1-Year
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 452
1-Year
I am one day early, but wanted to get these words down while I have some free time today.
Last year at this time (December 31) I was a complete mess. I started drinking very heavily on the night of Christmas. I was literally in bed all day - except for the daily trips to the liquor store - from that night until January 1. I ran out of liquor on the Sunday following Christmas and the liquor stores were closed. I went to the ER complaining of anxiety. I made no mention of my binge. They gave me a few Xanax and sent me on my way. The next day I was at the liquor store buying a 750 mL bottle of Vodka and a pint (for good measure). All I did was drink and sleep. My insides were rotting out. I would get totally winded going up my stairs and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.
I awoke on New Years Day to a house with no alcohol. That was my worst nightmare. I knew I would be back in the hospital if I could not locate some. I remember a co-worker telling me they left me a bottle of something on my desk. I hoped to God that it was hard alcohol - beer or wine wouldn't get me through the day and night. I had the shakes and terrible anxiety as I made the 10 minute drive to my office. I can't even remember the lie I told my wife as to why I had to go to the store at 9 am on New Years Day. I did in fact go to the store on my way to the office. Not to buy something legit, but to buy some Vanilla Extract. That was my go-to in a pinch. Had enough alcohol to stave off the withdrawals. I got it and downed it on the way to my office. I parked my car and walked as fast as my beat up body would take me up the stairs, unlocked the door and went into my office to find it - my savior a bottle of Vodka sitting on my desk. I can still remember the feeling I felt when I saw it. I remember taking a deep breath and just thanking God that it was there. I was so relieved. Looking back now, it showed how sick I really was. My entire mood changed as I grabbed the bottle and made it back to my car.
I got in the car and poured a glass full and drove off. I drank that glass and instantly I felt better. I made my way home and greeted my wife. I remember telling her some stupid lie about how I saw a Dr. friend of ours at the store and how he told me that there was a bad cold/flu going around. It was a lie just to lie. I don't know how else to explain why I told her that. Weird.
The extract and Vodka did what they were intended to do. They got rid of the anxiety, shakes and withdrawals. Despite that, I felt far from good. I was so worn down from seven days of 24-7 drinking. I remember going to my room to get in bed and something clicked. I thought to myself that there was no way that one bottle was going to get me through 24+ hours when the liquor stores re-opened. Even if it did get me through, then what? I couldn't go on like this. Before I knew it I was walking to find my wife. I told her, "I have to tell you something. I haven't been sick, I have been drinking (surprise surprise) and I need help, now. I need to go to rehab."
She handled this remarkably well. We called a rehab facility. They wouldn't take me drunk so they got detox set up. I showed her my stash and came clean as to what had really been going on. She packed my stuff and off I went.
That morning, January 1, 2014, was the last time I took a drink. At that moment I accepted my surrender to alcohol. I knew that nothing would change my relationship with alcohol. I would never be a normal drinker. I was referred to an addiction therapist and went twice a week for a few months and still go once a week. I put every drop of effort possible into my recovery. I had some great days and some hard days. Especially at first - my moods would change on a dime. I just went with it. I remained steadfast throughout my mood-swings that I would not drink, not a drop. I knew that everything will pass. I did not need to add fuel to the fire.
Those first few months were difficult. I was fragile and couldn't handle being around alcohol, or situations were alcohol was the focus. I just stayed away. As my recovery gained momentum my focus was creating a life where alcohol had no place whatsoever. I have always loved endurance sports and I jumped off the deep end. I mountain biked more than ever. I rode a 50K race. Then I turned my focus to running. I ran more than ever and felt great, completing a 50K trail race this Fall. I gained a ton of confidence and being around alcohol no longer bothers me (nor does it trigger me). I have no desire to drink, even when others are. I just think of my upcoming workout. This is good because I am around alcohol a lot when I travel for work.
I took an inventory of the people in my life and determined that some relationships needed to be ended. I moved my office, a decision I had been wrestling with for ages. It was extremely hard at first - I am a people-pleaser and I had a hard time being comfortable with a decision that made some people very unhappy. My recovery has taught me that I deserve love, especially from myself, and that sometimes this self love will not align with the motivations of others. Once I got over the initial unrest, it was easy for me to see that this was the best decision I ever made.
