Struggling with AA meetings
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Struggling with AA meetings
I'd like to go to more AA meetings, but I am struggling to go. I have social anxiety to the point that if I'm put on the spot in a group of people I sometimes can't even remember my own name. I've been treated in the past with cognitive behavioural therapy which provided some relief. I've also been prescribed the beta-blocker propranalol on an as needed basis. It does help, but in the past I've only used it 1 to 3 times a year. Going to AA meetings regularly means I would need to take it quite regularly, and that is a concern to me both with frequency of use and the side effect of feeling quite tired and washed out when it wears off.
The way AA meetings work here is that the meeting leader points at random people to share. It is an option to pass, but I feel like a failure I don't say anything. What happens even with propranalol is that I spend the meeting trying to figure out what I'm going to say if I get selected while trying to hide in the crowd and at all costs avoiding eye contact with the meeting chair, so I'm checked out of the other sharing. If I am selected then I either share a few short sentenes and am so relieved that I'm checked out that the massive anxiety is gone or I don't share and feel guilty that I'm not really participating.
The anxiety around meetings is getting worse instead of better over time. Even sitting here typing about it has made me go into a heightened state with a wave of anxiety clenching my gut. I'm finding I do my best work with the steps on my own and in regular meetings with my sponsor. I don't know whether I should just let go of meetings for now and focus on what is working, or am I taking too big of a risk by not going to meetings?
Has anyone had experience with working through something like this?
The way AA meetings work here is that the meeting leader points at random people to share. It is an option to pass, but I feel like a failure I don't say anything. What happens even with propranalol is that I spend the meeting trying to figure out what I'm going to say if I get selected while trying to hide in the crowd and at all costs avoiding eye contact with the meeting chair, so I'm checked out of the other sharing. If I am selected then I either share a few short sentenes and am so relieved that I'm checked out that the massive anxiety is gone or I don't share and feel guilty that I'm not really participating.
The anxiety around meetings is getting worse instead of better over time. Even sitting here typing about it has made me go into a heightened state with a wave of anxiety clenching my gut. I'm finding I do my best work with the steps on my own and in regular meetings with my sponsor. I don't know whether I should just let go of meetings for now and focus on what is working, or am I taking too big of a risk by not going to meetings?
Has anyone had experience with working through something like this?
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 38
Hey Lance40
Yep I hear ya!! I would actually vomit before going to meetings as my anxiety got me into such a state. Totally understand the forgetting your name and feeling like a failure if I passed on the opportunity to speak.
One of the members actually made a cruel dig at me while it was his turn to speak, about me passing so much. Made me feel angry as I thought it was supposed to be in a safe and understanding place. I did speak many times in fact.
In the end I found AA to be detrimental to my recovery. Not saying that you will. But I have found other avenues that have been a lot more helpful in my recovery. Now I'm sober without AA.
Wish you all the best. Because I can feel your pain so much.
Yep I hear ya!! I would actually vomit before going to meetings as my anxiety got me into such a state. Totally understand the forgetting your name and feeling like a failure if I passed on the opportunity to speak.
One of the members actually made a cruel dig at me while it was his turn to speak, about me passing so much. Made me feel angry as I thought it was supposed to be in a safe and understanding place. I did speak many times in fact.
In the end I found AA to be detrimental to my recovery. Not saying that you will. But I have found other avenues that have been a lot more helpful in my recovery. Now I'm sober without AA.
Wish you all the best. Because I can feel your pain so much.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 72
Maybe you can ask the meeting chairperson before the meeting starts to not pick you? If you explain that this issue is causing you to avoid AA meetings maybe they will be understanding. A lot of alcoholics also suffer from anxiety. Do you see a therapist/counselor currently? If you do maybe you can ask them for other suggestions.
Also, if you are working with a sponsor, that is great. I do not think it is "risky" to avoid meetings, so I would not worry too much if you don't make that many meetings, as long as you are doing other things for your recovery, like seeing your sponsor and working on the steps. Of course, it wouldn't hurt to add meetings, if you are up to it.
Best of luck to you!
