boyfriend is an alcoholic
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: CA
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boyfriend is an alcoholic
My boyfriend is an alcoholic. We have been together for 3 yrs. He is unwilling to quit even to save our relationship. I try talking to him about it and it always get flipped around that I'm the bad one because I'm always nagging him about the things that he does. Mostly his drinking.
I'm at a loss of what to do. I talk to him it doesn't help. I say nothing and it eats me alive.
what do I do???
I'm at a loss of what to do. I talk to him it doesn't help. I say nothing and it eats me alive.
what do I do???
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 301
Well, the short answer is, you can't make him change - only if he decides to quit for himself will the possibility for positive change be present. I've destroyed many relationships because I chose drinking over changing/being sober for someone, so I truly feel for you. If he is an alcoholic, moderating his drinking will be a very difficult proposition...
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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Hi and welcome dmcyl24 
I can't tell you what to do, but I think you need to ask yourself if you're prepared to put up with this as it is, maybe for years, maybe forever?
what if it gets worse?
do you want more from a relationship? I certainly would?
D
I can't tell you what to do, but I think you need to ask yourself if you're prepared to put up with this as it is, maybe for years, maybe forever?
what if it gets worse?
do you want more from a relationship? I certainly would?
D
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Posts: 13
I have talked to him many times about it. I do want more out of the relationship, but as long as he is drinking, that will not happen. I know I can't change him. We have broken up and gotten back together so many times. Somehow he sweet talks me and makes me feel that it is all my fault. I fall for it every time. Makes me feel weak and worthless.
We talked tonight about his drinking and will he ever stop. He says he likes drinking and will not stop. Then somehow flipped the conversation around making things my fault and told me I nag and complain about the things he does, like drinking too much.
I know walking away is the healthy thing to do, but for some reason I feel guilty if I do, that maybe I didn't try hard enough. Codependent anyone???
We talked tonight about his drinking and will he ever stop. He says he likes drinking and will not stop. Then somehow flipped the conversation around making things my fault and told me I nag and complain about the things he does, like drinking too much.
I know walking away is the healthy thing to do, but for some reason I feel guilty if I do, that maybe I didn't try hard enough. Codependent anyone???
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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He has made it quite clear that he isn't going to stop drinking-for himself, for you or for your relationship. He also sounds quite manipulative and controlling blaming you?
As you say, you can't change him or make him stop. You can only control your own life. Nothing is going to change so you have to decide if you are prepared to waste your life in this situation with a man who makes you feel weak and worthless.
I think you need to start loving yourself and realize that you are worthy and deserve a decent relationship with a man who will love and cherish you and put you before anyone. You can start afresh and have the relationship you deserve
I've recently left my husband which was the hardest thing I've ever done but the relief I feel now is amazing. I didn't realize things were THAT bad until I was actually out of the relationship and looking at it from a distance. Wishing you all the best
As you say, you can't change him or make him stop. You can only control your own life. Nothing is going to change so you have to decide if you are prepared to waste your life in this situation with a man who makes you feel weak and worthless.
I think you need to start loving yourself and realize that you are worthy and deserve a decent relationship with a man who will love and cherish you and put you before anyone. You can start afresh and have the relationship you deserve
I've recently left my husband which was the hardest thing I've ever done but the relief I feel now is amazing. I didn't realize things were THAT bad until I was actually out of the relationship and looking at it from a distance. Wishing you all the best
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 251
Ok, don't get mad but first off don't label him. Is he an "alcoholic" which is a disease, a chemical dependence on alcohol or is he a problem drinker someone who drinks to excess and refuses to stop or acknowledge it? I'm a little touchy about this because I've been labeled an alcoholic by family when I was the latter as I had no addiction to the alcohol I just made the choice to continue destructive behavior. I also made the choice to quit. It came on my own time with my own terms. Unfortunately if he is unwilling to see the light there is little you can do. In fact when people confronted me about my drinking it actually made me angry and drink more. Welcome to the site and please try to get to understand what exactly you're dealing with first. There are many fees people here and everyone's experience is different
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
Mine is too...it sucks. I have learned that I have to change as he isn't. Learn to take care of yourself. Get into counseling...look up Alan on meetings or literature. This is a great place for information and support. Glad you are here.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Any property together? Any kids? If not the writing is on the wall.... If he values what's in a bottle over his relationship, why do you want that? You need to value yourself! I'm 2 months clean from my addiction and all signs point towards divorce for me. I am not "damaged goods" because I have a problem and am overcoming it. I don't have to stay in a relationship where I'm seen and judged by her friends family and her by my past and YOU don't have to stay in a relationship with someone who won't seek help. I was a drinker for many years but I TRIED to change things many times when my wife brought up her concerns. I failed until now but I tried. If he doesn't even try he's not worth it. Maybe some day he will see the light hopefully he won't have lost too much in the process of denial.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
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Originally Posted by dmcyl24 
Makes me feel weak and worthless.