So what have I gained over this year:
1. Confidence.
2. Clarity. I realized that I don't need instant gratification for everything. Even though something may look one way in one moment, if I take some time to think it over, it may look completely different.
3. Peace. I have started to feel calm and peaceful. Despite being good feelings, when I first felt them they were so foreign to me that I didn't know how to interpret them.
4. Love for myself. Its ok to be "different."
5. Love and appreciation for others.
6. A disdain for alcohol. I don't hate alcohol. I don't have negative feelings toward drinkers. I hate my personal relationship with alcohol. The smell of it now is physically revolting to me. It is a physical interpretation of my relationship with it.
7. Calm. Its ok not to be going 24-7. Its ok not to be "busy"
8. Mindfulness. This is a work in progress. To live in the moment. When I can do it, there is no better feeling.
9. Self-Identity. I am finally ok identifying as an alcoholic. I ran from this term for years. I cannot change who I am. If I were not an alcoholic, more precisely a Recovering Alcoholic, I would not have the wisdom I now have.
I wish each and every one of you that are struggling the best year possible. I know we all say this, but if I can do it anyone can. I tried for years to "stop drinking" but never tried to get "sober." When that thought clicked - to get SOBER it had meaning behind it and it happened for me. It wasn't all sunshine and roses - hell I had to learn to live life on life's terms, but it was totally doable. My hardest days sober were infinitely easier than my best days in active alcoholism.
PM me if any one of you ever need a "shoulder."
HAPPY SOBER NEW YEAR!
Last year at this time (December 31) I was a complete mess. I started drinking very heavily on the night of Christmas. I was literally in bed all day - except for the daily trips to the liquor store - from that night until January 1. I ran out of liquor on the Sunday following Christmas and the liquor stores were closed. I went to the ER complaining of anxiety. I made no mention of my binge. They gave me a few Xanax and sent me on my way. The next day I was at the liquor store buying a 750 mL bottle of Vodka and a pint (for good measure). All I did was drink and sleep. My insides were rotting out. I would get totally winded going up my stairs and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.
I awoke on New Years Day to a house with no alcohol. That was my worst nightmare. I knew I would be back in the hospital if I could not locate some. I remember a co-worker telling me they left me a bottle of something on my desk. I hoped to God that it was hard alcohol - beer or wine wouldn't get me through the day and night. I had the shakes and terrible anxiety as I made the 10 minute drive to my office. I can't even remember the lie I told my wife as to why I had to go to the store at 9 am on New Years Day. I did in fact go to the store on my way to the office. Not to buy something legit, but to buy some Vanilla Extract. That was my go-to in a pinch. Had enough alcohol to stave off the withdrawals. I got it and downed it on the way to my office. I parked my car and walked as fast as my beat up body would take me up the stairs, unlocked the door and went into my office to find it - my savior a bottle of Vodka sitting on my desk. I can still remember the feeling I felt when I saw it. I remember taking a deep breath and just thanking God that it was there. I was so relieved. Looking back now, it showed how sick I really was. My entire mood changed as I grabbed the bottle and made it back to my car.
I got in the car and poured a glass full and drove off. I drank that glass and instantly I felt better. I made my way home and greeted my wife. I remember telling her some stupid lie about how I saw a Dr. friend of ours at the store and how he told me that there was a bad cold/flu going around. It was a lie just to lie. I don't know how else to explain why I told her that. Weird.
The extract and Vodka did what they were intended to do. They got rid of the anxiety, shakes and withdrawals. Despite that, I felt far from good. I was so worn down from seven days of 24-7 drinking. I remember going to my room to get in bed and something clicked. I thought to myself that there was no way that one bottle was going to get me through 24+ hours when the liquor stores re-opened. Even if it did get me through, then what? I couldn't go on like this. Before I knew it I was walking to find my wife. I told her, "I have to tell you something. I haven't been sick, I have been drinking (surprise surprise) and I need help, now. I need to go to rehab."
She handled this remarkably well. We called a rehab facility. They wouldn't take me drunk so they got detox set up. I showed her my stash and came clean as to what had really been going on. She packed my stuff and off I went.