Also, if you are working with a sponsor, that is great. I do not think it is "risky" to avoid meetings, so I would not worry too much if you don't make that many meetings, as long as you are doing other things for your recovery, like seeing your sponsor and working on the steps. Of course, it wouldn't hurt to add meetings, if you are up to it.
Best of luck to you!
Last edited by Confuzd; 01-04-2015 at 12:20 PM. Reason: Added text
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I don't currently see a therapist for financial reasons. For counselling purposes my work insurance plan only covers registered psychologists which come at a premium in this area at around $160 per hour. My work plan's annual limit is $500, so that gives me 3 sessions per year that are fully covered.
I get that AA is based on a spiritual approach, and aside from AA I do place a heavy emphasis on spirituality and sobriety through both personal and corporate practices. my sponsor is a good friend, and our spiritual practices do have us in quite a bit of contact without the AA connection. In fact, I place much more importance on those practices than what I have gleaned at AA meetings. In that sense I don't feel that not going to AA meetings is leaving a spiritual void, but that could easily be a personal bias influenced by my anxiety.
I get that AA is based on a spiritual approach, and aside from AA I do place a heavy emphasis on spirituality and sobriety through both personal and corporate practices. my sponsor is a good friend, and our spiritual practices do have us in quite a bit of contact without the AA connection. In fact, I place much more importance on those practices than what I have gleaned at AA meetings. In that sense I don't feel that not going to AA meetings is leaving a spiritual void, but that could easily be a personal bias influenced by my anxiety.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi Lance.
For myself in the beginning I called this self centered fear, and worked it out rather quickly convincing myself in the overall scheme of things at a meeting and elsewhere I’m not that powerful to change the people at a meeting most of the time.
I’ve attended many thousands of AA meetings and was taught in the beginning to Pass when it came my turn AND CONCENTRATE on what’s being said, not absorbed in what I’m going to say and many times I do just pass without dire consequences, perhaps with a quiet sigh of relief from the back row, denial isle.
Also remember not many of us are trained public speakers and it's the feelings we hear that help so much.
BE WELL
For myself in the beginning I called this self centered fear, and worked it out rather quickly convincing myself in the overall scheme of things at a meeting and elsewhere I’m not that powerful to change the people at a meeting most of the time.
I’ve attended many thousands of AA meetings and was taught in the beginning to Pass when it came my turn AND CONCENTRATE on what’s being said, not absorbed in what I’m going to say and many times I do just pass without dire consequences, perhaps with a quiet sigh of relief from the back row, denial isle.
Also remember not many of us are trained public speakers and it's the feelings we hear that help so much.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 64
Hi Lance,
I can relate. A couple of options come to mind:
You could try to find and attend smaller meetings -- with, say, five or seven other people. I had similarly terrible anxiety at the beginning, which diminished significantly in smaller groups.
If smaller groups aren't available where you live, you could attend Skype meetings online. The Skype meetings are audio only, and because no one can see anyone else, it takes away a lot of the pressure. There are many links online, such as this one: Online Intergroup : Alcoholics Anonymous
Finally, I want to tell you that this definitely gets better. I was so anxious and embarrassed at my first several months of meetings that I could hardly talk at all. In time, it got a lot better. Personally, I am really grateful that I stuck it out in AA, because the additional confidence I have inside the rooms now has carried over to my life outside of AA. Plus, there are many benefits to AA "membership" -- I really do feel like I found a tribe of people with whom I can relate instantly and deeply. I have been to meetings in far-flung parts of the world, and have felt the same way.
Ultimately, I've learned that people aren't really thinking about me all the time.
Most people are thinking about themselves and what other people are thinking about them! We're all basically in the same boat.
Anyway, congratulations on your sobriety...keep it up!
I can relate. A couple of options come to mind:
You could try to find and attend smaller meetings -- with, say, five or seven other people. I had similarly terrible anxiety at the beginning, which diminished significantly in smaller groups.
If smaller groups aren't available where you live, you could attend Skype meetings online. The Skype meetings are audio only, and because no one can see anyone else, it takes away a lot of the pressure. There are many links online, such as this one: Online Intergroup : Alcoholics Anonymous
Finally, I want to tell you that this definitely gets better. I was so anxious and embarrassed at my first several months of meetings that I could hardly talk at all. In time, it got a lot better. Personally, I am really grateful that I stuck it out in AA, because the additional confidence I have inside the rooms now has carried over to my life outside of AA. Plus, there are many benefits to AA "membership" -- I really do feel like I found a tribe of people with whom I can relate instantly and deeply. I have been to meetings in far-flung parts of the world, and have felt the same way.
