fini

a gazillion times, Scared.

i "got over it" the moment i knew i was a drunk. anything the so-called AV had to say about "issues with drinking", "problems with willpower to be solved by applying more strength" or "it's okay if it's just: on weekends/with or without others/on holidays only/beer only et cetera...."
all BS.
i understood i am a drunk.
stopped the drinking cold.

forabetterlife

I drank almost daily from 2005-2011. I made many halfhearted attempts to stop, but I really didn't "get it" and really didn't want to. I managed fool (most) people, succeed at my job, take care of home and children, but I was so chained to alcohol I couldn't imagine life without it.

I have spent these past four years discovering, learning about and loving sobriety, yet after a period of time, I go back to drinking, it quickly escalates until I'm sick of it and I'm back at being sober. I'm not proud or satisfied with these past for years but they are a million times better than the 6 years preceding them and I know now that a sober life is not only possible, but more fulfilling than drinking ever was.

4 days seems to be that point for many us. 10 days is also tricky for me. I drank after 60 days once and it was the same AV nonsense that convinces me at day 4. Going on Automatic pilot, minimizing the effects of alcohol on me and my life, and not coming to sr for support or even bothering to play the tape forward or talk myself out of it, and not eating when I'm having an urge- all of these are what lead me to failure no matter what day I'm on.

It's amazing what our alcoholic brains can do and convince us of.. For me, I have to be aware of it and of the pitfalls and have plans in place for those times. It's constant work and I'm not a success (yet) but I'm getting there and I will be. We all can be.

Ellay

I found this site this past summer, and would read posts. With a huge glass of wine. I knew that I was heading down a troubled road...what started to scare me was when I awoke in the morning the mental countdown of when I could have another drink. I would struggle through work, do half hearted workouts...maintain my house...be a mom...but the loudest thoughts each day revolved around wine and drinking. I decided beginning of September that I was going to stop. Told my best friend. I lasted 6 days. I decided to moderate. Lasted 2 days. Binged till Sept 29th, when I went out and bought 2 of my fav bottles of wine, and drank them. 1/2 way through them I tearfully told fiancé I had a problem and had to stop. I went to my first meeting on October 1st, and haven't had a drink since. Relapsing scares me, but I want to think that I won't . That I don't drink anymore. That it isn't even an option for me. Do I miss it ? sometimes. But would I trade the freedom that I now have from not having obsessive thoughts running constantly through my mind ? No way. I am present 100% of the time. I was hungover every.single. Sunday morning hockey game my son had.

letitgo

IMO Anytime I am drunk I do not feel good. I need to drink more and more. A waste of life, time and money. You are right on about 4 days. The body and mind are healing and feel good. However, booze is the last thing they need at that time. Good luck to you in recovery

MelindaFlowers

I am going to borrow what Lance wrote because this was my story, word for word, day after day. Every day was exhausting and miserable. Every night I used alcohol to relieve the sickness; the same thing that was causing the sickness.

As you can see I joined here in 2010. I got sober in June of 2014. I would log in a few times a year when I thought I was ready to stop. Within a day or a few days I would stop logging in and continue drinking. I did this cycle for four years. I did not think I would ever completely stop.

I drank seven days a week and very heavily. I did not know what an evening would look like without drinking. Drinking was much of a part of my day as brushing my teeth, eating lunch and dinner, and getting dressed. However, I would have gladly stopped eating, getting dressed etc. if it meant that I could continue drinking. It was what I guarded most and the last thing I ever wanted to give up: my right to drink every night.

What changed?

On June 27th I woke up to the type of hangover that you only see in movies but don't think actually happen in real life. I had a new symptom though that I had never had before. I had shooting pains every 30 minutes that would radiate to my back. When this happened I would have to leave the chair I was sitting in and lie down. I had never been so scared in my life. Sure, I'd had pains in my liver area for a few years but I kept hoping those would go away. But pains now in my back as well? What was going on?

On June 27th I accepted that this was going to kill me. I had already been diagnosed with an inflamed liver and continued drinking after that but something about the shooting back pains scared the hell out of me. I stopped that day.

I had really damaged my body and brain and I'm only 32 years old. I knew I would not live much longer if I continued and I did not want to die. I wanted to live. I never doubted that.

Call it what you will, a "spiritual awakening," or just cutting the crap, Do you know that famous scene in the movie Mooonstruck where Cher slaps Nicholas Cage and yells "Snap out of it!"? I snapped out of it that day, whatever weird alcohol trance I was in. Well, I guess it's not a trance. It's called addiction.

Few more things:

I became more scared of drinking than not drinking.

Continuing to drink became harder than not drinking anymore.