That morning, January 1, 2014, was the last time I took a drink. At that moment I accepted my surrender to alcohol. I knew that nothing would change my relationship with alcohol. I would never be a normal drinker. I was referred to an addiction therapist and went twice a week for a few months and still go once a week. I put every drop of effort possible into my recovery. I had some great days and some hard days. Especially at first - my moods would change on a dime. I just went with it. I remained steadfast throughout my mood-swings that I would not drink, not a drop. I knew that everything will pass. I did not need to add fuel to the fire.
Those first few months were difficult. I was fragile and couldn't handle being around alcohol, or situations were alcohol was the focus. I just stayed away. As my recovery gained momentum my focus was creating a life where alcohol had no place whatsoever. I have always loved endurance sports and I jumped off the deep end. I mountain biked more than ever. I rode a 50K race. Then I turned my focus to running. I ran more than ever and felt great, completing a 50K trail race this Fall. I gained a ton of confidence and being around alcohol no longer bothers me (nor does it trigger me). I have no desire to drink, even when others are. I just think of my upcoming workout. This is good because I am around alcohol a lot when I travel for work.
I took an inventory of the people in my life and determined that some relationships needed to be ended. I moved my office, a decision I had been wrestling with for ages. It was extremely hard at first - I am a people-pleaser and I had a hard time being comfortable with a decision that made some people very unhappy. My recovery has taught me that I deserve love, especially from myself, and that sometimes this self love will not align with the motivations of others. Once I got over the initial unrest, it was easy for me to see that this was the best decision I ever made.
So what have I gained over this year:
1. Confidence.
2. Clarity. I realized that I don't need instant gratification for everything. Even though something may look one way in one moment, if I take some time to think it over, it may look completely different.
3. Peace. I have started to feel calm and peaceful. Despite being good feelings, when I first felt them they were so foreign to me that I didn't know how to interpret them.
4. Love for myself. Its ok to be "different."
5. Love and appreciation for others.
6. A disdain for alcohol. I don't hate alcohol. I don't have negative feelings toward drinkers. I hate my personal relationship with alcohol. The smell of it now is physically revolting to me. It is a physical interpretation of my relationship with it.
7. Calm. Its ok not to be going 24-7. Its ok not to be "busy"
8. Mindfulness. This is a work in progress. To live in the moment. When I can do it, there is no better feeling.
9. Self-Identity. I am finally ok identifying as an alcoholic. I ran from this term for years. I cannot change who I am. If I were not an alcoholic, more precisely a Recovering Alcoholic, I would not have the wisdom I now have.
I wish each and every one of you that are struggling the best year possible. I know we all say this, but if I can do it anyone can. I tried for years to "stop drinking" but never tried to get "sober." When that thought clicked - to get SOBER it had meaning behind it and it happened for me. It wasn't all sunshine and roses - hell I had to learn to live life on life's terms, but it was totally doable. My hardest days sober were infinitely easier than my best days in active alcoholism.
PM me if any one of you ever need a "shoulder."
HAPPY SOBER NEW YEAR!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
this is outstanding. Congratulations on all of it.
I just passed my one-year sobriety mark earlier this week too. I can relate to all that you said.
Thank you for sharing and for helping reinforce my own sobriety.
The offer of a shoulder is there for YOU as well - should you need it.
well done.
I just passed my one-year sobriety mark earlier this week too. I can relate to all that you said.
Thank you for sharing and for helping reinforce my own sobriety.
The offer of a shoulder is there for YOU as well - should you need it.
well done.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 301
Originally Posted by Ethos23 
I am one day early, but wanted to get these words down while I have some free time today.
Last year at this time (December 31) I was a complete mess. I started drinking very heavily on the night of Christmas. I was literally in bed all day - except for the daily trips to the liquor store - from that night until January 1. I ran out of liquor on the Sunday following Christmas and the liquor stores were closed. I went to the ER complaining of anxiety. I made no mention of my binge. They gave me a few Xanax and sent me on my way. The next day I was at the liquor store buying a 750 mL bottle of Vodka and a pint (for good measure). All I did was drink and sleep. My insides were rotting out. I would get totally winded going up my stairs and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.
