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Old 01-30-2015, 01:58 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I love seeing your progress in this thread GS awesome job on day 12
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Old 01-31-2015, 01:09 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Day 13- and a deep seated desire to drink alcohol. I got pretty agitated about it tonight, I was practically tearing my hair out. It was awful. I'm grieving so badly for my 'friend' Mr Alcohol.

I didn't contact my sponsor, although I know I probably should have done- after all, that's what she is there for- to sponsor me, to help and guide me. I just didn't want to pester her. Thankfully, I took myself to an AA chat room and someone picked up on my despair and PM'd me. This person has completed the 12 steps and is four years in recovery. They (I omitted to ask if I was talking to a male or female) talked me through it re-iterated the first Two Steps, helped me to reclaim my sanity. I am so grateful for this person for helping me- and they actually thanked me for allowing them to help me as it is considered an honour to be able to repay the debt by helping others with their sobriety!!! Amazing....

Anyway, if I can get past Day 15 I will be shocked but happy. I got to 15 days twice last year, but fell after that. This is a real test for me.

I'm glad my anger dissipated tonight. I don't like being angry. It hurts so much.
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Old 02-02-2015, 10:03 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Day 15, and I'm probably going to drink on day 17. I can't tomorrow, coz I have to be somewhere.

I respected this community (the whole AA thing). I've found encouragement, a place to talk, to share, even friends. I was prepared to do whatever it took (within reason) to stay sober. I even found a sponsor online, did the first 3 steps (even as an aethiest- I was told that didn't matter; I can have my own interpretation of the 'higher power'. )
HOWEVER, when it came to Step 4, I was expected to vanquish all resentments I feel towards absolutely everybody in my life that I feel resentment towards as it is assumed that I drink because of each and every single one of them.
I can assure you, that isn't true. I drank for many 'reasons' and yes, I drank sometimes because of resentments I held towards certain people- but I never drank because of resentments I had towards the people that stole my parents life savings. But I will never stop resenting them.

If I was to tell my parents that I no longer resent the people that stole from them, I'm pretty sure they would then resent me. And of course, I wouldn't blame them. No matter what the 12 Steps require, I cannot be expected to stop resenting these particular people.

I am not a robot, I can't re-programme myself to no longer care. But I can do everything else.

I was doing fine until I got pushed aside by the AA community simply because of this one thing I refuse to entertain.

My sponsor told me that she couldn't continue with me, and that I'm obviously not ready for it.

I don't understand that- how can I not be ready? I made the decision to quit drinking, and I came here (to this website) of my own accord. Not because of 'god' or any other fictional person, real person or otherwise. I came here of my own accord through my own admission. Simples.

I also admitted, from the start that I cannot do this on my own. I was assured that everyone here (the whole of the AA- I'm talking about other sites too when I say that), has my back. But the moment I say I can't remove resentment for the people that stole from my parents (and I'm being honest here- I could have just omitted to even mention them and just carried on with the programme regardless....), I am immediately pushed aside.

I went straight into a chat room, and was asked how long I was sober. I told the people in there. 15 days. Congrats etc. Was asked if I have a sponsor. I said my sponsor has just kicked me off the programme- that she was very nice but it wasn't working out. One of them p.m'd me. Asked if I wanted to talk about it.

I told him what I've told you. He then also decided to terminate the chat.

Charming.

So, it would appear, absurd as it may appear, that I am no longer welcome to be a part of this group if I do not do as asked regarding this particular 'step'.

So, I can't just do the steps and skip the ones I disagree with and still stay sober. I can't assure anyone that the reason I am here is because I happened to make my decision myself to quit the drink and that I wasn't brought here by 'god'. Well, I DID come here by myself, and I believed that I COULD stay sober with the encouragement of the AA people. What I didn't bargain for was being completely cast aside like a leper just because the one thing I won't do and can't actually physically do is stop harbouring resentment for people who took away every last penny my parents had.

And just for the record, can I re-iterate that my drinking had absolutely nothing to do with that. I never ever drank because of my parents situations. I drank because of my own- and I was absolutely 100% intent on dealing with those issues.

So, now, I am choosing to drink on Wednesday because I no longer have the help and encouragement that I so desperately need.
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Old 02-02-2015, 10:14 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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You still have help and encouragement here no matter what recovery road you choose. I hope you reconsider. You won't be hurting the people who hurt you...only yourself
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Old 02-02-2015, 10:34 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Who is more important, you or them? If you give in and drink because of the way they have acted then you are making them more important than they deserve to be.

Whether you drink or not is up to you. Nobody is putting a gun to your head and telling you to drink. You will be consciously buying the alcohol, pouring it and drinking it. It is your choice and your choice alone.

I'm not trying to be nasty, I'm speaking from experience. I've blamed everyone and their mother for my drinking but there is one person to blame and that's me.

Rather than drink, take their actions as a challenge. Stand up and say "I can do this without you", because you can.

As I say, please don't think I'm being judgemental or nasty. That really is not my intention. I would just hate for the past 15 days to go to waste or for you to wake up Thursday morning feeling bad about yourself.
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Old 02-02-2015, 10:45 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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AA is not the only way towards lasting sobriety. Have you looked into AVRT, Gabrielle?

