Spacegoat

Ok so I will start by saying that I am not having a good day.

I didn't get a good sleep last night, and the person I live with has been banging some doors all day.

I woke up today feeling like crap, went back to sleep a few times. I've been up for a few hours, basically hiding out in my room. I just feel bad, like theres a cloud hanging over me but there is no thought process. I've been tearful all day. I waited for the other person here to head out until I got a cup of tea for myself. I have been stressing out because I don't want to see that person today or anyone else, or vice versa I dont want them to see me either. I know its just 'one of those days'...

The person came back anyway, the usual banging doors nonesense, I know this is a tactic to 'get me up' or whatever. I have been basically holding my breath in the room almost, anxious as hell thinking 'how am I gonna deal with this'. I'm thinking to myself, should I just go down and say something like 'look sorry, didn't get a good night sleep last night I'm not in great form, do not expect great company', even though I can barely bring myself to get up. The problem is, this person a bit OCD, always needs to be doing something however menial, well actually the problem is they think that I should be same!

They do not not understand how I can have bad days and lie in bed or whatever, in fact they are deeply suspicious of that. They know my history with alcohol & depression, and family problems more the most, so it pisses me off that they expect I can modify my happiness factor to a suit their schedule on a perpetual basis, I already do that a lot. Like I said, as some of you might understand, today is just 'one of those days'. I don't have the head for that chirpy sh*t, this is the place I'm supposed to be living not a job interview or such. I just feel like crap today.

So anyway, this person came up to the room eventually and said. "Come on now, will you give me a hand going to the bottle bank, I thought we were supposed to be doing stuff today". (she had said last night her plan was to get rid of a load of her paperwork today, to declutter a press in the kitchen. there was no mention of 'we', she must just assumed that). So I said 'what, right now?' She said, 'yes now, hurry I'm waiting'. I said 'look, later is no problem, I'm not even up and I'm not going in to town right now this minute' .

Don't know what she said to that but I got up anyway, went down and said 'Look I'm sorry but, I'm not in good form today, got damn all sleep last night and I basically don't want to go anywhere see anyone or do anything much today, sorry'. Well she went off on one…

"I'm here doing all the housework tidying up and you won't help me (this person is not a tidy person at all), I expect more housework from you", then went on to list a whole pile of things that she expected from me, and wanted done NOW! I said look sorry, I'm not just going to jump into action because you decide. Im not standing here telling you what you should or should not be doing with your day, do I ever do that? No. If there are certain tasks you want me to do, write them down and I'l do them. "you should be able to remember them" she said, "I'm not a f'ing notepad am I" said I.

Anyway you get the jist of it, she throw a few sly digs in over the course of the argument as well. I know what her problem is, she finally had the idea of throwing out some her crap thats cluttering all up the place and decided to schedule my day in for the task also. The only problem is she neglected to ask or to tell me that. I don't see how that is my fault. And slamming some doors is not a valid form of communication these days in my book, nor is it a decent alarm clock.

Getting back to the point. Does anyone ever feel like I am today and doesn't know why? I was anxious as well, that argument hasn't helped much.

I'm basically sitting here now, holding my breath almost, trying to type this as quiet as I can. It reminds me of my childhood, the anxiety. So its gonna be an awkward evening, I don't want to deal with her today and 'discuss things' like she suggested. Its not her it's me. I will wait until she goes out again before I can get some grub or a cup of tea, just don't want the the confrontation today, however small or trivial it may seem. Worst part is, thats it I won't get any time to myself now until after the weekend. Hoping to good that i sleep better tonight and wake up in better form tomorrow, being scolded for that is only making things worse tbh…


Anyone got any advice or support for me???

I would love to get out of my skin for a bit, but alcohol is not the solution I know that much. Man F*ck this lark.

enfinthechange

What a tense situation, feel for you... Not sure what to do, buy drink is defo not the answer. Tell her you feel.ill and need sleep maybe???

Good luck...