I awoke on New Years Day to a house with no alcohol. That was my worst nightmare. I knew I would be back in the hospital if I could not locate some. I remember a co-worker telling me they left me a bottle of something on my desk. I hoped to God that it was hard alcohol - beer or wine wouldn't get me through the day and night. I had the shakes and terrible anxiety as I made the 10 minute drive to my office. I can't even remember the lie I told my wife as to why I had to go to the store at 9 am on New Years Day. I did in fact go to the store on my way to the office. Not to buy something legit, but to buy some Vanilla Extract. That was my go-to in a pinch. Had enough alcohol to stave off the withdrawals. I got it and downed it on the way to my office. I parked my car and walked as fast as my beat up body would take me up the stairs, unlocked the door and went into my office to find it - my savior a bottle of Vodka sitting on my desk. I can still remember the feeling I felt when I saw it. I remember taking a deep breath and just thanking God that it was there. I was so relieved. Looking back now, it showed how sick I really was. My entire mood changed as I grabbed the bottle and made it back to my car.
I got in the car and poured a glass full and drove off. I drank that glass and instantly I felt better. I made my way home and greeted my wife. I remember telling her some stupid lie about how I saw a Dr. friend of ours at the store and how he told me that there was a bad cold/flu going around. It was a lie just to lie. I don't know how else to explain why I told her that. Weird.
The extract and Vodka did what they were intended to do. They got rid of the anxiety, shakes and withdrawals. Despite that, I felt far from good. I was so worn down from seven days of 24-7 drinking. I remember going to my room to get in bed and something clicked. I thought to myself that there was no way that one bottle was going to get me through 24+ hours when the liquor stores re-opened. Even if it did get me through, then what? I couldn't go on like this. Before I knew it I was walking to find my wife. I told her, "I have to tell you something. I haven't been sick, I have been drinking (surprise surprise) and I need help, now. I need to go to rehab."
She handled this remarkably well. We called a rehab facility. They wouldn't take me drunk so they got detox set up. I showed her my stash and came clean as to what had really been going on. She packed my stuff and off I went.
That morning, January 1, 2014, was the last time I took a drink. At that moment I accepted my surrender to alcohol. I knew that nothing would change my relationship with alcohol. I would never be a normal drinker. I was referred to an addiction therapist and went twice a week for a few months and still go once a week. I put every drop of effort possible into my recovery. I had some great days and some hard days. Especially at first - my moods would change on a dime. I just went with it. I remained steadfast throughout my mood-swings that I would not drink, not a drop. I knew that everything will pass. I did not need to add fuel to the fire.
Those first few months were difficult. I was fragile and couldn't handle being around alcohol, or situations were alcohol was the focus. I just stayed away. As my recovery gained momentum my focus was creating a life where alcohol had no place whatsoever. I have always loved endurance sports and I jumped off the deep end. I mountain biked more than ever. I rode a 50K race. Then I turned my focus to running. I ran more than ever and felt great, completing a 50K trail race this Fall. I gained a ton of confidence and being around alcohol no longer bothers me (nor does it trigger me). I have no desire to drink, even when others are. I just think of my upcoming workout. This is good because I am around alcohol a lot when I travel for work.
I took an inventory of the people in my life and determined that some relationships needed to be ended. I moved my office, a decision I had been wrestling with for ages. It was extremely hard at first - I am a people-pleaser and I had a hard time being comfortable with a decision that made some people very unhappy. My recovery has taught me that I deserve love, especially from myself, and that sometimes this self love will not align with the motivations of others. Once I got over the initial unrest, it was easy for me to see that this was the best decision I ever made.
So what have I gained over this year:
1. Confidence.
2. Clarity. I realized that I don't need instant gratification for everything. Even though something may look one way in one moment, if I take some time to think it over, it may look completely different.
3. Peace. I have started to feel calm and peaceful. Despite being good feelings, when I first felt them they were so foreign to me that I didn't know how to interpret them.
4. Love for myself. Its ok to be "different."
5. Love and appreciation for others.
6. A disdain for alcohol. I don't hate alcohol. I don't have negative feelings toward drinkers. I hate my personal relationship with alcohol. The smell of it now is physically revolting to me. It is a physical interpretation of my relationship with it.
