Newly sober + throwing a New Year's Party??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 11
Newly sober + throwing a New Year's Party??
Hey guys, I'm on day 10 today and starting to freak out a little about New Year's tomorrow...
My husband is super social and has invited everyone over for a big party at our house for New Year's. It's been on the schedule forever, and our friends, families, and coworkers are all coming over to our place. We live in a pretty remote area so most likely there will be 20 people or so staying the night as well, to avoid driving.
I'm really nervous about it. I'm super introverted and alcohol was my only coping mechanism for handling crowds of people. I don't know if cancelling the party is the right solution - it's the last minute and I really am not ready to explain to 60+ people why we're cancelling a party right now. But, it's at my house, so it's not like I can just leave if I'm feeling uncomfortable.
Pretty much everyone coming is a heavy drinker, and they'll all be really shocked to see that I'm not drinking. I don't really know what to do. I'm brand new at this and don't have a sponsor or even any friends at all who are non-drinkers. Anyone have any suggestions for me??
My husband is super social and has invited everyone over for a big party at our house for New Year's. It's been on the schedule forever, and our friends, families, and coworkers are all coming over to our place. We live in a pretty remote area so most likely there will be 20 people or so staying the night as well, to avoid driving.
I'm really nervous about it. I'm super introverted and alcohol was my only coping mechanism for handling crowds of people. I don't know if cancelling the party is the right solution - it's the last minute and I really am not ready to explain to 60+ people why we're cancelling a party right now. But, it's at my house, so it's not like I can just leave if I'm feeling uncomfortable.
Pretty much everyone coming is a heavy drinker, and they'll all be really shocked to see that I'm not drinking. I don't really know what to do. I'm brand new at this and don't have a sponsor or even any friends at all who are non-drinkers. Anyone have any suggestions for me??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
i wouldnt do it. Talk to your husband. The mess alone would irritate me. Also explain to him if someone has an accident at your house or on the way home you guys could be held legally liable.
I love my sobriety and to keep it, that was one of the first things I cut out.
I love my sobriety and to keep it, that was one of the first things I cut out.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It MIGHT be simpler to go spend that night, yourself, at a nice hotel (if you can get reservations). I can understand your reluctance to make a last-minute cancellation of a large party that's been planned for some time, but do YOU necessarily have to be there? Your sobriety comes first. Maybe let your husband, "Mister Sociable," handle the host duties.
If there's no way out, I'd plead a headache or something and go to bed early. Next year you can plan NOT to host a big NYE celebration--well in advance.
If there's no way out, I'd plead a headache or something and go to bed early. Next year you can plan NOT to host a big NYE celebration--well in advance.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 11
That's my first instinct, but he's super excited about it. And when everyone asks why, that would involve telling all of our extended family, his bosses, etc that I'm an alcoholic, and I really don't think I'm ready for that yet (did I mention that I'm an introvert? Ha!)
I'm trying to brainstorm ways to make it work. I have a stash of non-alcoholic drink options for me, maybe nobody will notice that my drink is NA, or ask why I'm not drinking? I just wish I had one sober friend who could come support me :/
I'm trying to brainstorm ways to make it work. I have a stash of non-alcoholic drink options for me, maybe nobody will notice that my drink is NA, or ask why I'm not drinking? I just wish I had one sober friend who could come support me :/
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 11
That's my first instinct, but he's super excited about it. And when everyone asks why, that would involve telling all of our extended family, his bosses, etc that I'm an alcoholic, and I really don't think I'm ready for that yet (did I mention that I'm an introvert? Ha!)
I'm trying to brainstorm ways to make it work. I have a stash of non-alcoholic drink options for me, maybe nobody will notice that my drink is NA, or ask why I'm not drinking? I just wish I had one sober friend who could come support me :/
I'm trying to brainstorm ways to make it work. I have a stash of non-alcoholic drink options for me, maybe nobody will notice that my drink is NA, or ask why I'm not drinking? I just wish I had one sober friend who could come support me :/
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I still don't think being in a heavy-drinking environment is a good idea (AT ALL) only 10 days into sobriety.
As for explaining why you're not drinking, all I ever tell people is that I quit drinking because I decided it wasn't good for me. All the info anyone needs. Further questions are rude and need not be answered.
As for explaining why you're not drinking, all I ever tell people is that I quit drinking because I decided it wasn't good for me. All the info anyone needs. Further questions are rude and need not be answered.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Personally I would be pretty irritated that Mr Sociable invited all those people over without consulting first with me (and that's not even taking into account the fact that you are in early sobriety.
You have already decided to attend so I won't waste my breathe on that.
Just let him handle the guests and remember that No thank you is a complete sentence and so is I don't feel like drinking.
You have already decided to attend so I won't waste my breathe on that.
Just let him handle the guests and remember that No thank you is a complete sentence and so is I don't feel like drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 11
Haha, Carlotta - we planned it together several months ago (before I got sober). He's offered to cancel and is doing his best to be supportive, but he doesn't want to lie to his family / friends / coworkers about why, which kind of puts me on the spot :/
I still may try to figure out something else to do, but literally everyone I know within driving distance will be at my house, so it's not like I'll have backup friends to go hang out with somewhere quieter. I may try the headache thing. What crappy timing, huh?
