When Sharing Backfires....
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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she did say yes.... though at first her response when I asked if she would be interested in hearing my experience, strength and hope was "Well, that's giving your words a lot of power".
I said I wasn't intending my words to have any power, just that I felt called to share some of my experience with her and would she like to hear it. Then she said yes. Reflecting on that, there was already a warning flag in her initial response. She was automatically lashing back at me before I'd even offered anything. Maybe it was a sign that my best reaction would have been simply saying "OK, perhaps now isn't the time, have a nice day".
I said I wasn't intending my words to have any power, just that I felt called to share some of my experience with her and would she like to hear it. Then she said yes. Reflecting on that, there was already a warning flag in her initial response. She was automatically lashing back at me before I'd even offered anything. Maybe it was a sign that my best reaction would have been simply saying "OK, perhaps now isn't the time, have a nice day".
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Location: New England
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Originally Posted by soberwolf 
Im wondering what would have happened if this was said in the mtn with other ppl there rather than the 1on1 chat you sought out She either didnt want or wasnt ready to hear what you said which is a shame as she could have learnt something from it you never know she still might Maybe next time say it at a mtn so others could benefit rather than just 1 All the best & happiness for 2015 Freeowl
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Originally Posted by Serenidad
Hey Wolf, Owl said in her post that wanted to share her experience "during" the meeting but by the time it was her turn to talk time had run out & the meeting was over. That's why she talked to her 1 on 1. :-)
I'm a guy.....
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by ArtFriend
I don't know why, but it seems to me that people in general (in my experience) are way more defensive than they were in the past. It's almost as if everyone has a chip on their shoulder and the slightest thing (real or perceived) knocks it off.
What you've brought up is a special area of interest for me. There are many things going on psychologically for the unduly defensive people on the planet. I could write a book. Suffice to say that being defensive in the extreme is an escape from freedom and a disavowal of personal responsibility, among much else (such as a defense against genuine intimacy). As long as I blame other people, events or the world for my perceived failures and shortcomings, I'm living a life that is inauthentic to a very great degree, and I can never expect to be taken seriously, perhaps even lovingly.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
If you stop with the analysis your day will go much better. Trust that God has your back in this. If you believe that, then all else will fall away.
Not everyone is always going to enthusiastically embrace everything you say. Either don't say it, or be tough enough to hear the response.
Do you think Martin Luther King, or Jesus, or any other spiritual leader never had anyone challenge them?
Just because she wasn't receptive doesn't mean you didn't do the right thing.
(Where is that "Do it anyway" prayer...?)
Not everyone is always going to enthusiastically embrace everything you say. Either don't say it, or be tough enough to hear the response.
Do you think Martin Luther King, or Jesus, or any other spiritual leader never had anyone challenge them?
Just because she wasn't receptive doesn't mean you didn't do the right thing.
(Where is that "Do it anyway" prayer...?)
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
The other side of this coin, FreeOwl, is that, if this woman were a member of SR or another recovery site, she might well come back here and post that she met a crazy and obnoxious "oldtimer" or "Big Book thumper" at a meeting who told her that she was doing everything wrong, that she's a POS, and that if she didn't stop smoking she'd end up dead. "This is why I don't like AA. They intentionally make you feel like shite, just because their sober lives are shite." Happens all the time. When we're new to recovery or struggling with relapsing, we're not always in the best shape to assess other people's motives or the meaning of their words. Any threat to the status quo -- with all unhealthy activities or lifestyles -- is often taken as an insult or as an otherwise mean-spirited attack. Many people are simply unwilling to stop, and they/we will defend their/our addictions with everything they've/we've got. When I've attempted to do what you did, I most frequently get "the look" that says, "I really don't care how you got sober. I'll stand here until you're done babbling, but I'm not listening to a word you say, you pompous, condescending POS. I hope you bleed to death during the course of your preaching so that I can witness your slow, painful death." People who are sober often appear to be insane or damaged to those who are not. And vice versa. It's just the way things are.
MY EXPERIENCE:
I tried to get sober without AA from 1999-2008 and it didn't work. I couldn't stay sober. I finally went to AA and stayed sober for 5 & 1/2 years. I stopped going to AA and I relapsed. For 13 months I tried to get sober without AA and kept drinking. I started AA again 24 days ago and have been sober for 24 days.
For ME.....AA works. People are amazing in those rooms and love me unconditionally. That is MY experience. I've NEVER seen anyone treat another member of AA poorly...quite the opposite.