7. Calm. Its ok not to be going 24-7. Its ok not to be "busy"
8. Mindfulness. This is a work in progress. To live in the moment. When I can do it, there is no better feeling.
9. Self-Identity. I am finally ok identifying as an alcoholic. I ran from this term for years. I cannot change who I am. If I were not an alcoholic, more precisely a Recovering Alcoholic, I would not have the wisdom I now have.
I wish each and every one of you that are struggling the best year possible. I know we all say this, but if I can do it anyone can. I tried for years to "stop drinking" but never tried to get "sober." When that thought clicked - to get SOBER it had meaning behind it and it happened for me. It wasn't all sunshine and roses - hell I had to learn to live life on life's terms, but it was totally doable. My hardest days sober were infinitely easier than my best days in active alcoholism.
PM me if any one of you ever need a "shoulder."
HAPPY SOBER NEW YEAR!
Last year at this time (December 31) I was a complete mess. I started drinking very heavily on the night of Christmas. I was literally in bed all day - except for the daily trips to the liquor store - from that night until January 1. I ran out of liquor on the Sunday following Christmas and the liquor stores were closed. I went to the ER complaining of anxiety. I made no mention of my binge. They gave me a few Xanax and sent me on my way. The next day I was at the liquor store buying a 750 mL bottle of Vodka and a pint (for good measure). All I did was drink and sleep. My insides were rotting out. I would get totally winded going up my stairs and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.
I awoke on New Years Day to a house with no alcohol. That was my worst nightmare. I knew I would be back in the hospital if I could not locate some. I remember a co-worker telling me they left me a bottle of something on my desk. I hoped to God that it was hard alcohol - beer or wine wouldn't get me through the day and night. I had the shakes and terrible anxiety as I made the 10 minute drive to my office. I can't even remember the lie I told my wife as to why I had to go to the store at 9 am on New Years Day. I did in fact go to the store on my way to the office. Not to buy something legit, but to buy some Vanilla Extract. That was my go-to in a pinch. Had enough alcohol to stave off the withdrawals. I got it and downed it on the way to my office. I parked my car and walked as fast as my beat up body would take me up the stairs, unlocked the door and went into my office to find it - my savior a bottle of Vodka sitting on my desk. I can still remember the feeling I felt when I saw it. I remember taking a deep breath and just thanking God that it was there. I was so relieved. Looking back now, it showed how sick I really was. My entire mood changed as I grabbed the bottle and made it back to my car.
I got in the car and poured a glass full and drove off. I drank that glass and instantly I felt better. I made my way home and greeted my wife. I remember telling her some stupid lie about how I saw a Dr. friend of ours at the store and how he told me that there was a bad cold/flu going around. It was a lie just to lie. I don't know how else to explain why I told her that. Weird.
The extract and Vodka did what they were intended to do. They got rid of the anxiety, shakes and withdrawals. Despite that, I felt far from good. I was so worn down from seven days of 24-7 drinking. I remember going to my room to get in bed and something clicked. I thought to myself that there was no way that one bottle was going to get me through 24+ hours when the liquor stores re-opened. Even if it did get me through, then what? I couldn't go on like this. Before I knew it I was walking to find my wife. I told her, "I have to tell you something. I haven't been sick, I have been drinking (surprise surprise) and I need help, now. I need to go to rehab."
She handled this remarkably well. We called a rehab facility. They wouldn't take me drunk so they got detox set up. I showed her my stash and came clean as to what had really been going on. She packed my stuff and off I went.
That morning, January 1, 2014, was the last time I took a drink. At that moment I accepted my surrender to alcohol. I knew that nothing would change my relationship with alcohol. I would never be a normal drinker. I was referred to an addiction therapist and went twice a week for a few months and still go once a week. I put every drop of effort possible into my recovery. I had some great days and some hard days. Especially at first - my moods would change on a dime. I just went with it. I remained steadfast throughout my mood-swings that I would not drink, not a drop. I knew that everything will pass. I did not need to add fuel to the fire.
Those first few months were difficult. I was fragile and couldn't handle being around alcohol, or situations were alcohol was the focus. I just stayed away. As my recovery gained momentum my focus was creating a life where alcohol had no place whatsoever. I have always loved endurance sports and I jumped off the deep end. I mountain biked more than ever. I rode a 50K race. Then I turned my focus to running. I ran more than ever and felt great, completing a 50K trail race this Fall. I gained a ton of confidence and being around alcohol no longer bothers me (nor does it trigger me). I have no desire to drink, even when others are. I just think of my upcoming workout. This is good because I am around alcohol a lot when I travel for work.