Ultimately, I've learned that people aren't really thinking about me all the time.
Most people are thinking about themselves and what other people are thinking about them! We're all basically in the same boat.Anyway, congratulations on your sobriety...keep it up!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by BadCompany 
You are doing fine Lance. Social anxiety is so common for people in AA it should almost be mentioned in the preamble.
I liked what you said about working the steps with your sponsor. That is the only way to get a spritual experience that worked for me. Meetings alone do not treat alcoholism. I have worked with people who, due to their circumstances, have only been able to get to one or two meetings a week, or less sometimes, yet that hasn't been a bar to recovery. We work the steps together, at a reasonable pace, and they recover.
The thing is that meetings are a great place to meet alcoholics to work with. And there comes a point in our recovery journey when we must work with others to experience the full benefits of the AA way of life. Working one on one with others seems to be vital to permanent recovery. That's why your sponsor is working with you, it's part of his recovery.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I have several suggestions
First is to read your original post at the meeting (or have someone else read it). This will give folks some idea of how difficult the situation is for you. I realize that this would be quite difficult, but it would be brutally honest. I have a feeling that a solution would 'find itself' with that one action.
The second is something I often do when I'm feeling a bit out of sorts. I listen for a problem or concern that is shared for which I might be able to say something helpful. Anything. Sometimes its just saying that I understand, or that I have felt the same way. Sometimes it's just a single sentence. But the essential ingredient is that it is intended to somehow be helpful. I have struggled sometimes to come up with that something, but it helps me to get out of myself. The more I am hurting the more important this is to do.
I would also try to find meetings that have a different format. If all the meetings in your area are like this, I would find a way to bring up your concern to people at the district level. This type of format could also be difficult for many other people, and they might also feel uncomfortable raising this concern. Doing this could be a real service to others like you who struggle with this format and don't wish to raise the concern due to their own anxiety.
First is to read your original post at the meeting (or have someone else read it). This will give folks some idea of how difficult the situation is for you. I realize that this would be quite difficult, but it would be brutally honest. I have a feeling that a solution would 'find itself' with that one action.
The second is something I often do when I'm feeling a bit out of sorts. I listen for a problem or concern that is shared for which I might be able to say something helpful. Anything. Sometimes its just saying that I understand, or that I have felt the same way. Sometimes it's just a single sentence. But the essential ingredient is that it is intended to somehow be helpful. I have struggled sometimes to come up with that something, but it helps me to get out of myself. The more I am hurting the more important this is to do.
I would also try to find meetings that have a different format. If all the meetings in your area are like this, I would find a way to bring up your concern to people at the district level. This type of format could also be difficult for many other people, and they might also feel uncomfortable raising this concern. Doing this could be a real service to others like you who struggle with this format and don't wish to raise the concern due to their own anxiety.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Wellington, NZ
Posts: 250
Hey there Lance,
Yeah, anxiety is great, aint it? :=] I'm finding that my anxiety is getting way more manageable since I stopped drinking, it's actually possible now to figure out what's going on in my head :=]
I'd totally give yourself permission to pass if you're called on in a meeting, ya know. All you really need to do is say "Pass," or maybe "I'm more into listening today, thanks." It's totally ok.
I think we tend to judge ourselves pretty harshly. If someone else passed in a meeting, how would you feel about that person? Would you judge them negatively? I don't reckon. I know, I know it's so hard to give yourself the same degree of compassion you give others, but it's really worth it. Take care.
Yeah, anxiety is great, aint it? :=] I'm finding that my anxiety is getting way more manageable since I stopped drinking, it's actually possible now to figure out what's going on in my head :=]
I'd totally give yourself permission to pass if you're called on in a meeting, ya know. All you really need to do is say "Pass," or maybe "I'm more into listening today, thanks." It's totally ok.