I can respect your opinion though. Maybe you had a rare bad experience at meeting and I'm really sorry that that happened to you. I wish I could take you to some of my meetings. They would never treat you poorly. :-(
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Location: New England
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
The other side of this coin, FreeOwl, is that, if this woman were a member of SR or another recovery site, she might well come back here and post that she met a crazy and obnoxious "oldtimer" or "Big Book thumper" at a meeting who told her that she was doing everything wrong, that she's a POS, and that if she didn't stop smoking she'd end up dead. "This is why I don't like AA. They intentionally make you feel like shite, just because their sober lives are shite." Happens all the time. When we're new to recovery or struggling with relapsing, we're not always in the best shape to assess other people's motives or the meaning of their words. Any threat to the status quo -- with all unhealthy activities or lifestyles -- is often taken as an insult or as an otherwise mean-spirited attack. Many people are simply unwilling to stop, and they/we will defend their/our addictions with everything they've/we've got. When I've attempted to do what you did, I most frequently get "the look" that says, "I really don't care how you got sober. I'll stand here until you're done babbling, but I'm not listening to a word you say, you pompous, condescending POS. I hope you bleed to death during the course of your preaching so that I can witness your slow, painful death." People who are sober often appear to be insane or damaged to those who are not. And vice versa. It's just the way things are.
MY EXPERIENCE:
I tried to get sober without AA from 1999-2008 and it didn't work. I couldn't stay sober. I finally went to AA and stayed sober for 5 & 1/2 years. I stopped going to AA and I relapsed. For 13 months I tried to get sober without AA and kept drinking. I started AA again 24 days ago and have been sober for 24 days.
For ME.....AA works. People are amazing in those rooms and love me unconditionally. That is MY experience. I've NEVER seen anyone treat another member of AA poorly...quite the opposite.
I can respect your opinion though. Maybe you had a rare bad experience at meeting and I'm really sorry that that happened to you. I wish I could take you to some of my meetings. They would never treat you poorly. :-(
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yeah, I'm not letting it ruin my day or getting bent over it.
I guess the real purpose behind my analysis is to reflect and see if I'm ok in my own inventory, to consider how my intent might be better taken next time, to hear others' experience and reflections as part of my own on-going growth.
Also, it helps me procrastinate on the chores I'm avoiding right now while I eat my lunch......
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
If you stop with the analysis your day will go much better. Trust that God has your back in this. If you believe that, then all else will fall away.
Not everyone is always going to enthusiastically embrace everything you say. Either don't say it, or be tough enough to hear the response.
Do you think Martin Luther King, or Jesus, or any other spiritual leader never had anyone challenge them?
Just because she wasn't receptive doesn't mean you didn't do the right thing.
(Where is that "Do it anyway" prayer...?)
Not everyone is always going to enthusiastically embrace everything you say. Either don't say it, or be tough enough to hear the response.
Do you think Martin Luther King, or Jesus, or any other spiritual leader never had anyone challenge them?
Just because she wasn't receptive doesn't mean you didn't do the right thing.
(Where is that "Do it anyway" prayer...?)
yeah, I'm not letting it ruin my day or getting bent over it.
I guess the real purpose behind my analysis is to reflect and see if I'm ok in my own inventory, to consider how my intent might be better taken next time, to hear others' experience and reflections as part of my own on-going growth.
Also, it helps me procrastinate on the chores I'm avoiding right now while I eat my lunch......
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I don't think End Game feels that way at all - I think he was pointing out that sometimes, people are left with those kind of beliefs in their reaction to other AA's attempts to offer their experience.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
All we have is our story. It's hard to say anything wrong for those who want to listen and hard to say anything right for those that don't.
Even with her reaction you do not know how much of your story stuck. I always try to leave out comes in God's hands
Even with her reaction you do not know how much of your story stuck. I always try to leave out comes in God's hands
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
I think you did the right thing. For what it's worth, plenty of people approached me when I was still drinking and struggling in AA. Although I never voiced my opinions out loud to them, I had similar thoughts. "You don't understand" or "You don't know what you're talking about" or whatever excuse I had.
Now that I'm sober, I see their shares in an entirely different light. The problem was with me and being an active alcoholic, not with the kind people who were trying to help me.
If you're sharing from your heart from a place of goodwill, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Hopefully she'll come around, but that 's up to her, not you.
Now that I'm sober, I see their shares in an entirely different light. The problem was with me and being an active alcoholic, not with the kind people who were trying to help me.
If you're sharing from your heart from a place of goodwill, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Hopefully she'll come around, but that 's up to her, not you.
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl
I don't think End Game feels that way at all - I think he was pointing out that sometimes, people are left with those kind of beliefs in their reaction to other AA's attempts to offer their experience.
Happy New Year Owl (Mr. FreeOwl ;-)), EndGame, Wolf and everyone else here !!! :-)
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
There are many things going on psychologically for the unduly defensive people on the planet. I could write a book. Suffice to say that being defensive in the extreme is an escape from freedom and a disavowal of personal responsibility, among much else (such as a defense against genuine intimacy). As long as I blame other people, events or the world for my perceived failures and shortcomings, I'm living a life that is inauthentic to a very great degree, and I can never expect to be taken seriously, perhaps even lovingly.
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IMO ya did good. Ya checked yer motive and it seems the motive was in the right place.
The reaction was probably a defense thing as she knows there's truth to it.
And a possibility that it is stuck in her head and hopefully someday she wil see the truth to it in herself.
The reaction was probably a defense thing as she knows there's truth to it.
And a possibility that it is stuck in her head and hopefully someday she wil see the truth to it in herself.
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