little bit of faith to start.
I had emotional problems long before I started drinking. Nothing too obvious or too major, but enough for me to want to manage stress, anxiety, depression and loneliness by drinking. I was hardly living a peaceful life. None of these things improved as a result of my drinking, and all of them got much worse. I can't, of course, tell you that making headway in all these issues is a potential benefit or motivation for you to get sober, but my life changed very much for the better as a result of working on these issues while sober.
I first got sober many years ago, in my twenties, and stayed sober for twenty five years before I relapsed for three years. I built an amazing life in that time...personally, professionally and socially. I did things I never imagined I could do. Life took on new meaning, and I was able to appreciate people and things in a much more fulfilling way. And I no longer suffered every waking moment. The sky was my limit. As Dee likes to say, I built a life that I no longer needed to run away from.
You don't need to jump into this with a full head of steam; you only need to open the door a little bit. Reach out as you've reached out here, and allow caring people to help you through what so many of us have struggled with. You've got nothing to lose but your misery.
A couple of things...It seems, at least in the beginning, that you mistook this place, SR, to be an AA site. Though many people have gotten sober with the use of AA, there are at least as many people here who've gotten sober by other means.
There is no perfect way to work through the AA Big Book Twelve Steps. The first three steps are more or less conclusions of the mind...that there's something wrong and that there's something I can do about it. You don't need to believe in God for this to work, though some might disagree. What worked for me was that I believed that there was a better way for me, and that part of this meant that I was willing to trust other people to guide me along.
Step 4 is about taking stock in terms of what is and what is not working for me in my life, whatever it is that promotes my drinking, and whatever personal attributes and personal resources I have at my disposal that will help me to live a better life. It's a given that we're working through the Steps because not all is well in our lives, so the implication is that change is necessary in order to achieve sobriety. There is no requirement that you have to "clean up" all your resentments at this very moment in order to get sober; the suggestion is that we acknowledge that we have them and how they came about. Resentments may not have been the only thing that supported or increased our drinking -- or prevented us from getting sober -- but they do tend to be triggers for many of us over the long run. Also, hating yourself qualifies as a resentment.
For me, my working through Steps 4 and 5 had an immediate positive effect, but I experienced many more of the benefits of that work further down the line and very gradually. I still don't consider myself as having worked through the Steps perfectly, but it doesn't matter. The willingness to work on ourselves and the destruction that drinking brings can make all the difference, no matter how "incomplete" the results. I don't know that I've completely shed all my resentments, but I'm certainly in a much better place since I worked through -- and continue to work through -- that part of the program. It's entirely possible that your sponsor rushed you through the work, given that you were sober for around two weeks when you started commenting here about Step 4.
People who use the AV/Addictive or alcoholic voice to support their recovery would tell you that your AV is looking for as many reasons as possible, any reason at all, for you to continue or to resume drinking. And there are many. Sobriety goes against our grain, and for many of us, putting down the drink and then staying sober is among the most difficult things we've ever done. But virtually everyone with long term sobriety will tell you that it was well worth it. You just need a little bit of faith to start.
I had emotional problems long before I started drinking. Nothing too obvious or too major, but enough for me to want to manage stress, anxiety, depression and loneliness by drinking. I was hardly living a peaceful life. None of these things improved as a result of my drinking, and all of them got much worse. I can't, of course, tell you that making headway in all these issues is a potential benefit or motivation for you to get sober, but my life changed very much for the better as a result of working on these issues while sober.
I first got sober many years ago, in my twenties, and stayed sober for twenty five years before I relapsed for three years. I built an amazing life in that time...personally, professionally and socially. I did things I never imagined I could do. Life took on new meaning, and I was able to appreciate people and things in a much more fulfilling way. And I no longer suffered every waking moment. The sky was my limit. As Dee likes to say, I built a life that I no longer needed to run away from.
You don't need to jump into this with a full head of steam; you only need to open the door a little bit. Reach out as you've reached out here, and allow caring people to help you through what so many of us have struggled with. You've got nothing to lose but your misery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi GS. I am sorry for what your parents went through. I had a woman who worked for me for 4 years who was like a mother to me. I ended up handing her the reins on a lot of things because I trusted her. She took advantage of my kindness, stole from me, it went on for years before I figured out what was happening. I thought I was losing my mind. It has taken years for me to get over that hurt.