I think we tend to judge ourselves pretty harshly. If someone else passed in a meeting, how would you feel about that person? Would you judge them negatively? I don't reckon. I know, I know it's so hard to give yourself the same degree of compassion you give others, but it's really worth it. Take care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
I'm getting a lot of good stuff here. Every post has been helpful. My sponsor says that the "point and share" is the shared format in this area. That has also been my experience in going to 4 different meeting locations. Two things are coming up for me. I did attend a new group that is in the formative stage, so it was much easier and intimate with there being only 7 of us in total. Also, something that my sponsor has told me and that I'm hearing here is that it may be helpful to decide beforehand that I'm NOT going to share and am there to concentrate on listening. That will mean I'll need to work with the issue of viewing sharing as a measure of failure or success at a meeting, but using the principles of cognitive behavioural therapy I can see that as a way to slowly become comfortable with being physically present in a meeting and then working my way up to the comfort of sharing at whatever level works best for me.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I think finding a different meeting style or format would really help. You'd at least not feel the mounting anxiety wondering whether you're going to be called on or not. That would drive me crazy too. The way I understand AA meetings is that no one is required to speak if they don't want to. I know you've mentioned you feel like a failure if you "pass" and that is also understandable. But you do have the right to keep passing until you feel ok with sharing.
If going to AA meetings helps you in some way, then I'd try and find a way to deal with the anxiety. If it truly seems to be getting worse, as you say, then maybe it isn't for you. But I believe where there's a will, there's a way. It might take some creativity, and some meeting shopping around, but there might be a way for you to reduce your anxiety level to something manageable in order to attend.
If going to AA meetings helps you in some way, then I'd try and find a way to deal with the anxiety. If it truly seems to be getting worse, as you say, then maybe it isn't for you. But I believe where there's a will, there's a way. It might take some creativity, and some meeting shopping around, but there might be a way for you to reduce your anxiety level to something manageable in order to attend.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
Oh, I sooo get it! I'm an introvert which is not synonymous with shy. I also had social anxiety mixed in there so, yeh, the tables were tuff. I'm an old gal and there used to be saying in AA that I'm pretty sure aren't being used anymore but, in your situation with that pointing business, I would just make up my mind before the meeting that I was going to say "I'll pass. The cotton needs to stay in my mouth instead of my ears." Old timers might laugh affectionately and newcomers might think on it a bit.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
in my area the format for a meeting is people share if they want to, they simply shout up when they wish to share when the other person has finished.
there is no pressure put on anyone to share in a meeting. you can sit there and say nothing at all and just listen so i just wonder if there are meetings around you were they have that same format ? it would suit you better i think
this why i always tell anyone to try out all the different kind of meetings around so they can find something that fits them
there is no pressure put on anyone to share in a meeting. you can sit there and say nothing at all and just listen so i just wonder if there are meetings around you were they have that same format ? it would suit you better i think
this why i always tell anyone to try out all the different kind of meetings around so they can find something that fits them
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Somewhere under the stars.
Posts: 103
I have just the opposite problem, I don't feel like a failure if I don't speak...I'm afraid of being judged on what I share. Sometimes I feel my body getting hot while I share, it goes without saying I don't share often but lately been pretty much made to share...unless I explain my thinker isn't working right, right now.
But I'm to the point I feel I'm being judged anyway for not sharing.
But I'm to the point I feel I'm being judged anyway for not sharing.
Last edited by PrettyAngelDove; 01-04-2015 at 02:14 PM. Reason: Correction
AA member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 872
Lance please don't worry about not sharing,there are many people in AA who feel the way you do.I have a friend in the fellowship,she is 17 years sober and has never said a word in an AA meeting.
You should never feel pressurised to speak if you don't want to.Saying pass is fine.Most meetings here people share if they want to,there is only one that chooses people for the first 20 minutes,if I ever go to that one I try to avoid the chairpersons eye!unfortunately I have been around long enough for everyone to know my name!
I wish you well.Keep going to the meetings.
You should never feel pressurised to speak if you don't want to.Saying pass is fine.Most meetings here people share if they want to,there is only one that chooses people for the first 20 minutes,if I ever go to that one I try to avoid the chairpersons eye!unfortunately I have been around long enough for everyone to know my name!
I wish you well.Keep going to the meetings.
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