Tonks

... This person sounds very toxic. I grew up in a similar household and dated someone very similar as well. One time our neighbors even called the police because they kept hearing loud banging and crashing and thought I was beating her... Yeah, no she was in a rage because I had to work late again and couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to hear her vent about her day. Everyday was like walking on eggshells.

And when I was around people who were toxic like that, yes, I was very prone to feeling like you are. With the compounded challenge of kicking our addiction, I imagine it would make it doubly so.

My advice is to do what you feel is necessary to maintain your sobriety above all else. Having an open, honest conversation about how you feel would be a good start. Establishing that slamming doors and the like is unacceptable would be an even better one.

Good luck mate.

P.S - Movie theaters are wonderful escapes if you need them. I've enjoyed many movies Alone just for the respite and relief.

hopeful4

Huge Sigh...I understand.

I come from the other side of this. I am the OCD one and completely guilty of doing this to my family in the past.

Honestly, unless she does some counseling it won't change. I have changed but it is very difficult and has taken some serious work. And yes, I do make lists of chores. Difference is, I live with my children so I am allowed to do this LOL.

At another time when you are feeling more calm, I would sit down and have a serious conversation about who is responsible for what. Then stick to it. That will help immensely.

Until then, give yourself a break. If you want a day in bed, that's ok. However, just don't let it bleed into depression. Make it a day to relax. And....DO NOT DRINK. That is definitely not the answer and will only make it worse.

You can do this. Breathe.

Aellyce

Is this "person" your roommate? You don't mention what type of relationship you have with her. I know how you feel because I had roommates and even intimate partners like this, disrespectful of personal space and freedom. I once lived with someone who had OCD tendencies and always had to run around doing something. We really did not mix. I don't tend to do well in any living arrangement where I don't have my own space where I can retreat when I need to and won't be disturbed. Of course if we live together with other people, it's normal that we need to share the household chores. But that can be discussed and planned in advance, so we know what everyone's role is and then we can stick with the schedule. Do you do this with her?

I would say nothing justifies the banging doors, and if all this is her spontaneous behavior, I would definitely tell her that it's the minimum to respect each-other's need for quiet. I often feel disturbed by uninvited noise around me especially when I am particularly anxious on some days. I would definitely discuss boundaries with this person you are living with.

desypete

how about taking yourself out for a walk in the fresh air, do you have a dog ? try walking the dog

the problem i had was when i wanted to do nothing then i expected to be able to do nothing and that lead me to wanting to left alone and my mood would go down and down and i would be a pain in the butt for anyone to try to live with

but for me i had to come to see this is when i have to push myself as my head tells me not to

what i found was like if by magic my moods would change just by doing somthing that i didnt want to do

so the only advice i have is either sit were you are doing nothing but feeling bad or give yourself a push to just go out of a walk a simple little task that might just might help you change your mood

i know its worked for me time and time again infact i am doing it tonight as i dont want to go out tonight as i feel a bit flat but guess what ?

i am going out to an aa meeting as i know i will be ok in a bit once i get out for a bit of company with others like me

good luck to you

DrunkTx

Steven,

Any chance she is right? Banging doors is silly, but is it possible she is worried you are falling? Might you have been slacking on your home duties? I am not insinuating that you have done anything wrong, but I'm a faithful person and believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe these obstacles are being presented on your path so you don't close up internally. IDK - but for giggles why not humor her and go along for the ride. You can be grumpy and moody, but just don't be alone. At the end of the day, if it's a total failure, then get back in here and tell me I was wrong.

Just a thought

Soberwolf

Hi Stevey rather than it being awkward tonight try to talk about it calmly and rationally if that cant be done try to take your mind off things by sticking close to SR or as others have suggested go for a refreshing sober walk or go to a mtn ? phone up a trusted sober friend ?

Sorry things are like this i understand your not feeling your best & having an off day

Things will get better soon http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ething-do.html

Carlotta

Is she your only roommate?
Anyway, I have had roommates quite a few times and I found out that while it is important to have boundaries it is also important to show some tolerance and be able to communicate effectively in a come manner.
She has OCD and you are a drunk and for some reason you have to live together and get along.

