Where to start?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 39
Where to start?
This is my first post, and my first attempt at reaching out to anyone. As you probably know .. I have gotten myself in a mess. Here's a little background about me and my situation. I am 28 years old, have two kids, and am with a man that makes me pretty happy. 
I work as an accountant for a health agency, and will soon have my Masters in the Spring. I've always had an addictive, carefree personality. I'll be honest, if I like a drug I like it, and don't see many moral issues behind using. My biggest fear with drugs is hurting my children, and I hate the fact that I let it control my life. I have a problem with Hydrocodone. I used it recreational here and there throughout the years since my teens, but only when I had a script or something, nothing bad. About a year ago I started taking them more regularly for tailbone pain. My mother had a script that she have me. After those 120 were gone I started looking for more, and now I'm buying off the streets. I've been doing so for at least 9-10 months. I don't take much, typically 5-7 10s per day. I even break them and half, and I'll take one every 1.5-2 hours. And on the weekends, or when I want to just relax, I take more. I don't look to get obliterated from it, I just like the nice little buzz I get. But, sad part is I take them before 7 o'clock each morning and all day until I go to bed, every day. I'm productive, more outgoing, no anxiety, and it helps me get through work, school, and everything else. About once a month I run out, typically 3-5 days at a time. The first couple of days stink really bad. I feel ill, have no energy, extreme anxiety, but mostly sadness and a negative outlook on the future. By the fourth day or so, I start to feel better and my thinking gets more rational. It's then I start tossing around the idea of stopping. My emotions and clarity come back, and I begin to feel guilty for my decisions. (Today!). I read and read and read the online posts over and over again every time I withdrawal. For some reason it seems to help. It's about this time that my dealer calls and says he's restocked. I normally give it a couple hours, but it never fails I go buy another supply. No one I'm my family, including my husband knows about my problem. I have tried to tell him a few times, but he doesn't realize the depth of the problem, nor realizes I buy off the street. The only person I have who knows is my younger brother, who's 21, and a heroin addict of 3 years. I don't really know why I'm here or what I'm asking. I just want someone to talk to, hear from other, hear your opinion on my situation, or anything you feel like telling me. My main problem are the emotional issues/depression without it. Maybe I need a good kick in the ass! Hope to hear from you all soon.
I work as an accountant for a health agency, and will soon have my Masters in the Spring. I've always had an addictive, carefree personality. I'll be honest, if I like a drug I like it, and don't see many moral issues behind using. My biggest fear with drugs is hurting my children, and I hate the fact that I let it control my life. I have a problem with Hydrocodone. I used it recreational here and there throughout the years since my teens, but only when I had a script or something, nothing bad. About a year ago I started taking them more regularly for tailbone pain. My mother had a script that she have me. After those 120 were gone I started looking for more, and now I'm buying off the streets. I've been doing so for at least 9-10 months. I don't take much, typically 5-7 10s per day. I even break them and half, and I'll take one every 1.5-2 hours. And on the weekends, or when I want to just relax, I take more. I don't look to get obliterated from it, I just like the nice little buzz I get. But, sad part is I take them before 7 o'clock each morning and all day until I go to bed, every day. I'm productive, more outgoing, no anxiety, and it helps me get through work, school, and everything else. About once a month I run out, typically 3-5 days at a time. The first couple of days stink really bad. I feel ill, have no energy, extreme anxiety, but mostly sadness and a negative outlook on the future. By the fourth day or so, I start to feel better and my thinking gets more rational. It's then I start tossing around the idea of stopping. My emotions and clarity come back, and I begin to feel guilty for my decisions. (Today!). I read and read and read the online posts over and over again every time I withdrawal. For some reason it seems to help. It's about this time that my dealer calls and says he's restocked. I normally give it a couple hours, but it never fails I go buy another supply. No one I'm my family, including my husband knows about my problem. I have tried to tell him a few times, but he doesn't realize the depth of the problem, nor realizes I buy off the street. The only person I have who knows is my younger brother, who's 21, and a heroin addict of 3 years. I don't really know why I'm here or what I'm asking. I just want someone to talk to, hear from other, hear your opinion on my situation, or anything you feel like telling me. My main problem are the emotional issues/depression without it. Maybe I need a good kick in the ass! Hope to hear from you all soon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Lasha!! 
My addiction is alcohol, but similarly it started off more casually, but eventually I crossed the line of wanting a drink to needing a drink, and the fear of not having a drink created anxiety, and it was then I knew something needed to change.