Here is a link to Secular Connections which includes AVRT and other methods:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...r-connections/
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Old 02-02-2015, 10:55 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by GabrielleSolis1 View Post

Anyway, if I can get past Day 15 I will be shocked but happy. I got to 15 days twice last year, but fell after that. This is a real test for me.
You don't have to drink on Day 17.

as SoberLeigh posted - many other ways to get and stay sober.

but don't post that you are going to drink b/c "because I no longer have the help and encouragement that I so desperately need."

SR is here.
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Old 02-02-2015, 11:18 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Awesome job on day 16 Gabrielle

Look into Smart recovery & AVRT

UK SMART Recovery

There are smart meetings in the uk & you can google AVRT were not allowed to link it but you can google it

You have our full support in your recovery dont let this derail you and dont let it upset you no more

pm anytime my friend
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Old 02-02-2015, 02:32 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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I hope you get some AA responses here Gabrielle cos I think you've either been given bad advice, or it's your own misunderstanding of step 4.

I'm not an AA person so I say this with the caveat that these are my beliefs.

Step 4 is step 4 of 12. It's not even half way. Noone should expect you to walk out of step 4 pearly white and perfect.

My own experience with resentments and forgiveness is tied in with my reading of The Shack by Wm Paul Young. I recommend you read it if you have not.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It's about letting go, taking around hands from someones neck, so we can move on.

It's about us - not them.

Drinking at someone never works. You've probably heard the aphorism - drinking from resentment is like taking poison and expectiung the other guy to die.

They won't die - but you might - figuratively if not literally.

So, now, I am choosing to drink on Wednesday because I no longer have the help and encouragement that I so desperately need.
If you drink again on wednesday - what will it solve? You'll have all of that, and drinking on top, and you'll probably end up in a worse place.

If you feel you've been let down and you lack help and encouragement, then find it.

Use AA or not. Use something else or not.

Just don't sit there, drinking.

Self pity and resentment will get you precisely nowhere - I know this because I went there many times.

There's been suggestions for actions above - and I firmly believe you'll always find all the help hope and encouragement you need here.

Don't let the AV convince you that you're all alone. That's just not true.

D
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Old 02-02-2015, 05:30 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Hello Gabrielle,

You and your sponsor just didn't seem to jive. It's just like alcohol and I don't jive anymore. There are many ways to get sober but one needs to use all the tools they can to stay sober. What works for one may not work for another. AA has been a godsend for me. At first I wasn't so sure. Any program you really work will take time to adjust to and you are trying to change. To be honest though, I don't think someone you've met online with whom you have to tell your personal stuff to, can work as AA intends it, especially in that small time frame. At least not early on. And although it can take someone as little as a few months to work the steps, they usually read the Big Book from cover to cover and back again. Then both the sponsor will read portions together. It is not anything to take on lightly and not until you know you are ready. I don't think I had enough cognitive thinking to even begin the stepwork til I was over 90 days sober. Holding a grudge or having resentment is like letting someone live rent free in your head. You don't forget this you just learn to Let Go of the baggage. First things first, though, First you need the desire to quit drinking. It's that simple. Easy, no. Don't pick up the first drink. You would be doing yourself a disservice. You have been doing really great. Early sobriety can be a very raw thing. Your emotions can run all over the place and your head is screaming for alcohol. Step one is the catalyst to get the ball rolling. Step 2 is finding that HP. Step 3 is surrendering. Until you can get the first three without any reservations you are not ready to do a step 4. You need real help along the way. SR is a wonderful tool to help or add in your sobriety as is sober friends, family, reading, AA and other disciplines. Please avail yourself of all and any of these modalities. The most important thing is to STAY THE COURSE. For now, make it simple. Just say, I will not pick up a drink today. 24 hours. One Day at a time. Never, never ever give up. You are worth it. I spent too many years giving in to my AV.That's the insanity, doing the same thing over and over again. If you come into the rooms of AA, really work the program. First of all find God. Many people feel the other alcoholics are their HP. Whatever works for you. the important thing is to realize you're not running the show. Something out there is grander than we are. find out what it is. Faith is all you need. And we are here for you, too. Don't give up on yourself.
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Old 02-02-2015, 06:19 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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Forgiveness is not for the other people, it is for YOU. Freeing yourself of the bonds of others is a worthwhile cause in life.

Holding a grudge is like drinking poison in the hopes that someone else will get sick.

Finally, ..... Two concentration camp survivors were freed at the end of WWII. One says to the other "I can never forgive them for what they did to us. ". To which the second responds "then you are still their prisoner"


Originally Posted by GabrielleSolis1 View Post
Day 15, and I'm probably going to drink on day 17. I can't tomorrow, coz I have to be somewhere.