One thing I would suggest which really works is to set up a little weekly "meeting" always same day/same time where you get over household issues, expenses, problems and solutions and where you divide the chores for the common areas.
Post the chore list on the fridge and whenever you've finished one (such as vacuum living room) put a check mark.
Having a chore list is a good way to ensure that everyone knows what is their responsibility and that one roommate does not do everything around the place. (It sounds like she feels that way).

During your weekly meetings, banging doors >which is really passive aggressive btw< could be addressed in a come manner.

Spacegoat

Hi guys.

I just want to clarify my relationship with this person, and also a quick bit about them as the wrong impression may have come across.

This person is absolutely not a toxic individual, as far as some of my direct family members go she is just opposite. Thats not to say she is without the odd slight neurosis' who isn't. She is an aunt of mine, twice my age who has never drank! I'm living in her house. She never married, she has a good job which is basically her life, and she is an ordinary decent person all around. I have always got along with her, when I was younger, when things were going good for me- no problem. My mother hates her (what with the whole being evil thing and all) and resents the fact we get along…

So I am not trying to demonize this person at all! In fact i owe them a lot of gratitude, much as I have tried hard not to find myself in this position.

The banging doors thing, well I realize the imagery of that, its more a passive aggressive little slam of the back door, which happens to resonate right up the wall to where I'm at. It would make you jump though, or wake you up eventually. And she is always at that, and generally making loads of noise about house directed ta me. I said that to her today.

Is she right? No man I don't think so. It's f*cking annoying and stupid as sh*t! I know she thinks she is probably doing the right thing but seriously? Why spend so much time at that. It has the opposite effect on me.

Anyways I know what the deal is. She is projecting her frustrations at me. She has the day off today, she has f*ck all to do. She tried to tackle all that stuff she has hoarded, she can't do it so she is looking about for things to blame on me! Its about as extreme as her behavior gets and it doesn't happen that often. Still though its the air of expectation that pisses me off, especially when Im battling my own demons and depression. I do often humor her I do most of the cooking here by a long shot. I try to be in the best form I can when she's about, and when Im in good form I will do the cooking and the washing up, no problem. But just aint every f'king day, and it definitely aint today, in fact its been very few days since the relapse.

Anyway. The purpose of the thread wasn't to have a moan about her, not at all actually but more the fact of how I woke up feeling blue today and don't know why, and how the day had progressively gotten worse just because of that. I don't think that saying "sorry I'm really low today and won't be doing smalltalk or pointless tasks" or "write those errands down and I will get on top of them" is being unreasonable".

Anyways I feel a slight bit better now but not much. The problem remains. I still feel like crap and don't know why, now I have to try and put on a happy face which zaps the little energy I do have, probably will only get an earful for my efforts as well. I tried to explain it as best I could earlier but all I was met with was "oh poor little you". As I said, "well I may be poor, but I'm not that little". Load of nonsense basically. All I know is that I feel sh*t, I would have been happy with keeping it to myself and just try and get through the day my own way but there you have it.

I appreciate all of your comments

Soberpotamus

I'd ask the person not to slam doors like this ever again. It's rude and encroaching. It's passive-aggressive nonsense. It's also childish.

My stepmother was notorious for doing this kind of thing, so I can relate to how it makes you so anxious and reminds you of childhood.

If this person can't respect your space, might be time to split up.

Anna

Yes! What kind of boundaries do you have set up to protect yourself? Of course you should help with chores, but they should be done independently of her. I agree this seems like a toxic situation. I need to have personal space respected.

Spacegoat

I'l admit that she has no concept of boundaries or space. Exactly like my father was.

She used to get on to me about my room being untidy, I had to pull her up and say what the f' are you even going in there for! She believed it was her right. I had to basically explain it to her how it wasn't and she seemed to be respecting that. Unlike my father, she did seem to accept that.

