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-   -   how to deal with jealousy (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/355052-how-deal-jealousy.html)

meltdown667 12-31-2014 08:26 AM

how to deal with jealousy
 
how does one deal with the knowledge that you have seperated and the other party is having a good time?

Spacegoat 12-31-2014 08:32 AM

It's irrelevant really. Just focus on being you and do the best you can

Jealousy is a wasted emotion

meltdown667 12-31-2014 08:35 AM

Momentary lapse of reason, it is irrelevant, thanks

Della1968 12-31-2014 08:36 AM

It is hard my ex rebounded very quickly. I am just focusing on working on me and trusting everything happens for a reason. I tell myself if it was meant to be it would have been

ScottFromWI 12-31-2014 08:58 AM

Don't worry about things that are beyond your control. Easier said than done of course, but if you at least acknowledge what you can and cannot control it is a start. For instance, you have no more control over your ex's life than you do over which side of the sky the sun is going to rise from tomorrow. Focus on what you can control.

DG0409 12-31-2014 09:17 AM

I found the most helpful thing to be to make goals for myself to improve myself or my life.

'Having a good time' frequently doesn't really have much of a deeper meaning and may just be a superficial appearance.

Finding a goal for yourself and making a real impact on your own life is more meaningful than whatever 'good time' the other person is having.

Start going to the gym, learn a new skill, focus on getting sober, join some sort of club or activity, etc.

JanieJ 12-31-2014 09:58 AM


Originally Posted by DG0409 (Post 5107189)
I found the most helpful thing to be to make goals for myself to improve myself or my life.

'Having a good time' frequently doesn't really have much of a deeper meaning and may just be a superficial appearance.

Finding a goal for yourself and making a real impact on your own life is more meaningful than whatever 'good time' the other person is having.

Start going to the gym, learn a new skill, focus on getting sober, join some sort of club or activity, etc.


This ^^^^

heartcore 12-31-2014 11:00 AM

It always helps me to remember that - if they're not working on themselves - they are bringing their same old self (the one I couldn't be in relationship with) into their next relationships. Then those new partners are either willing to accept things that I wouldn't or the same problems will emerge and play out.

I agree with others that the only response is to work on yourself and grow - physically, emotionally, relationally.

The mantra I use to get through jealousy moments is:

"If that were the right relationship for me, I'd still be in it."

I'm a tenacious woman, and even in my more challenging life moments I know that I am willing to work on my relationships and friendships, so if it got to the point that either I ended it or they did, there's not any floating possibility...

I'm pretty content on my own. I do want a flourishing and vital partnership, and figure it is just around the corner and will appear in its own time. I don't want to go backwards. I still love those I loved, and consider my exes to be pretty amazing people (or I wouldn't have chosen them in the first place); I have to work to wish them well in finding happiness with others. But, really, if I actually did love them, and didn't want them, why wouldn't it be right to wish that for them...

Jealousy is a very challenging emotion - especially when it emerges around someone we're not even currently in a relationship with!!

I think sometimes it is more of a grief for the dreams that didn't happen, or the possible future that was cut, rather than for the actual person we already broke up with...

desypete 12-31-2014 11:23 AM

wish them well and mean it from the heart

there is nothing you can do about it so why waste time and effort and pain trying to ?

it takes time of course but i know people who never get over there partners they hang on for grim death trying to cause hurt of pain or problems etc they have no life of there own as its spent trying to get even or whatever
its ugly and it kills the soul

i once hated the saying that to love someone you will be happy for the time you had with them and no want to cling on to them etc

as i would cling on believing its real love but its not its selfish love

if someone wants to be with me and love me then fine if they want to go away from me then thats fine as well so long as there happy

easy saying it i know but thats the goal or aim to try to head for

Soberpotamus 12-31-2014 11:26 AM

I'd be happy for them.

And then I'd look within and try and figure out if there's something I need, something I'm missing, or something that needs work... then focus on changing only things that I can change to make myself more content.

Turtle82 12-31-2014 11:27 AM


Originally Posted by meltdown667 (Post 5107056)
how does one deal with the knowledge that you have seperated and the other party is having a good time?

I get it but, truly, you don't actually know that from just appearances. Lots of X's play the "I'm happier than you are" game. Just think about your own happiness or doing whatever will bring that about. Just don't depend on yet another mate for that. Concentrate on yourself and what you were born with. God gives us all the tools we need when we're born. Its up to us to find and use them. Take care.


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