I respected this community (the whole AA thing). I've found encouragement, a place to talk, to share, even friends. I was prepared to do whatever it took (within reason) to stay sober. I even found a sponsor online, did the first 3 steps (even as an aethiest- I was told that didn't matter; I can have my own interpretation of the 'higher power'. )
HOWEVER, when it came to Step 4, I was expected to vanquish all resentments I feel towards absolutely everybody in my life that I feel resentment towards as it is assumed that I drink because of each and every single one of them.
I can assure you, that isn't true. I drank for many 'reasons' and yes, I drank sometimes because of resentments I held towards certain people- but I never drank because of resentments I had towards the people that stole my parents life savings. But I will never stop resenting them.

If I was to tell my parents that I no longer resent the people that stole from them, I'm pretty sure they would then resent me. And of course, I wouldn't blame them. No matter what the 12 Steps require, I cannot be expected to stop resenting these particular people.

I am not a robot, I can't re-programme myself to no longer care. But I can do everything else.

I was doing fine until I got pushed aside by the AA community simply because of this one thing I refuse to entertain.

My sponsor told me that she couldn't continue with me, and that I'm obviously not ready for it.

I don't understand that- how can I not be ready? I made the decision to quit drinking, and I came here (to this website) of my own accord. Not because of 'god' or any other fictional person, real person or otherwise. I came here of my own accord through my own admission. Simples.

I also admitted, from the start that I cannot do this on my own. I was assured that everyone here (the whole of the AA- I'm talking about other sites too when I say that), has my back. But the moment I say I can't remove resentment for the people that stole from my parents (and I'm being honest here- I could have just omitted to even mention them and just carried on with the programme regardless....), I am immediately pushed aside.

I went straight into a chat room, and was asked how long I was sober. I told the people in there. 15 days. Congrats etc. Was asked if I have a sponsor. I said my sponsor has just kicked me off the programme- that she was very nice but it wasn't working out. One of them p.m'd me. Asked if I wanted to talk about it.

I told him what I've told you. He then also decided to terminate the chat.

Charming.

So, it would appear, absurd as it may appear, that I am no longer welcome to be a part of this group if I do not do as asked regarding this particular 'step'.

So, I can't just do the steps and skip the ones I disagree with and still stay sober. I can't assure anyone that the reason I am here is because I happened to make my decision myself to quit the drink and that I wasn't brought here by 'god'. Well, I DID come here by myself, and I believed that I COULD stay sober with the encouragement of the AA people. What I didn't bargain for was being completely cast aside like a leper just because the one thing I won't do and can't actually physically do is stop harbouring resentment for people who took away every last penny my parents had.

And just for the record, can I re-iterate that my drinking had absolutely nothing to do with that. I never ever drank because of my parents situations. I drank because of my own- and I was absolutely 100% intent on dealing with those issues.

So, now, I am choosing to drink on Wednesday because I no longer have the help and encouragement that I so desperately need.
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Old 02-02-2015, 07:18 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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It appears to me that trying to do this on-line is not working. I worked the steps by going to meetings and visiting a sponsor at his home. I am an atheist, my sponsor is Christian. One of the meetings I go to is agnostic; the other is prayer-based.

Being open-minded does not mean changing your beliefs.
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Old 02-02-2015, 08:11 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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I drank again. Messed up my Day 15...End of story.

Some of you didn't read my post properly- I certainly didn't drink because of resentments towards the people in question. That is a huge deal regarding my point.

I won't bother explaining- it's all there in my last post.

I'm uber interested in checking out UK SMART RECOVERY - thanks, Soberwolf. I had no idea any place like that existed- if only I'd have known before I let myself down and buckled.....

Thank you for your support, everyone. I'm pretty much guaranteed gonna lean on messages like this when I'm feeling low. I'm gonna read them to give me the encouragement I so need. I wish I could do it on my own, but I know for a fact that I can't.
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Old 02-02-2015, 08:16 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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I'm sorry you drank.

So, now, I am choosing to drink on Wednesday because I no longer have the help and encouragement that I so desperately need.
I'm being genuine here - and not that it matters but I'm curious - if this,^ at base, isn't a resentment, what is it?

D
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Old 02-02-2015, 08:38 PM
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Really don't care, Dee. I won't be afraid to make posts because someone is going to take a piece of it out and analyse it.

You can if you want- I suppose, but really, I don't give a rat's heart.
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Old 02-02-2015, 08:48 PM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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If you don't feel it's resentment then that's your call.
I'm not here to annoy you Gabrielle.

I am here to try and share my experience in the hope it may help you stop drinking tho - we all are

D
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Old 02-02-2015, 08:55 PM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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?!
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Old 02-03-2015, 05:45 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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Today's a new day. Give it your best. As long as we are a better person today than the last, we can keep moving forward.
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Old 02-03-2015, 05:58 AM
  # 59 (permalink)  
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Hey Gabrielle - sorry to hear you drank on your day 15.
You can start all over again today though You don't have to continue to drink!
check out that AVRT you mentioned. All kinds of options other than AA! (I don't do AA either)
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Old 02-03-2015, 06:11 AM
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I'm sorry hear you drank Gabrielle, it was awesome to see you doing so well. To add what's been said before, many of us here don't even use the twelve steps. I barely even know what they are.

I do know one thing though: There will always be an excuse to drink as long as you look for one.

I hope you continue to strive forward on this journey and all of us here will be cheering you on along the way.
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