So much harder this time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
So much harder this time
Hello my friends. Once again I must ask for help...I must seem like a permanent whiner to you all.
I had 2 years and almost 7 months and I threw it away. I'm still working through the process that led me down that path...complacency, depression, taking antidepressants, stopping my meetings, forgetting how it was in the past, just wanting to be a normie...who knows. It was very likely I'd had enough of struggling through life and just wanted out for a while. I wanted a night where I just got tipsy and laughed with my family round the Christmas tree...not the reality of a sad first Christmas without my Dad.
So I did it. And yeah, you guessed it, there was no happy laughing scene sitting around the tree. I got blackout drunk and have forgotten most of the evening. I hurt some good people and would like to turn back the clock.
Well...no prizes for guessing that. But now I'm in trouble. My husband broke his sobriety with me and now has no intention of stopping again. Years ago we quit together. Not this time it would seem. I've a few days sober time..5 or 6 I think. He spends his evenings drinking next to me and I'm in full craving mode.
Tell him to stop? Ask him to drink when I'm not around? This is his home too. I love him very much and we have always drunk together or stopped together. This seems different. Harder for me to remain sober.
I've great support from my sponsor and sober friend network, but I'm not at all confident that I will make it this time. It's 7.30 am here and I've woken up thinking of vodka. Not a good sign.
I had 2 years and almost 7 months and I threw it away. I'm still working through the process that led me down that path...complacency, depression, taking antidepressants, stopping my meetings, forgetting how it was in the past, just wanting to be a normie...who knows. It was very likely I'd had enough of struggling through life and just wanted out for a while. I wanted a night where I just got tipsy and laughed with my family round the Christmas tree...not the reality of a sad first Christmas without my Dad.
So I did it. And yeah, you guessed it, there was no happy laughing scene sitting around the tree. I got blackout drunk and have forgotten most of the evening. I hurt some good people and would like to turn back the clock.
Well...no prizes for guessing that. But now I'm in trouble. My husband broke his sobriety with me and now has no intention of stopping again. Years ago we quit together. Not this time it would seem. I've a few days sober time..5 or 6 I think. He spends his evenings drinking next to me and I'm in full craving mode.
Tell him to stop? Ask him to drink when I'm not around? This is his home too. I love him very much and we have always drunk together or stopped together. This seems different. Harder for me to remain sober.
I've great support from my sponsor and sober friend network, but I'm not at all confident that I will make it this time. It's 7.30 am here and I've woken up thinking of vodka. Not a good sign.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Jeni 
There's a lot of good folks here who have strong resilient and vibrant recoveries - despite the fact their spouses drink.
I'm not saying it's not difficult but it is achievable, with commitment and effort.
Don't let your inner addict run with this - it's just an excuse like all the other things that put you back there that sad dark night.
You don't want to go back there. The great thing is you don't have to.
It really is your choice
D
There's a lot of good folks here who have strong resilient and vibrant recoveries - despite the fact their spouses drink.
I'm not saying it's not difficult but it is achievable, with commitment and effort.
Don't let your inner addict run with this - it's just an excuse like all the other things that put you back there that sad dark night.
You don't want to go back there. The great thing is you don't have to.
It really is your choice
D
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Have you spoken to him frankly about what happened, your plans going forward, and what you need from him? If you guys have quit before then he should know what it entails. Ultimately the only person you can control is you, though. That's good that you have a sponsor and a support network to lean on. Maybe spend more time out of the house and with sober people until you get your bearings. Wishing you the best!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
I'm so sorry you relapsed Jeni. I relapsed after 5 & 1/2 years of sobriety and now have 3 weeks. It HAS been much harder this time. Our disease progresses even when we aren't drinking. We are also a few years older than the first time we got sober so our bodies don't handle it well.
I drank for 13 months until I was in enough emotional pain that I wanted to stop and change my life. I finally got to that point on December 7th when I was having suicidal thoughts.
If you truly want to stay sober you can! I went back to AA three weeks ago and it has been critical for my recovery! The face-to-face support and accountability is important for me.
You know what to do to get and stay sober if you really want it. Don't let alcohol kill you. Your life is worth more than that! I just read your post when you had 2 years. You sounded so positive and happy! You can get that back! One day at a time!
(((Hug))) and prayers!
I drank for 13 months until I was in enough emotional pain that I wanted to stop and change my life. I finally got to that point on December 7th when I was having suicidal thoughts.
If you truly want to stay sober you can! I went back to AA three weeks ago and it has been critical for my recovery! The face-to-face support and accountability is important for me.
You know what to do to get and stay sober if you really want it. Don't let alcohol kill you. Your life is worth more than that! I just read your post when you had 2 years. You sounded so positive and happy! You can get that back! One day at a time!
(((Hug))) and prayers!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Yes you are right Dee. I know the right choice to make. I go from being positive and resolute in my new sobriety to the complete opposite in seconds.
Today I'm meeting up with my new boss for a few hours and it feels good to be clear headed. But I'm already getting the whispers about drinking later. I need to use this as a learning experience...otherwise I get so down about it I can't see any point in carrying on.
Today I'm meeting up with my new boss for a few hours and it feels good to be clear headed. But I'm already getting the whispers about drinking later. I need to use this as a learning experience...otherwise I get so down about it I can't see any point in carrying on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Jeni,
I relapsed after many years sober. I am glad you have support. It is hard to get sober but it is possible.
Maybe you could find something else to do in another part of the house or outside while your husband drinks. I would have a hard time staying sober sitting next to someone drinking.