The reality is this way of life is unsustainable, the body is not invincible and it will catch up in terms of health sooner or later, sure there may be short term attractions, but surely life can be lived without a substance like hydrocodone.
It all comes down to making a plan, plenty of support, it all starts with a Day 1, but making sure that when that phone call comes you are committed and your resolve is strong, because it will inevitably happen.
You can do this, and you'll find loads of support here on SR!!
My addiction is alcohol, but similarly it started off more casually, but eventually I crossed the line of wanting a drink to needing a drink, and the fear of not having a drink created anxiety, and it was then I knew something needed to change.
The reality is this way of life is unsustainable, the body is not invincible and it will catch up in terms of health sooner or later, sure there may be short term attractions, but surely life can be lived without a substance like hydrocodone.
It all comes down to making a plan, plenty of support, it all starts with a Day 1, but making sure that when that phone call comes you are committed and your resolve is strong, because it will inevitably happen.
You can do this, and you'll find loads of support here on SR!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
welcome! i can relate. although booze is my go to drug of abuse, the pain pills brought it all to a head for me when i got caught (nurse Jackie style). i first experienced pain meds for legitimate uses. i then figured that since my hangovers caused pretty significant discomfort, maybe that pain would respond to medication. well... it did! added benefits were reduced anxiety and increased energy. on the downside, i occasionally found myself very rageful, and lost my moral compass.
youre on a slippery slope. having a blood relation with an addiction to opiates (heroin, oxy, hydro- all the same) puts you at further risk. the sneaky thing about these meds is that they dont incapacitate like alcohol when you are high, so public use seems just fine.
suggestion-kick your own ass! then no one else will get the chance! -said jokingly.
stop. stay stopped. if you decide to make a call, skip the dealer and dial a rehab.
feel free to p.m. me, if want.
youre on a slippery slope. having a blood relation with an addiction to opiates (heroin, oxy, hydro- all the same) puts you at further risk. the sneaky thing about these meds is that they dont incapacitate like alcohol when you are high, so public use seems just fine.
suggestion-kick your own ass! then no one else will get the chance! -said jokingly.
stop. stay stopped. if you decide to make a call, skip the dealer and dial a rehab.
feel free to p.m. me, if want.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
Hi, I'm not the one to tell you what to do--but I will just tell you how I feel a bit. First of all Welcomes
I never did any, what I consider hard drugs, so I can't help you there. A bit of Pot in my HS days. I'm 49 now---I'm not getting up there, I'm there lol
I envy people like yourself. Not because of the drugs or alcohol or how you cope
It's that education. I tried SO SO hard. I got in an alcohol related accident when I was 19. I grad. from HS at 17. I was on my way. Then BOOM. I go ******Up, and it ******ed me up.
My memory of everything was taken away. What I learn now is short term
My mother has a Doctrine, my two brothers and sisters Masters. ME, HS and then when I was about to grad from college.......I ****up! So here I am!
Don't loose what you have.
If anyone can help you, it's here. You will get advice; you can take it or leae it. That is up to you
But I hope you find what you are looking for
I've been sober for a bit over 9 months......so SR has helped me
I never did any, what I consider hard drugs, so I can't help you there. A bit of Pot in my HS days. I'm 49 now---I'm not getting up there, I'm there lol
I envy people like yourself. Not because of the drugs or alcohol or how you cope
It's that education. I tried SO SO hard. I got in an alcohol related accident when I was 19. I grad. from HS at 17. I was on my way. Then BOOM. I go ******Up, and it ******ed me up.
My memory of everything was taken away. What I learn now is short term
My mother has a Doctrine, my two brothers and sisters Masters. ME, HS and then when I was about to grad from college.......I ****up! So here I am!
Don't loose what you have.
If anyone can help you, it's here. You will get advice; you can take it or leae it. That is up to you
But I hope you find what you are looking for
I've been sober for a bit over 9 months......so SR has helped me
Last edited by Dee74; 12-26-2014 at 03:49 PM.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR.
I think you are asking for help.
You are mother. Don't hand your life over to these soul sucking pills. Quit now, while you still have some control. Else risk all, and for what. A brief pleasure that will soon be just staving off withdrawals.
If you want to quit, there's ways. But opiate addiction is tough. I suggest face to face support, Narcotics Anonymous or some form of substance abuse counseling if you stuggle on your own.