Now lately again, I notice how she is now sneaking in to my room a lot. In a totally obsessive manner, like literally every time I'm not in there. She might even do it 3 times in a half hour for example. And I am fully aware of it. One half of me is like 'ah **** it sure, nothing to hide', but the other half is like 'well now hold up f*ck this, I'm going to have to say something about this', particularly as she keeps on doing it.

I find myself getting pissed off that I even have to be focusing on these stupid things when I have so many other problems to face or things I should focus on. True that

suki44883

If the living arrangements can't change at this point, maybe you should put a lock on your bedroom door. You are definitely entitled to your privacy. Sorry you're dealing with this.

PrettyAngelDove

Breathe and try the Serenity Prayer.

Hawkeye13

My philosophy would be to get your headset out, turn on your Rocksmith, and
practice on your guitar.

Get some quality earplugs and start sleeping with them.

It is her house, and she isn't going to change her habits simply because you want her to.
Fair play to you for trying to talk to her about it, but old ladies get set in their ways when they live alone, as do most of us.

Finally, schedule days out when she will home.
Do get a clear schedule for what you are expected to help with and when, and take care of that.

For example, if she sets the bottles she wants recycled out on the back porch, perhaps you can take them next time you run to town?

I expect your depression is pretty normal right now.
Remind us again how long you've been sober--
I had lots of restless, anxious, depressive days during the first months of my sobriety.
You know, the ones you usually go get a drink to deal with?

Once the drink is off the table, the AV (Addictive Voice) inside each of us triggers pretty easily in order to try to get us drinking again. Don't listen to it--be strong and it will happen less often and days will get better.

KarenSmith

Steve, I relate to how you feel. It sounds like you have a good perspective on things. The only thing I can offer is to not be too hard on yourself for doing what you need to take care of yourself. Depression and anxiety suck the life out of you and the people around you really don't understand, especially if they are not prone to depression. Can you lose yourself in a book? Claim to have a headache? Some excuse that she will accept? Good luck. Tomorrow is another day.

Carlotta

Do you pay rent? If yes, then you are entitled to your privacy and should make it clear that she has no business entering your premises. If not, then you have no choice but to suck it up and maybe start looking for other living arrangements.

Spacegoat

Hey I did actually and it helped. Somebody online a few years back suggested this to me when I was gone far out. Of course, I dismissed it "thats's an alcoholic thing" , even though I was swinging from the rafters with probably 11 cans in my hand, lol

It's a good prayer, this would be a nice place to start with building a little spiritual toolbox for myself. I tried to build a palace before but it had no foundations, and needless to say the whole thing collapsed. I am lucky to have crawled out from under the rubble even.

Thanks for that

@ Hawkeye. hey, thanks. That is a good suggestion indeed. Unfortunately the headphones I have have a really short cord on, so I won't be able to get it going as you suggested there. But absolutely, need to get that project off the ground. I need new speakers also, and I actually have my eye on some really nice vintage ones second hand, got my birthday com in up so I maybe even treat myself for that! Nobody else will anyway so.

I think when she gets back, I will have a talk with her. About the housework and stuff. And yeah, my last alcoholic episode was on the 23rd. But i had done lets say 6 months before that, I really have no desire to drink anymore. Bigtime trouble in small-town Ireland for me and always has been, can't believe that it took me so long to see it that way. I really believe I can do the whole year without taking a drink, and I'm going to monitor and reward myself for doing that. I was aware that I had a problem yes, i never actually consciously tried to address before though.

@Karen. Hi, thanks a lot. No I am not so hard on myself these days, or too far the other way. Searching for balance in all things. You are right, she really has no clue but thats not her fault. I haven't unpacked all my books yet but it is on the cards, I'm going to take a very positive/practical selection from my collection. Will be nice to read a bit again. Thanx

@Carlotta. I do pay rent yes, but its a pretty informal agreement and now that you mention it, I am behind on some bills as well. Need to get on top of my finances, yep just have to suck it up for now, I aint even looking for total happiness I am trying to get through one hoop at a time (for once).

She is gone out now so I am gonna get me some music on, thank god for that. Cheers all

Carlotta

That and the serenity prayer sound like a good plan
Enjoy.