surprises
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surprises
i posted this the other day in response to another thread. thought it might be worth some conversation.
when contemplating sobriety (with a half-pint in my hand) i thought i had alot things figured out. it took the actual act of getting straight to find out i was wrong about some of these.
i would just like to point out that it is tough to imagine sobriety and its benefits when in the hole. i was in a spot where optimism was only something i could fake. if you're in this spot, just try to have faith. i really believe sobriety has more benefits than drinking/using. anyone else have any pleasant surprises?
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i dont really find it constructive to do the "if only i knew" exercise, but i reflect often on the flat-out surprises that sobriety has brought.
when i went clean, it was as result of an interventional type job loss. i went to rehab because it was the right thing to do, but i had my doubts.
* i doubted the wisdom of "going all the way" and immediately started bargaining. maybe i could quit the pills and drink in relative moderation. maybe i could just get drunk once a month. maybe i could get by if i ramped up my daily marijuana dosage. maybe i could quit drinking and get a substantial increase in my (legal) benzo script and escape as needed with that. etc... -well out of defeat, and with some advice from my counselor, i dropped everything in a "what the hell could it hurt" kind of gesture. i told myself after rehab (outpatient) i would "fix" myself up as i saw fit. then after about two months, i realized i didnt NEED any of it. i had never told anyone out loud, but thought i would always have to self-medicate because of my sensitive, nervous nature. WRONG. i was more alive than i had been in years. and becoming more resilient and confident.
* i thought that the fun was over, and maybe i would have to be sneaky to indulge in the enjoyment i got from drinking, etc. -wrong again! now i enjoy things just as much and notice all the details. and remember them! i had medicated myself just long enough to forget all about this. and, god, the subtleties of just being able to pay attention!
* i worried that i would become a party-pooping bore. -it really took some courage to admit that this is what i had become WHILE getting ripped all the time. i still dont like to think about it, but i was running out of inspiration and sounded like a broken record most of the time when i fancied myself "witty". now my conversations get interesting and intimate for real. not just because my personal chemistry experiment is peaking.
* i thought i would live in a perpetual state of "missing out". no magic for me anymore! i would be bound by a desire i could not fulfill again. -this one threw me for a loop. i realized that the state of "missing out" was what i was leaving! while indulging in my chemicals, the last ten years had just flew right by me. (i know time seems to speed up for all of us, but my last decade was a string of hangovers with occasional glimmers of enjoyment interspersed between) once i really grasped the fact that life is better (like really.) for me this way, cravings and desire became an occasional fleeting nuisance.
* the most recent surprise (im at about 10 months sober) is that im pretty much ok with myself and the self-improvements i feel i need to make are totally doable! -yes i have regrets. but i am still intact. i am capable of contributing. i am capable of deep love. i have gratitude an appreciation of the moments ive been granted. (this is opinion, so if you have been taught we are all permanently spiritually broken, or a deviant,lying schemers by nature, we'll just have to agree to disagree. i am a whole man who dug a hole).
anyways...not alot of negatives to report. yes, there is effort and difficulty. those are not negative things though. this is an endeavor im proud of. something was broke and i (with help) am repairing it! PARTY!
if i could go back in time and tell the old me these things, i probably couldnt make the sale. so i consider myself lucky.
when contemplating sobriety (with a half-pint in my hand) i thought i had alot things figured out. it took the actual act of getting straight to find out i was wrong about some of these.
i would just like to point out that it is tough to imagine sobriety and its benefits when in the hole. i was in a spot where optimism was only something i could fake. if you're in this spot, just try to have faith. i really believe sobriety has more benefits than drinking/using. anyone else have any pleasant surprises?
-------------------------------------------------------------
i dont really find it constructive to do the "if only i knew" exercise, but i reflect often on the flat-out surprises that sobriety has brought.
when i went clean, it was as result of an interventional type job loss. i went to rehab because it was the right thing to do, but i had my doubts.
* i doubted the wisdom of "going all the way" and immediately started bargaining. maybe i could quit the pills and drink in relative moderation. maybe i could just get drunk once a month. maybe i could get by if i ramped up my daily marijuana dosage. maybe i could quit drinking and get a substantial increase in my (legal) benzo script and escape as needed with that. etc... -well out of defeat, and with some advice from my counselor, i dropped everything in a "what the hell could it hurt" kind of gesture. i told myself after rehab (outpatient) i would "fix" myself up as i saw fit. then after about two months, i realized i didnt NEED any of it. i had never told anyone out loud, but thought i would always have to self-medicate because of my sensitive, nervous nature. WRONG. i was more alive than i had been in years. and becoming more resilient and confident.
* i thought that the fun was over, and maybe i would have to be sneaky to indulge in the enjoyment i got from drinking, etc. -wrong again! now i enjoy things just as much and notice all the details. and remember them! i had medicated myself just long enough to forget all about this. and, god, the subtleties of just being able to pay attention!
* i worried that i would become a party-pooping bore. -it really took some courage to admit that this is what i had become WHILE getting ripped all the time. i still dont like to think about it, but i was running out of inspiration and sounded like a broken record most of the time when i fancied myself "witty". now my conversations get interesting and intimate for real. not just because my personal chemistry experiment is peaking.
* i thought i would live in a perpetual state of "missing out". no magic for me anymore! i would be bound by a desire i could not fulfill again. -this one threw me for a loop. i realized that the state of "missing out" was what i was leaving! while indulging in my chemicals, the last ten years had just flew right by me. (i know time seems to speed up for all of us, but my last decade was a string of hangovers with occasional glimmers of enjoyment interspersed between) once i really grasped the fact that life is better (like really.) for me this way, cravings and desire became an occasional fleeting nuisance.
* the most recent surprise (im at about 10 months sober) is that im pretty much ok with myself and the self-improvements i feel i need to make are totally doable! -yes i have regrets. but i am still intact. i am capable of contributing. i am capable of deep love. i have gratitude an appreciation of the moments ive been granted. (this is opinion, so if you have been taught we are all permanently spiritually broken, or a deviant,lying schemers by nature, we'll just have to agree to disagree. i am a whole man who dug a hole).
anyways...not alot of negatives to report. yes, there is effort and difficulty. those are not negative things though. this is an endeavor im proud of. something was broke and i (with help) am repairing it! PARTY!
if i could go back in time and tell the old me these things, i probably couldnt make the sale. so i consider myself lucky.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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In hindsight the stupid decision on my part to start bargaining with myself, the writing was on the wall and yet I still thought I was the one in control, things would be different NEXT time!!
The "missing out" was happening when I was drinking, enjoying my mornings, soo many hours wasted due to hangovers, life was passing me by and I was missing it by being obsessed by what was in my glass!!
The "missing out" was happening when I was drinking, enjoying my mornings, soo many hours wasted due to hangovers, life was passing me by and I was missing it by being obsessed by what was in my glass!!
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