I took an inventory of the people in my life and determined that some relationships needed to be ended. I moved my office, a decision I had been wrestling with for ages. It was extremely hard at first - I am a people-pleaser and I had a hard time being comfortable with a decision that made some people very unhappy. My recovery has taught me that I deserve love, especially from myself, and that sometimes this self love will not align with the motivations of others. Once I got over the initial unrest, it was easy for me to see that this was the best decision I ever made.
So what have I gained over this year:
1. Confidence.
2. Clarity. I realized that I don't need instant gratification for everything. Even though something may look one way in one moment, if I take some time to think it over, it may look completely different.
3. Peace. I have started to feel calm and peaceful. Despite being good feelings, when I first felt them they were so foreign to me that I didn't know how to interpret them.
4. Love for myself. Its ok to be "different."
5. Love and appreciation for others.
6. A disdain for alcohol. I don't hate alcohol. I don't have negative feelings toward drinkers. I hate my personal relationship with alcohol. The smell of it now is physically revolting to me. It is a physical interpretation of my relationship with it.
7. Calm. Its ok not to be going 24-7. Its ok not to be "busy"
8. Mindfulness. This is a work in progress. To live in the moment. When I can do it, there is no better feeling.
9. Self-Identity. I am finally ok identifying as an alcoholic. I ran from this term for years. I cannot change who I am. If I were not an alcoholic, more precisely a Recovering Alcoholic, I would not have the wisdom I now have.
I wish each and every one of you that are struggling the best year possible. I know we all say this, but if I can do it anyone can. I tried for years to "stop drinking" but never tried to get "sober." When that thought clicked - to get SOBER it had meaning behind it and it happened for me. It wasn't all sunshine and roses - hell I had to learn to live life on life's terms, but it was totally doable. My hardest days sober were infinitely easier than my best days in active alcoholism.
PM me if any one of you ever need a "shoulder."
HAPPY SOBER NEW YEAR!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Ethos, congratulations on one year. Thank you for sharing that. It is powerful and one thing stood out for me in particular. I tried a long time to quit drinking but it wasn't until I started making efforts to stay sober that things changed. Well done on living sober!
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
congrats, happy new year and thank you! a truly phenomenal post about taking the recovery reigns and running, you didn't walk!, into a sober life!
^^^ this is how a successful first year sober happens! so grateful for your share. you put into very concise words a 'how to' for anyone going for a sober life.
and this > "I tried for years to "stop drinking" but never tried to get "sober." When that thought clicked - to get SOBER it had meaning behind it and it happened for me." - was the mental shift that got me on the road to recovery too.
your joy is so clear in this post it feels like i can reach out and touch it! very happy for you and wish this journey you've described to happen for all here in the new year.....
kudos.
Originally Posted by Ethos23
That morning, January 1, 2014, was the last time I took a drink. At that moment I accepted my surrender to alcohol. I knew that nothing would change my relationship with alcohol. I would never be a normal drinker. I was referred to an addiction therapist and went twice a week for a few months and still go once a week. I put every drop of effort possible into my recovery. I had some great days and some hard days. Especially at first - my moods would change on a dime. I just went with it. I remained steadfast throughout my mood-swings that I would not drink, not a drop. I knew that everything will pass. I did not need to add fuel to the fire.
and this > "I tried for years to "stop drinking" but never tried to get "sober." When that thought clicked - to get SOBER it had meaning behind it and it happened for me." - was the mental shift that got me on the road to recovery too.
your joy is so clear in this post it feels like i can reach out and touch it! very happy for you and wish this journey you've described to happen for all here in the new year.....
kudos.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
All I can say is I am in awe. Great post. Congratulations on your first of many years.
You made me remember that I got that same feeling when I picked up my bottle sometimes. Even after I got sober I had some denial as to how bad I was.
Happy New Year to you and yours!
You made me remember that I got that same feeling when I picked up my bottle sometimes. Even after I got sober I had some denial as to how bad I was.
Happy New Year to you and yours!
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