I still may try to figure out something else to do, but literally everyone I know within driving distance will be at my house, so it's not like I'll have backup friends to go hang out with somewhere quieter. I may try the headache thing. What crappy timing, huh?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
for me, the hotel is a great idea.
Though if your husband is happy to cancel then maybe take him up on his offer? He could say you are unwell and not up for visitors-it's not strictly untrue. There is no way he should be telling anyone you are an alcoholic. It is not his place to say it and it is totally unnecessary for it to be said.
Be honest with yourself. Can you see yourself attending the party and NOT drinking? I know I couldn't at 10 day sober. The pressure, the people pushing drinks on you, the social anxiety, the nervousness. Please be careful. I hosted a party at 6 weeks sober and had no coping skills of dealing with others drinking around me. I also had no idea how to deal with the cravings/urges when they arose which they did. I thought my only option was to drink, so I did. It was only with a longer period of sobriety and having learnt coping skills etc that I can now do it.
Please be careful. Put your sobriety before your husband, what he wants and what anyone else wants.
Though if your husband is happy to cancel then maybe take him up on his offer? He could say you are unwell and not up for visitors-it's not strictly untrue. There is no way he should be telling anyone you are an alcoholic. It is not his place to say it and it is totally unnecessary for it to be said.
Be honest with yourself. Can you see yourself attending the party and NOT drinking? I know I couldn't at 10 day sober. The pressure, the people pushing drinks on you, the social anxiety, the nervousness. Please be careful. I hosted a party at 6 weeks sober and had no coping skills of dealing with others drinking around me. I also had no idea how to deal with the cravings/urges when they arose which they did. I thought my only option was to drink, so I did. It was only with a longer period of sobriety and having learnt coping skills etc that I can now do it.
Please be careful. Put your sobriety before your husband, what he wants and what anyone else wants.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
this is a tough one... LexieCat is on to something...
Or you could go to a jewelry store tomorrow and get a fake grill for your teeth, tell everyone you broke your jaw and it was wired shut, and you can't drink... but alas, another lie,
I hope your husband supports you one million percent.
Or you could go to a jewelry store tomorrow and get a fake grill for your teeth, tell everyone you broke your jaw and it was wired shut, and you can't drink... but alas, another lie,
I hope your husband supports you one million percent.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
If your husband offered to cancel I'd take him up on that offer.
Like Ready said you can cancel on the grounds of not feeling up to it.
Worrying about a lie seems to a bit bizarre to me in these circumstances to be honest - is there a part of you that wants the party?
D
Like Ready said you can cancel on the grounds of not feeling up to it.
Worrying about a lie seems to a bit bizarre to me in these circumstances to be honest - is there a part of you that wants the party?
D
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by ClearMarcela 
He's offered to cancel
i know this is difficult for you but your sobriety is of the upmost importance here
There is always next year to plan for
and worst case scenario try & book a hotel for the evening
Good luck
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 11
Dee - yeah, part of me is looking forward to it. I love all those people dearly, I'm just not looking forward to being the only sober one in the room. Also I tend to get overwhelmed easily by large crowds, and in the past, drinking would enable me to be social and friendly without feeling all panic-y.
I know how important this is and I'm taking everything really seriously, and I feel like I would do anything to hold on to my sobriety, (even though it's super short right now), including lying, I guess. I just hate the thought of letting a huge group of friends down. Honestly I'm a terrible liar - I have a really hard time keeping up with it and usually spill the beans as soon as someone looks at me funny. We host a lot and it will definitely be suspicious if we cancel at the last minute. I don't want people to worry that I'm dying in the hospital or something. I would feel so guilty replying to like 60 text messages from people worrying about me coming down with, and then miraculously recovering from, some fake illness at the last minute. Plus I just hate it - makes me feel icky inside :/
I know how important this is and I'm taking everything really seriously, and I feel like I would do anything to hold on to my sobriety, (even though it's super short right now), including lying, I guess. I just hate the thought of letting a huge group of friends down. Honestly I'm a terrible liar - I have a really hard time keeping up with it and usually spill the beans as soon as someone looks at me funny. We host a lot and it will definitely be suspicious if we cancel at the last minute. I don't want people to worry that I'm dying in the hospital or something. I would feel so guilty replying to like 60 text messages from people worrying about me coming down with, and then miraculously recovering from, some fake illness at the last minute. Plus I just hate it - makes me feel icky inside :/
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 11
I just realized how much it sounds like I'm making excuses.
I didn't think I was, but now I realize I might be.
Still, I hate confrontation and would hate trying to explain this to everyone last minute :/
I didn't think I was, but now I realize I might be.
Still, I hate confrontation and would hate trying to explain this to everyone last minute :/
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I'd probably do the hotel thing, if I were in this situation. Actually, I'd probably cancel the party, lol. But I am known to be quite a hermit 
You really need to put your sobriety first. Sounds like such a cliche, I know. "Put your sobriety first" - so what does this mean? I think it means having a little foresight about what might trip you up. And not backing down. Not feeling the need to people please.
Hope you do end up working something out. Sounds like a potentially tough and dangerous set-up.
You really need to put your sobriety first. Sounds like such a cliche, I know. "Put your sobriety first" - so what does this mean? I think it means having a little foresight about what might trip you up. And not backing down. Not feeling the need to people please.
Hope you do end up working something out. Sounds like a potentially tough and dangerous set-up.
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