Had you talked to me in 2012? One of the later years when my drinking had become extremely bad (daily hangovers, etc. depression) I would not have quit for anything. You would have had to pry the bottle from my hands. I was not ready or willing to stop drinking. If you're not 100 percent ready and willing, you won't stop. Life hasn't become bad enough yet.

My life (or health, more specifically) became so terrible that I finally wanted it. I finally wanted it and nothing was going to make me drink again.

One very last thing: Alcohol had stopped physically giving me a buzz. It did not make me drunk anymore. It made me "intoxicated" but I no longer felt ANY of the fun, zany, laughing, chatting, relaxation that alcohol had given me for years. It was literally like I was not drinking alcohol anymore and someone had tricked me and replaced it with floor cleaner. Something physical had changed. Alcohol no longer gave me any pleasure. Oh and I tried to find that sweet spot for probably a year after it stopped working. I wish I could put into words how strange it was when alcohol stopped giving me a buzz. As I said, it would "intoxicate" me (e.g., I couldn't write emails coherently, walk straight, think straight) but it no longer buzzed me.

Two things:

I knew death was near and I didn't want to die at 32.

Alcohol stopped working.

BBQBiker

Scared1234 - first and foremost, welcome to SR.
Every one of these posts are my story.
I drank every day and let other parts of my life go in order to continue drinking. I lost my beloved brother to alcohol and that did not stop my drinking.
Even though I had not gotten a buzz from drinking for years I continued to drink. I was a high functioning alcoholic so people thought my life was wonderful.
I would drink every evening until I blacked out and then a bit longer until I physically collapsed. My wonderful husband stood by me.
On December 6, 2014 a switch flipped and I was done. What caused the switch to flip was realizing that I was poisoning my body and mind. I was weak and depressed. I put up a good front to the public but that was the bottom line. I was killing myself slowly and deliberately and I did not want to die. I wanted to live.
So as I write this I am just beginning my 29th day of sobriety and I have never felt better.
I will never drink again and that makes me feel joyous relief. The struggle is over. I have my life back.
Good luck to you Scared1234.
Thank all those who posted here.

SDH73

I decided a little over a year ago that I would have to completely stop drinking, not right then, but soon. I've taken a lot of "breaks" over the course of my drinking, never longer than a few weeks and always with the knowledge that I would drink again at some point.

Sometime in November (2014) I decided that this was it. It's time to just quit. I'm finding it much more difficult to actually quit than "taking a break" ever was. I guess because I'm not just doing it arbitrarily, I'm trying to make a long-term change in my life.

I've stumbled twice since then, 18 days sober - stumble - 4 days sober - stumble. Now I'm on day 5. When I wake up Saturday morning it will be day 6. I think I learned a lot from my two missteps and am feeling much more confident now for having fallen and gotten back up.

melki

I see many similarities between the stories shared and my experience. My moment of clarity came June 26 2014. MelindaFlowers, I didn't relapse and don't plan to.

Jake1961

I knew I had a problem long before I did something about it and stopped. Moderation and taking nights off were lies to myself. The pleasure of alcohol was long gone, I just drank to become intoxicated. I remember thinking to myself "what benefit am I getting from this" as I poured another drink during a daily binge. The answer was always nothing, but I went and drank anyway.

My experiences toward the end were similar to what others have posted; daily hangovers, living in a mental fog, feeling lousy both physically and emotionally, spending money I did not have, and hiding my addiction from friends and family.

I had two years of sobriety 21 years ago. I was not drinking heavy then, only a few nights per week. Decided to stop but had no real motivation to stay sober.

I allowed it back in my life slowly, couple of beers on weekends, then maybe a few on Sunday night, to eventually every day and increasing quantity. Same story many here have shared.

My relapse 21 years ago was caused by me not knowing that alcohol would eventually take over my life. My family likes to drink, all of our get togethers revolve around alcohol. I work in a field where alcohol use after hours is part of the culture.

Once I realized I cannot ever drink again and decided to change my life for the better, I ditched the alcohol. 158 days sober today and life is much better now that I am no longer poisoning myself everyday.

mecanix

I kew i "should" give up from about 1998 through to 2011 .. i'd try on a monday and sometimes made it through the following weekend .. sometimes i'd last till the end of that monday and be back getting 3 bottles of red on the way home from work .

