jryan19982

Geez upminer, I am sorry. It doesnt sound like fun and I am sorry for the pain it is causing you. It seem as though you are on separate sides of the world almost. I hope you find a solution that is right for you. But at this rate, Im not sure how much longer you can continue to leave yourself in a toxic relationship that you keep getting blown off and get called names? Man dude, I am really feeling for you.

upminer

I've been hanging on out of guilt I was not a good person drinking i probably pushed my wife away due to preferring to sit and drink over Doing things with her but I'm going to keep doing my thing regardless of where the relationship goes for now just like I knew when it was time to quit I'll know when it's time to end it. It's this current "im still going out" attitude that's been bothering me then she tries to "make up" for it (sex, offering to "let" me drink like MY CHOICE means nothing, etc....) whereas is rather just spend the time together and repair the damage that **** has done to my relationships both personal and professional... I'll get there just hoping its with her but preparing myself if it's not.

upminer

I mean how am I supposed to begin healing the relationship if all she wants to do outside the house is go out with her family.... Grocery shopping isn't a date lol

jryan19982

I dunno man, those are some questions you are going to have to figure out that is specific to your situation. I hope given some time she will realize that she wants to hang out with you and go out etc... Getting sober is tough enough to do without have other distractions. Just try and take it one step at a time. Focus on your sobriety and other things might fall into place. Rent her favorite movie? Cook her favorite meal (or grab take out from her favorite place) as a surprise with candles flowers etc...

Kero

Marital advice is a little out of my league. Are you sure she isn't starting to have problems with alcohol? She seems to be freaked out by your sobriety. Not knowing her is tough but I can't see why anyone would question you having non-alcoholic drinks.

upminer

I just thank everyone for listening I still can't believe I put that much out there as I am a very private person. I am attempting another "date night" if there is another excuse I'm likely done and will probably file by spring. I just got done with my councilor and she agrees (as much as she is allowed to they obviously can't tell you to leave a marriage) I deserve a lot of what I have gotten from her and that family for my drinking however I will not pay for that forever and every day I am getting stronger. Thanks again!

Kero

No problem. My wife and I went through some tough times. She moved out twice but only for a few days. As I'm learning to be sober, she needs to learn too. My wife does the same thing when she's mad - brings up the last time I drank. Obviously we can't focus on the past and can only move forward. I know in a way we deserve it, but don't lecture me when I'm sober.

upminer

Same goes on here always bringing up the past and if I was in denial about my problem like I used to be when I was trying moderation, drinking low abv beers that tastes terrible so I could drink without gettig so drunk, etc..... That would be fine but I've made a clean break and she isn't getting it. Just like when she offered me a beer last week. I know I could probably handle just one but I won't. I can't. #1 I am making a life change for a reason, #2 I'm not starting the clock over on my sobriety date (sobriety is sobriety and one beer is not.) and less important but #3 I would hear about how I "failed" from her even though she was the one pushing me... Takin it a day at a time...

Kero

It takes time. My wife usually does not push drinks on me, but so far I have not been around booze. She doesn't really drink much anyway so that isn't a big deal.

My wife and I still have moments almost every day. Yesterday she was taking a nap and I just had a craving for some decent water (our faucet tap just doesn't seem to work well). She was napping and I ran out to get some. I get back and she accuses me of sneaking out to get booze. I didn't, but the week before I did... so... trust is tough. I was able to relapse without her knowing for a few days and it freaked her out.

Later on we had another moment. The DVR didn't record her show (it is a pile of junk, need a new one). She slams the remote down and screams about how she "hates our lives together". It was just a moment of anger, but she was still throwing my drinking in my face.

You just can't fully describe what we go through to others. I once tried honesty. I had a weak moment and was looking up 24 hour booze stores online late one night. I resisted, but I told her how I had cravings and she totally freaked out on me. The idea that the temptation is so strong at times scares her. So much for full honesty...

I still give my wife all the credit in the world, but things still get weird a lot.

My only advice is patience, and walk away when mad. Things get said and can't be unsaid. When we have bad moments and I feel my temper going, I try to come here and cool down. Just to make sure my AV doesn't take over.

upminer

"Weird" is the word.... My wife still doesn't know I fully intended on buying beer when I came home with the NA early on.... The craving was so strong and I couldn't walk away empty handed so I got the next best thing... She is a smoker who knows she needs to quit and has tried and failed so my counselor told me yesterday that much of this may be resentment towards me for succeeding where she is failing but if it is I wish she would open up because it is NOT the same thing. She has a chemical dependence mine apparently wasn't so that's why it may appear that I quit so "easily" when in reality she has no clue the psychological addiction to the act of drinking that I am dealing with....