He says he likes drinking and will not stop.
I would leave based on one of these statements.
Here, you have two rock solid reasons--for your health, sanity, emotional safety, and possibility for a better future--to walk away and not look back.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by RevivingOphelia
I would leave based on one of these statements. Here, you have two rock solid reasons--for your health, sanity, emotional safety, and possibility for a better future--to walk away and not look back.
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Hugs. You are not worthless and this isn't your fault in the least. My husband and I are both alcoholics and I am the codependent one. No amount of nagging, cajoling, discussion, or crying, all of which I did a lot of, made my husband change. Every time I tried any of the above, the discussion always became somehow my fault. "I wouldn't drink if the house weren't so messy. I wouldn't drink but the kids are driving me crazy. I wouldn't drink but you make me feel unloved." It was any number of excuses but the bottom line is it all got flipped on me. Which was asinine in retrospect because I didn't have that kind of control over him.
He isn't going to change until he wants to change. He has said he doesn't. You already know that he will sweet talk you into changing your mind if you leave again, so you have to be prepared for that. You have to ask yourself if the life you are leading right now is the life you want to have, exactly as it is or worse, ten years from now. Leaving is hard but the alternative is staying in a soul crushing relationship where you lose yourself and any sense of self worth.
Check out the family and friends section here on SR. They really are a great group of people who have a lot of valuable advice and support. Even if your boyfriend isn't "technically" an alcoholic but say, a problem heavy drinker, his drinking and actions are causing you pain. So hang in there. Read around in the family and friends thread for a while to see if it rings true for you. I always found great resonance in the "quackers" thread so scroll through to find it there if you don't see it right away.
He isn't going to change until he wants to change. He has said he doesn't. You already know that he will sweet talk you into changing your mind if you leave again, so you have to be prepared for that. You have to ask yourself if the life you are leading right now is the life you want to have, exactly as it is or worse, ten years from now. Leaving is hard but the alternative is staying in a soul crushing relationship where you lose yourself and any sense of self worth.
Check out the family and friends section here on SR. They really are a great group of people who have a lot of valuable advice and support. Even if your boyfriend isn't "technically" an alcoholic but say, a problem heavy drinker, his drinking and actions are causing you pain. So hang in there. Read around in the family and friends thread for a while to see if it rings true for you. I always found great resonance in the "quackers" thread so scroll through to find it there if you don't see it right away.
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I understand what you are saying "don't label," because that is not fair to him. However, he does come from a family history of many generations of alcoholics. I guess he would be more of a binge drinker. Drinks in excess til he passes out, but does this about 3 times a week.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by dmcyl24
I understand what you are saying "don't label," because that is not fair to him. However, he does come from a family history of many generations of alcoholics. I guess he would be more of a binge drinker. Drinks in excess til he passes out, but does this about 3 times a week.
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So my boyfriend was gone all day today. We never got to finish our talk from last night. He went in late to work tonight and I am pretty sure he was drinking. He has a certain way of saying HI when he is drunk. Now he told me he is not sure if he is coming home tonight. Pretty sure this speaks loud and clear about our relationship
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You have to value yourself more than staying in this situation. He will sweet talk you to keep you around because holding a job and having a girlfriend means he's "normal" and doesn't have a problem. Maybe he needs to lose you to wake up. In the mean time without kids or anything why stay and put yourself through it? I could see staying with a husband or the father of your child and trying to help longer but here? Cut the ties and walk away.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: BC Canada
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Originally Posted by upminer
You have to value yourself more than staying in this situation. He will sweet talk you to keep you around because holding a job and having a girlfriend means he's "normal" and doesn't have a problem. Maybe he needs to lose you to wake up. In the mean time without kids or anything why stay and put yourself through it? I could see staying with a husband or the father of your child and trying to help longer but here? Cut the ties and walk away.
You are worth far more than what he values you at.
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