Janis

Alcohol has ripped through my life and it's sad because I'm still having stupid thoughts like I'm making up that I'm an alcoholic and trust me, I'm an alcoholic. There is no way to look at my drinking and define it as normal. I was hiding my drinking from my boyfriend. I would try and get in drinks whenever and wherever I could. He found me out so many times and I would constantly lie about it. Who hides vodka in their shoes? Well he's had enough and broke up with me. I spent the last two days drinking constantly and am sobering up today. I feel horrible and haven't been able to eat in a while or sleep for that matter.
My sponsor knows what happened and has advised I continue to work on my fourth step. I'm meeting a woman from the program for coffee after work (I will most likely only be able to drink water) and then we're headed to a meeting. Tomorrow I have to look for an apartment because I'm currently without a home and am staying at the place of a very active alcoholic. One who came home last night and kept talking to me about how AA is a cult. I was thinking about that this morning and even if it is what is the alternative?I am scared that I will never be able to beat this thing. How does my mind get away from me like that? I still have my job and people who care but if I keep going down this path I am scared about how bad it will get.

Please tell me that I can do this. I wish my boyfriend and I didn't break up as I love him so much but he's right. I need help and he doesn't deserve to to through this with me.

feeling-good

You have done the right thing! Alcoholism will kill you, no doubt about it. Getting sober and recovering is the right and only thing to do. Your relationship may or may not be recovered as part of this, but without sobriety, there is no chance. I wish you the best and glad you have come here - SR is a truly wonderful place

luvmygirls

Janis, I am so sorry about your breakup, but you're right...you will bring him right down with you if he stays. And one more thing: "Drunk you" might want something in a relationship that "sober you" doesn't want or need. I base this on personal experience (and someone who also hides alcohol in their shoes!)

SoberLeigh

Yes, Janis, you CAN do this.

Your AV is still very active - suggesting that you might not be an alcoholic, etc. For me, acceptance (rock solid, unshakeable, acceptance) that I was/am an alcoholic, that I cound not/cannot moderate, and that alcohol had/has absolutely nothing of value to offer was the most instrumental element on getting me on the path to sobriety and recovery.

Hope you can find a new living arrangement soon, Janis.

Rooting for you.

midnightapt

If nothing else, let the end of that relationship serve as a reminder to you the destruction that alcohol causes. Anytime I entertain the idea of starting to drink again, what brings me to my senses is remembering all the dumb things I did as a drunk, and reading the stories about all the dumb things other people do when they're drunk. We're all capable of the same destructiveness when we drink, and the only solution is to quit drinking.

Soberwolf

Hi Janis stay in daily contact with your sponser keep going AA and do whatever it takes to stay sober

Sorry about whats happened but if you stay sober things will get a lot better

SR can offer help support guidance & advice this place is fantastic for sobriety

stick close keep reading keep posting

you can do this

Janis

Thank you for the supporting words. I think I've reached my bottom.

How did I ever think that hiding alcohol was ok or normal? I just don't understand this disease is so cunning.

I really hope that things can get better. I'm really scared.

SoberLeigh

Things can get better, Janis; I promise.

I understand your fear but have faith; you can and will get through this.

SR is here for you.

midnightapt

I did so many messed up things, I don't even try to understand how alcohol can cause such behavior. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing that matters is that when I'm drunk I do ridiculous things, and since I've gotten sober, I've done nothing to be ashamed of.