And think about telling your husband, for accountability reasons.
Good luck.
Originally Posted by Lasha 
I don't really know why I'm here or what I'm asking.
You are mother. Don't hand your life over to these soul sucking pills. Quit now, while you still have some control. Else risk all, and for what. A brief pleasure that will soon be just staving off withdrawals.
If you want to quit, there's ways. But opiate addiction is tough. I suggest face to face support, Narcotics Anonymous or some form of substance abuse counseling if you stuggle on your own.
And think about telling your husband, for accountability reasons.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 39
Wow. Everyone's words are helpful, very helpful. I figured I would get a couple of "quit being stupid" comments, and a handful of "your addiction is nothing compared to mine." I cried when I read every single one. Thanks for the support guys. Doggonecarl you are so right, I have ALOT to lose over short-term pleasure. And PurpleKnight, your right, there WILL be and end and it's inevitable, now or later. Airwick, don't beat yourself up about an education. It's cool, but honestly I've lost a lot of valuable time that I could have spent with family and friends, studying and slaving. I don't know if losing that time is worth it. I mean you only have one life, and It wasn't intended to be about wealth. I realize that I probably have a deeper problem that this addiction alone. I have somewhat been addicted to something for the past 10 years.. Bulimia, legal diet pills (phentermine), and now this. But this one is a WHOLE lot harder to kick. I've talked to a counselor before, but didn't really feel it helped me and I quit going. She basically just re-told me what I already knew. I've also been on anti-depressants for postpartum depression after my first child, and I'd really rather not go down that road again. Again, AMAZING outpouring of love. Thanks guys 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Yes, some great advice here lasha
As far as where to start...why not join the Class of December support thread and the 24 hour Recovery Connection thread to commit to staying sober for the next 24 hours.
D
As far as where to start...why not join the Class of December support thread and the 24 hour Recovery Connection thread to commit to staying sober for the next 24 hours.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Lasha: You're certainly welcome here. Addiction to pills is rampant in this country, even in small towns. Any opiate is addictive, whether it is heroin or some pharmaceutical equivalent. I'm that old fashioned thing, an alcoholic- booze pure and simple. I took Xanax for awhile (the doctor gave me an RX for 100 renewable- such a naive and untrained soul!) and my first doctor way back in 1958 gave me perpetually renewable Chloral Hydrate. I sure became addicted to that but managed to quit. So my main problem has been alcohol.
Folks are overdosing from pills right and left up in my neighborhood. It's a major national problem. I hope you manage to kick the habit. You have lots of folks on this website with more experience with pill addiction than I have. So why not listen to what they have to say. They've been right where you are and they are eager to help. I've got 26 years sobriety but it's booze. I'm happier now than I ever was in my whole life. Good luck!
W.
Folks are overdosing from pills right and left up in my neighborhood. It's a major national problem. I hope you manage to kick the habit. You have lots of folks on this website with more experience with pill addiction than I have. So why not listen to what they have to say. They've been right where you are and they are eager to help. I've got 26 years sobriety but it's booze. I'm happier now than I ever was in my whole life. Good luck!
W.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Aurora
Posts: 32
Welcome Lasha,
I started using pain killers just like you did. Eventually the 50-100 mgs a day turned into 300mgs of OxyContin a day, and a year or two after that it turned into Oxy and heroin daily. In that process I ended up losing 2 jobs and spent my $100,000 savings in less than two years. I was also arrested for possession (never had legal problems in 39 years of living. Worse than all of that, I lost my dignity and passion for life.
My point is that this all starts so innocently but turns into burning your whole life to the ground. Nip this in the bud now. I am happy to say that I am 15 months sober and have started getting my life back. I feel better than I ever did on that crap. Glad your reaching out here. You can steer clear of all of it. Lots of support and wisdom here All the best!!
I started using pain killers just like you did. Eventually the 50-100 mgs a day turned into 300mgs of OxyContin a day, and a year or two after that it turned into Oxy and heroin daily. In that process I ended up losing 2 jobs and spent my $100,000 savings in less than two years. I was also arrested for possession (never had legal problems in 39 years of living. Worse than all of that, I lost my dignity and passion for life.
My point is that this all starts so innocently but turns into burning your whole life to the ground. Nip this in the bud now. I am happy to say that I am 15 months sober and have started getting my life back. I feel better than I ever did on that crap. Glad your reaching out here. You can steer clear of all of it. Lots of support and wisdom here
All the best!!
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