April45

My husband & I have been dealing with our 21 year old recovering addict son. It's been 3 yrs on and off again. He's been to jail. Seems to be trying. He is working, but not thriving. I feel like having him live with us is somehow not a positive for him. He feels a bit like a leech for lack of better word. Love him lots tho! Any suggestions how we can support him but with him under a different roof. He can't manage $'s, but living w/ us seems so make it worse. He doesn't have the responsibilities one has when out on their own, which I think is a hinderance.
I guess I want to be the mama bird and push him out of nest so he can fly, but wonder if there are places he can live. I don't want him to be homeless again or push him back to drugs.
I know this is a complicated question. Thank u for any help.

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR.

What does your son say when you talk to him about living somewhere else or learning how to manage money more effectively?

biminiblue

Has he been to rehab?

There are sober living houses. Usually that is recommended in rehab. (Halfway houses). Call AA and ask about it, or call the Salvation Army or a private rehab and ask questions.

FreeOwl

I hope I never have to choose between potentially-enabling my child and the gut-wrenching feeling of their potential downward spiral when I refuse to continue enabling their addiction.....

I feel for you.

I can't offer you any direct-experience on this one so I am not going to.

I can say that I moved out of the house at 17. I struggled along and continued to wrestle with alcohol abuse and substance abuse and by some miracle and my mother's occasional support, managed to muddle through to my early 20's. Then after blowing my education joined the Army where I continued to foster my alcoholism and then continued that gradually for a couple more decades along with a lot more substance abuse, a couple DUIs and a couple divorces until finally in my 40's I'm clean and sober.

My only point in that is that with and without my family's support.... I didn't address my addictions until I was ready to do so. I wasn't ready to do so until I'd amassed enough experience and consequences that I made the choice for myself that I wanted to live another way.

I wish you all the best and I will say that I hope you are seeking your own support (try the friends and family's forum here too) as you find your way through this. It must be incredibly hard to be a parent watching your son's struggles.

Welcome to SR. We are here for you.

Soberwolf

Welcome to SR

I would suggest rehab salvation army ?

April45

I do appreciate these responses. I can and will try the suggestions.

In response to the question, when asking my son about financial issues, he has said he can't figure out how people manage their money. Problem is, he doesn't really have the self control thing down. So when most of us want to spend money, but we know we can't cause there's going to be a bill due, we don't spend it. I honestly thought about getting him a book about budgeting.

Thank you for the help.

SeekingGrowth

I've been where you are at, and I would highly recommend that your son move into a recovery home. These are also called 3/4 houses, transitional homes, or sober living homes/environments. The trick is finding a good one, as I don't believe they are specially regulated by the state - at least, they aren't in Michigan. Contact local rehab facilities for recommendations. These homes impose structure, accountability, and focus on recovery. I think it is often a problem for someone in early recovery to return home from rehab to the very environment in which he previously used. Everything is a trigger, including the family dynamic, and it is so hard for the family not to be wary and suspicious of the recovering addict's every move - which of course is not good for the addicts recovery either.

FreeOwl

Many if us who struggle with addiction also struggle with finances. For me it was never about not 'knowing how'. I'm quite smart and I imagine your son is too. Finances aren't rocket science. The trouble is likely not that he doesn't get 'don't spend more than you earn' or that he can't do simple math and track what he spends. The issue is more likely he is unwilling and lacks the discipline. This unfortunately cannot come from a book. It must come from within. And also, at least for me, it has to come from my own hard knocks. As long as my parents supported my shortcomings and lack of discipline - there was never any reason to develop myself in those areas.

IOAA2

Hi.
For your questions and sanity I recommend the forum on this site called “Friends and Family.”
For a face to face greatest group help I Al-Anon meetingS in your area.
I refer to lovingly to them as the black belt folks who will go all out to help us. I’m not saying we like all the ideas that are presented but they are usually on target. They have been there and understand.

BE WELL