On the 1st of sept 2011 my gran died , i used it as an excuse to get drunk and avoid the world for a bit … I realised i was using the death of someone i loved as an excuse to selfishly drink .. i determined come hell or high water , even if it meant enduring unending pain for the rest of my days, torment , anguish , whatever ... i'd never do it again …
The time of my life was also slipping by .. if not now then when i asked myself , i'd tried to control it for 13 years and it only got progressively worse …

Thanks for the opportunity to share , m

Wholesome

Great thread, thank you all for sharing your stories. I found them very helpful.

erin8

More times than I care to count. I suspected I had a problem almost as soon as I started. I wanted a change but just a few days later I'd make excuses and I'd do it all over again. Somewhere in the last 8 years my binges started getting closer and closer together to the point I was drinking as soon as I walked in the door from work. That was 3pm sometimes. I drank 5-7 days a week usually so after 2 straight weeks of drinking I decided I needed a few days sober. That's when I had withdrawal symptoms for the first time. I woke up with a major panic attack, shaking hands, and felt like my world was crumbling down on me. I was scared. But of course I made excuses again after that, I just needed to space my drinking out more. Don't drink everyday. That will do it. When that failed and I was drinking almost everyday again, causing more and more damage to my marriage and home life, I decided I was going to quit for good. I was tired of the daily hangovers, the anxiety I felt driving to work, the fear that people would know that I was still drunk from the night before. I lasted 6 days before I was overwhelmed with the obsession to drink. What the hell was going on with me!?! I decided to go to an AA meeting that afternoon. I nearly cried that first meeting when I realized how many things I had in common with those people. I fought it though. Still drank... I wanted to quit because I was tired of the consequences but I wasn't ready. I kept going back out because I wasn't convinced. I still struggle with it honestly but I see a lot of that thinking for what it is now. If I'm not an alcoholic then I should just be able to stop. No problem. Well.. it isn't that easy!! So I've come to rely on AA and awesome posts like this at SR to keep me going. I've finally made it past that 4 day and 2 week hump. I've got 31 days today. What changed is the same for a lot of people who've posted already. I wanted a sober life more than I wanted to get drunk.

upminer

Tons of times... I never really declared myself that I was quitting but I tried moderation I tried different products and I always went back to the same pattern. I feel so much better now that I can clearly see what I was trying to do and how it failed every time.

Notmyrealname

When I was drinking, it made sense to keep drinking. I was usually hung over with nagging feelings of self-loathing (for want of a better term) and drinking more gave me respite from those symptoms.

When I started breaking that cycle, and started having periods of not drinking that were long enough (so, 1-2 weeks long or more) to not be hung over and depressed all the time, I (re?)gained enough experience so that I could compare that with how I felt during drinking episodes, and I could see that not drinking had a lot going for it, objectively.

And of course all the other obvious stuff: no more "wtf did I do last night?" moments, and not blowing a ton of money on booze, and not worrying about whether the boss man is going to fire me, or premature alcohol-related death, or DUI, or any of that stuff (and the list is a lot longer than just that stuff, you can fill in your own, I am sure).

I've said this before, but it took me about a year of testing the waters before I really took to this whole sobriety thing. During that year was periods of 1-9 weeks of sobriety, broken up by (usually) relatively short benders. Those benders weren't good, or of no consequence, but the sequence viewed as a whole was progress, albeit slow (I prefer "gradual") progress.

SereneEdition

Gosh, I spent many years in that loop.

Thinking back, this is what helped me get out of it:

1. A true desire to stop - I wanted to be a nondrinker, and put this as priority #1. Then I focused my day on sobriety as the most important thing I had to do. No matter what else happened, I had a good day if I didn't drink. I put some things on auto pilot for a few months so that I could focus on sobriety. I simplified everything in my life as either helping me stay sober or getting in the way. I made changes with the later, or avoided them until I could make the changes.

2. HALT - to me get from 2 days to the first month, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired was my crutch. Previous I drank for all negative sensations & had to learn to identify the root cause - and how to choose a different option that would help me to feel better. Similarly some people make a commitment to go to a meeting when they feel a craving as well. Learning what works for you instead of reaching for alcohol is a huge step in the right direction.

3. Learn from every relapse and apply it. IE make structural changes/a plan for what you will need to do differently next time.

You can do this. Good luck!

Kero

It probably took me 4-5 years. That's when my drinking went from bad to really bad. Denial is a powerful thing. I would binge on the weekends but still get out the door Monday morning for work.

I started having more and more "oh crap" moments. I knew I had a problem but somehow my brain thought I could "drink through it". Didn't work of course. I'd "quit" for a week, maybe two, then be back at it. Sometimes I would handle moderation for a bit.

For me I hit a "tipping point". I hate to use rock bottom. The effort and energy required to be a functional drunk was just too much. In all seriousness, the struggle to be sober became so much less effort than the struggle to drink and still survive.

Still, I thought I could go it alone. I googled the 12 steps... ok seems easy. I just won't drink. Of course without support that didn't work.

I am still getting there. I know I need support. I had 30 days sober so far with some relapses. Sometimes I let my AV win, but still I am realizing that drinking is harder than being sober.

Serenidad

Hi there. I posted something on you "how did you do it?" thread that applies to this thread too. Good luck to you... :-)