Take good care of yourself.
I relapsed after many years sober. I am glad you have support. It is hard to get sober but it is possible.
Maybe you could find something else to do in another part of the house or outside while your husband drinks. I would have a hard time staying sober sitting next to someone drinking.
Take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
((((Jeni))). Do forgive yourself. Take each day as it comes sober. Stick close to us. Attend your meetings, stay in touch with your sponsor. I know it's harder. I fell back after eleven years. Had some binge drinking, off and on for a few years and finally made it back. I have seven years sober now.
Try this. Know your sobriety has nothing to do with your husband. His drinking has nothing to do with you. live and let live. It may come to the point you have to leave. It may not. But know we are here any time, my girl.
Love from Lenina
Try this. Know your sobriety has nothing to do with your husband. His drinking has nothing to do with you. live and let live. It may come to the point you have to leave. It may not. But know we are here any time, my girl.
Love from Lenina
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
(((((Jeni))))) I'm so so sorry that you are struggling. You have faced so much this year and yet you're still here fighting. This is the measure of you as a person. Be proud and stand tall and, most of all, be kind to yourself. Know that if anyone is worthy of sobriety, you most definitely are 
xxx
xxx
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Jeni, When I quit my husband was still drinking. He had no intention of stopping. I was scared as had always drunk with him. It was a fundamental part of our lives; we ate out and drank, we drank out, we drank at home. Looking back it was the only thing we really did.
I decided to quit and knew he wouldn't. It can be done. At first it was difficult but you have the advantage of having all that sober time. You know you can do this. I read you had relapsed a few days ago and was sorry to hear that. It's great that you have been sober since though, especially through Christmas and for that you should be proud of yourself.
All we can do is concentrate on our own sobriety. I do believe a person can get sober with a spouse still drinking as I have done it. I switched off, used mindfulness to ignore the drinking and over time it became easier and didn't bother me.
It's good to see you back.
I decided to quit and knew he wouldn't. It can be done. At first it was difficult but you have the advantage of having all that sober time. You know you can do this. I read you had relapsed a few days ago and was sorry to hear that. It's great that you have been sober since though, especially through Christmas and for that you should be proud of yourself.
All we can do is concentrate on our own sobriety. I do believe a person can get sober with a spouse still drinking as I have done it. I switched off, used mindfulness to ignore the drinking and over time it became easier and didn't bother me.
It's good to see you back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thanks everyone. It does help to know that people have successfully made it back after relapsing. I guess I need to hang about with sober people as much as I can. Stay on SR. Share. That's what worked for me last time.
Off to work for a few hours today in a brand new job. Plenty to look forward to
Off to work for a few hours today in a brand new job. Plenty to look forward to
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: BALTIMORE
Posts: 46
Jeni, I've been there too many times to count. I had a few months sober when I first relapsed. Was at a concert on a beautiful day seeing some awesome bands at an outstanding venue. I thought to myself a few beers won't kill me. And they didn't. But not longer after I was sitting home alone pounding bottles of whiskey. I just wrapped up a five day bender when I said those famous words to myself- never again. So I made yesterday my day one. Today is my day two. I feel like I have to take a stand somewhere against this nightmare I've created. I once heard an old timer say I might have another relapse in me, but I'm not sure I have another recovery. Good luck and hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
I am wondering why people are not recommending that Jeni asks her husband to stop drinking at home? He doesn't have to quit, he can drink outside the home but keep the home free as a sanctuary from alcohol. What am I missing?
Is it that Jeni needs to take control for herself and not rely on her husbands actions? Even so if he would agree to this it would really help her so why not request this?
Is it that Jeni needs to take control for herself and not rely on her husbands actions? Even so if he would agree to this it would really help her so why not request this?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
Jen, tried to pm you and can't .
You can do this, sometimes things just happen, you can do this it will harder to persuade the house to be sober but with your guidance and leadership I'm sure H will follow eventually, forget the whispers they lie.
Love John.
XXXX
Sober for the new year great start.
You can do this, sometimes things just happen, you can do this it will harder to persuade the house to be sober but with your guidance and leadership I'm sure H will follow eventually, forget the whispers they lie.
Love John.
XXXX
Sober for the new year great start.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
The steps, your sponsor, others in recovery, meetings.
Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail.
Don't forget God.
Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail.
Don't forget God.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Jeni I think you've identified a lot here about why you drank, you downed tools that have worked for you, you decided you wanted to drink and then when that was facilitated you did. But, if you wanted to continue on this path you would not be posting here and the fact that you are says that you recognise that this is AV talking, it isn't a deliberate choice you made.
I live in a household where people drink normally -- lightly-- so there is always beer in the fridge, wine in the cupboard but I have learned to dissociate myself from those things. It is entirely possible to live with people who drink but not drinking must be your focus, not the fact that your husband is drinking again.
What are you drinking when he drinks? Do you have something you enjoy? What are you doing when he drinks? Have you got an absorbing thing to do? Don't get caught up, you don't need to live separate lives but you need to do things that put your sobriety first.
I live in a household where people drink normally -- lightly-- so there is always beer in the fridge, wine in the cupboard but I have learned to dissociate myself from those things. It is entirely possible to live with people who drink but not drinking must be your focus, not the fact that your husband is drinking again.
What are you drinking when he drinks? Do you have something you enjoy? What are you doing when he drinks? Have you got an absorbing thing to do? Don't get caught up, you don't need to live separate lives but you need to do things that put your sobriety first.
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