daxemus

Hi All, I need some support around an issue with my family. I have been checked out due to my using and drinking. I was keeping this hidden until last Friday. It was my last day out and I am very thankful I found my way back.

My family consists of my wife of 14 years and our grown son who we adopted 10 years ago when he was 15. I was 27, my wife was 30. It was a big undertaking and one we have been very glad we did. Our son has moved out and back home a few times. My wife and I have been glad to have him home for the most part. We have seen it as he just needed more time in the incubator.

Our son works FT, pays us rent and communicates well with us. There are ups and downs, but it goes well basically. My wife and I have both been feeling like he is ready to launch for a few months. He will be 25 this year and we want him to have the experience of standing on his own.

The complication came in August. His bio brother who is a year older came to live with us from another state. At first, it was a good thing. He was kind, open, polite, hard working and seemingly eager to put together a life here. Four months later he is angry, rude, disrespectful, and has not found a job.

My wife and I have talked about talking to both him and our son about a plan to move on. Today, my son and his brother were at odds. My son left for work and we have been left all day with this sullen, angry man child. I attempted to interact with him and received biting sarcasm so I left the house rather than interact more.

I am barely coming to and I certainly don't want to overreact. I haven't set many boundaries of expectations with him for the whole time he has been here since I have been using so I feel reluctant to draw some hardline now. I also hate being in my home and know my wife is just done.

Any thoughts about big decisions in early recovery?

Mark1014

From an outsider's perspective, the bio brother needs to go. Seems to me that it's all give on your part and all take on his. Then to have a bad attitude too?! There may be something I'm missing, but you and your wife should expect more in your own home.

Ruby2

Well, it's typically recommended to not engage in giant decisions early in sobriety but sometimes you have to do it to protect your recovery. I drank to avoid the unpleasantness at home. It was easier to slide into the bottle than to do anything about it. I finally did.

I quit drinking and my husband was out of control drinking. I kicked him out temporarily so that I could get my bearings and he got sober at that point.

Is the bio brother dangerous or just unpleasant? It sounds like he was decent at first. What changed? Has he been looking for work and just not finding it or is he not even looking? Maybe he's frustrated. What does your son think about it? Is the brother unpleasant to your son too? Maybe he's jealous.

If you all get on the same page of what your expectations are then sit and talk. It may very well be unpleasant or stressful but I can't imagine continuing as a prisoner in your own home. That isn't good for you or your sobriety.

These are all just observations but you have a lot on your plate right now. Hang in there. I think this has to be a big change you do make early in sobriety. The big changes they usually warn against typically are things like starting new jobs or dating. Not freeing yourself from an unpleasant house guest.

JanieJ

I'm sorry for your situation, it sounds difficult.

I'm with Ruby2 on the talking.

While the kids were growing up we had family meetings -where everyone could express themselves (respectfully) and bring up anything they wanted to talk about. We solved a lot of potential problems that way.

Perhaps bio brother was on his best behaviour at first and has now shown his true colours, or there could be jealousy or resentment as Ruby2 suggested ?

If it were me, I would call a family meeting, and get everyone's thoughts out on the table.

I would also be laying down some house rules and communicating to him that he needs to shape up or ship out.

Your sobriety comes first.

desypete

i think you have shown great patience and tolerance in this situation something i know i would find hard to do without a huge kick going up someones backside

i think you should have a family meeting and get all the cards out on the table.

be honest with him let him see what his actions are doing as if he can not see it he will not know that its causing any problems at all

infact i am going to take some of my own advice here and call a meeting of my sons as i need to get them to help me out around the home i have let them off with it for to long : )

daxemus

These are good, helpful follow-up questions. He is not dangerous, just unpleasant. Like living with a tantruming, contrary child in a man's body. The main thing that changed is the honeymoon phase passed. There is definite jealousy, sadness and anger on the bio bros part toward us. We adopted his bro while he did not have a forever family (lengthy story). We attempted to get him here a number of times to no avail. He makes every effort to let us know we are not his family. I feel the anger radiating off him some days and it's just at our very existence.

It's hard, with the petty things feeling so big in early recovery to say kind things or even true things to him. I want to say things like, "You suck!" That's not my character at all, but I fear if I sit down with him I might go there.

Notmyrealname

This guy is staying for free and giving you attitude besides?

I would tell him to rein in those horses and quick, or start packing his bags. He's a guest -- those privileges can be revoked at will.

It's your life, and it's your home. Don't let someone else make it unpleasant for you.

bunnezjp

That is a very interesting family dynamic. If he was 15 and you 27 when you adopted him 10 years ago, that would make him 25ish and you and your wife 37ish...from my perspective, I'm almost 34, it would be hard for me to think of somebody so close in age as my child rather than a younger sibling. Seeing that his bio-brother is older and even closer to you in age, I'd drop the man-child treatment and straight-up treat him like a grown man, no matter how harsh it is. If he's slacking off of finding work, being an @$$ and taking advantage of you and your wife's hospitality, you're entitled to give that same treatment right back, addict or not. Good luck.

Bunnez

daxemus

If you loved him as your son you wouldn't see him as your brother.

daxemus

Anyway, the problem isn't with my son, but his brother, who I really don't have any relationship with.

Thank you to those who have given feedback. We need to sit down with him and after venting a bit here I feel like it can be less charged. I do believe in treating others as I would want to be treated even when they are acting a fool. Just wasn't feeling stable enough to enact that.

Feel better about it now.

upminer

Family dynamic be damned if you are helping this man out because he's related to your adopted son and it's going to make you slip into drinking he needs to go. You and your wife are foremost here. Your son will understand it may take time. Obviously if it was the son causing the behavior that's different but an outsider you took in? Sorry his life has sucked but not your fault or problem. Don't ruin what you have trying to clean up someone else's problem.