I don't think being newly sober is the time to bring up issues that are emotionally hot for us. I am not AA but I know there is a saying "first things first". There is no way I was ready to unearth all of my issues at the get go, I was simply learning how to get up and function without a major crutch. People may be well intentioned but please don't entangle your sobriety with trying to live up to a checklist that other people are telling you is necessary.
I went back and read your posts. You had a great head of steam going. But we are all very fragile in the early days. I hope you reread your old threads…there was something pretty special happening. If there is one thing I think is important in early sobriety it is surrounding oneself with others who are in sync and supportive. If someone makes you feel discouraged or criticized, move on. There are no musts or shoulds, just don't drink. You have all the time in the world to fine tune your sobriety once you feel steadier.
It took me years to process the outrage I felt that someone who I had hired as a right hand could smile to my face while stabbing me in the back. But in retrospect, I realize that I have actually been lucky. I have had a lot of employees over the years who were honest and decent. The reason this woman hurt me so much was because I didn't really understand that people like that existed before my experience. But, I need time and distance to move beyond that craziness, there is no timeline for how any of us process hurt.
SR is great because it gives you a venue to communicate with a wide audience of AA people if that is the road you choose. The more time you spend on here you will begin to find posters who really walk the walk. There is a lot of kindness, support and understanding. And perhaps you can take the experience that didn't work for you and be on the lookout for other newcomers who might feel frustrated as you did. I asked for advice here about a therapist who I was using, I needed a wider perspective and the support I received here helped me make a decision that empowered me. Read around here, there are some great AA people.
The only authority on your sobriety is you. When you are ready there are a lot of us here who have lived through the f-its. I know what a grim place it is to know you have a problem and continue to drink anyway. I hope you don't wait a few months, and I hope you take advantage of the great place SR is.
PS: I must have posted at the same time as End Game…he is one of the great AA people I was talking about..
I don't think being newly sober is the time to bring up issues that are emotionally hot for us. I am not AA but I know there is a saying "first things first". There is no way I was ready to unearth all of my issues at the get go, I was simply learning how to get up and function without a major crutch. People may be well intentioned but please don't entangle your sobriety with trying to live up to a checklist that other people are telling you is necessary.
I went back and read your posts. You had a great head of steam going. But we are all very fragile in the early days. I hope you reread your old threads…there was something pretty special happening. If there is one thing I think is important in early sobriety it is surrounding oneself with others who are in sync and supportive. If someone makes you feel discouraged or criticized, move on. There are no musts or shoulds, just don't drink. You have all the time in the world to fine tune your sobriety once you feel steadier.
It took me years to process the outrage I felt that someone who I had hired as a right hand could smile to my face while stabbing me in the back. But in retrospect, I realize that I have actually been lucky. I have had a lot of employees over the years who were honest and decent. The reason this woman hurt me so much was because I didn't really understand that people like that existed before my experience. But, I need time and distance to move beyond that craziness, there is no timeline for how any of us process hurt.
SR is great because it gives you a venue to communicate with a wide audience of AA people if that is the road you choose. The more time you spend on here you will begin to find posters who really walk the walk. There is a lot of kindness, support and understanding. And perhaps you can take the experience that didn't work for you and be on the lookout for other newcomers who might feel frustrated as you did. I asked for advice here about a therapist who I was using, I needed a wider perspective and the support I received here helped me make a decision that empowered me. Read around here, there are some great AA people.
The only authority on your sobriety is you. When you are ready there are a lot of us here who have lived through the f-its. I know what a grim place it is to know you have a problem and continue to drink anyway. I hope you don't wait a few months, and I hope you take advantage of the great place SR is.
PS: I must have posted at the same time as End Game…he is one of the great AA people I was talking about..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
GabrielleSolis1:
I've read all your posts and am sorry you are having such a rough time. I have sent you a private message and hope you read it. Perhaps it may help. It does not judge you or lecture to you. Just suggests some things which may interest you. I want you to know that I have been where you are right now. I know what it's like. I'm here for you. Send me a private message if you want to. If not, then may I wish you all the luck in the world. every good wish.
W.
I've read all your posts and am sorry you are having such a rough time. I have sent you a private message and hope you read it. Perhaps it may help. It does not judge you or lecture to you. Just suggests some things which may interest you. I want you to know that I have been where you are right now. I know what it's like. I'm here for you. Send me a private message if you want to. If not, then may I wish you all the luck in the world. every good wish.
