FreeOwl

For the record - I believe in marijuana's medicinal properties. I also know and believe there are those who use it in that way legitimately.

My point is that for MANY, the whole medicinal argument is a red herring. For many - particularly those who have struggles with addiction - I believe that the medicinal argument has become an 'angle'.

Why do I believe this? Because I know a lot of people who use it for precisely that. I am one of the people who considered using it as an 'angle'. For many years I quietly and to myself used it as rationale to support my continued use.... marijuana was not only "not as bad" as alcohol.... but actually GOOD.

But whether it is good or bad - for ME and for others I have encountered, marijuana can have a negative impact on our ability to free ourselves from addiction.

I will never be 'anti-marijuana' or suggest that those who use it for medicinal or even spiritual purposes shouldn't be allowed to. My point was simply that for those of us who struggle with addiction, alcoholism, and life on life's terms; we may be in a different boat than people like your grandmother.

Andante

In all these excellent responses, no one has mentioned that if the woman was coming fresh off an alcoholic bender, her brain chemistry was still way wacked out.

Freshly sober drunks tend to be emotional, unreasonable, and have an extreme, irrational sense of self-entitlement and defensiveness (I know I did!) — it’s just one of the manifestations of alcohol’s long-term effects on the brain, and it generally eases a bit with continued abstinence as things begin to stabilize.

I guess it’s another way of saying what everyone else has said, but from a biochemical rather than a psychological perspective. The net take is the same: "don’t take it personally."

Fly N Buy

Sponsor told me one time, if it's said to all in a meeting it's sharing - may help someone other than intended person

Outside the meeting environment it may be construed as preaching even with the best of intentions.

Pray for her.......
peace

Eddiebuckle

You first asked her if she wanted to hear your ES&H, which is important. She apparently wants validation rather than honesty, which would explain why she can't get past the first step: she still thinks she has power over her addiction.

Your motives were pure, she simply isn't ready. The reaction is her issue, not yours. Let it go.

Hawks

"The truth will set you free but first it will **** you off."..... Kinda sums up what happened I think

As an aside to that...... If your pot smoking friend was to pop up on SR and start a thread about some Jerk that accosted her outside the meeting and ripped into her and left her angry and upset......... How do you think everyone on SR would react?

I think this is a good example that there are always two sides to every story.

We often hear from the supposedly "ripped into" but seldom do we hear from the supposed "rippee "

Soberpotamus

I think it's a really good thing you are concerned enough about the experience to post about it From the "rippee" angle, as said by Hawks above.

Dee74

I think you tried to do a good thing from pure motives FO.
you'll never know what seed you may have planted...either with this women, or here in this thread

D

Serenidad

I realized you knew what she was talking about once I read thru all the posts. Duh! :-)

fini

sounds like the intention and your heart were in thew right place, but a boundary was crossed.
yes, it belongs in a meeting. if you wanted to let someone know that you have ESH in an area and are approachable, you/we can do it at the next meeting./
i sometimes want to "help" and have a bit of a struggle. the idea of "helping" is different from "sharing".
it's helpful for me to remember "attraction "rather than "promotion". what you offered in the private way may easily come across as promoting what you see as best and right.

MelindaFlowers

I'll bet what you said planted a seed in her mind.

FreeOwl

Welp I can't undo it.

I acted from a place of good intent. I hope she won't fault me for it long term.

It's given me new insight and new experience and I hope it means new wisdom in how I carry my offerings in the future.

Happy New Year all... It's bed time.

EndGameNYC

You were interested in helping, and she responded by getting into a power struggle which probably has nothing at all to do with you, except possibly for your gender as another poster commented.

You only have to read a few threads on SR to know that many of us come into sobriety with psychological and emotional problems that we're generally very willing to project onto the rest of the world. This is perfectly natural and happens all the time beyond the world of recovery as well in varying degrees.

But yeah, as per Carlotta's comments, I've never approached a woman about anything in AA, except those I've come to know or befriended who have longer-term sobriety. Doing otherwise is a disaster waiting to be ignited.

FreeOwl

Yeah.. That makes sense. After becoming 'AA friends' with her over the years and having shared ground with her I had felt comfortable that my gender wasn't going to be a negative but I could have that all wrong. We can't know another's view without asking or being told, so it's very possible.

Soberwolf

Serenidad you done it again hugs FO is male Serenidad have a great new years day my friend

sprout50

Freeowl, Your heart was in the right place. Just sounds like she is not fully ready yet to hear you. I can tell you that I read your posts here and have always found them helpful. Continue to share and hopefully one day, she will be ready.

Altoids

You did the right thing. You have to follow your instincts.

miamifella

I have a strong feeling that her response had not so much to do with what you said as what she had been hearing before you spoke. To perhaps put her reaction into context, if you share with any regularity in AA, many people are going to come up to you afterward to tell you what they think you are doing wrong. And it can get overwhelming. And you may have been there for the breaking point.

I cannot say that I ever got angry as she did, but I avoided the feedback after awhile by running out as soon as the meeting is over.

I think that what would have helped me was not so much the critical feedback as perhaps positive direction. I know that is supposed to come from the BB and a higher power, but I think positive reinforcement from other group members can do a lot too to avoid these kind of scenes after meetings. Having a friend in the program can do a lot, that even the most insightful critiques cannot.

FreeOwl

Yeah that all makes sense. At the time I had the perspective that the 'here's what worked for me and I thought maybe some of it might be of use to you' was being positive and not critical.

But, I can see how easily it can be taken the other way.

miamifella

For those of us who did not (do not) define a higher power, the program can be very lonely. And if she is sharing the kind of stuff you say she did, she is getting a lot of negative feedback.

I would suggest continuing to talk to her, but not offering feedback for a while. Having a friendly face in the room makes it easier to return time after time.

Turtle82

I just want to address the gender thing. I got support from a whole department of male AA members at work. I owe going to AA in the first place to them. In fact, in my belief, God put me in that department to help me along toward facing my problem. They were most clever in how they approached me. When I got to AA I heard these gender warnings 13th Stepping and got it but also kept an open mind about it. I'm specifically talking about a woman's perspective. Many of us have "Daddy issues" and don't react well to any male "telling us what to do." But, there are some women who have been burned by other women with some having "Mommy issues" too. So, in the interim, before we begin to trust women, male support is better than none. That's just my view and I realize each situation is different... that's why I try to keep an open mind on it.