W.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: England
Posts: 65
I managed another two weeks of sobriety again. But I was one day short this time- the last time I drank on the 15th day. This time I drank on the 14th. Each time I drink again, I continue for the next few days/ weeks until I decide enough is enough. Today, I drank for a second day. Tomorrow I won't. Everything started out good- I got the 'urge', therefore I drank, all was happy and silly and fun (even though I was on my own, as per f***in' usual). But it ended with bad things. I fell out with a friend (online), and I had an argument with a family member. I'm not saying that I was in the wrong, or acted out of order- I was well within my rights and acted exactly in favour of how I would if I was sober- except maybe the outcome wouldn't have been quite so disharmonious.
Yet another reason to hate myself when I wake up tomorrow bright and fresh but with the familiar huge dark booze cloud hanging over me....
I don't really know what I'm trying to say here, or if I'm even attempting to make a point. Maybe I'm just rambling- I don't even care. Treat this like an invasion to my diary. Read it, comment if you will, but don't expect me to suddenly have this massive realisation and to be suddenly blessed with the warm hand of sacred sobriety. That isn't going to happen. I'm just using this as a vessel to let off steam/ talk about stuff and more or less bore the pants off anyone who cares to have their pants bored off.
Read it at your peril....
Either way, I'm going for it again (the whole sobriety thing). There can never be enough attempts. AND, if I'm honest and reflect on my recent efforts for sobriety- I've actually done pretty well. Put it this way- in around five weeks, I only drank for about one week (or less) of that. You might not see that as progress, but i do! Something is pretty obviously working....tiny steps, tiny, tiny....but it's there.
Yet another reason to hate myself when I wake up tomorrow bright and fresh but with the familiar huge dark booze cloud hanging over me....
I don't really know what I'm trying to say here, or if I'm even attempting to make a point. Maybe I'm just rambling- I don't even care. Treat this like an invasion to my diary. Read it, comment if you will, but don't expect me to suddenly have this massive realisation and to be suddenly blessed with the warm hand of sacred sobriety. That isn't going to happen. I'm just using this as a vessel to let off steam/ talk about stuff and more or less bore the pants off anyone who cares to have their pants bored off.
Read it at your peril....Either way, I'm going for it again (the whole sobriety thing). There can never be enough attempts. AND, if I'm honest and reflect on my recent efforts for sobriety- I've actually done pretty well. Put it this way- in around five weeks, I only drank for about one week (or less) of that. You might not see that as progress, but i do! Something is pretty obviously working....tiny steps, tiny, tiny....but it's there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
You make Sobriety happen, alcohol is clearly causing a lot misery in your life, so why keep allowing it back in, wouldn't it be a better way forward to push it to the kerb once and for all.
Continuing to do bad things due to drinking and continuing to "hate" yourself as a result of what alcohol causes makes no sense, if alcohol was a person you would have told them to pack their bags long ago!!
Continuing to do bad things due to drinking and continuing to "hate" yourself as a result of what alcohol causes makes no sense, if alcohol was a person you would have told them to pack their bags long ago!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: England
Posts: 65
Unfortunately, as usual, the promise of sobriety was a maelstrom. The spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. I'm on my third consecutive day of drinking. I don't even know why- I'm feeling so angry. I hate the anger. What am I even angry for? When sober, I deal with things better.
Really pissed off at myself. Especially when I could have spent longer learning my lines, and also because I finally have an interview tomorrow. If and when I mess this flaming interview up, I will just feel like crap.
Really pissed off at myself. Especially when I could have spent longer learning my lines, and also because I finally have an interview tomorrow. If and when I mess this flaming interview up, I will just feel like crap.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: England
Posts: 65
I permanently feel let down. I've been so productive lately. But I haven't achieved.
My latest theatre production is now over...what to do with myself, next....?! Paint a picture..something else arty crafty till the next thing....
But still no sign of anything I really need to make my life have meaning. I'm sick of failing job interviews.
I only drink because I am at a 'loss'. I have no one to love, no one to feel responsible for, no nothing to be entitled to. And I am none of those things to anyone else.
My latest theatre production is now over...what to do with myself, next....?! Paint a picture..something else arty crafty till the next thing....
But still no sign of anything I really need to make my life have meaning. I'm sick of failing job interviews.
I only drink because I am at a 'loss'. I have no one to love, no one to feel responsible for, no nothing to be entitled to. And I am none of those things to anyone else.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I have no one to love, no one to feel responsible for, no nothing to be entitled to. And I am none of those things to anyone else.
If your life feels emoty drinking will only make it more so, I think.
To fill my life I had to stop drinking.
Drinking supports the status quo and discourages change.
D
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